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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go to brother's wedding party?

39 replies

FeckedUpFamily · 30/04/2015 22:21

I've Nc'd so as to not out myself

Long story short, I have one brother and parents had a very ugly divorce a few years ago. Me and my DB have always been extremely close, much to SIL's displeasure. Despite me providing regular child care we avoid each other. I am not allowed in her house if she is present and if I keep the kids, she leaves in a taxi separately before I come and then my brother will follow on, when I arrive, in the car.

He visits me regularly (around once a fortnight) and we simply don't discuss her or our parents which works fine and so we've remained just as close. She is also physically abusive to my DB which we don't discuss (I have tried, he knows I know and am here for him but no point in me pushing him away).

Wedding is in 8 weeks. I am totally against it and feel with her regularly beating the crap out of him I am justified in doing so.

But. He is my DB. I love him with all my heart and he has made it plain to me how important it is for me to be there. She has said my DF is uninvited to the wedding (after some made up slight) and my DM is genuinely too ill to go. We have very little extended family so in short, if I don't go he will have no-one from his side (BM and groomsmen are her DBs).

AIBU to not go at all and take my DF out for a nice dinner or something instead or should I suck it up and go support my DB? And if I did, would it be awful for me to go to the ceremony only and not the reception/party afterwards? In the nicest possible way, my intention with this thread it only about attending the wedding. I do all I can re the abuse but really don't want a discussion about it, I've simply put it in to justify my reasons for not wanting to go.

OP posts:

Plexie · 01/05/2015 07:31

Agree with others: you should go to support your brother.

Does you father want to attend? Weddings are supposed to be open to the public so could he slip in at the back just before it starts? Easier to do at a church than a private venue.

Nolim · 01/05/2015 07:38

Why are you baby sitting for somene who leaves early to avoid you?

WienerDiva · 01/05/2015 07:46

I completely understand why you don't want to go. But I think you should, and stay for a decent length of time at the reception.

She is probably counting on you to not go and that will add more fuel to the fire and she will end up making sure you have less to do with your brother.

You're a good sister to your db. Remain as close as possible to him because, by the sound of it, he's going to really need you one day.

catsmother · 01/05/2015 07:53

It's a shame you can't stand up in response to the 'any lawful impediment' question during the ceremony and cite SIL's abuse as a reason why the marriage shouldn't proceed.

But of course, I think that clause refers to the bride or groom already being married, or underage, or it being a 'sham' wedding - rather than being there to expose the criminal behaviour of either. Especially if your brother has never reported the abuse.

Sorry .... I know you said you didn't want to talk about that. As others have said, I think you should go for as long as you can bear it in order to support him and show the bitch she won't succeed in isolating him. You're in a very difficult position.

Droflove · 01/05/2015 07:56

I think the only question is will it change his bad situation for the good if you don't go. The answer is no. All you will achieve is hurting him further and damaging your relationship. I would go to it all and make sure he knows you wish he was making better choices but that you love him and will always be by his side. Making a point by not going achieves absolutely nothing positive.

saoirse31 · 01/05/2015 08:03

Would definitely go to both and be the perfect guest. And spend some time talking with her family pleasantly.

Celeriacacaca · 01/05/2015 08:21

Definitely go to the wedding but not reception. Can you take him out for a special meal beforehand so that you have time with him alone and can maybe get him to think again about what he's doing?

I'm often gobsmacked at the behaviour of others as described on Mumsnet and her behaviour ranks near the top of the list.

cookiefiend · 01/05/2015 08:34

I would go to the ceremony and briefly to the reception. Not going will give her ammunition against you. Also when I was getting married I wasn't sure for a while whether my dad would come and I was upset lot only for me, but that people would keep asking where he was or would think badly of our relationship.

It is a special day for your brother and his children and they obviously love you so I would try my best to be there, even if it is a struggle. Also just avoid any conflict on the day, which I am sure you would as you sound lovely, but just try and make their day as happy as possible. By supporting your brother, even though you clearly do not like her, you make it clear you are there for him no matter what. Then take your parents our for dinner. What an awful woman.

CMOTDibbler · 01/05/2015 08:51

I'd go to the ceremony and reception. Because, as others have said, abusers like to separate their victims from everyone who might support them.
A male friend was subjected to multiple forms of abuse by his wife for 15 years, and in that time she tried everything to separate him from his friends - being rude, not allowing people in, fake reasons he couldn't do things, incredibly last minute cancellations of attendance and lots more. Many people did go, but when it finally ended he said that it had been incredibly important to him to have those people who ignored her stunts and kept on being there.

blushingbooty · 01/05/2015 09:36

I would go to both so that she hasn't completely isolated your Dbro but before that I would tell him honestly that you think SIL is abusive that you don't like he she treats him and that he can call off the wedding at any time. If he wants to marry her then you will still be there for him and support him, and if ever he needs you he can call you.

He may not be marrying her for love or because he won't leave her, if he has children then he's in a much better place legally if he marries and divorces then now in regards to custody.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 01/05/2015 09:50

my sisters ex partner was trying to cut her off, i was not going to let that happen, nor should you.
Go to it all be there for your brother.

however · 01/05/2015 09:55

Classic abuser behaviour. Go.

Unless of course you can talk him out of it.

HereIAm20 · 01/05/2015 10:31

I would go and laugh every time the best man said something nice about her!!

CactusAnnie · 01/05/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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