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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To disagree with MIL over this.

61 replies

cleoteacher · 29/04/2015 21:03

Over the back Holliday weekend dh and I are going to stay the night at FILs house with dcs and we thought we would take the opportunity to go out for the evening just dh and I. Just for a meal and maybe a drink afterwards depending on now knackered we are.

Ds is two and a half so no problem there but dd is only 9 weeks. But she is an excellent sleeper and for the last month has gone down at 7 and slept until 4/5 o clock without fail.

MIL thinks it is too early to go out as dd is so young. Is she right?

I would not be leaving her if I wasn't confident she will do the same at FIL s house and we have told FIL that we will come straight back if she did wake as I don't think he would have a clue what to do with a baby if she did. We would take the Moses basket for her to sleep in and the monitor for him to listen to her with. She would sleep in a room with us so would be on her own until we went to bed.

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2015 21:37

I find it odd that you would go and stay with your father in law for one night and plan to spend that one night in a pub without him whilst he looks after your small children!

I think-unless he's begged you to seize the opportunity to have some time for yourselves, that you're taking the piss somewhat! Why don't you spend the evening with him??

Lausarama · 29/04/2015 21:40

Sounds like a good plan OP. Do you think that mil might be jealous that you're staying with fil which is why she's causing problems? Enjoy your well deserved night out.

BeaufortBelle · 29/04/2015 21:42

If the children haven't stayed with FIL on their own before (or in the house he lives in) I don't think I would - sorry! This time I think it's a takeaway, possibly a quick drink out if they go down nicely, and lunch together with the children and FIL the next day.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 29/04/2015 21:43

ThAnks for replies.

Dh spoke to FIL so unsure exact words of the conversation but he agreed to babysit when asked but we didn't offer.

It wouldn't be stressful unless one or the other woke. Dd has not woken before 4/5 o clock for weeks and ds rarely wakes at all and if he does it's generally in the actual night.

Not planning on a late one as tired so thinking we would be back by 11-12 anyway so he would only be on his own with them for 3/4 hours not all night.

Think I might get dh to have another chat with him just to make sure he would be confident with what to do if dd did wake and is happy to do it.

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2015 21:45

If you had to ask and he didn't offer then absolutely no way would I be going out for the one night I was staying there.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 29/04/2015 21:45

FIL has babysat for ds before and has stayed over there before but he was quite young then. He knows FIL and knows his house so wouldn't be scared if he work up.

Obviously dd has never been there before but has met FIL before

OP posts:

pressone · 29/04/2015 21:46

I am astounded at the people who are saying that a person with no experience of babies should be in charge of a 9 week old. Surely we were all in that situation with our first children. Even when your DH was on paternity leave surely he occasionally had a bath, or went to the shop leaving you alone & inexperienced looking after a newborn, or you might have left him alone with a week old baby when you went for a walk just to get out of the house. We have all been alone and inexperienced with a baby (unless every one of you was a midwife/doctor/nurse before you gave birth or I somehow missed the bottle marked "drink me and gain instant experience with babies" that popped out with the placenta.

bimandbam · 29/04/2015 21:47

No I would need leave a 9 week old baby with someone who would not be able to cope with either dcs if they woke.

Can you not wait a few months? They are tiny for such a short time.

DixieNormas · 29/04/2015 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandMini · 29/04/2015 21:49

If FILs happy to babysit and you want to go out OP, then do it.

To those saying "FIL doesn't know what to do", I'm sure she can explain to him, if baby wakes up, pick her up, give her a cuddle and phone my mobile. Worst case scenario is that she cries for 10 mins while you come home.

As to whether you settle her in a separate room or in the living room with FIL, I would do what you do at home for the early part of the evening

NerrSnerr · 29/04/2015 21:50

I agree with pp, the guidelines are the baby should be asleep in the same room as the carer until 6 months so I would have the baby downstairs with him.

In your situation I think I would pop out for a pint, not a whole meal or a pint. I know my baby has always been a bit unsettled in a strange environment.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 29/04/2015 21:51

I wouldn't because it is likely to end up stressful for you if you have to run back!

Still go out but take DD with you. We used to do this all the time when both were little babies. they slept and if they did wake/need a feed it was easy.

Lausarama · 29/04/2015 21:52

I'm sure fil has some experience of babies. He is the OP's Dh's father, after all...

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2015 21:53

I am astounded at the people who are saying that a person with no experience of babies should be in charge of a 9 week old

That isn't what bothers me.

