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AIBU?

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Original poster

12 year olds having phones on a sleepover

112 replies

innerturmoil · 02/05/2015 10:43

So my DD (12) asked if she could have an impromptu sleepover last night with 2 friends she was hanging out with after school. I said yes. I have 2 other younger kids 8 and 10. I let the older girls watch a film in a bedroom but said that at 10-10:30 when the film was over that the TV went off and they had to put their phones away. My DD went crazy because she wanted to keep her phone with her all night (usually she leaves it downstairs at bedtime) and said that the others would have theirs on etc. I knew it would mean they would be texting/taking photos/playing games and god knows what til all hours. I didn't want to embarrass my daughter further by seizing her phone so I just told her I trusted her that she would put it away. I'm sure she didn't as they were up til 2am. What do other people do? I hate the way all our arguments are about screens! Phones/ipads etc and I worry about the stuff they access. Anyway would be good to hear what other people think/do.

OP posts:
lemonyone · 02/05/2015 14:20

Body - but the kids know they can call their parents anytime at ours. Do they really need to contact them at 2am? Isn't that overreacting a bit? And if they do need to contact them at that time, surely the person they are staying with should know that's going to happen and try and help first?

I really don't think that is weird. I'll probably change my mind when DD is 16, but so far it seems to also be the same rule with the other parents of her best mates. I kind of find the idea of iPhones in the room unsettling, only because of all the studies about how bad they are for sleep.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 02/05/2015 14:24

lemon

I am sure you don't but my dd always texted me frequently and especially awY from home.

Also although at 12 you probBky know the other parents by 15/16 you won't. Iycwim.

GoddessofSuburbia · 02/05/2015 14:37

I agree with Body, and I'd be pretty cross if you took my DD's phone away from her, moreso if you hadn't let me know in advance. I trust her with it, especially with regards to using it sensibly. To me (and probably in her eyes too) you unilaterally taking it away from her before she has even had a chance to show you otherwise would be a very clear message that you don't trust her, and therefore is bordering on being offensive. You simply aren't in a position to make that call unless you've got clear evidence that she has done something previously to breach your trust, in which case I very much doubt either you or I would consent to the sleepover in the first place.

I also feel deeply unsettled by the concept of you taking away her property- where is the line drawn here? Would you consider it acceptable to take something else that you felt uncomfortable by?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/05/2015 14:38

I'd give them their phones but switch the internet off.

lemonyone · 02/05/2015 14:40

Ah.
Yeah - my DD only calls me when she is ill or whatever if she's at someone else's. I think we're quite an independent family in that way. I'm not massive on texting except for really functional reasons.
I was also a really independent kid at her age. I would happily go off on exchange of camp for a week and not contact my parents, so I think that has rubbed off on my DCs.

I dont' think that makes me weird though to expect kids to give up their phones though for 8 hours overnight… If the child is unsettled I'd really want to know about it so they know to come to me.
I probably will know my DCs mates later on (unless we move) so it's all good.

lemonyone · 02/05/2015 14:42

Goddess - all my DCs friends parents know that I don't let phones in the kids rooms. It's not about taking away their property, it's about letting the kids sleep. I've had sleepovers where they kids are just mush the next day, only to find out that they had a phone with them.

I think the house rules in this case overrule the kids 'right' to their phone. I'm afraid if the kid/parent wasn't happy then they don't have to come. So far, we're a pretty popular house when it comes to sleepovers!

lemonyone · 02/05/2015 14:44

Phew. Getting overinvolved in this one. That's what comes of having a cold and lying on the sofa while the kids are out.
Going to shift off MN for a while. Sometimes I wish I had my mum take my laptop away! Grin

balletgirlmum · 02/05/2015 14:47

All technology has to be downstairs half an hour before lights out.

If you don't like that rule - you are welcome to go home.

All phones have to be handed in at the boarding house at school each night.

Jackieharris · 02/05/2015 14:50

Grin at expecting 3 12 yos on a sleepover to go to sleep at 10pm.

On a serious note you need to have the porn talk.

I've know dcs younger than this to be watching porn at sleepovers.

At 12 they are mature enough to be told the law regarding taking photos of each other and sharing them.

They also need to know its ok to tell you if they have seen something that has upset them.

Tbh my strategy would be to let them stay up watching films as late as they want so they don't get bored and want to go on their phones.

fellowship33 · 02/05/2015 14:50

I have taken away iPads but it didn't occur to me to take away phones for all the reasons other posters have said. But honestly I would be thrilled if some other parent made this stand. My dd would completely get it too. The other kids might not, but I would rather my dd hung out with yours! Sleepovers seem totally uncontrolled - staying up til 5am watching films etc - in her year (y6).

Annunziata · 02/05/2015 14:51

They're 12- of course they aren't going to sleep at a sleepover!

I think YABU and I don't understand why people insist on taking their phones away. They need to learn to turn them off themselves. If that means one zombie night and feeling miserable the next day, fine.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/05/2015 14:53

I wouldn't do this. My eldest has diabetes and at his first sleepover since diagnosis I did message him to make sure he'd checked his levels, done his insulin injections etc.

