Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU or is this just PFB

29 replies

Lizziebear15 · 27/04/2015 12:13

Hi,

Me and my DH have just had our first DDvin March and his family live abroad and we and in the process of arranging a trip to go a visit them (about a 2 hour flight away) and we are now having an argument about where is best to stay.

A bit of background is that his parents and divorced and we have the option of staying at either parents house. I say we should stay at his dad's house as we would have over own private room and bathroom and his dad has 3 children under the age of 5 so we would not have to bring much with us as they already have all the baby things, bed steriliser etc. We would them split the time during the day we visit between his mum, dad grandparents equally etc.

We told my MIL this last night and she was really upset and got very angry that we weren't staying with her in her flat. The reasons why we don't want to stay there is there is not really space for the baby as there is no space for a travel cot in the guest room or really any space to store our buggy and she doesn't have any of the other things that we might need. Her solution to this would be that our DD sleeps in her room or in the lounge and considering she would only be 3 months old at this point it is not something we want to do. She is upset that she would not spend as much time with her granddaughter but as I see it we only wouldn't be there at night and she would be sleeping at that point anyway. Also this is not the first time she as seen her as she has been over 3 times already whereas FIL has only been able to come once.

Now my DH wants to spend 2 nights at each house. AIBU to insist that we stay at my FIL place as I think it is difficult enough travelling with a newborn without added hassle of having to move places twice or have to stay with a baby in a tiny flat where there is no real space?

OP posts:

ImNameyChangey · 27/04/2015 12:16

YABU. Use a travel cot at MILS and sleep next to it in the sitting room. Many people with children and babies LIVE in flats. What do you think will happen?

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 12:16

Oh its a hard one. Is MIL living alone? I guess it will be hard seeing you go off to her ex and his new family leaving her alone but I can see your point. Not an easy one and I don't know the answer. Sorry.

Booboostoo · 27/04/2015 12:19

There is only one solution to this (I have divorced parents and divorced in laws all abroad), stay in a hotel. Also take a taxi from the airport, don"t accept a lift from either party.

Moving homes half way through the holiday will add quite a bit of work and stress to the whole thing.

kinkyfuckery · 27/04/2015 12:21

Hotel seems the obvious solution here.

Charlotte3333 · 27/04/2015 12:23

I second the hotel vote. That way nobody can complain of having been treated unfairly. We have family in three countries throughout europe, we never stay with any of them when we visit (it helps that we have two DCs, so we say we'd rather our DCs weren't trashing other people's homes, always handy to use children as an excuse).

chiruri · 27/04/2015 12:24

It's a tricky one as I can see both your points of view. I have a 3 month old myself and there's no way I would sleep in a different room from her, and I know how much stuff you end up carting around for a simple overnight stay! But it must be so hard for your MIL to watch her granddaughter stay with her XH, who also has his own little ones too! She'll really feel like she's missing out. Will MIL help with feeding/cuddling overnight? Maybe that could be a silver lining? I know that when I stay with my DM she can't wait to get her hands on DD and I am usually relieved of nappy changing and middle-of-the-night-soothing duty. Staying with your MIL for two nights and sleeping in the couch next to DD in the travel cot seems a small price to pay for letting your MIL spend some bonding time with her GD.

tomatodizzymum · 27/04/2015 12:35

Stay at MIL. FIL has 3 children under 5 and you want to stay there with a three month old! Trust me, your routine will be easier to maintain at MIL. Older children and babies are ok when the older children are your own, but houses with toddlers are like zoos.

NeedABumChange · 27/04/2015 12:39

Tell mil to get over herself. Stay at fils, easier for you.

PatricianOfAnkhMorpork · 27/04/2015 12:46

Did I read that right - MIL has been over 3 times since you gave birth in March? Its not even the end of April yet!

OwlBeeBack · 27/04/2015 12:49

Stay at FILs. Visit MIL lots in the day. Sounds so much easier.

at 3 visits since March.

Blarblarblar · 27/04/2015 12:49

Airbnb! Love it use it all the time. Often provide travel cot etc. Get a nice little flat dirt cheap and borrow what you need from FIL. Agree that fils will be like a zoo. I feel for mil so this way no one gets left out and you can run away for peace of you need or have them come to you.

Original poster

Lizziebear15 · 27/04/2015 12:53

Just to update no MIL will not help with any overnight feeding/changing as she says herself that she gets very grumpy without her full nights sleep which is another thing I am worried about. She is also not very good with a crying baby and actually had to leave her flat last time she was her because she could not put up with her crying which DD does quite a lot as she has bad reflux/colic

I would love to stay in a hotel but DH does not want to waste the money as we have 2 perfectly good places to stay. I will try and suggest that to him again later as a compromise

I suppose I could sleep on the floor in the lounge for a couple of nights if it comes to it just worried about disturbing MIL/ her disturbing us as it is an open plan kitchen diner and she likes the get up at 6 in the morning. The room we would be sleeping in is more of the lounge, so we would already be sleeping on sofas when we go there which is not a problem, did it last time at nearly 8 months pregnant it is just being in another room that bothers me

OP posts:

TerrorAustralis · 27/04/2015 12:55

tomatodizzymum is wise. Honestly, it will be easier to stay with MIL. If you don't do that, then go the hotel route.

