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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find gift lists for weddings fair enough but gift lists for baby showers completely grabby?

59 replies

BeanCalledPickle · 30/04/2015 13:18

Just that really. I've been to loads of weddings. Majority have john Lewis or similar gift lists. Range of gifts and prices. No issue with that whatsoever. Buy them something they actually want or need and job done.

Gift list for baby showers seems to be more and more common and really winds me up. I don't really know why. Maybe because I would have found it cringe worthy myself, or because I don't like buying for a baby that's not yet here or maybe because the most recent one was full of things like 25 quid sleep suits and 30 quid blankets that I would never dream of buying.

The baby shower list was circulated on the basis that people have asked what's needed and this means we won't 'waste our money' and of course don't feel obliged etc. But it still winds me up.

Am I being unreasonable to think wedding lists are fine but baby shower gift lists are just too much?

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 30/04/2015 22:57

YANBU. It's a vulgar American import.

I like the idea of a hand-me-down party where friends bring a few hand-me-downs from their kids to throw into the ring. Because that's what friends do anyway, hand on their stuff so it can be used again.

Kiwiinkits · 30/04/2015 22:58

(I'm a re-gifter of baby items. You get given SO much that baby doesn't need. So you put it away in a box somewhere, tag still on, and pass it on to the next person having a baby. I thought everyone did that)

Kiwiinkits · 30/04/2015 22:58

strike through fail

Only1scoop · 30/04/2015 23:00

Grabby beyond belief

Awful

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 23:01

YANBU

dynevoran · 30/04/2015 23:11

A friend and I have passed a bag of baby clothes between us for 4 children in total now. Her other friends were keen to throw her a shower for her second who was born last week but suggested We all bring a pack of wipes or nappies and a cake!

I didn't want a shower myself because of the grabby element but had a wonderful time. We did no games but painted her bump (Brazilian tradition) and gave her a footrub and shared some food and drinks. And it was nice to take some token gift even if she didn't need anything - it's one of those things that I don't want for myself but love for other people!

MrsHathaway · 30/04/2015 23:47

In the US the convention is to buy before the baby arrives. That is fairly logical.

In the UK the convention is to buy once the baby has arrived. That makes sense if you are superstitious.

The problem with baby showers in the UK is that there doesn't seem to be a consensus on whether the gift you take is instead of or as well as the gift you'd take when the baby is actually born, and neither quite feels right.

Until we get over the weird awkward "how does this work?" etiquette clash I think baby showers will feel wrong to a lot of British people, and gift lists will feel wrong too.

Original poster
BeanCalledPickle · 01/05/2015 08:36

I really love the idea of a hand me down party! How can we start this as a thing here??

I think the PP summed it up rather well; it's just not very English. Not what we do. It involves money and that means it will always be just a bit awkward..

OP posts:
Salene · 01/05/2015 08:41

Baby showers are just awful , comes across like a total begging skin Flint

And to have a list for it..,, words fail me

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2015 08:42

Do people still expect gifts after the baby is born if they have a baby shower. Luckily no one I know has ever had one. Unfortunately all new babies in my life get a knitted cardigan or cuddly toy made by me and that's what I'd take along to a shower.

Lavenderice · 01/05/2015 09:06

I don't disagree with Wedding Lists, I just never buy off them.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/05/2015 09:09

Imo. They're both grabby and presumptious. I can't stand one rule for one and one for another.
The words Gander Goose and good come to mind

yallahabibi · 01/05/2015 20:39

I thought it really lovely that a friend at work organised collegues to chip in and ordered a selection of their favourite childhood books for my DS1 .
It was a literary shower of sorts . A list of actual baby stuff is vile IMO.

SenecaFalls · 01/05/2015 20:52

Baby showers originated in the US as a kind of community gathering to help new parents, in a kind of it-takes-a-village sort of notion. There is a definite etiquette and having a registry is not only acceptable, but considered a convenience for the guests. I don't particularly like the games, etc. but most baby showers I have attended (and the two I hosted) were happy, easy-going, and fun parties.

