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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider having number 2 even though I hate being a mum?

39 replies

Wibblewobble100 · 01/05/2015 22:34

I feel incredibly sad. Mother hood has simply not lived up to my expectations. I was so looking forward to it and I have found it so impossibly hard. My son is beautiful but doesn't sleep most of the time and I no longer have the patience to deal with it. 11 months has worn me down. I am so jealous and resentful and angry about those who have babies who just fucking sleep. In my head al these parents are so smug and I just want to punch them ( I know that is unreasonable, I just need it off my chest).
Despite all this I really want my son to have a brother or sister. My own siblings are wonderful and I want DS to experience that. I know there are no guarantees they'll get on but for me it's really important to complete our family, but how can I when I find the experience of being a mum so awful? Do I wait until he finally sleeps but then have to go back to sleepless nights, or should we just get it over and done with?

OP posts:

Mintyy · 01/05/2015 22:36

No, don't get pregnant again while you feel like this!

What have you done to address the sleep issues?

bunchoffives · 01/05/2015 22:38

No rush is there?

Wait until no1 is sleeping more. Are you getting enough help and support?

VelvetRose · 01/05/2015 22:39

I think you'd be mad to consider having another baby while you feel like this. As you know, babies can be exhausting so having another will make life extremely difficult for a while.

Notyouagaintoday · 01/05/2015 22:39

Agree with pp wait until first dc sleeps through. My ds didn't sleep through untill he was 2.... Just saying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 22:40

DD didn't sleep until 2 yo. We would have had two but my DH wanted to stop at one because my mental health was suffering. It sounds like yours is. Wait.

Iggly · 01/05/2015 22:41

11 months of sleep deprivation.

It is a KILLER.

We decided to have a second even though I hated not sleeping. But I loved (and love) my ds so much and wanted to have children close in age.

So we did and have a 2.2 age gap. They're now 5&3 and sleep!!! And they're brilliant. Was very hard though the first 2 years.

trappedinsuburbia · 01/05/2015 22:42

Just get it over and done with!! I hated the young years and waited too long inbetween to have my 2nd and regret I didn't go ahead sooner and deal with it all at once. I bet you get a good sleeper next time, you never get 2 the same
You'll get some people telling you not to have any more if you feel like that, but im really glad I did just wish I'd done it sooner, they're not so bad

Stubbed · 01/05/2015 22:43

You have plenty of time. One month of sleep and you'll have forgotten all about the sleep deprivation.

I have two children, one a sleeper, the other total opposite. But now they are older and both sleep well, it was worth it anyway. Wait until you have had some sleep

Chesterado · 01/05/2015 22:46

Don't rush into it. I also felt like this after 11 months of no sleep and it's a horrible place to be. Things will (eventually) get better - don't add to your stress by rushing into number two. There are three years between ours for exactly that reason but it definitely worked out for the best for us (and the second one is a much better sleeper!) -could not possibly have been worse-

DressedUpJustLikeEdie · 01/05/2015 22:46

It's very early days yet - where's the rush? By the sounds of things the last thing you need is two children really close together. You need to get your DS's sleep under control before you have another baby otheriwsw if you feel tired and frazzled and bitter now just imagine how you'll feel when there are two of them.

Do you still breast feed him? You might find he wakes in the night out of habit for a breast feed so knocking that on the head might help.

Morelikeguidelines · 01/05/2015 22:46

This might not be for you, but we have had a five year age gap and it is working well.

DS (1) has fitted into our existing family life beautifully, and he is a wonderful happy boy.

DD has benefitted from having a sibling even though he is so much younger.

He's not the close sibling that DD might like to have to play with all the time, but when they are bigger it will seem like less of a big deal, and they might well have lots in common.

Going back to not sleeping was hard, and taking time off work again once I had got back into the swing of things was hard, but having two kids at once not sleeping would have sent me completely crazy.

If you have DC2 when DC1 is at school you get to nap when the baby does during the school day

Irishmummy1981 · 01/05/2015 22:47

You should go to the dr about baby, a woman i know had the same problem with babys sleep and turns out he had suffered whiplash due to the way he was born, emergency section. Hes sleeping better now since

Looseleaf · 01/05/2015 22:48

Could there be an underlying issue? Did didn't sleep through until 5 (I kid you not) and I later found out broken nights are more common with children with allergies?
I don't think you should have another if feeling like this though, I think look for support first and you aren't alone as it can indeed be very tough in the early years. We have a big age gap between ours and they are still extremely close and currently asleep in each other's arms! (8 and 3)

Sounbelievablydull · 01/05/2015 22:48

I have an almost four year gap between mine because of exactly what you describe. I really hope it gets better for you soon .
No two slept like a dream and was so much easier, please do wait if your age allows. They get on great and I read somewhere that psychologists think a four year gap is ideal.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/05/2015 22:49

Dd slept through at six weeks, was the easiest baby and toddler ever.
I stuck at one because I only wanted one.
She's 13 now, no regrets at having one.