You don't need to take a portacot. There are ways around it, especially with a small three month old. Finnish babies sleep in boxes. A drawer lined with a blanket is another option. Both take up much less room than a portacot.

But it sounds like you've already made up your mind. I'm guessing you don't have much time for your MIL?

chiruri · 27/04/2015 12:58

Oh, that makes a HUGE difference then! Sounds massively inappropriate to stay at MIL's, if she's going to be so unaccommodating (I think I made that word up...).

FIL's or cheap hotel. I'd away towards hotel, personally.

HumphreyCobbler · 27/04/2015 13:00

I think you should stay at FILS and spend the day with MIL. She doesn't have the room or the patience for a possibly crying baby.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 27/04/2015 13:01

But it sounds like you've already made up your mind. I'm guessing you don't have much time for your MIL?

I would say that the op has given plenty of time to the MIL far more than is normal when they live a 2 hour flight away.

Op stay with your fil, you are right it just won't work staying at your mil.

Original poster

Lizziebear15 · 27/04/2015 13:03

Have plenty of time for MIL we have made very clear that she is always welcome to come and visit anytime hence she has visited 3 times already even though DD is only 8 weeks old. I just honestly want the easiest stay possible with the least disturbance possible for everyone. I think hotel is the way to go.

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 27/04/2015 13:06

hotel

it's not wasting money if it makes for a more harmonious relationship between everyone

moving about will be a pita

rastamam · 27/04/2015 13:14

Id make it a nice break for you and your dh too and go for the hotel, youl want a bit of down time surely and can then rest properly in the evening. Your mil could still come over to help with bath time if she wanted?. No way would I want the options of moving in the middle or sleeping on the floor and defo not having the baby in a different room. id be checking out hotels and getting excited about a nice looking cheap one and dh will surely like the idea of some couple time?

AuntyMag10 · 27/04/2015 13:17

I think your suggestion to dh would be a hotel. If he insists on staying with parents then his compromise needs to be that you stay with his dad. It sounds stressful at your mil. If she is going to spend the day with yourll then maybe it's more about proving a point then. Yanbu.

DoJo · 27/04/2015 13:33

I think it's a shame that your MIL is only considering her own feelings rather than thinking about what would be best for you. She wants you there, but won't make any effort to accommodate you or help out, which makes it sounds like it's more about 'winning' than what would actually be best and easiest for you.

A hotel can be a PITA unless your baby sleeps well enough for you to watch TV or similar in the room while she sleeps as it means you are all stuck in one room being quiet at night from the moment she goes to bed and there's nowhere for you to get 'away' in the night if she wakes up to allow the other to sleep. It does sound like your FIL's would be more suitable in terms of having to cart around all the stuff that you would need, and that can be an important factor when you have a small, colicky baby and want to make your life as easy as possible.

Is there any way you could concede something else that your MIL would appreciate as a gesture to show her that you really do want to include her, just not to the extent that it makes your life more difficult.

rastamam · 27/04/2015 13:44

oh no hotels are fab, and theyd be able to provide stuff to make it less to cart over on the plane. And you and dh get to have a relaxing bath together with a glass of wine once the babys asleep!Or if your mil comes over you could do bath time together then her and dh go down to the bar for some nice time together while you get the baby to sleep and then get a nice relaxing bath yourself!

crazykat · 27/04/2015 13:57

o can see why mil would feel left out. But as you say she doesn't cope well with a crying baby and not enough sleep which she won't get if you're all sleeping in the lounge in her flat. Added to this your fil has a guest room and young children so you won't have to cart a cot, steriliser, possibly not even the buggy if he has a spare/one you can borrow.

Fils will be more hectic but they're more likely to be used to crying babies in the night and you'll have your own room and privacy, at mils you'll be sleeping in the lounge with no privacy and mil doesn't deal well with crying babies, plus you'd have to cart a lot more stuff and have no where to put half of it. I wouldn't be shopping half way through the visit either.

I'd be telling dh that it's either staying at fils or a hotel as you are not sleeping on a sofa in the lounge when you can have your own room.

diddl · 27/04/2015 14:04

I think that there are pros & cons to both tbh.

Would MIL at least move to the spare room so that you could have baby in with you in her room?

But if she really doesn't cope at night I would say that she has pretty much ruled herself out there.

Own room & bathroom at FILs sound good.

Three under fives not so much!
But then what's one more to them?

As for moving halfway through, ridiculous.

You are visiting adults with your baby, not kids with a toy to share equally!

DaysAreWhereWeLive · 27/04/2015 14:11

Sorry but at the suggestion that you're being unreasonable and the baby could sleep in a blanket-lined drawer at MILs.

Who would EVER do that?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread