12 year olds having phones on a sleepover

[innerturmoil]

So my DD (12) asked if she could have an impromptu sleepover last night with 2 friends she was hanging out with after school. I said yes. I have 2 other younger kids 8 and 10. I let the older girls watch a film in a bedroom but said that at 10-10:30 when the film was over that the TV went off and they had to put their phones away. My DD went crazy because she wanted to keep her phone with her all night (usually she leaves it downstairs at bedtime) and said that the others would have theirs on etc. I knew it would mean they would be texting/taking photos/playing games and god knows what til all hours. I didn't want to embarrass my daughter further by seizing her phone so I just told her I trusted her that she would put it away. I'm sure she didn't as they were up til 2am. What do other people do? I hate the way all our arguments are about screens! Phones/ipads etc and I worry about the stuff they access. Anyway would be good to hear what other people think/do.

Dd and her mates all hang out in her room anyway, no matter what the time so no point in all taking the phones away, they can sleep, or not, whenever they want to.

GRays, your child wouldn't be invited back.

My two children are on the spectrum & tech can become an obsession.

I've also seen a lot of cyber bullying go on.

I wondered how long it would take for someone to say that. If you want to take my property away from my child you speak to me, in which I say no then you decide if they're allowed to sleep or not.

You do not just take away.

My house- my rules I'm afraid. But all of dd's friends are used to that rule & ds who is younger only has friends over who I know very well.

I take away.

The first time I allowed it for dd2 they ended up all getting together and sending texts to another girl which, if I am frank, were borderline bullying. They all got totally carried away and egged on by one particular girl. I was mortified. She is actually not allowed to take her phone to sleepovers (it was taken away for 3 months) . And I confiscate them at night if girls come here. I do let the parents know this. Noone has ever complained they are grateful!!

What would happen (& has) is that child would arrive, I'd see the phone/iPad/whatever. I'd ask if they want the wifi code & say in the presence of the parent dropping off - all tech has to be downstairs by x time.

I don't expect a 12 year old to text their mum asking them to come and get them. If they were worried they could tell dd who would tell me. But I've never met a 12 year old who would do this anyway.

No but 12 year olds may wish up text parents for whatever reason.

It's very strange to take property off guests.

While a no sleep sleepover is the norm (and fine in my book), I would not allow a 12 year old access to the internet overnight. Totally inappropriate photos and texting is a real possibility in the overheated, excited and sometimes hysterical nature of sleepovers. That would be my worry.

I think parents who oppose the taking of phones for reasons such as "it's their property" or "they have to be able to contact us" might consider that there were successful sleepovers waaaay before mobile phones. How on earth did those poor kids cope?

Catguilt what if your dd was picking on the guest child? Do you think they'd come and talk to you then?

The chances are everything would be fine and no parent would need to pick their child up, but what if they did? What if it's your child who just doesn't feel comfortable and wants your help to go home, and can't.

There were also very unsuccessful sleepovers....

If your children get so worked up and excited over a sleepover thru end up either accessing porn, cyber bullying then taking a phone off them won't solve the problem.

Kids need to learn self control and self discipline through trust and example. Banning things unless absolutely harmful teaches children nothing.

It's completely normal to stay up late on a sleepover and text and send daft selfies. That's the fun.

As the person who pays the phone contracts in this house, their phones are actually my phones, even though I am not the usual user.

My kids got phones when they went to secondary school. Part of the reason they were given them was so that they and we could make contact during the day, or overnight sometimes, if necessary. It has occasionally been necessary for my youngest, but that is a long story. I would have been disturbed if I thought that another parent was going to take her phone away.

She wouldn't pick on the guest child. And I think it's odd to text your parents on a sleepover. Presumably if you go for a sleepover at someone's house you know them fairly well. Why on earth would you want to talk to your parents?? If the child is that insecure then they shouldn't be going to sleepovers. In fact, if a child cannot go to a sleepover without a phone to contact her parents then they are not ready to go for a sleepover. My 8 year old went on a sleepover yesterday - she doesn't have a phone. Should I have given her one?!?

Texting and sending selfies to whom?

Sorry but what if it's an issue they don't want to share with your child or you? Pretty uncomfortable for the child tbh.

It seems that a lot of parents feel threatened by technology so much so they'll remove it because they don't think children will socialise properly if they have them

My 16 year old has her phone all night on a sleepover. Not a 12 year old. Works for us and our friends.

Graysanalogy - no-one has implied that they are threatened by technology. Setting boundaries doesn't equate to banning something.

bryte other groups on sleepovers, boys other friends. Happens all the time around the 12 to 15 age.

cat obviously at 8 you would know the parents. When she's 15 you probably won't. You don't knock the door at that she you text your teen and they appear.

My dd has serious anxieties over the dark and other issues following her involvement in a fatal accident. Some teens are less confident than others and need their phones to contact parents.

Should only confident kids be allowed to sleep over?

You can put parental controls on your router which would block out things like porn and other nasties. That would help, surely.

Anyway, sleepovers have precious little to do with actual sleeping. Why are they eve called sleepovers? I might have them upstairs and in the bedroom by 10 or 10.30, but I don't kid myself that they are actually going to sleep then. I end up telling them that as long as they are quiet that is fine. Then I leave them to it unless the noise level rises too much. I haven't had a problem.

15 is completely different to 12
And I am sure if dd had a friend who had serious anxieties of course we'd let her keep her phone to call her mum. But that is absolutely not the norm, as I presume you know?