The fact that they're only going to stay with fil for one night and they are planning to go out for the whole evening when he hasn't actually offered to babysit is what bothers me. I just think they have made assumptions and it's rude! He might well be very surprised and embarrassed to be asked.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2015 21:54

Christ. Plenty of people would leave a teenager to babysit if they were only 10 minutes away with a mobile phone.

If the baby wakes, she'll be fine being cuddled/jigged about by granddad until either parent arrives.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2015 21:56

He might well be very surprised and embarrassed to be asked.

Or he might be delighted to give his son and DIL a break for a couple of hours.

I'm sure his own son (who did the asking) is the best person to gauge that.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/04/2015 21:57

By Christ the angst on here! The baby isn't going to implode people, and the OP is only going to be a few minutes away!

OP it will all be fine, leave some milk just in case baby wakes and go and enjoy a meal with your DH.

We're all "inexperienced" with kids before we have our own so that's such a stupid argument I just want to bang my head against a wall. Lets give OP's FIL some credit!

Lucyccfc · 29/04/2015 21:57

If your FIL is your DH's Father, then obviously he has had experience of babies!

Why do people assume that Grandparents lose the ability to look after a small child, just because their children have grown up. I remember my SIL telling my DM that she didn't want her to babysit as she hadn't had experience with babies for a long time. She had 4 children of her own and fostered about 25 children at various different times. A hell of a lot more experience with babies and children that my 'first-time Mum' SIL.

Not sure what is the problem with you leaving a 9 week old with a family member for about 2 hours to go for a meal, 10 minutes down the road. You don't have to be joined by the umbilical cord 24/7 to your children.

Go for it and enjoy yourselves.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 29/04/2015 22:08

Going to get dh to have another chat with FIL about it and find out how confident he is with it. Before we went out I would also just chat to FIL about dd and tell him just to get her and give her a cuddle if she did wake. I would not leave her if she was waking regularly but the fact that she has not woken between 7-1 since she was 2/3 weeks old makes it highly unlikely she will.

This is our first time away with her so unsure if she's unsettled away from home but at that age she's not aware enough of her environment to know she's away from home in my opinion.

I agree- no-one has experience of babies the first time round and they get left alone. I remember dh going back to work when ds was a couple of weeks old and being really scared as I was clueless. FIL has enough common sense to pick her up and call us if she does wake up.

I am aware of the safety guidelines about newborns sleeping in the same too as the parents until they go to bed and I am happy with our choice. We did it with ds and he is fine.

FIL is very chilled out and we are going to be spending the entire day with him. I don't think it would even occurs to him to mind that we are going out on the one night we are spending with him. We see him regularly as he is only 45 mins away so it's not like a special trip where we need to spemd loads of time together when we are there. He has come down especially to babysit ds before, he has offered this we didn't ask, just for an evening.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 29/04/2015 22:16

I expect MIL doesn't like her XH!

I think you're unrealistic to be so sure she won't wake. She's 9 weeks. Sleep through goes to pot unexpectedly in an instance at that age! And it's a strange house. I'd definitely have her in a basket downstairs.

You're 10 mins away, FIL is a father, clue in the name there. It'll be fine.

That said, I personally wouldn't leave a baby that young. Not because I judge anyone else but because I chose not to. I was lucky to have the choice - my sister was back working nights at 6 weeks.

Enjoy your night out!

Writerwannabe83 · 29/04/2015 22:17

There's no way I could have left my baby at 9 weeks, not a chance.

I first left him with FIL when he was about 4 months old, and it was only for an hour but I found it unbearable.

But he is PFB so my view may be skewered!

As long as you and your FIL are both happy then embrace it and enjoy some quality time with your DH.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 29/04/2015 22:21

Thanks everyone . Going to stay the night either way so decided to play it by ear and gauge situation when we Arrive, see what FIL says when chatting about it and see what ds and dd are like at house and in bed.

OP posts:

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/04/2015 22:27

I would've if I could've. I ebf all mine and could never express with any of them. When DD2 was 4 months I tried the occasional bottle and she gave up bf, so that was the earliest I could go out without her. If you're happy and FIL's happy, go for it.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 30/04/2015 09:58

Sounds like a great opportunity for some important, restorative adult time. I wouldn't think twice about it. Worst case scenario is baby wakes and is cuddled by her grandad for 20m while you pay and head back. Zero drama at all.

Sandbrook · 30/04/2015 10:39

Don't be ridiculous ConfusedinBath she'll be 10 minutes away, the baby is fine with her FIL. How else will he get used to caring for a newborn.
This type of crap is why women put themselves under so much pressure.
Enjoy your night out OP and don't mind the nay sayers

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