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Original poster

to waste time researching whether I had fetal alcohol syndrome?

35 replies

PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:19

I'm fifty. I had the radio on the other day, and a woman who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome was talking - and suddenly I was listening. It was like a shock of water over my head.

Both my parents (both now dead) were alcoholics. My mum died of cirrhosis. I'm the youngest, and my eldest sibling remembers how much my mum drank when she was preg with me - it was a family joke: "I think baby fancies a gin". Another family joke was the midwives ushering a cocktail party in full swing out of my mum's hospital room when she went in to have me. (It was the sixties, after all.) I've never thought much of it before, or connected FAS with me.

When I was small, most white people assumed I was part Chinese - I had distinct epicanthal folds to my eyes. I also have a flat philtrum, and quite a flat face. (Big head, though, which is atypical for FAS.) It's really, really noticeable in old photos, and I'm the only one who had these features, but I just thought it a genetic quirk. The distinctive look sort of wore off when I hit puberty (apart from the epicanthal folds.)

There's other things which make me go hmmmm, too, but I don't want to go too much into them - mainly IQ and behavioural things.

Thing is: does it matter? I'm middle-aged, my mum is dead, there's nobody to tell (why would it be of interest to friends and family?) and nothing that can be fixed. But it seems to make sense to me. I don't know what to do with this, and I feel a bit stupid even considering that it matters at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:20

(I've namechanged for this, BTW.)

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 01/05/2015 22:22

You are you, I'd let it go as you can't change anything now.

Probably not what you were looking for tho'

Hassled · 01/05/2015 22:23

Of course it matters - I can absolutely see why it matters. I think the older you get, the more information about your youth can matter - especially after parents have died and you have unanswered questions/unresolved issues. It's all part of making sense of who you are.

Have you done enough research to know whether those FAS features do wear off after puberty (I have no idea, but it sort of seems unlikely)?

LowryFan · 01/05/2015 22:24

That sounds like quite a shock, to hear something on the radio and think 'that's me' as it were.

My friend had alcoholic mother and it's affected her massively, emotionally. Do you have a counsellor as I think it would be good to discuss in depth with someone understanding? In your shoes I think I probably would look into it.

OsMalleytheCat · 01/05/2015 22:28

My understanding (from watching a couple of documentaries on FAS) was that it wasn't a properly defined medical condition yet, so whilst you may find some of the typical features applicable to you I doubt whether you'll get a diagnosis which would leave you in a kind of limbo. Don't know if or how that may affect your decision to continue or abandon your research but for me knowing that even with research I would never have a proper diagnosis would deter me.

Sorry you're going through this, must be awful

Teacuptravells · 01/05/2015 22:28

I dont think my mother drank excessively when she was pregnant but the title sparked an interest. Certainly growing up wth an alcoholic mother has seriously damaged me in other ways which is makign a counsellor worthwhile.

JustHavinABreak · 01/05/2015 22:28

You're not being unreasonable to wonder about it, but only you can decide whether you want to put time and effort into delving further. To what end? Because you have glossed over some of the other "symptoms" I can't help wondering if there is a back story here. If you feel after your parents' deaths that there are still some unresolved emotional issues in the wake of their alcoholism, do you think that taking this further would makes things easier for you or harder?

Original poster
PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:35

Thank you, everyone. We all were pretty fucked up by having a couple of drunks as parents, but you grow up, get on with things, and deal with it - it's just I hadn't considered that it was the hardware as well as the software that had been affected, if you see what I mean.

My obvious question, and a reason for delving further, is to find out if any of the consequences are passed on to your own children. (I don't drink - for obvious reasons, though I'm not evangelical about it - so my child would not have been affected by my own behaviour when preg.)

I think I might look into counselling, if only to be able to look at it properly and then let it go. I feel a bit squirrelly about mentioning it to my GP, though it might be relevant as I am being treated for an ongoing heart condition, and the heart is apparently one of the organs which can be affected by FAS. But I don't want to sort of swoop in with My Recently-Discovered Tragic Past, or make it into anything bigger than it was, even if it was anything at all (which isn't determined yet).

