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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to withhold certain treats from ds until he is dry?

53 replies

exactchange · 27/04/2015 18:20

He is nearly 6, and keeps wetting himself - we have tried all the positive encouraging sticker reward charts lots of praise etc but he just seems to be getting worse instead of better. We have told him he will not have any chocolate until he can get to the toilet in time. He has had a sore willy and we have pointed out it is because he wets himself, we have had him checked and he hasn't got a uti. What would you guys do if you think iambu?

OP posts:

Sootgremlin · 27/04/2015 19:20

No don't punish, you can't try and control or manipulate another person's bodily functions in that way, however frustrating it is for you. Even if he is doing it 'on purpose' it is likely because of a psychological reason, so not really deliberate as such in any case.

I actually found when I tried rewards in potty training (the only time I have done) it caused a big problem and made his anxiety over it worse. I backed right off, but the damage was done and it has taken a little while to unfuck the situation to where he is relaxed enough to take himself and I am relaxed enough to just leave him to it. Difficult, but I think necessary.

Agree with pp who said you shouldn't try to reward or punish bodily functions, it doesn't make sense. It may work ok for some as a short term measure, barring any other issues, but it can put too much focus on something they are struggling with.

You need to give him some space to work through whatever is underpinning it, physical or otherwise.

BathTangle · 27/04/2015 19:21

I know from experience (2 boys with continence issues) exactly how frustrating it is and how easy it is to lose your rag, but I can also tell you from experience that doing that is ineffective at best and at worst counterproductive. Speak to school nursing service (you can get their number from GP or health visitors) and spend some time looking at the ERIC website that someone linked to up thread. There are some brilliant explanations on there which you can go through with your child so that you are both learning what the issues are and how to overcome them.

Good luck!

workorhobbies · 27/04/2015 19:25

YABVVU. Quite likely to be constipation which you/he can be totally unaware of ie he can be passing normal consistency stools but still be withholding or be impacted which is pressing on the bladder causing lack of warning. No idea how you can be certain it is not medical. Has he had ultra sound to check bladder capacity? If he knows you are annoyed it will become worse through anxiety. reward him for drinking if he is not drinking enough which can make it worse - you need to ensure he drinks large volumes of water and not juice - ERIC will advise you. Even if it is not medical punishing will certainly not help and will just create life long issues.

msgrinch · 27/04/2015 19:28

Just to add, by 8 I was fine. I grew out of it completely. At 25 I now only wet myself when pregnant.

MsJudgementalPants · 27/04/2015 20:01

Dear god, YABVVU. My son has all sorts of problems, should I go and thrash him?sarcasm

applesareredandgreen · 27/04/2015 20:19

Your poor DS. He has the embarrassment of wetting himself at an age when classmates are dry and you want to punish him? Please ask your GP for referral to eneurisis (sp?) Clinic. I had to take my DS due to bedwetting and he had to do bladder training but some children simply develop at different stages than others and he will be fine in a couple of years.

Original poster

exactchange · 27/04/2015 21:28

Thanks for your feedback, just don't know what else I can do - there hasn't been a good day for him that we can praise, we praise him every time he makes it though. I will speak to a health visitor and see what they can suggest or refer us to.
My thinking with the chocolate was that it contains caffeine which won't be helping him, I've told him he can still have sweets and biscuits so it doesn't seem as so much a punishment rather than something we are trying to help him. Once he has a dry day and we can get all excited about a sticker on his chart I'm hoping it will give him more incentive. I get the feeling I will just get a brush off from the Gp.

OP posts:

Original poster

exactchange · 27/04/2015 21:31

Just to add I do try not to get cross, just be matter of fact and tell him to change his pants and trousers if need be. But will check with the constipation issue as he has had that trouble before (while still in nappies).

OP posts:

BiscuitsForBreakfast · 27/04/2015 21:33

Please don't punish him. My 6 yr old DS was out of day nappies at age 2 but continued to need pyjama pants at night until 2 months ago.

We tried EVERYTHING and thought that he would never be dry at night but then out of the blue, he just stopped. Every dry night was rewarded with a shiny penny and in the last couple of months, we've had 3 accidents, where before it was huge wees every single night.

My advice would be to persevere and try and be patient. He's not doing it on purpose and making him feel ashamed won't help.

londonrach · 27/04/2015 21:40

Yabu. Friends ds wasnt trained till 7 and no sn. Everyone learns differently. Im dyslexic and couldnt read till 8 (read everything when i learnt within 6 months, it just clicked, i inhaled my local library) would you stop my treats as i couldnt read. Reinforce positive and dont focus on the negative.( If wees). Is there a gp or nurse you can talk to re the sore part.

AmateurSeamstress · 27/04/2015 21:43

Talk to the school nurses and use the ERIC website. Also maybe talk to his teacher about allowing him out to the loo whenever he asks.

