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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think he's a bit controlling or is he BR saying I am too self centred?

88 replies

SilentService · 29/04/2015 21:10

AIBU to think he’s a controlling ARSE....

Been dating New Man for a year, it’s not always been easy but mostly great. I think I’m now at limit and need to end it.

  • In conversation NM will say ‘x happened to me todayl’….I’ll often respond, after hearing the problem/his story , with ‘oh god, how awfuI/funny/brilliant I know that feeling it was like when xyz happened to me/my friend/my Co worker’ in attempt to empathise and acknowledge , NM responds ‘are you competing with me?’.
  • At a party NM went out to get a drink from the kitchen and came back in mid way thru mutual friend recounting a story, and talked over friend, I gently said ‘shhh friend is talking, he’ll be finished in a mo’, NM gave me silent treatment for rest of eve for ‘dismissing’ him but gave no explanation of his silence until the next day, just walked back to mine in silence and went to bed without a word to me.
  • I have annual trip away with friends coming up . NM wanted to come along + his DS. Six months ago I said ‘the more the merrier’ envisaging NM would camp alongside the families (inc. mine) going. No, NM wanted to be included as a part of my party but has never taken his DS camping before. I am in routine of camping regularly with my DC and so would be in own tent and so forth (and no room in tent for NM + his DS) NM said this means I am rejecting him as don’t want to share a tent with him/be close to him. I don’t want to feel responsible for NM and his DS all weekend, my own DC are quite enough to keep me occupied. NM now saying I clearly didn’t want him there so am rejecting him so I should never have indicated that it may be ok to come. He’s not coming along.
  • On recent outing with NM his DS and my DC I mentioned the trip to my DC and got an earful “how do you think my DS felt hearing you talk about your trip he’s not invited on?” (isn’t it up to NM to arrange camping trips with his DS if he wishes, not make me feel like it’s up to me organise and arrange them?)
  • Discussing poss joint trip with NM and all DC in the school summer hols, location picked out that is near where some friends of mine live. I said if we went to that location I might stop in with friends (friends who NM has said he’d not be interested in meeting) for lunch or overnight on way back, got “how could you do that to my DS – he’d see you going off on another holiday without him”.
  • Due to DC custody arrangments seeing NM in the week usually means me going to his place, if I stay over I have to leave early to beat traffic in the morning. NM has a physically exhausting job and is a lark to my nightowl. Sometimes he goes to bed very early and I want to stay up so will say I will stay and chat/watch movie til he’s asleep then go home so as not to disturb his sleep or disrupt mine by leaving at 5.30am.There is also the issue that when NM has his DS 90% of the time DS comes into NM’s bed in middle of night and I feel awkward being there too. This is also being regarded as rejection of NM by me.
  • NM is suspicious about me chatting to my friends over social media (Whatsapp/FB Messenger etc) as he’s convinced I’m just slagging him off to them.

Reading that back makes me go ‘red flags ahoy…run for hills’….but NM manages to make me feel like I am the unreasonable, uncaring heartless cow. Am I?

OP posts:
Charis1 · 29/04/2015 22:21

I don't think he is an arse at all.

that first point you mention, that is an awful habit you have, always telling someone you "know that feeling, it is like when...." etc. I can't stand people doing that to me. totally dismissing my own feelings and experience, and setting up their own competing story. It is truly infuriating, and is also the sign of a very bad listener, so this may be finding this in other areas of your relationship to.

As to the other issues, maybe he doesn't know how to camp and was expecting guidance? i don't know, but it clearly sounds like you are not enjoying this relationship, and I can't imagine he is either.

Maybe stop wasting each other's time?

SolidGoldBrass · 29/04/2015 22:24

The person I feel sorry for is this prick's poor DS, landed with a self-obsessed, whiny, attention-seeking, manipulative arsehole for a father.
Dump and run away, OP.

NickiFury · 29/04/2015 22:26

How about how he doesn't like her talking to her mates on FB, because he's convinced she's slagging him off?

Or the fact that she can't talk to her own children about practical arrangements for a holiday when he's there in case his child gets upset?

Or how about she can't call into see her friends on the way back from a holiday when they're nearby? He doesn't want to meet them but wants to prevent her from doing so.

It never fails to surprise me what some people consider normal in a relationship.

Hassled · 29/04/2015 22:27

He does sound like an arse to me. Not necessarily about the talking over people stuff - we've all got that wrong at some point - but the stuff about the camping and his DS and you somehow being responsible. He just sounds exhausting, and life's too short to piss about with someone who's exhausting.

AuntyMag10 · 29/04/2015 22:32

Actually I think you both are bad as each other and totally incompatible.

NickiFury · 29/04/2015 22:38

Posters who keep saying it's her too, can you give some examples because I just can't see it.

Vladimar · 29/04/2015 22:47

I agree with red flags. He is trying to use guilt about his DS to control you.

Vladimar · 29/04/2015 22:47

Also I think you have good instincts and boundaries and you should stick to them.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2015 22:58

I think yabu.
Your first point you're to blame there, just listen. Second point, you don't shush a grown man. Camping points - I think it's reasonable for him to think he could come camping with you. Assuming you think you have a future together, wouldn't you start going on holiday together. Social media slagging off thing - well you are, aren't you?
Anyway, it doesn't really matter who's right and. Who's wrong - if you don't like him, don't see him anymore.

