To think DS will have a lonely childhood

[Blanketey]

Felt so sad collecting DS age 5 today from school.

Lots of children in his class going home with each other for play dates. No one ever asks DS.

He has very mild autism. He sometimes likes to play by himself but also joins in a good bit. Sometimes he flies off the handle and takes a bit of time to calm down - but nothing too extreme.

I'm reluctant to ask others to come to our house as I feel like they sense there is something different about DS and wouldn't want to send their children. Why waste time when their children could be playing with other children who don't have any issues.

I did ask one women about meeting up and initially she seemed nice and we met up once with our DS's in a soft play. Both children seemed happy. I left it a few weeks and texted her about meeting up and she made an excuse that didn't sound totally believable and I haven't heard from her since.

So DS is home now playing with his little brother as usual. They both sound very happy but I an worried DS is going to remember his childhood as lonely. When I was his age I was out all day playing with children that lived nearby but there is no children living nearby for DS to play with.

I know it's easier said than done but please try not to worry about it. When my DS started primary he knew no one and all the kids had gone to nursery together. To top it off he was placed in a composite class so the older ones all had a year together. He settled in, made friends. Then they shifted the classes, almost broke his heart. Now he is eight and the hub of all the goings on in the class. Just make sure you encourage him to play and make every opportunity for him to have friends round. It gets easier.

Don't worry, he is only little still, and finding his feet. My dd 8 has ASD, and I made friends with a few mums, and invited them round for playdates which they came. Some were repiprocated, some not. DD has moderate Autism so she finds it harder to socialise. Though now she is much better as she goes to a specialist Autistic school which has done wonders for her. Get to know a few more mums, and invite their dc round. Some don't have a clue about Autism, I was always very open to people. At dd previous mainstream school, they seemed very accepting.

We are so similar! I have a DD not DS though. I say invite people over anyway. I have and the class teacher said its helped loads. Some have declined, most have said yes. Very few return invites to be honest, but who cares, she has had friends over and its made her more social at school (also high functioning autism). I need to get some more in the diary actually...

"They both sound very happy" It really doesn't sound like he is going to have a lonely childhood! He has his little brother to play with. I think a lot of 5 year olds don't really do play dates. It may seem like they are all doing play dates all the time, but I bet a lot aren't. My DS is 7, and an only child. He has only started wanting friends to come over in the last year or so, and he certainly isn't lonely.

Try to find one mum who seems approachable. Then invite her child for an hour or so. Build it up. Meet at the park and keep it low key rather than the bells and whistle play dates.

Enrol DS for Beavers at 6 and a couple of little clubs that suit his abilities. You'll be amazed how quickly you can amass some little friends.

I've found there are stages where friends can be sparse.
It may well be that this is nothing to do with his autism.
Ask him every day who he played with,show an interest,try to work out who he hits it off with best and try to get to know the mum.
Talk to the teacher too -I've found them to be sympathetic and supportive with friend worries.

I hear you OP. This is something that breaks my heart for my DD who is in reception. She has a language delay and is shy. We invited kids to her Birthday party in January and were pleased everyone turned up. Then, slowly those same children have had Birthday parties and DD has not been invited to any of them apart from one. It is heartbreaking.

I have invited people over only to be let down at the last hour, had p*ss poor excuses and been shunned during the school run. None of it makes sense to me.

However the other day I had a light bulb moment in that DD has a younger DS (2.6) and they are friends. I mean true friends who battle, compete, fight, play, wrestle, make each other laugh. They are comfortable with each other, sparkle and learn together. They are happy to be with one-another. So for now all if fine. I won't force DD to create friendships with people who dont seem to want to spend time with her. Im certain that in time, she will develop a friendship or two and ask to meet with those friends. When she does, I will pounce!

What Im saying OP is try not to worry about it too much for now. Your DS is 5 and the most important thing for him now is a happy family environment in which he feels safe and will flourish. The friendships will come in time. . . Im certain he will be OK.

There isn't really that many approachable mums. Maybe I'm just too easily intimidated but they all seem really confident and their children all seem so sociable. There's not many down-to-earth types that I tend to like.

Maybe ill look back in a few years and think it didn't really make a difference in the end. Or maybe all the other children are forming close friendships and DS will get pushed to the margins.

In the end - by the time they get to secondary school the children will hang out with people they choose - people similar to them. Play dates won't be relevant at that stage. Just hoping DS will find some like- minded friends.

Don't want him to be lonely

DS1 is 9 and has ASD, he's very sociable and easy-going generally, which helps, but at infant school there was always a little clique of parents who deliberately avoided letting their DCs play with him. It took some time but he built a little group of friends he could play with, who he could invite over, and who he'd be invited to go home with and eventually it worked out.

He also has DS2, who is 4, and who adores him beyond all measure, so they're never really lonely. The Beavers idea is great; DS1 went to Beavers and is now a Cub and loves the friends he's made there. And cricket and rugby clubs are generally very social, too, and tend to run plenty of extra get-togethers where he can meet new children.

I am an adult with autism with a son with ASD and the truth is, we never get lonely. You might want playdates for him but it doesn't sound to me that he is bothered by it, so there's no need to assume he has the same wishes for friends as neurotypical children. I was always far happier playing by myself, other people confuse me and stress me out.

To have social situations foisted on me by well-meaning adults was a nightmare for me, I would have been happier to be left alone. Even now as an adult I don't have many friends, but I don't feel unhappy about it - in fact I feel pleased that I am comfortable with my own company and not needy for others. My DS never really wanted playdates and only really interacts with children his age online.

