should i start making more effort with other mums at school?

[dippyd123]

I feel like a loner every day in the play ground, I attend groups run by school and although i do chat to other mums whilst there blank me in the play ground when they are in their little groups. I always make an effort give them a little smile or an hello if see them out and about and I have often had conversations with them regarding play dates and partys etc but they just dont seem to want to engage with me.

Im not saying I want to be best of mates with them or anything but im just finding some of them really rude. Eg new girl started in my sons class at start of new term. One of the mums on the first day walked up to her and introduced herself and was just letting her know a group of mums go out for a meal and few drinks once a month and on a Friday the the mums of smaller children attend the local play gym together... Whilst I am not botherd about going not once have I been asked or even spoken to in such an inviting way by them. One of the ladies I actually went to school with and we are fb friends I do tend to chat to her a lot more than the others but I have seen twice on fb during the holidays almost all of the class are meeting up or at least invited to join them at play gyms or the park etc. Not once has my child been asked.

Unfortunately for me there is same age gap between my son and twins and I have the same mums in both year groups. Lucky though I never struggled so much with my elder daughter she has a few of our neighbours in her class and I also know a couple of mums from school, i felt alot more comfortable in the playground when daughter was in this end of school. I have no idea why I seem to be getting snubbed like I say I am friendly towards them but im not up their arse like I get the impression a lot of them are.

Any tips ? x

Strictly it's not chatting with a group of friends that is cliquey, it's when a group who individually would be friendly with you do not act the same way when in a group, e.g. staring at the op blankly when she approached them to ask a question. You said you will chat with anyone who is next to you - this is not cliquey behaviour.

Don't worry aBout it , once they go to secondary school you lose a lot of the school mum friends anyway when you realise you actually have nothing in common . The last few years in primary I timed the drop off and collection so I really did not need to hang about.

I don't mean to sound harsh but the 'I wouldn't want to go out with them anyway' attitude is probably shining through and the other Mum's are picking up on it.

I totally know how you feel, having been the new one at various playgroups and feeling like things are 'cliquey'. But most people are really nice and you've just got to get stuck in. If you keep striking up conversation, they will eventually give in

I'm almost at the end of this Mum's speaking one day and ignoring the next problem. I decided in year 3 to just forget them and try and not let it bother me but it is very strange.
I have got to know more mums while helping out in the school so I do now have 2-3 that return a "Hello" now.
What is a shame in my dd school is that where the girls are concerned in her class, they have just followed their Mothers and ignore anyone they haven't known since nursery/reception year.
This has caused a problem as my dd only joined in Y3 and now can't wait to change schools and start afresh for Y7.

I'm almost at the end of this Mum's speaking one day and ignoring the next problem. I decided in year 3 to just forget them and try and not let it bother me but it is very strange

I agree completely. I'm not especially bothered but I do find it weird that one day you can be having a long chat with someone and the next day they completely blank you!

as long as you have friend' outside of the school i wouldn't worry about it, there seems to be a group like this in most school's/ The kid's will be friend;s with who they want to be friend's with regardless of the mother's being friendly. Just drop of and run, get there to collect with minutes to spare and on a morning just drop of later. It's easier in the Juniors as you can just dump them at the gate and they make their own way in at our school. I only really noticed this in the infants

I was convinced that there was a big clique amongst the mums in my son's year and that other mums were being excluded. Through talking to them individually as my son has gradually made friends with theirs, it turns out that this particular group have all known each other since they were at primary school themselves, two of them are sisters, two are cousins, several are married to each other's brothers - they're just an established group of long-term friends/family who understandably get caught up in their own conversations and don't notice what else is going on in the playground. It's still a bit crap being on the outside but it's not meant nastily.

stupid phone

I felt a bit like that when dd was in reception. I am.wohm and so don't spend much time there. Plus alot of mums knew each other already.

Magically in yr 1, after a shuffle of the three classes in the year, I now find the mums (and dads) of the new class really friendly. I think sometimes you just get a clichy group at the centre of things and it needs mixing up. That may not help you much!

I also second doing some inviting yourself and generally acting in a confident way as though you are being bountiful inviting them/ their kids into your brilliant life.

