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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be just a little bit annoyed? I'm not being unreasonable, surely (wedding related)

57 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/05/2015 10:08

So, dh has a lovely friend who I like a lot. He's very disorganised and wants to make everyone happy, and there's no way on earth that we're going to fall out with him over this because it would be daft.

But am I unreasonable to be a little pissed off by the following?

Dh and I had a very small wedding (literally us and the dcs and our parents). It was lovely. But we always planned to have a sort of reception later on. This year one of us has a significant birthday, and it seemed like a great idea to have a big party and finally celebrate both the birthday and our wedding with our nearest and dearest.

So we send out invites and straight away dh's friend (who I shall call Albert) gets back to us saying, "I'm so sorry! I meant to say sooner! That's the date we've picked for our wedding". Unfortunately he had told the friends he sees more regularly, so essentially a load of mutual friends were already booked.

On the one hand we didn't want to lose any of the people who were coming, on the other, this was one of dh's oldest friends and we wanted both to go to his wedding, and for them to come to our party.

So dh discussed it with Albert who was very apologetic. He clarified that yes we were all invited (dcs too) since we'd have no childcare that weekend and we said we'd see what we could do.

So we called all the people who had said they would come, and luckily they were all able to do our alternative date. And then we called all those who hadn't rsvp'd yet, and let them know the new date. And we sent out revised invitations. And it was a hassle, but it was worth it, and all was well.

Then Albert said he couldn't come to the new date either as they were going to go on holiday.

It was a shame, but not the end of the world. We still got to go to the wedding.

Now, Albert had booked out the hotel and had promised us two rooms for the dcs. But knowing Albert as we do, I asked dh to message him to just double check that was really happening.

We got a reply back saying "just one room, no space for non-family dcs".

Now I don't object to that in theory, but he'd bloody told us they were invited! Dh even double checked! We have it in writing and everything :o

We moved everything and now there's a good chance that we won't be able to make it anyway! Even if we get a babysitter my youngest will only be 5 months and BF.

The good thing is that other friends who are attending the wedding will now be coming to our party. So there are definite silver linings.

But am I being unreasonable to think that Albert is a bit of a wankbadger?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 02/05/2015 11:39

Oh for crying out loud. I'd be really peed off with him.
At first I was going to suggest finding a good B&B to stay in and then I carried on reading and they've rescinded the DCs' invitation.

After all the reorganizations you've had to do because of not being kept up to speed it's a bit much to change the arrangements yet again and also not to be attending your special party.

'I meant to say sooner' let's you know really that the relationship's slipped I think, particularly as other people already knew the date.
Sometimes as nice as people are and as strong as the friendship's been in the past, we do have to accept that time marches on and a gap opens up.
It's really hard though when those facts actually manifest.
I think all you can do is concentrate on planning your own special event Flowers

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 02/05/2015 11:47

Yeah his disorganization has caused you problems so it us a bit annoying although you seem to be comfortable that there was no bad intention so I get why you dont want to fall out and I'd agree with that - life's about more than the "big days".

But given the relationship you have with him I'd probably send a jokey message "albert you daft bugger, only Dh can attend now because of your balls up with the rooms. my thoughts will be with you anyway, have a ball xxx"

One thing though - there is a room avail able isn't there? Just not a family room/two rooms? Is it worth checking directly with the hotel if another bed could be squeezed in or if there's any alternative options?

AmateurSeamstress · 02/05/2015 11:48

Is it possible that yourDC are still invited to the wedding, but they are 'rationing' the hotel rooms so aren't going to give you 2, so that another couple can stay as well? So you could still bring DC to the wedding if you stay elsewhere?

Honestly it is a pain and you are justified to be pissed off but please don't lose sight of your OP on this. It's not worth double guessing a deep inner meaning, he doesn't sound like he'd do some big PA gesture, he's just known for bumbling. And possibly having his future wife driving the plans (who knows his bumblingness well) might not help as he might not be privy to all decisions. Be narked, then forgive him as per your OP.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 02/05/2015 11:48

Although OP, my response ^^ depends on interpretation of We got a reply back saying "just one room, no space for non-family dcs" - I took this to mean at the hotel. Are you SURE it applies to the wedding itself?

MokunMokun · 02/05/2015 11:51

It all sounds very weird and it is terribly rude to uninvite guests. In this case my OP would go on his own. It sounds like the friendship is waning anyway. I would definitely be getting him a smaller gift for the inconvenience too.

reup · 02/05/2015 11:54

Can't a 5 month and an 18 month sleep in travels cots in your room? Or have you got older children too?

Icimoi · 02/05/2015 11:56

Check whether there are any B&Bs or holiday cottages in the area.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 02/05/2015 12:01

To be honest, I think there is a limit to blind acceptance of someone's fuck ups, and this definitely crosses the line.

You should get in contact with him, and frankly, let him know that you are fucked off. You don't have to get spittingly nasty at him, but considering the circumstances, you are perfectly entitled to let him know that you are unhappy.