Ds1 has aspergers and struggles socially but mainly because HE doesn't want to be social
I used to do lots of play dates but they rarely get reciprocated (and when they have been he spent a sunny afternoon in the paddling pool reading a book!)
He's not been to any parties this year as the parties have scaled down in year 3 and only a few invited to each one.
It makes me sad for him but he isn't bothered and would rather be by himself, he is well liked and sociable enough in class according to his teacher so I have decided as long as he is happy then I will leave it
DD age 6 on the other hand is the complete opposite and has a better social life than me!! Play dates and parties and activities and secret clubs and texting(on my phone) etc!

Thanks. Some of your replies made me cry - I'm a bit emotional just now. I was in a good mood until I collected DS.

On the way out of the school I saw one little boy who DS was best friends with at nursery going home with another boy who DS also likes. DS saw them too and was happy and said 'there's xxxxx and xxxx'. He didn't seem to notice they were going home together.

I feel I'm letting DS down. If I was more confident I would just approach people and set up plays dates. The problem is I'm kind if shy and that combined with DS's issues makes it difficult.

I really feel I am failing DS somehow even though he is very happy in himself and oblivious.

minthotchoc has said what I was going to say much better than I could.
You know your son best, but with my brother he wasn't (and still isn't) bothered about having friends in the same way as I was (I'm NT)
The thing that might prove difficult is if your other child's friends don't want to come round or the parents don't let them. I had this at school. Looking back on it they weren't worth knowing and I have a nicer group of friends as a result

The thing is DS would be excited to visit a friend's house or to be invited to a birthday. That's why I feel bad this doesn't happen much for him

I'm worried about his birthday - I have about 5 children who would definitely arrive - children of my friends - but everyone seems to have such big parties at this age - I would be embarrassed about his party looking a bit empty

My dd (5) has never been invited to anybody's house either. She's an only child with a socially inept mother (I have immune diseases that mean I am mainly too tired after work to even consider doing nothing else!). We have invited a couple of kids over here but she's never had a return invite.
We've just moved schools, I am mildly hopeful that it will help.
I have promised myself that I'll do a party for her 6th birthday, but even the thought of it makes me want to go to bed for a week!
At least your kids have got each other :-)

Hi Blanketey, I can understand pretty much what you are sad about, the invites that are not there, the seeing other children going off together etc etc. I've been there, done that, got the tee-shirt and am still wearing it, mine are DD 13yrs and DS 15yrs now and they still short on friends even though they are both (if I say so myself) nice children.

Yes for a start it's hard when there are not many children where you live where I live is like an old people's home so it's been hard, DD and DS have had to rely on each other. It's nice to see your DCs playing and getting on well though, that counts for a lot. He's still young so try not too worry too much, he's got a loving family and that's where he'll get his strength from, not from a fly-by-night birthday party. You say you will have 5 that will definitely arrive, I would say that's a good number (and isn't this better for your DS if he has any SN). Why does everyone want such big parties, I don't get it, bigger does not mean better it just means more hassle and more expense!

Please Blanketey, try not to get too anxious, try to get him involve in some activity groups or maybe a sports group as time goes on, I'm sure they'll be some friends out there.

Minthotchoc very well said (applause).

I think some asd children (and adults) need downtime without other people around. He will be busy doing this at school all day and it is tiring.

Let him join clubs like beavers and sports clubs, or whatever his is interested and he will learn to make his own friendships with likeminded people.

There's another boy in the class who I think has SN. When I heard this I was hoping he could be a potential friend for DS - but unfortunately himself and DS seem to clash - maybe they are too similar. DS really dislikes this other boy as he is rough with him in the yard.

I went to a support group for children with autism hoping to meet potential friends for DS - but a lot of the children were much further on the spectrum than DS - he had nothing in common with them.

He's young to be playing out nowadays. Ds' has been playing out for not quite a year-he's in year 3, and the girls never have because their friends are further away.

Just because the excuse sounded false, doesn't mean it was. I know I've occasionally known I had something on that day, but not totally sure what, I'm sure when I've said I can't make it, then it has sounded a little bit floundering.
Ds didn't do after school playtimes at that age because he found school so exhausting he couldn't cope pleasantly with more stimulation after school. So I used to make excuses for him which probably also sounded pretty flimsy.
My point is that the excuse could be more about them than you, and nothing to do with what they think of your ds.

Is the support group any help for you?

Hi dont get hung up on return invites you may get one return for every 6 invites - if my DC want a friend to play I ask them - they are happy - I dont keep score and some kids have never returned an invite but I still ask. One has had lots if sleepovers but has never been to one.

It will probably work out fine. Ds1 was really quiet and had few friends in infants. By the juniors he had a little gang of 4 mates and now at grammar school, he is still friends with 2 mates from primary and has added on a few more. They call for him and he occasionally goes out to the cinema or football!

I cried in reception when he had no invites. Tonight he is a big lad of 15 who is off playing cricket with school :)

I think it's the fact that so many children seem to be doing play dates - and the fact that I know DS would love to be invited on one that makes me sad. I would also love if he was invited too.

I know he's happy in himself and oblivious. If I had a crystal ball and could see he'd have couple of friends in the future I wouldn't worry so much. I feel that his lack of connection with other children at this age is because he lacks the ability to form friendships and this might never come easily to him.

I was lonely as a teenager so I thinks that's adding to my anxiety. The one thing I wished for DS would be that he'd have friends and not left out.

He talks about children he likes in the class but I wonder if they actually like him back. Often he says he played with no one in the yard because he wants to be alone - that worries me, even if he's happy.

What will he do in the summer holidays when he's aged 11 or 12 and I'm at work - just sit at home?

I think children sometimes have to learn how to make friends. I had to teach Ds to see them to the door when they came to play, to remind him to play with them and not in another room, to say thanks for coming. If you persevere with some play dates, he'll learn.

And at 11, he'll be on his Xbox, like all the others :)