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Original poster

To think DS will have a lonely childhood

35 replies

Blanketey · 29/04/2015 14:19

Felt so sad collecting DS age 5 today from school.

Lots of children in his class going home with each other for play dates. No one ever asks DS.

He has very mild autism. He sometimes likes to play by himself but also joins in a good bit. Sometimes he flies off the handle and takes a bit of time to calm down - but nothing too extreme.

I'm reluctant to ask others to come to our house as I feel like they sense there is something different about DS and wouldn't want to send their children. Why waste time when their children could be playing with other children who don't have any issues.

I did ask one women about meeting up and initially she seemed nice and we met up once with our DS's in a soft play. Both children seemed happy. I left it a few weeks and texted her about meeting up and she made an excuse that didn't sound totally believable and I haven't heard from her since.

So DS is home now playing with his little brother as usual. They both sound very happy but I an worried DS is going to remember his childhood as lonely. When I was his age I was out all day playing with children that lived nearby but there is no children living nearby for DS to play with.

OP posts:
marmaladegranny · 29/04/2015 17:56

A word of hope from another one who has been there! My DS had SN and didn't have any friends to play with throughout his infant or primary years as he had a had a reputation for having meltdowns and being hard work - both true! A couple of friends of mine who had boys around his age would have him occasionally to help me out but their boys didn't come to us although that was more down to DH who didn't like other children visiting. For birthdays we always did an outing for 2 or 3 friends - local steam railway, theatre, cinema, bowling etc sometimes with a meal, sometimes back to us for tea. He did go to cubs and scouts for a few years. Once he went to secondary school things gradually improved and he had a couple of mates he would go to the county cricket matches, cinema, mooch round town with. Uni was a hard time but he was set on getting a decent degree. Now 10 years on he has so many friends that I struggle to keep track - and they are good friends who have stood the test of several years!

OP - your DS will never be really lonely while he has his little brother. And anyway being a lonely child does have positives - it teaches you to be resourceful and self sufficient!

Original poster
Blanketey · 29/04/2015 18:19

Thanks marmalade - you give me hope - all I want is for him to be happy in himself

I wasted my day being depressed about this

OP posts:
momtothree · 29/04/2015 20:50

There are two autistic kids in D class who she finds annoying (sorry) however the class is very much a team and with instagram they all invite each other to the park cinema etc - they understand that they wouldnt want to be excluded - and adopt a more the merrier approach. I do think they teach tolerence better in high school being more inclusive - so hang on to that.

Tizwailor · 29/04/2015 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberryshoes · 29/04/2015 21:11

Me again, our children just sound so alike, it is uncanny. Happy to play alone or with the younger sibling, but really excited about a playdate or a party invite (maybe because they see them happening and assume that its an exciting thing to do). Social, but with ASD, so facing challenges.

As I said, I got out there and did l load of inviting, and didn't always get a lot back, but one way I found helpful when arranging was to add the mums on Facebook, and send a breezy off hand invite by Facebook message, asking if their child would like to pop over for an hour after school, or maybe for tea, or a trip to the park together (whatever seemed most appropriate) because my DD had mentioned they played together at lunch this week (or whatever). Its a bit less face to face and intimidating.

It is easy to say (because I feel -exactly- the same as you do) but try not to dwell on or get depressed about what might be. Focus on the now - he is happy, plays well and has a best friend in his brother, he likes school and is not aware of any missing out. He is able to join in but knows when he needs some down time to play alone. This is all so positive.

strawberryshoes · 29/04/2015 21:14

Me again, our children just sound so alike, it is uncanny. Happy to play alone or with the younger sibling, but really excited about a playdate or a party invite (maybe because they see them happening and assume that its an exciting thing to do). Social, but with ASD, so facing challenges.

As I said, I got out there and did l load of inviting, and didn't always get a lot back, but one way I found helpful when arranging was to add the mums on Facebook, and send a breezy off hand invite by Facebook message, asking if their child would like to pop over for an hour after school, or maybe for tea, or a trip to the park together (whatever seemed most appropriate) because my DD had mentioned they played together at lunch this week (or whatever). Its a bit less face to face and intimidating.

It is easy to say (because I feel -exactly- the same as you do) but try not to dwell on or get depressed about what might be. Focus on the now - he is happy, plays well and has a best friend in his brother, he likes school and is not aware of any missing out. He is able to join in but knows when he needs some down time to play alone. This is all so positive.

GasLIghtShining · 29/04/2015 21:29

Neither of my two DC have SN so I am sorry if I do not word anything right.

OP- you said that he would be excited to be invited to someone's house. Do you mean he mentions not being invited? There is a difference between being blissfully unaware/not caring and being upset at not being invited. We as parents can get get worked up at the lack of invites.

When my DS had a party in reception we invited about 12 children. It was at the end of the summer holidays so most people had forgotten and only 2 boys came (thankfully a joint party). I could have sat there and cried for him. Was chatting to him afterwards and he was over the moon because Alex had come to the party - he told me he hadn't cared who had or hadn't come as long as Alex did. I was getting worked up over something which my DS didn't care about.

If your DS is happy to have children to play then I would carry on with that. Maybe as time goes on the parents will begin to feel more comfortable and invites will start.

My DC were often excluded from things all the way through primary and secondary school as we lived about a mile /mile and an half (longer on the the safer lit roads) from the others who would call on each other or organize am impromptu meet up at the park (in the winter as well). They were quite happy playing with each other. My DC would spend a lot of time together. They are 16 and 20 one of each and they still go spend time together and will even be seen out in public together

Your DSs have each other which is great.

I would looked into clubs. Check a few out as you will need to find the right one for your son. The nearest Beavers might not be the best.

I hope things get easier and I hope I haven't said anything inappropriate

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 29/04/2015 23:21

Just to say, I have DDs 22 months apart, both NT. We have lots of similar aged kids living locally,
Neither DC interested in playing out, they prefer company of sibling.

And while they fight at least once per day, they really enjoy each other's company. When one is visiting friends on play date or sleepover, other one is at home not sure what to do on their own...

Don't underestimate the strength of a sibling bond.

BrieAndChilli · 30/04/2015 07:45

Someone up post mentioned about teaching them play date skills which is so true, we had a boy over in the Easter holidays so before I came I gave ds1 a couple of multiple choice questions ie
When X come over do you
A) ignore him and read a book
b) give him a choice of things to do and let him make first choice
C) shout at him if he gets something wrong
It just meant ds
Had to think about the right answer and the correct way to behave was in his head

Theycallmemellowjello · 30/04/2015 09:19

Honestly at that age it's just as likely that he's not invited because you haven't got stuck in and got people over to your house than because children don't like him. Not judging as I have made zero effort to bond with fellow school mums, but i think that if this is bothering you you'll have to take matters into your own hands and see what can be done. It's possible that people are reticent bc of your ds's autism - if you think that's the case you might have to be prepared for a few more rejections than you might otherwise get. But really it will have to be you doing the organising - no one else is going to go out of their way for your son.

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