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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go to brother's wedding party?

39 replies

FeckedUpFamily · 30/04/2015 22:21

I've Nc'd so as to not out myself

Long story short, I have one brother and parents had a very ugly divorce a few years ago. Me and my DB have always been extremely close, much to SIL's displeasure. Despite me providing regular child care we avoid each other. I am not allowed in her house if she is present and if I keep the kids, she leaves in a taxi separately before I come and then my brother will follow on, when I arrive, in the car.

He visits me regularly (around once a fortnight) and we simply don't discuss her or our parents which works fine and so we've remained just as close. She is also physically abusive to my DB which we don't discuss (I have tried, he knows I know and am here for him but no point in me pushing him away).

Wedding is in 8 weeks. I am totally against it and feel with her regularly beating the crap out of him I am justified in doing so.

But. He is my DB. I love him with all my heart and he has made it plain to me how important it is for me to be there. She has said my DF is uninvited to the wedding (after some made up slight) and my DM is genuinely too ill to go. We have very little extended family so in short, if I don't go he will have no-one from his side (BM and groomsmen are her DBs).

AIBU to not go at all and take my DF out for a nice dinner or something instead or should I suck it up and go support my DB? And if I did, would it be awful for me to go to the ceremony only and not the reception/party afterwards? In the nicest possible way, my intention with this thread it only about attending the wedding. I do all I can re the abuse but really don't want a discussion about it, I've simply put it in to justify my reasons for not wanting to go.

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 30/04/2015 22:23

I think ceremony but not reception could be a good compromise, but there is also the point that she will use your non attendance to try and drive a wedge between you and DB, by telling him you don't care etc..

Jessica2point0 · 30/04/2015 22:26

Ceremony but not reception. It's one thing supporting your brother even when you disagree with his decision, it's another thing entirely to celebrate said decision.

Hassled · 30/04/2015 22:26

Yes, ceremony but not reception. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place but for your DB to have no-one from his family there would be awful for him, and it sounds like he needs a public show of some family support. It will also send a useful message to SIL that you're very much there and you have his back.

StrangeGlue · 30/04/2015 22:29

Ah she's clever cause you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't it's 'oh your sister says she loves you but she couldn't be arsed to come to the wedding' or 'she embarrassed us by not coming' and of you go you'll commit some made- up affront.

I'd go to the ceremony and at a push go to the reception for a single drink. Then go out with you dad.

Your poor brother :(

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 22:33

I'd go to the ceremony and fucking nobble her in the ladies' and tell her that if she lifted one finger against my brother I would call the police so fast her feet wouldn't hit the ground until she was in prison.

DoJo · 30/04/2015 22:37

I agree with PP and think you should go to the ceremony but probably explain to him beforehand that you are unlikely to stay for long (if at all) at the reception. Distancing yourself from him isn't going to help and will play into her hands, especially when he has made it so abundantly clear how much it means to him. If he is determined to keep his relationship with her separate to yours, and knows how you feel, then all you can do is be there for him, let him know that you love him and do what you can to keep the lines of communication open.

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 30/04/2015 22:44

I'd go to both for your brothers sake. wear white Can you hang out with the kids.

Starlightbright1 · 30/04/2015 22:48

I am of the opposite opinion... As abusers like to cut of their partners from friends and family. It sounds like she is doing a great job.

I am not suggesting staying till the early hours but I do think she will use you leaving earlier to try put distance between you and your DB... You shouldn't have to do it however I think I would if I could for your brother.

It is such a difficult position for you to be in so you have to do what feels right

PtolemysNeedle · 30/04/2015 22:49

I'd go for as much as you feel capable of. Your brother wants you there and feels he needs you there, so you should go for his sake.

Apart from anything else, if she's abusive, she could use your absence against your brother. Of course you don't want to go because this isn't a marriage you want to celebrate, but if you love your brother then you really should be there for him and his children.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 30/04/2015 22:58

Do go, my SIL sounds similar to yours and stopped my DB coming to my wedding, Obviously not the same situation but it's heartbreaking when someone you desperately want there isn't, whatever the reason

Spickle · 30/04/2015 23:00

I'm going to say you should go, preferably to both, as a support for your DB. He wants you there and would be upset if you don't go. Potentially you run a very high risk of contributing to a major fall out between you and that's not what you or he want to happen.

