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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to withhold certain treats from ds until he is dry?

53 replies

exactchange · 27/04/2015 18:20

He is nearly 6, and keeps wetting himself - we have tried all the positive encouraging sticker reward charts lots of praise etc but he just seems to be getting worse instead of better. We have told him he will not have any chocolate until he can get to the toilet in time. He has had a sore willy and we have pointed out it is because he wets himself, we have had him checked and he hasn't got a uti. What would you guys do if you think iambu?

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 27/04/2015 18:25

My 4.5 year old daughter has been wetting herself at school. I posted because the school have instigated a reward chart and I was worried it would make things worse, as it seems to have in your son's case. What I would absolutely not be doing is anything that would seem to your son to be punishment. Have done a lot of reading and there's a link with constipation. Worth having a Google about it.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 27/04/2015 18:28

Erm... yes you are. You wouldn't punish a dyslexic child for being unable to read something would you? Your school nurse can help you with this, he does need checking over to make sure it's nothing medical, like a weak bladder/weak muscle etc. There's lots of reasons why a child isn't dry and punishing them isn't the answer.

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 18:28

I would persevere with rewards for staying dry rather than punishments for being wet (and removing something he enjoys is a punishment). You have my sympathy as my almost 6yo is still not making it to the loo for his poos, although is dry. I know how frustrating it is but having tried all sorts as well i can honestly tell you that rewarding the desired behaviour is by far the most effective, any sort of negative consequences just set him back and gave him a bad association that is hard to repair.

I really really would persevere with rewards. Dont make him feel bad for something he is clearly struggling with. Just lots of praise for when he does manage it.

FlossieTreadlight · 27/04/2015 18:30

Yabu

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 18:31

And do get him back to the GP for a proper check over just incase it is anything more than a UTI.

Mozzereena · 27/04/2015 18:31

YABU

42andGaffaTape · 27/04/2015 18:36

It sounds like you have had enough which is understandable, but please don't punish him. It would just make everything so much more negative for you and him.

I know someone whose daughter started wetting herself in reception after being dry since she was just two years. The mum told her she would put her in nappies and all her friends would laugh and make fun of her. The girl stopped having accidents but now is so consumed by the fear of nappies she goes to the loo every 20 minutes or so. It seems as soon as she gets the feeling she gets in a flap and rather than holding it like we all do she needs to go then or she panics.

It's sad to see, and I have spoken to her mum but she just bushes it off.

Keep up with the positive encouragement, you will get there in the end.

MarniRose · 27/04/2015 18:37

God don't be so daft! Don't use rewards/ punishments for bodily functions. He'll be wetting himself for a reason, whether it's behavioural or physical may not be clear just yet.

My 8.5 year old still has some issues with poo ing himself from time to time. I deal with it with kindness and always tell him it doesn't matter etc etc - and I help him clear himself up and we move on. As a result of me staying calm and matter of fact, the accidents have greatly lessened. I view it as he's a little boy who's most unlikely to be doing this when he's 15, so what's the big deal?

Just help him out, keep him comfortable if he's sore and give him lots of encouragement . See a doctor if you feel it's medical. Most of all just chill out. Stuff like this is par for the course with kids I'm afraid

SaucyJack · 27/04/2015 18:39

YABU. I was the same at his age.

Absolutely none of the "stern words" or punishments my mum or nan had with me helped in the slightest, and only made me more anxious which just made it worse.

If you think it's an anxiety thing the best thing you can do is ignore it.

Nayville · 27/04/2015 18:41

My dd is almost 4 and will not poo in the toilet. She will only do it in her night time nappy before bed time, as she is still not dry overnight.

I have been told I should crack down on this by a couple of my family but to me it's something that she will manage herself in time, I don't feel that toilet issues can be hurried/forced.

If your ds bladder is fine I think I would relax about it a little and treat it more as an accident than something he does on purpose.

I know this must be very frustrating for you though.

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 18:44

On a practical level, are you reducing his liquid intake in the evenings and making sure he goes before bed? Sounds obvious so sorry if it feels patronising but sometimes when stressed we can overlook the very simple things.

DisappointedOne · 27/04/2015 18:47

SurlyCue - sounds like he's wetting during the day......

FrankTurnersGuitar · 27/04/2015 18:48

Please don't punish him, all it would do is knock his self esteem.
Positive reinforcement can help in some cases but I know it made me feel bad when I had accidents, it made me more anxious and I would set my alarm every hour to try and ensure I didn't wet the bed. He will likely grow out of it.

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 18:52

Oops sorry! Dont know why i thought it was night time wetting.

JasperDamerel · 27/04/2015 18:53

YABU. Have you contacted ERIC? Their website is full of useful information and helpful strategies.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2015 18:54

www.eric.org.uk/Parents/home
Fantastic support organisation - please take a look.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/04/2015 18:57

OP, please don't punish your child for something he can't help.
Take him to the doctors to be checked over again.
Reward positive and support them through any problems they may have.

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/04/2015 18:59

YABU.

yorkshapudding · 27/04/2015 19:02

Has he been assessed by a paediatric continence nurse? If not get in touch with your School Nurse and they can refer you to the Enuresis clinic for assessment. I don't think punishments for wetting are likely to be helpful to be honest and you should at least find out if there's a medical issue causing his incontinence as you may well be punishing him for something completely out of his control.

Baddz · 27/04/2015 19:04

Yabvu.

Itsallabitwoowoo · 27/04/2015 19:08

My son was exactly the same and I took him to the doctors to get him checked for UTI and diabetes a couple of times but nothing wrong. Tried rewards etc. Eventually pushed for for a specialist referral and he has an overactive bladder and is now on medication to try to correct it. She made me keep a diary of when he went to the loo and it was apparent that his bladder capacity was only about 1/3 of the size of what it should be. I still feel awful for all the times I was cross with him thinking he was just too lazy to go to the loo.

Totality22 · 27/04/2015 19:11

I completely disagree with punishing for something like this (and withholding treats is a punishment)

I imagine it must be incredibly frustrating but I would explore other avenues - and get the school on board to help - they must have experience of this?

msgrinch · 27/04/2015 19:15

Please don't punish him. I struggled when I was a child, then my step dad started taking my toys away. I ended up on medication to make me poo as I refused (due to accidents). It was the same with wetting myself. I was 5/6. I still remember how humiliated I felt. I was diagnosed with a weak bladder and bowl in the end but by that point I was petrified and held on until I made myself ill.

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 19:15

In my experience it is best to make no fuss, the more you stress the worst it gets. My DGS was the same, rarely soaking but frequently damp if you know what I mean. Suddenly at 7 we realised it had stopped.

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 19:16

Obviously the above only goes if there is nothing medical.

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