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/05/2015 22:40

Given the heart condition, you should absolutely mention it to the GP. Hope you're OK - this must be far from easy for you.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:40

No, it's not genetic (that is, there might be a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but FAS itself isn't).

I don't think you are at all unreasonable to think about it - I think you are brave. Lots of people would shy away from thinking about it.

FWIW, you sound remarkably calm posting about it here, so I think you don't need to worry how it would sound to your GP.

JustHavinABreak · 01/05/2015 22:44

I think it would be no harm at all to mention it to your GP. In fact he/she may be able to make a recommendation as to where to go next with your research. As the child of a functioning alcoholic, I understand how the behaviour of the previous generation can leave massive scars so counselling would be really helpful. Sounds to me like you're a fantastic mother to be so self-aware and concerned Flowers

Original poster
PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:45

Thank you both. (I don't feel all that calm, Jeanne, though I am glad if I come across like that!!) It's just a bit of a shocker - you think you know most things about your own past by the time you are fifty.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:46

And thank you JustHavin! I wonder how many of us here had alcoholic parents - it looks like there are a few of us.

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:47

Oh, I can completely believe you don't feel calm! I just meant to reassure you. I do agree it sounds as if you need to tell the GP. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 22:48

I don't think it's as simple and saying there is no genetic link. Epigenetic theories are now coming out which suggest that as well as traditional 'nature and nurture' there are other factors.

However, the possible effects on your children would be unknown so again, would researching this help you?

Have you thought about AlAnon or similar to work through your feelings.?

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:50

Oh, I'm sorry. Blush

I am not a doctor so obviously got that wrong.

Janethegirl · 01/05/2015 22:53

Shit happens, work with it.

Sorry I'm not more sympathetic, but you have to work with what you've got.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:54

Jane, did you miss the fact the OP's trying to get up the courage to see her GP about possible health complications?

It's not about her working with what she's got, is it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 22:55

Gosh Jeanne don't be sorry. Epigenetics is in it's infancy and people are just starting to consider longer term implications of things like trauma on future generations.

Original poster
PointlessInfo · 01/05/2015 22:56

No worries - all leads are good, even if sometimes they go nowhere.

I did try AlAnon long ago, when my dad was alive, MrsTerryP - he'd gone into hospital with the DTs and I was so upset because they'd released him back home with my mum without telling me, which they'd promised to do. (I was also, to be honest, really upset that he'd survived at all - which I know sounds awful but he made my mum's life absolutely hellish.) I was exhausted and angry and upset, and desperate to talk to someone who understood. I think I was unlucky - I got a very religious AlAnon person dealing with me, which didn't work for me at all. I ended up making my excuses on the phone and hanging up, and never tried with them again.

OP posts:
Pipbin · 01/05/2015 22:57

I have had professional contact with a couple of children with FAS.
Not very much is known about it.
Both children were very lovely but found it hard to fit in at school.

Not much help I know. It might well be worth mentioning to the GP

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:57

Ah, thanks for explaining MrsTP.

Hope I didn't upset you with that post, OP.

Greenrememberedhills · 01/05/2015 22:59

Jane, people always have to work with what they've got. That doesn't prevent sympathy or empathy.

Your attitude sounds attention seeking and rude to me.

Shockers · 01/05/2015 23:00

My (adopted -it wasn't me Sad) daughter has FAS. It isn't a genetic condition, it is damage caused by alcohol consumption, to the foetus during pregnancy. There may be a predisposition towards addictive tendencies that is passed on, but unless the person with FAS drinks during pregnancy, there is no danger of them having a child with FAS.

I asked her neurologist.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 23:01

Pointless it might be worth trying with AlAnon again. Some groups/people/counselors are right for you and some aren't. It's OK to say, "I'm not religious, is there someone else I could speak to?".

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