I'm getting married in 8 weeks time, my DB has refused to come (various reasons) and although I tried to understand from his point of view, we have now fallen out big time and our relationship will never be the same again. Devastated doesn't come close to how I feel about this, but he would rather put his feelings about the marriage as more important than supporting me.

base9 · 30/04/2015 23:03

I would have one last talk with him. Tell him honestly that you are very concerned for him and why. Then tell him that you will be at the ceremony and reception, to remind him that if he ever needs a way out, no matter what wedge she drives between you two, you will be there for him. It won't be long before she cuts you off, too, so do this for your db while you can.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 30/04/2015 23:05

I agree, if you don't go to both she will be that step closer to driving a wedge between you and your brother.

MissMuesli · 30/04/2015 23:50

Yes I think you should go but your reasons for not wanting to are very understandable. Have you got a partner or friend you could take as your plus one for some moral support?

LaLyra · 01/05/2015 00:06

I would go for your brother's sake.

My parents were abusive and violent (mostly father towards mother and us, but she was as bad when he wasn't starting on her). Maternal grandparents couldn't stop having a go at them and as understandable as it was it didn't help. He very successfully cut them out of our lives. Paternal grandparents made their disapproval known and then said nothing. They were always there for us and that meant when it got to the point that we needed out they were aware of it and we were able to turn to them.

It's awful and horrific to see your brother making choices that will hurt him, but for the sakes of him and his children please try and find it within yourself not to give her an excuse to cut you off. He's made it plain he really wants you there and that is likely something that has got him grief so it's obviously important enough for him to stand up to her.

You are not being unreasonable thinking about not going, but please go.

Frolicacid · 01/05/2015 00:16

I would go to both. It will be hard for you, but it lets your brother know you have his back. Like many have said, she will use your non attendence to drive a further wedge between you.

I like base9's suggestion of telling him you are only attending to remind him he has a way out.

CactusAnnie · 01/05/2015 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knittingdad · 01/05/2015 00:31

Trying to put myself in your brother's shoes I think I would greatly appreciate your being there for me through the whole thing. It shows commitment. And his wife-to-be sounds like she would love the excuse to cut you off.

I don't envy you, though. Horrible situation, and totally reasonable not to want to be part of it.

Straycatblue · 01/05/2015 01:00

Try to detach yourself from the thought that you are celebrating their marriage but rather see yourself as being there for your brother.

You not going as a moral objection, only hurts your brother and plays right into your sil hands, he will not magically see that things are not right in his relationship, he will only feel hurt that the person he loves is not there for him. It will cause pain and divide between you and him that your relationship may never recover from.

As said previously, abusers isolate their victims from friends and family, and you not going will do that exactly.

Do not try and talk to your brother about decisions about going or not going, he is likely to cut you off. As difficult a situation as it is, you have to not put your feelings of unease first, you need to be there for your brother regardless of your feelings.

This is about playing the long game to help your brother in the long run.

cozietoesie · 01/05/2015 01:03

I'd go to the full thing to support my brother - although I'd lay a sizeable bet that with 8 weeks to go, she'll still find a way to cut you out at the last moment. It would be hard to be there and to have to restrain myself from making some barbed remarks to her relatives but I'd try anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 01:13

I would go for what a very close person did to me. Look him in the eye and say, "this is the last time I will say this, I love you and I don't like how your OH treats you. I don't think you should marry her. However, if you choose to, I will come and smile and be there for you because I love you." Then go to the wedding, smile, be present and wait for them to come to their senses (eight years in my case).

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 01:32

I agree about being there for your brother. People who are being abused have very little support, and it's very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship. He can only do it when he's ready, and when the time comes he'll need your help. You can't change your sister-in-law's behaviour, but you can be as supportive as possible to your brother.

shewept · 01/05/2015 06:16

I would go. Not to celebrate but to support my dbro.

My soil was the ultimate Priscilla and by the time the wedding came, we weren't getting on (she isn't nice to my dbro but not abusive). I saw Dbro in the morning and Sil never bothered coming over to our table and speaking to any of our family all day. Which actually suited us all.

What I am saying is, its very easy to go support your brother but not actually interact with her at all. I think he needs you there for him.

HellKitty · 01/05/2015 06:29

Agree with the others. Tell him, no letters or texts in case she finds them, that you love him very much and will always be there for him. Explain that you will be at the church but not the reception and you don't want her to poison him with some slight about this. Any time he needs to talk, you are there for him.

I've known a friend of my DPs for five years and have never met his wife. If DP goes to see him he has to stand and wait in the garden. I really can't understand some people.

firesidechat · 01/05/2015 06:44

I like the advice from Imperial. No idea if it's the right thing to do, but I'm not sure I could stop myself. My brother was a victim of domestic violence by a woman and we only found out how bad it was after he had left her.

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