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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should i start making more effort with other mums at school?

45 replies

dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 09:58

I feel like a loner every day in the play ground, I attend groups run by school and although i do chat to other mums whilst there blank me in the play ground when they are in their little groups. I always make an effort give them a little smile or an hello if see them out and about and I have often had conversations with them regarding play dates and partys etc but they just dont seem to want to engage with me.

Im not saying I want to be best of mates with them or anything but im just finding some of them really rude. Eg new girl started in my sons class at start of new term. One of the mums on the first day walked up to her and introduced herself and was just letting her know a group of mums go out for a meal and few drinks once a month and on a Friday the the mums of smaller children attend the local play gym together... Whilst I am not botherd about going not once have I been asked or even spoken to in such an inviting way by them. One of the ladies I actually went to school with and we are fb friends I do tend to chat to her a lot more than the others but I have seen twice on fb during the holidays almost all of the class are meeting up or at least invited to join them at play gyms or the park etc. Not once has my child been asked.

Unfortunately for me there is same age gap between my son and twins and I have the same mums in both year groups. Lucky though I never struggled so much with my elder daughter she has a few of our neighbours in her class and I also know a couple of mums from school, i felt alot more comfortable in the playground when daughter was in this end of school. I have no idea why I seem to be getting snubbed like I say I am friendly towards them but im not up their arse like I get the impression a lot of them are.

Any tips ? x

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 29/04/2015 10:01

Do you actually want to be pally with them, or have you just got the knock because they ignore you (like you ignore them!)

Either/or is perfectly valid btw.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 29/04/2015 10:03

In the same as you, I just gave up and don't bother anymore. I realise that doesn't help, but you're not the only one. I think in my case it because maybe I don't live in the immediate area of the school, I'm not sure. Do you live local to your school?

Hardhaton · 29/04/2015 10:03

School playgrounds don't get easier as you get older, it really is just as bad. Sometimes people already know each other before the kids start school. So they naturally go together, it might just be a case of just keep talking maybe invite child for a play date and keep the conversation flowing. Hope it helps

WalkingThePlank · 29/04/2015 10:06

I feel just like you OP. A lot of the school mums seem very pally. Lots of meeting up, getting drunk, having big holiday trips etc. A lot act like they've always known each other. I occasionally get a smile and perhaps a brief chat but usually only until a better option comes along. Only 5 years in do I feel like I'm making headway.

I'm not sure what 'making more effort' looks like though so if anyone has any pointers...

AuntyMag10 · 29/04/2015 10:13

Why do you desperately want to be friends with them? I'm sure you have real friends outside of the playground. You only are in their company because of your children. Honestly let your child make his own friends and take it from there.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 10:14

No I dont want to be best pals with them but maybe could be a little bit more friendlier towards me, eg if im one of the first parents their at pick up I might get the odd hello and general chit chat as soon as the others come they just walk off. My twins (I think because they are usually together) dont tend to be invited on play dates butr my 7 year old son has been to quite a few ppls houses and Ive had his best friend a few times for tea they are happy enough to chat regarding things like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 10:16

Its just the fact I feel like a complete and utter numpty stood on my own, I do have my own friends thats not the issue just wonder why they seem to snub me

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 29/04/2015 10:18

Why don't you walk over and join them then?

It's a two-way process.

ollieplimsoles · 29/04/2015 10:21

I hate this sort of school yard cliqueyness op, to be honest if I were you I would be feeling the same but I would let it go. You don't need these women to 'accept' you and why would you want to if they behave this way?

I would let them have their nights our and meal etc, I wouldn't want to go anyway!

AuntyMag10 · 29/04/2015 10:24

Are your kids even friends with their children?

Original poster
dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 10:29

Well thats just it I wouldnt want to go anyway I dont usually let it bother me but its starting to grate on me a little especially because there is a large amound of mums I now have to see in 2 year groups. It annoyed me more couple weeks ago when I was stood near the new mum and that lady walked right over to her in front of me just seemed like a huge snub..

I have on a number of occasions joined them to ask certain mums about partys etc but I feel really uncomfortable they just dont seem to aknowledge me whilst in the group

OP posts:
Original poster
dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 10:32

Yes my son especially is friends with a few of their children. There is 30 children per class and I would as a guess say there is 12-15 mums in this group, the other children are picked up by child minders most day and there is a small group of younger mums who tbh I feel are more on my wave length seem really nice to chat to but again they are really friendly with each other and I find it hard to interact with them when together and plus my son doesnt get on well with their kids.

OP posts:
GottaFeeling · 29/04/2015 10:33

I gave up at the start of yr2. I always attended things at school and could chat OK 121 with mums. DS's friends mums talked to me enough to make arrangements for DCs but I was never part of the chat.

I remember clearly the moment I decided to give up. I was fresh back to school after the summer holiday and determined to make a proper effort. Walked up to a small group which included people I'd chatted to individually in the past and asked if everyone had had a good holiday. They all looked at me as if I'd grown an extra head and completely blanked me.

I've since gone back to work, have a fairly senior job which involves a lot of networking events. I can't say I love them but I can do them fairly successfully. I'm a member of a sports club where I'm a key and popular member (even if I do say so myself!). I have decent social skills. School gate still mystifies me though.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 29/04/2015 10:39

Gotta feeling, thanks for that. Yes 121 i have no problem with. I had actually given up on this bunch of mums last year but since so manty of them now have children in my twins class (reception) I thought it may be nice to interact a bit more since going to be stuck with them. Its weird because I have noticed in reception there is the mentioned group and then over the months a fresh similar group has started with the reception mums. Think every school year is the same x

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 29/04/2015 10:43

If the mum went up and asked the new girl's mum out to dinner when you were stood right there then that is really horrible behaviour and the lady was extremely rude! I'd steer clear of her myself.