Something like:

Albert,

I know you're probably busy, but we are trying to sort out the logistics of coming to your wedding. The thing is, it would be a lot easier if we actually knew what the hell is going on. You specifically told us the dc were invited (attach an email if you want), so we have been planning around that. Only after WE got in touch with YOU did you then say that no non family dc are allowed. We need to know which it is.

Frankly if he says "oh yes, sorry, excuse excuse...they aren't invited" then I would - as others have said - definitely re evaluate the friendship. I personally have no problem with child free weddings, but it's different to invite and then dis invite someone's dc's, and even "family only" children weddings make me a bit Hmm.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/05/2015 12:04

Just to clarify, yup the first message was very open to interpretation. Dh thought he meant the hotel, I wasn't so sure, so he checked, and no, they're not invited to anything.

We do have older dcs too. I never expect to us all to be invited since we are a big family. It's having made plans on the basis that we were that is so annoying.

Dh is actually seeing him this week, so I'm hoping he was waiting to tell him face to face rather than leaving us to find out from the invite itself (if that ever arrives).

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/05/2015 12:07

Gouda, that's a good message.

I doubt his dp knows that he told us they were invited. We've only met her a few times. We usually see him when he's nearby on business.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 02/05/2015 12:08

He sounds flakey at best, damned rude at worst.

Agree with others who have said that you should call him on it - ie they were invited, now they're not, which is it? And if they aren't invited then definitely reassess the friendship.

Do you get on with his DP? Any problems that could suggest that she is behind the change of plan?

Redlocks28 · 02/05/2015 12:14

Sounds like she's decided no kids allowed!

whois · 02/05/2015 14:45

I'd call him out on it in a 'hey Albert, when we emailed last month you said our DCs were invited, and we've made plans based on that. Are you really uninviting them now? Why? This means we probably won't be able to come, and I'm a bit upset given how much rearranging of our own things we've done to accommodate you."

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2015 15:21

And I don't particularly think your DH should go either.

TwoOddSocks · 02/05/2015 17:47

I sympathise with Albert being totally disorganised myself but since it was his mistake he should definitely have taken the hit and just made sure your DC could attend, even if it meant additional costs.

AlpacaPicnic · 02/05/2015 18:05

Oh Chris, yaSOnbu... He sounds scatty, and downright thoughtless at best. At worst, he sounds like he actually doesn't want you there.

You know what makes an excellent wedding gift. A horse... Wink

Now about your party... Shall I expect my invite via email or good old fashioned snail mail. I need to know when to start preparing the cheesecake y'see...

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/05/2015 19:51

:o I will. I'll give them a sodding horse.

Alpaca, of course you're invited! You all are! I understand etiquette has changed and no invites need to be honoured anymore.

I'm feeling more justified in my annoyance now. Thank you for all the comments. I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth trying to organise something. I told dh he could go without me, and he wasn't keen.

OP posts:
highkickindandy · 02/05/2015 19:53

Regardless of what happens about the wedding, whether your husband goes on his own or not, I would never ever ever make or change arrangements for anything again based on his availability or convenience. I wouldn't agree to book anything that needed paying for like concert tickets etc unless he paid in advance himself. I would only engage in casual arrangements like meeting in a pub, where if he comes, great, and if he doesn't, he hasn't messed anyone around. People get away with being flaky and disorganized if other people enable it. If he's out of pocket for tickets he can't use, or misses out on group events because noone trusts him to adhere to the arrangements so he doesn't get invited, maybe he'll get the message.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/05/2015 20:05

Highkickin, definitely! We won't be going through this again. Dh has always been the easygoing friend who puts up with anything, but I think he's had enough. He doesn't mind it if it's just him being inconvenienced, but he draws the line at his entire family being treated like this. He's a lot more patient than I am.

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 02/05/2015 21:59

Wish him well with the wedding and marriage, "because if we have to put up with your organisational skills again, we're going to fall out, hahaha... Hmm"

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 02/05/2015 23:36

Just say sorry but we had to rearrange our entire party around you and now you've decided to change your mind and uninvite our children? We won't be able to make it now. Thanks for pissing us around.

I would not be polite. He hasn't been. He clearly couldn't give a shit and I wouldn't be wasting any more effort on this.

Coyoacan · 03/05/2015 04:13

Oh dear, and you sound so lovely, OP.

ChasedByBees · 03/05/2015 04:33

Definitely call him on it, there's some good email suggestions here. I wouldn't encourage your DH to go if he's not keen. Also, if he was such a nice guy he would know he's ballsed up and apologise properly rather than uninvite your kids in an unclear, brief text.

Justusemyname · 03/05/2015 07:34

It's a shame when someone you thought was a good friend turns out to be a prat.

ChocolateCherry · 03/05/2015 08:15

Blimey OP he sounds a complete headache. I'm afraid I'm with MsAdorabelle on what to reply.

I don't really buy into people bungling about through life with excuse of 'I'm so disorganised, whoops I did it again' and expecting everyone to just accept it.