Sticker chart is ok to try but it needs to be really positive. You can award a small sticker for 'nearly dry' and start with short periods if a whole day is a bit too tricky.

With continence issues it does tend to go through long phases - a good month here, a bad 6 weeks there rather than a regular 3 accidents a week.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/04/2015 21:45

Another cause may be a weak signal from the bladder to the brain. My daughter has this, and I still have to restrict fluids from supper time onwards or she'll wet the bed. She's 7. Ask him if he can feel when he needs to go.

lunalelle · 27/04/2015 21:45

I would relax and just use those Huggies pants. My DD, now a perfectly normal 18 year old, was in them until she was six or seven. It happens. I think it got better when I stopped worrying about it.

MonstrousRatbag · 27/04/2015 21:48

Try the advice on the ERIC website. If that doesn't help, ask for a referral to an enuresis clinic perhaps. He may need medication. Our DS did.

Charlotte3333 · 27/04/2015 21:49

The more you make a big deal out of it, the worse it seems to get. I'd try to use positive reinforcements not negative ones, so withholding treats til he stops seems slightly hard.

It doesn't sound as though this is something he's doing intentionally, or because he just can't be arsed to go to the bathroom. I'd go a little more gently in your shoes.

averythinline · 27/04/2015 21:56

Would also recommend ERIC as they have good advice get the gp to refer to specialist you as said above.. Keep going on at the gp if he's at school ask them to write as well....The chances are it's not something he can do anything about if can't do a day dry......if he's not doing a day give him stickers for half day if that works for him but think something else maybe happening... We found squash esp black currant seemed to irritate ...but for ds worked on the quantity of liquid he drank early in day and asking him every 45mins ..nothing to drink after 530/6pm...good luck

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 22:00

Do you remind him to go for a wee every so often or do you just leave it up to him to realise himself and go? I have set times when i tell my Ds he has to go and see if he needs a poo, (about half hour after breakfast, as soon as we get in from school/childminders, about half an hour after dinner and then again after his bath as that seems to encourage his bowel.) ive also asked his teacher and CMer to remind him to go shortly after meals. I dont know why it didnt occur to me long ago but ive been trying it for a few weeks and its been working so far, accidents are reducing quite significantly. I also treat every time he does one in the loo and an extra special treat (an activity pack from poundland or stickers or something) at bedtime if he has clean pants for the whole day. We also put a sticker on his chart for those things too so he can see his progress and remind him of how good it feels to get a sticker and treat. Its a slow process and yes frustrating but it really doesnt do any good at all to punish him for something he cant help. Its a really backwards way of thinking tbh. Get him the help he needs, whether that be medical or psychological or just patience and support from you. He is just little and they all go at their own pace. In 10 years he'll be just the same as all his mates and no-one will know or care what age he was dry at.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 27/04/2015 22:09

Ask for a referal from the GP to the local paediatric continence nurse, if he us having day time wetting at nearly 6 I would suggest it does need investigation.

I would also recommend tKing a look at the ERIC website www.eric.org.uk

Have you considered constipation as a possible cause, dd struggled with incontinence which turned out to be a result of long term constipation ( she was still having bowel motions but was chronically constipated.)

Good luck these things often take time and (a lot!) of patience to get to the bottom of?

needmorespace · 27/04/2015 22:30

Please, please, please don't punish him
My dtr was unable to stay dry - we were referred to the enuresis clinic and went through months and months of charts, measuring in and out liquids etc.
Following a referral to a specialist it turns out that she has a dysfunctional bladder and actually couldn't tell when she needed to use the loo until she was bursting and couldn't hold it any longer. She also doesn't void properly when she does go so is at greater risk of infection.

thegreylady · 27/04/2015 22:56

My dgs still wets the bed quite frequently at age8. The enuresis clinic gave him a bulky alarm which he cannot use. They say his bladder is still immature and it will sort itself out in time. He is neither punished for wet beds nor praised for dry. He would be dry if he could and he will be in time I am sure.

Wolfiefan · 27/04/2015 23:05

I use rewards and would withhold treats BUT only for something they can actually achieve.
Treats for getting homework done.
No going to the party at the weekend if you thump your sibling!
By threatening to withhold treats for this you are giving the message that not being dry is naughty. He's clearly not doing this on purpose.
Please seek medical advice.

Brewly · 27/04/2015 23:06

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Brewly · 27/04/2015 23:07

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DisappointedOne · 27/04/2015 23:32

Amazing how different the advice on here compares to my thread! I practically got torn a new one for saying I wasn't happy with the school implementing a reward chart for DD!

toots111 · 27/04/2015 23:38

Oh no, I am currently going through the pain of potty training and I thought it would all be over in the next couple of months - not years like these stories suggest (can't get her to poo in the potty/toilet for love nor money). Have no suggestions but a LOT of sympathy! Hope it all works out.

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