DarkHeart · 29/04/2015 23:01

He sounds ridiculously hard work.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 29/04/2015 23:06

You don't shush a grown man? Why the fuck not if he's talking over someone?

Bin him, OP. He's a controlling bastard and anyone on this thread who says it's your fault needs to get their heads examined.

He sulks. He tries to stop you seeing your friends. He sees perfectly reasonable actions as personal rejection. These are the traits of an emotional abuser.

Run for the fucking hills.

FarFromAnyRoad · 29/04/2015 23:06

You don't 'shush' a grown man? Really? So you just stand there while he acts like a boorish buffoon and everyone looks at you wondering what the fuck you're doing with such a socially inadequate bawbag? Screw that. I don't think OP has done anything wrong here except pick a tool for a partner. And SGB has it bang on the money.

NickiFury · 29/04/2015 23:09

"You don't shush a grown man" presumably it's fine to constantly bollock a grown woman for talking to her own children about a holiday and for wanting to visit or talk to her mates though?

VelvetRose · 29/04/2015 23:15

It sounds like you're not really compatible and it's starting to wear thin. I think I'd probably call it a day.

Silverdaisy · 29/04/2015 23:16

You do sound incompatable.

With regard to camping op has said she doesn't want to feel responsible for him. But if this was my situation I would explain that I would be in a tent with my dc, but would help him get organised for the trip. Effectively he is a guest on the trip, so should be advised on how to join in.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2015 23:35

Points 1 and 2 are the only two where I think you are unreasonable OP:-

A) because I know several people who respond to a person's stories like you do by turning it into "Oh that happened to me" then launch into their own tale without actually listening to the person and asking them about what happened. They are very irritating and infuriating.

B) It bad form to chastise someone in public. Do it quietly in private.

The rest of it shows that he is needy and incompatible with you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/04/2015 07:13

another for not being compatible, he seems much more invested in the the relationship than you do.

Do you both want the same thing out of the relationship?

Ragwort · 30/04/2015 07:23

I can't understand why grown women put up with men like this - surely an evening in with a glass of wine and your own company must be preferable to spending time with such a needy, demanding child man. He sounds like an infatuated teenager who wants everything his way.

Bin him. Grin.

Morelikeguidelines · 30/04/2015 07:38

Op he sounds a nightmare. I can't believe some are saying it's 50/50.

I think I would get rid. Sorry.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/04/2015 08:02

He sounds like a needy pita but you sound pretty wrapped up in your preferred way of doing things and uninterested in adjusting to include him and his pov. And I would find the talking about yourself in response to his anecdotes thing incredibly irritating. My SIL and BIl do this and I find it gauche and self-absorbed.

I don't think either of you is a bad person or controlling but I think you're badly matched.

HeyDuggee · 30/04/2015 08:06

I have to side with him as if a man treated me like this, I would have gotten rid of him within 3 months, not stick around for a year.

If a man shushed me like that in front of mutual friends, I'd be dumping him. He probably was silent waiting for you to realise you owe him an apology (yes, he was rude but it doesn't sound like he was trying to publicly embarrass his friend, whereas you were.) instead you decided he was hard work and sulking and blamed him some more.

Camping - if you're an experienced camper and you said more the merrier, I'd assume you want to share this annual trip with your new partner and child and would be flattered and happy you were including us in what is obviously a special annual trip. To learn you then expected is to pitch a tent away from you (with the other families?) is a bit like saying "hey it's a free country, you can come if you want but I'm still doing my own thing and won't attempt to integrate our kids at all).

Fine if you're dating 12 weeks. Not fine if you're dating 12 months and have introduced your kids to each other.

I agree with others that you're not compatible.

As far as checking up on you and slagging him off...I suspect there's a back story here and he has reason to be paranoid, but you may have perceived it differently and don't understand why he's reacting to your behaviour as he is.

Fairenuff · 30/04/2015 08:13

If I'd been dating a man for a whole year and he still referred to me as the 'new woman' in his life, I think I would feel quite sidelined and that's what coming across in your post.

You seem to be trying to push him away/keep him at arms length and he is trying to become more involved/intimate. As others have said, it sounds like you just don't want the same things right now.

OrlandoWoolf · 30/04/2015 08:19

This is one of those AIBUs where it would be interesting to hear the other side of the story.

I have annual trip away with friends coming up . NM wanted to come along + his DS. Six months ago I said ‘the more the merrier’ envisaging NM would camp alongside the families (inc. mine) going

You've been dating for a year. Why wouldn't you go as a couple with both your children when camping? If someone posted on AIBU that they had been with someone for a year, he had organised a camping trip with his son and other families but expected you to be there but not as a couple -more as their own unit - people would be telling her to get well clear.

It's not what couples who should be together do.

shewept · 30/04/2015 08:19

Wow.

Tbh its sounds like its 50:50.

He is obviously more invested in the relationship that you are.

Mrsjayy · 30/04/2015 08:27

You are calling him new man not boyfriend or partner it sounds like you are both in different places he sounds over sensitive I think you see him as somebody your dating he sees as something more