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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Takeaways

31 replies

SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 12:48

My partner, who I love very much, is starting her own business but not yet earning very much money.

I am working in London, it's the only way I could find decent work. I pay all the bills and the mortgage, and come home at the weekend.

My partner is buying a sandwich at work. She is also ordering two takeaways a week. I imagine she is paying about £60 a week. I live on baked beans on toast when I'm at home.

AIBU to be irritated by this? I don't want to sound like the sort of man that sees himself as the breadwinner or to try to control what she does when I'm not there. I don't mind us buying a takeaway at weekends as a treat.

How do I talk to her about it?

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 01/05/2015 12:49

Whose money is she using for the food?

Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 12:51

It's her money. But then, I am paying for the house we live in, and her car.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/05/2015 12:51

sounds like you need to sit down together and look at your budget.

Surely financially it would make sense for you to work closer to home even if on less money?

Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 12:53

There is nothing like my job outside of London. We'd have to sell the house.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 01/05/2015 13:05

YANBU. She basically gets to live for free - including having a car laid on by you! - and take her time building up her business, treating everything she earns as pure disposable income, while you work away from home to fund all your joint living expenses?

She's taking the piss.

Rosieliveson · 01/05/2015 13:15

There is clearly some sort of miscommunication about money here. I think you both need a better understanding of what money is coming and and going out.

Can you sit down together and create a budget. Money in and money out split into money for the house, cars, groceries, spending, savings etc and actually make her aware of how much money is being spent and what it's going on. Maybe you can also make projections for her earnings and plan how this will factor in your budget too. It isn't fair if you are the only one trying to make your money work.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 13:17

Since it's annoying you, you should talk to her about it. Maybe there's a reason she's buying takeaways - if she's working very long hours with her new business perhaps she's too tired to shop and cook, but I can see why that seems unfair when you're surviving on beans on toast. Did you have a discussion about budgets before she started her business? How much do you spend on accommodation through the week? To what extent are you prepared to consider the wider issue of gender differences in income as a factor in each person's contribution? Will the business eventually make enough money to make both your lives more comfortable? Are you willing to give it time to get off the ground?

I've never run a business, but when I was first married I was studying and my husband supported me. He paid for everything and I paid for nothing. Once I got my degree, I got a good job and eventually made more money than him. So financially it was worth my temporary lack of contribution. But it was hard at the time (and I never had takeaways without him).

I think there are quite a few questions you need to address, because you need to have a plan for your future as a couple.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 13:21

It depends if you both have the same amount of disposable/personal income or not.

If she spends £30 a week on lunch at work while you're taking in a Marmite sandwich, but you're spending £100
a month on a gym sub. whilst she exercises by walking to work, then actually it is fair.

Do you get to spend money on yourself? Could you afford nicer food if you wanted it?

ThereIsIron · 01/05/2015 13:22

A sandwich is about £2.50 and a fiver for a takeaway. How do you arrive at £60?

msgrinch · 01/05/2015 13:24

a fiver for a takeaway Confused Hmm More like £15!

helenahandbag · 01/05/2015 13:25

Do you mean £60 a month? For a sandwich every day plus the takeaways?

YADNBU, she is basically being kept while frittering her own money away on rubbish. I work full time and have to bring my own food because I can't afford to buy lunch every day!

Purplepoodle · 01/05/2015 13:26

So agree a set each week that your both allowed to spend. Spending money if u like. My dh chooses to spend hus on smokes and dvd. I spend mine on a takeaway and some bits for the kids

drbonnieblossman · 01/05/2015 13:32

She's taking the piss.

If you'd come on here and said what you did as a woman, there'd have been uproar.

You are living frugally and she needs to too. Yes it's tough starting a business and for that reason, when your not taking anything out of the business, you cut your cloth accordingly.

ClumsyNinja · 01/05/2015 13:40

I don't think £60 a week is that far off.

I used to buy lunch out at work quite a lot and a sandwich would include a coffee for me, so easily a fiver a day plus a takeaway is at least a tenner. So a minimum of £45 a week, I'd say.

If you're not happy with her spending habits you need to sit down and draw up a budget together that you can both stick with. However, you can't force someone to adopt the same spending criteria as you so you need to accept that something you feel is an extravagant luxury may be regarded as a necessecity by her and vice-versa.

Probably easiest if you can both agree on a fixed amount of disposable cash to spend weekly on whatever vice takes your fancy.

Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 13:48

drbonnieblossman and PuntasticUsername: Actually, I don't feel she is taking the piss. She's working really hard at something she's brilliant at. I want to support her to do that.

ThereIsIron: It's easy to spend £60 a week on takeaways. Once you pay for delivery, the takeaways are £15 each.

SaucyJack: I don't have disposable income here, I am putting it all into the house. I buy cheap food, work and sleep.

I think we'll have to do a spreadsheet this weekend.

OP posts:
coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/05/2015 13:49

How you talk to her about this kind of depends on your relationship I would imagine.

If it was me, I'd probably say something like, 'bloody hell babes, how much are you spending on food a week??!'. He'd probably respond with something like, 'What? What do you mean?' and then I'd point out that he was spending X amount on food a week and then point out that I was only getting beans on toast. 'Hardy fair is it?' and it would go from there.

PuntasticUsername · 01/05/2015 20:30

Op - it sounds as if I offended you with my choice of words. I'm sorry. Clearly you love and respect her a lot, but at the same time you're unhappy enough about the money issue to have posted here about it?

I agree with the other wise posters - you could probably do with sitting down together and working out a proper budget, so you both contribute what you reasonably can to your joint expenses, and end up with what you both agree is a fair amount of disposable income afterwards. Then if she wants to blow all hers on takeaways and have none left over for haircuts, that's up to her!

Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 20:35

Not at all Puntastic! I value your input.

I just wanted to check I wasn't being an ogre.

OP posts:
ZombieKoala · 01/05/2015 20:51

Yes, it sounds as if youre living together?

Make a rough budget, it doesnt need to be down to every pound, or point scoring.

Income. Then bills, food, holidays, savings for new bathroom , or whatever.

If she is ordering a takeaway twice a week what are you eating those nights? Or are you home at very different times? it makes no sense to have differnet meals all the time.

What about drawing up a weeks menu, quick to cook stuff, including packed lunches?

For lunches one of you can do chicken pasta salad the night before. The next the other makes interesting wraps. Take in leftovers tomnuke upmat work another. lunch time food can get boring.

MarwoodsMate · 01/05/2015 20:52

I don't think YABU or ogre-like. Yeah a proper budget is a good idea. I totally sympathise with your DW too though - the last thing I want to do is cook or make packed lunches (for myself at least) when I'm working particularly hard.

MarwoodsMate · 01/05/2015 20:55

Just a thought though, if she is looking after any DC on top of working while you are away in London during the week, it might be that she struggles to find the time to cook every night? You don't say if you have an DC in your posts (unless I missed it, in which case sorry)!

Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 21:17

We don't have any yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
SevenAteNine · 01/05/2015 21:21

I totally get why she does it. She's super busy. And I really don't want to go telling her what to do. I just worry that we might not have enough money if she's spending so much on food.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 01/05/2015 21:40

You're not telling her what to do, you're rightly concerned about the split of financial responsibility between the two of you. Your finances are entwined, and at present you're paying for everything. It's great that you're prepared to support her while she builds her business up, but she shouldn't be living better than you do in the meantime!

Beans on toast takes five minutes to make so if it's all about time, why aren't both of you eating beans on toast in the week and then getting takeway together at the weekend?

Purplepoodle · 01/05/2015 21:53

She could buy take away style meals from supermarket that u can just bung in the oven