But as for them going out for dinners and all... I wouldn't worry about it. A few women have made friends with each other, nothing more sinister than that - it won't seem like them to a 'clique.' If they're friends with each other, they are going to go up to each other and have a chat in the playground rather than go out of their way to talk to someone they know less well - the same as anyone goes over to see their friend when they see them.

It's not easy, but I think you just have to focus on making friends with individuals you think you might get along with. If there are one or two mums you're a bit friendly with, why not ask them out for a coffee or a playdate? Don't fixate on events you're not invited to (no one is invited to everything) just work on forging connections with people you think you want to be friends with.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2015 10:45

Thank god my Mum never had this problem. She just dropped us off and picked us up. If anyone smiled and said hello, she'd do the same to pass the time of day.

I spent 20 years as a 'school gate mum' and did exactly the same.

I really don't get the angst about this stuff. You only 'know' these people because their kids happen to attend the same school as yours. One day you won't even remember them when they pass you in the street. Or you'll be at your child's senior school parent's evening and think, "Oh there's whatsername. I'd forgotten all about her".

You've said you chat to some of them and it's ok on a 121 basis, surely that's all you 'need' when you're standing in the playground for a few minutes, waiting for your child?

Sometimes groups of friends just stand and chat with their other friends. Would you feel like this in a pub, if people were stood talking in a group?

MrsTedCrilly · 29/04/2015 10:54

These threads are so common! (Not getting at you for posting OP, just makes me sad people are feeling like this.) Isn't it just for a few mins at drop off and pick up? I have all this to come so not sure what it's like.. I don't understand why everyone is there long enough to feel uncomfortable.
Maybe it's like this because it's mostly women.. Mixed groups would be more inclusive I think. It sounds like a popularity contest! Aren't there any other mums stood on their own?

applejacksauntie · 29/04/2015 10:59

I used to be bothered by this too. I am not always there for drop off or pick up due to work but I sometimes feel like a spare part when the other mums are chatting. I have friends at work so don't think I am an unfriendly person Grin . I wouldn't worry about it to be honest.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 29/04/2015 11:45

its so hard- I have no idea why the playground brings out this cliquey mentality

as hard as you try, it CAN get to you

I work FT so like applejack- I dont find this nasty attitude in my office (full of women) so I have just decided to concertedly NOT let it bother me. fpocus on the few nice ones

the many threads of this ilk- well this are not a very flattering portrait of some Mums thats all I can say

duplodon · 29/04/2015 12:40

I was really surprised by it at school. I really have no difficulty entering into groups in any other context in my entire life, I'm pretty sociable, brazen even.. but since ds started in September, it's been... icy. I made loads of effort at the start but it is just a weird sort of set up and vibe.

A good few of them speak to me if they see me out and about in the town but then actually actively blank me if at the school gates. It's very odd and I do sometimes find myself wanting to avoid even going to school and engineering reasons to be late if my mood is down for any reason, but I do my best to snap myself out of it!

KikitheKitKat · 29/04/2015 12:49

YANBU, and I can exactly see why it bothers you. No, you don't care if you don't become great mates with the playground mums, but yes it's a big slap in the face when you try to join a group where you know most of them individually, but en masse they act like they've never seen you before.
It's happened to me too occasionally. My answer was to take my time and gradually get to know other apparent 'outsiders', who generally turn out to be quite interesting and some have become very close friends.

TwiceAsNiceAsIceAndaSlice · 29/04/2015 13:02

You won't look like a "numpty" standing in the playground on your own. You will just look like a parent waiting for their child.

I don't bother trying to get in with the in-crowd. I managed to be on the fringes of it one time and the bitching and moaning about other parents put me right off.

The mums you speak of sound vile and you'd be better off giving them a wide berth. You sound too nice for them!

MrsTedCrilly · 29/04/2015 14:32

I bet the cliques all centre around a queen bee who everyone is falling over themselves to be liked by, and are so busy doing this that the rest of folk are ignored! Then when these mums are alone they snap out of the popularity fog and become normal again. Someone from the 'inside' needs to post but they never do! Grin

Strictlyison · 29/04/2015 14:41

Why is having a group of friends considered clicky? Can't people actually make friends when their children at school without being somehow accused of excluding other parents? I find this 'she has friends therefore she's clicky and bitchy' a bit overcooked really. You have your friends, they have theirs, if they fancy chatting in the morning it's their business.

I have two friends a my kids school but will chat with anyone who is next to me. It doesn't matter really, does it. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

I bet you that if you would have a chat with them and say 'I could really do with going out on Friday' they would say join us.

ouryve · 29/04/2015 14:42

It is hard, and can vary so much between kids classes. I'm on first name terms with at least half the mums and grandparents of kids in DS1's old primary class. The only parent I've ever had a conversation with in DS2's class only moved here, this year - she lives at my end of the village, so we sometimes chat along the way. (I'm not counting the one who used to live in our block who came knocking on my door once, accusing me of stealing her mail, because friendly she was not!)

I completely avoid all the playground crap these days, anyhow, as I pick DS2 up directly from school reception, and hand him directly over to a member of staff in the building, in the morning rather than waiting on the yard.