Calloh · 01/05/2015 22:54

My son is just 7 and I think motherhood gets better and easier every year - though I'm expecting a downward spiral in the teens . Or maybe it doesn't get better maybe you just get more used to it and the children themselves become more interesting.

I thought I would love the baby years and I didn't even though I loved my children so much - although I think at the time I sometimes doubted that as I thought that if I loved them as much as I should I would find it easier. My son didn't sleep and I got pregnant again when he was 9 months.

Looking back it was grim, we moved house to a project house as well - I don't know if it was that or the not sleeping or what but I don't remember it as being an ecstatically happy time. But now I see them playing together and arguing and the constant, low-level violence, competitiveness and great belly laughs at each other's jokes and I think it was all worth it. They are a crew and so important to each other.

Baby number 3 is now not sleeping. It's is so difficult.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up for feeling like this - and don't think that you will not enjoy motherhood forever, or that the sleeplessness lasts forever.

There are definite advantages to having then close in age but there is no rush and disadvantages too. If you feel that you can't quite manage it now then don't worry about it and leave it for a while.

whitewithtwo · 01/05/2015 23:05

DS2 doesn't sleep and what I've found is that when I'm chronically sleep deprived I become an angry person :-/ As in I find myself getting angry at situations that usually wouldn't bother me. Personally I couldn't contemplate pregnancy and a new born again until DS2 reliably sleeps through. My advice would be to read a couple of baby books and spend a few weeks sorting your sleep situation out before trying for another. It will pay dividends when you do have number two, I couldn't have coped if I'd had to deal with the older one over night as well!

CountryMummy1 · 01/05/2015 23:31

I had an awful 6-9 months with both of my non sleepers due to reflux, was on the brink of post natal depression and felt like an absolutely shit mother as I had no bond with my babies. But now they are 3 and 14 months and we have the most wonderful days together now....and do you know what changed???? They sleep!! Sleep deprivation does the most awful things to you physically and mentally. I'm sure you will enjoy being a mother once you feel rested and will then feel ready to do it all again!

klmnop · 01/05/2015 23:35

Just so you know mums with babies who sleep aren't smug. My little girl slept through from 8 weeks and still is a great sleeper at 3 1/2! I love it now but back then I felt like other mums hated me, I daren't even mention how well she slept for fear of being glared at!

pinkr · 02/05/2015 00:05

Don't wait!! I hardly slept whilst pregnant so you might want to just run it alongside.
Seriously it sucks
Dd wakes once a night on a good night now but we've had nights of up every forty mins
Now that she does sleep better at 20 months I can't bear the thought of going through it all over

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/05/2015 00:07

Get a night nanny for a few weeks to help you sort your DS's sleep.

An 11 month old with no additional needs should sleep through the night. A night nanny will be able to help you determine whether it's just a routine/self-settle problem or whether he could have other reasons for waking.

Get that sorted and then re-evaluate.

Patsyandeddie · 02/05/2015 00:50

Don't do it until you feel better about yourself. If you don't, forget the idea, he will survive very well being an only child. Please don't be terrorised into having another child if you're not happy!

Petallic · 02/05/2015 01:03

Personally I did get it over and done with. I have 12 months between my two, and whilst somedays it's still hideously hard I know I made the right decision for me as there's no way I would have gone back for a second once the sleepless nights, endless feeding/ cleaning etc started to ease up. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now they are 2.5-3.5. Admittedly there were days months when it nearly killed me

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/05/2015 01:16

I know 4couples who decided to get it over and done with. 3 of them ended up with multiples. 2x twins and 1xtriplets. What are the odds? Put me right off!
I could have written your op. Dd2 was conceived when dd1 was 18 months and was a blissfully good little sleeper. Totally different maternity leave.

Original poster

Wibblewobble100 · 02/05/2015 08:56

Thanks for all the replies folks- reading them makes me feel so much better because you heard me.
I wish I knew how to sort the sleep. If everything is fine he can do it (self settles like a dream at the start of the night). Every now and then we get a few nights of bliss, but if hes teething, has a bug, development leap, it's too hot, there's a full moon etc all hell breaks loose and takes weeks to get over.
The second 6 months have been easier than the first, and I do believe it'll get easier still.... At least I will until 11 pm tonight when he wakes and kicks off again.

OP posts:

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