I have 5DC - 4DC at school. When DC1 started I made a big effort to make friends - PFB! - she started secondary last year and I haven't seen any of them since! Just friendly through circumstances of having children in the same year.

Because I now have 3DC at primary I have got to know a lot of the mums in the playground and there is always someone to chat to but again, if I didn't have children I would never know them.

Just keep smiling and say hi - you're not at school for too long dropping off / picking up - it's not nice if mums are ignoring you but I guess you wouldn't want people like that as friends anyway!!

I was just like you when my two started school OP and to make things worse my in-the-process-of-becoming-ex SIL was one of the main attractions in the weird-looks-then-silence huddle, so I didn't know if they all just hated me on sight or had been told something unspeakable about me or both!

I took to lurking near the gate and chatting to any other fellow gate lurkers in my orbit ... Worked a treat eventually! A few years down the line I was accidentally in with the in crowd for a bit due to one their sons being a mate of DS1's ... It was all a bit brittle and one-uppy, to be honest, and it was a relief when the boys joined seperate tribes at upper school and I could quietly float off without offending anyone ...

It all stops abruptly once the start catching the bus into school, anyway ...

FFS ... They!

Okay from another perspective one of my children has four best friends, they are a group of five who have been best friends right through primary and are now in high school. My son joined in year 3. Myself and the other Mums of the boys have also become very good friends due to the kids seeing so much of each other. We see each other a lot and have been going out for drinks/meals, having them all round to our house and vice versa for years. I'd hate to think that others saw us as 'cliquey' and I don't think we exclude anyone deliberately. One or two other Mums have joined us for the odd night out here and there. But we all know each other so well that perhaps we haven't noticed people on the periphery as we have been so busy catching up with each other etc. I have other groups of friends - childhood friends and work friends, only difference is they weren't at the school gates. Having said that I haven't got the same with Mums of my other DC's in different years. I think you might be reading too much into it. Maybe you just don't 'click' with them. It's a shame it's upsetting you so much, I bet they'd be mortified if they knew.

Because I work full time i never had time to hang about chatting, and found other mums a bit clique-y. They all come from the town I live in whereas we aren't. I was friendly with 2-3 mums, but just nodding terms with the rest. Then my second started reception just as I started mat leave with 3rd so had more time and I got to know more mums. I invited loads of kids for play dates and mums stayed for coffee, or we met during school hours. It has worked, though I find that the mums in my son's year are nicer than the ones in my daughter's. Either way I am not too bothered.

Yes make more effort. For example you could have approached the new mum and chatted to her. When the other mum mentioned meeting up for an evening out you could have said, sounds great I would love to come next time.
Do you invite the others to anything? We moved to a new area and we had to work hard to get to know people, invite a few other parents to your house for coffee, bbq etc . Some people will reciprocate, some won't. It takes effort but it is worth it.
Join PSA is another good way of getting to know people at school.

Same here op. I have been doing school run for 4 years an know nobody to speak too.

Thanks for replies, its nice to know alot of other people feel like this.

Ive actually this morning been speaking to the school family worker about something unrelated but I happened to mention that I dont actually know many of the mums out of school (she was under the impression everyone knew everyone and were on good terms). She said this is why the school put on so parent groups in key stage 1 to try and get parents to interact with each. She said she totally understands and im not the first mum at school who have felt like this apparently another reception class mum who suffers from anxiety is also finding it hard I think I know who she is so shes asked me if I see her to try make some conversation with her. Funilly enough she knew exactly who the lady was who was talking to the new mum she said her hearts in right place shes lovely once you get to know she just loves been involved in activities and has helped out alot at school with fundraisers - so maybe I just took it wrong way or she is just a big arse licker either way I will take some of the advice off here on board x

We have a number of mums who I always try and say hello to etc but they stay aloof. I end up just talking to anyone of about 20 chatty mums.its easier. I only have 10 mins at school on the days I drop off. And yes it's those who end up organising nights out etc.

Lol honestly watch the movie "bad mums" it will give you some fruit for thought 😜.But on a serious note take them with a pinch of salt it's their loss.I can tell you from my own experience it's not worth losing sleep over LITERALLY and I'm very sad that women are made to feel this way by other women especially in today's society