Mistigri · 02/05/2015 15:00

Tech at bedtime is something you need to control of course but a sleepover isn't the time IMO. They will be up late phones or no phones. I might switch off the router though ;)

bloodyteenagers · 02/05/2015 15:02

Is this the first sleepover for you?
Did you really expect they would nicely go to sleep at 10?
They chat. If you don't want them staying up to chat, then no more sleepovers.

nickersinaknot · 02/05/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/05/2015 15:04

JiltedJJ that's a very good idea. It would work for iPads/iPods.

But my DD has unlimited internet access as part of her phone package, as do most of her friends.

OP, I think it is fine to ask friends to leave phones downstairs at bed time. While I don't do it at sleepovers, I would have no problem with other parent doing this with my DD.

Finally, 2am wasn't bad. Last sleepover here over Easter Hols had some children still awake at 6! They were like zombies next day. But several of the families have a rule about good behaviour required following sleepover if DC want to have any future sleepovers... Works a treat.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2015 15:15

Surely leaving them with phones is opening the door to them possibly watching all sorts, not to mention sending photos to friends that are, at best, embarrassing with lots of potential for bullying?

I am so grateful I grew up without the technology (however much I love it now) as my schooldays were enough of a misery without the addition of Whatsapp and Snapchat.

stateoftheart · 02/05/2015 15:24

Is no one at all concerned about 12 yr olds have unsupervised access to the internet? I bloody am.

lemonyone · 02/05/2015 15:31

Back again.

About expecting the kids to go to bed at 10pm…yep, I ask them to be in my DDs bedroom around then. But I don't ask that they immediately fall asleep.

I do a lot of sleepovers - it's not really a treat. I do them because at least once a month there is a teacher training day in the country where I live, so I often look after the kids the next day as a favour to the parents. hence, why I don't really appreciate delivering a zombie-child back to them the next day. (and vice versa)

To Tiggy (Mrs C-B wife) - my Dh and I are health care professionals, so would rather that any medical stuff gets relayed to us directly, and then to the parents. I wouldn't like a child to be going hypo and to let their parents know by text without letting us know, say. If the parents need reassurance though, fair enough, but I think leaving the phone in the room to alert a parent of a medical problem (if the parent is miles away) could have unintended consequences if the parent looking after the child doesn't know what is happening.

We have an amazing time with the kids at sleepovers. Last night we used their phones to download an app which does stop motion stuff and did 'Ooglie' type cartoon with google-eyed fruit. Then had pizzas in front of Guardians of the Galaxy. Kids in the room around 10.30. This morning I go in and they have created a frenzy of loom band shite and a piss-take 1D fan magazine. I like seeing kids get a little bored and get creative because of it.
I think they slept around 11.30.
I also worry about sexting/photos later on and bullying as this happened to a friend of mines DD who is older

bryte · 02/05/2015 16:01

I find it more weird that a parent would get so defensive about another parent stopping their child having their phone all night at a sleepover. What else do you expect to dictate to the host parents about what your child will do at their house?

I was surprised to find myself in the minority over the issue of phones in bedrooms. When DD, also 12, had a sleepover at the start of Y7, we said no phones in the bedroom overnight. The other girls were horrified, as they are allowed them in their rooms every night. I'm put off hosting sleepovers. I'd just assumed no internet access overnight for 12 year olds was most people's stance, but wrong I was...

I stopped my Year 4 DD from taking her tablet - a Kindle Fire with internet access blocked - to a birthday sleepover, imagining that a huge group of 8 and 9 year old girls would have plenty of other things to enjoy about a sleepover than playing games individually on a tablet. I picked my DD up the next day and learnt that the mother went to bed and left them all to it downstairs, tablets galore.

I think it's rather sad that parents feel pressured to allow their children to do anything and everything in the fear they will get bullied or be left out.

funnyossity · 02/05/2015 16:18

I stopped encouraging sleepovers as it became "a battle" and so not worth it.

GraysAnalogy · 02/05/2015 16:24

I don't understand this big hoo haa at people removing phones, tablets and consoles etc from their children. Times have changed, board games may have been all the range years ago but now kids play and socialise in different ways.

If a parent took my childs phone away at a sleepover I'd be having words to be honest and they wouldn't be going back.

bryte · 02/05/2015 16:24

I'm also a bit Shock about loads of teenagers having unlimited data packages. Is that really the norm?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 02/05/2015 16:25

lemon really sorry wasn't meaning to criticise you or your parenting and feel my remarks were a bit ott. Sorry for that.
However I still think it's a bit ott to take phones off visiting guests, and sleepover teenagers are guests too.

I guess I just always trusted mine until they let us down and started from the position of them acting responsibly rather than us initially setting down rigid rules.

titchy · 02/05/2015 16:31

I think those of you saying if the guest child had a problem they could speak to host parent about it are being a little naive.

Quite often they don't know you very well at all and something may creep them out a bit (maybe irrationally) or they may feel bullied, and they want to go home. Removing their phone removes their ability to text their parent to come and get them.

We instil in our kids (I hope) a message of if something doesn't feel right then listen to your instincts, but here you are removing another child's ability to do that.