They don't seem to have made a very happy translation to the UK, based on MN threads anyway.

SenecaFalls · 01/05/2015 20:55

One very important etiquette point is that you don't throw a shower for yourself or for immediate family. That would be considered grabby.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 21:01

'One very important etiquette point is that you don't throw a shower for yourself '

This. There are also for a first baby.

SenecaFalls · 01/05/2015 21:19

You say that weddings are normally larger, this shower has sixty guests! Girls only for lunch - a three course affair in a gastro pub but that's another thread- then partners and male friends for the rest of the day.

This just sank in, OP. I have never heard of anything like this in the US. It sounds as though they are taking the UK two-tiered, two-sets-of-guests wedding reception notion (which does not happen in the US) and turning it into a baby shower.

Please, y'all, don't think this kind of carrying on is an American thing.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 21:27

Exactly, Seneca, but I've seen this time and again. Posters creating threads to talk about 'showers' like this, or 'I want to throw myself a shower for my third, but just a get together of an evening,' and people pile in, 'So American and grabby,' and my first thought is, 'That's like no form of American shower. Ever.'

Baby showers are not evening parties for couples, pamper days for the mother-to-be, thrown by oneself, etc etc.

Weddings are not two-tiered events where the couple marries at stupid o'clock in the morning before only the A-listers, followed by a meal called a 'breakfast' in the afternoon, and then an 'evening do' for all the people you didn't want to stump up for, but you want gifts.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 21:33

There was a thread on here last week by a poster who had been invited to a baby shower where you had to pay for your own meal Hmm and when she declined, the organiser (might even have been the mum-to-be's husband, WTAF?) contacted her and asked her for a cash contribution to the cost of the mum-to-be's meal. Queue, 'It's a grabby American import.' I can assure you, showers are nothing like this in the US.

SenecaFalls · 01/05/2015 21:41

Yeah, expat, I have just realized that I have never been to a baby shower that was not in someone's home, except for ones at work. And as for the two I hosted, I'm just trying to imagine getting 60 people into my house.

MrsHathaway · 01/05/2015 21:47

and then an 'evening do' for all the people you didn't want to stump up for, but you want gifts.

In my world, evening guests don't bring presents, or if they do it's a club-together-for-a-set-of-novelty-coasters type of present. Excuse for a piss-up in a nice frock, that's all.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 01/05/2015 21:49

"Grabby" is a concept I've only ever seen on Mumsnet.

In the real world people have been giving gifts and money to new babies and newly weds for hundreds of years. In some circles this is formalised with a list and in others you have to work it out. A lot of people like the list. It saves valuable think time and potential waste.

Until attendance and gifts are made compulsory by law, I don't see the problem.

ktd2u · 01/05/2015 21:56

I had a baby shower at the weekend. I just used it as a chance for family and friends to get together, I did a buffet and a few games. I wasn't fussed on presents and some people got baby nothing, some a cheap packet of bibs or some a more pricey gift. I didn't expect it and grateful for everything received. It doesn't have to be a tacky, superficial thing. As it's my first I was glad to hear my aunties, mum and mil recall their experiences etc. as well as have a catch up with friends. I wouldn't dream of sending a list like a wedding gift list though, that seems a bit far!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 21:56

I've been to a few in apartment club houses, a couple in a function room at a Mexican restaurant, Seneca, and one in a golf course club house, but yes, most are at someone's home.

I hosted one in my apartment complex's club house because I was in a 1-bed apartment with my husband.

enjoyingscience · 01/05/2015 21:57

YANBU. I went to one the other weekend which had a looong list, with basically everything you'd need to set up for a baby. It also cost me £15 to attend, for a shit sandwich and a piece of brownie.

If the couple in question were hard up, then fine, but they earn more than we do by miles, and we've already given them a ton of handed down stuff which they clearly don't want, looking at the list. I absolutely would have bought the baby a gift when it's born, and almost certainly would have asked what they wanted, but to be presented with a list upfront was just yuk.

The woman has gone a long way down in my estimation, which is a shame.

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