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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel threatened by the headmaster

50 replies

Celestria · 27/04/2015 06:41

I had an outstanding bill for breakfast club. Reason being, ex husband was supposed to pay for the club as part of our own arrangement for his contribution to support for the children.

Whilst the bill is outstanding, I have avoided sending the kids to breakfast club, I haven't needed to anyways as my old job finished.

I've been looking for work and money has been really tight but I finally got a job and started last Monday. Its a manager job, well paid and I am working hard.

The shops official opening day was last Friday. I needed to be the for eight thirty so I decided to send the children to breakfast club, rationalising that I could pay off any outstanding bill with my first wage.

Whilst I was working, the headmaster contacted my ex husband. He said the school wasnt running a credit facility. At the end of the call, he said the children were bedraggled and if things don't change he is considering contacting social services.

My children were not bedraggled. My first two dc had just had their curly hair cut into neat bobs and were wearing new school trousers and summer jackets.

My other two had brand new school shoes and were in fresh clothes with jackets.

Am I unreasonable to think that if he had concerns for my children he wouldn't be phoning about the debt and just throw in social services at the end? It feels like a threat basically to ensure his bill gets paid.

I am already involved with ss, however this is because my dd and I are in the middle of a sexual abuse case, working on supporting my dd and getting the perpetrator convicted.

Aibu to think the headmaster has no grounds for speaking to ss and is just using it as a threat to get the bill paid?

OP posts:

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 27/04/2015 06:46

If he has concerns then he should act on them in the right way, not tag it onto the end of a conversation about an outstanding bc bill.

Do you feel able to book a meeting with the Head about your ex reneging on the commitment to pay for bc and asking him to share any other concerns with you? You are the resident parent, after all.

HighwayDragon · 27/04/2015 06:50

Did you actually hear the HM say this or was it relayed from your ex?

Original poster

Celestria · 27/04/2015 06:51

I am booking a meeting with him today.

For the record, I am not concerned about him speaking to ss. I know I'm a good mum and my children are happy, healthy, clean and loved. They all had a great parents evening.

I'm of the opinion that if he had genuine concerns about the welfare of my children he should already have spoken to ss. Not basically made a threat to do so.

OP posts:

shewept · 27/04/2015 06:52

I assume that he knew the bill should have been paid by exh so called him?

Yanbu about the social services bit, but are you sure your exh didn't tag that on himself?

In regards to the bill, the HT was right. If its not paid you can't keep sending the kids. You would have been better contacting the school and college explaining that exh should have paid and that you trying to get the money together. Then contacted them to say you had a job and would pay the bill from your first wage, but can they go until the wage is paid.

Most schools would have been supportive.

flora717 · 27/04/2015 06:53

Breakfast club run by a school is surely not run on a profit making basis?
Who signed the paperwork with school?
Surely the HM knows SS are already involved and offering support to your DD?
Definitely book a meeting with him, discuss your concerns regarding his comments on their appearance and suggest a small (tiny) amount to start paying into the debt until your ex steps up a bit.
As for your ex. Is there any chance that's bullshit (bedraggled comments) and he's lashing out because he was embarrassed the HM chased him over the debt?
Why hasn't your ex paid it?

Original poster

Celestria · 27/04/2015 06:53

It was relayed from my ex. I am certain it was said however. My ex may be rubbish at supporting his kids financially but he's not a liar.

OP posts:

shewept · 27/04/2015 06:58

I would be wary of accusing the the HT of saying this. I would question it, but not accuse.

It's very possible there is more to this than exh is letting on. He has been challenged over not paying a bill for his children. He could have said something that sparked that comment, exaggerating or just made it up.

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 27/04/2015 06:59

Would you not be entitled to free dinner, free breakfast club and free milk for the children if you haven't been working?

LIZS · 27/04/2015 06:59

Could he not be exaggerating it a bit? Don't go in accusing , just ask about the situation re. using breakfast club.

Feckeggblue · 27/04/2015 07:05

I would also clarify but honestly can't think the HT would accuse them of being scruffy if they weren't? It would be a massively serious problem for Ht to go around threatening SS to everyone who didn't do what he wanted. Is it possible these were mornings your ex was sending them in?

Original poster

Celestria · 27/04/2015 07:05

I was recieving free school meals but
They charge breakfast club.

I will check the hm did say that when I go in. Like I say though, I'm certain he did.

OP posts:

middleagedbread · 27/04/2015 07:05

Hmm, OP you've explained very clearly that the children were well presented with new haircuts. It doesn't make sense then that the headmaster would make such a comment. I could take what your husband said with a pinch of salt. You are right to ask headteacher for clarification of conversation. It sounds like you have enough on your plate at the moment so I hope you can get things sorted out.

Original poster

Celestria · 27/04/2015 07:08

They werent scruffy. I sent them that morning and always make sure their uniforms are clean, hair brushed, face washed, teeth

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 27/04/2015 07:09

Don't suppose there's any chance 'just' having had new haircuts etc. could mean they might have been looking a little 'overgrown' just prior to this is there?

It's a strange, strange comment.

Original poster

Celestria · 27/04/2015 07:16

Yes just prior they were looking a bit overgrown as their hair is so thick and curly. Their shoes were also really worn out until recently as I just didn't have the money so was getting cheap ones that fell apart really quickly. I was really struggling to make ends meet. Now however I have this job and the store is doing amazing. I can't wait to pay off bills and treat the children on payday. I did a fifty hour week last week.

OP posts:

shewept · 27/04/2015 07:21

So the HT threaten SS involvement because your kids may have turned up unkempt on one day? Since You said it was a day you took them.

I am sorry but I very much doubt you have the whole story.

If exh isn't paying for breakfast club anymore you need to clarify that with the school and ensure they contact you regarding any issues. And if you have problems paying, just be upfront about it. The school can't support or help if they don't know the situation. From their point of view, your exh owes money for breakfast club, it's not being paid and you are continuing to send them, with no clear date of payment. They can't just carry on indefinitely.

SuburbanRhonda · 27/04/2015 07:25

Flora, breakfast clubs are all different. Ours is a private business so how they manage their finances is up to them.

Even if it's run by school staff, they still have to cover costs such as wages, food, etc.

Children eligible for free meals and milk get them paid for by government budgets. Breakfast clubs and the like come out of school budgets - there are no funds for those, unless the school chooses to use pupil premium for that and can prove it has led to an improvement in attainment.

Marmaladedandelions · 27/04/2015 07:27

It sounds like it might be a ridiculously over-zealous HT then: trying to look at it from his perspective as it were, unkempt children with clothes/shoes falling apart turning up for a breakfast club that is unpaid for might raise alarm bells, especially with other factors - has anything happened before? Attendance, punctuality, how is the behaviour of the children?

I wouldn't worry. I had a SS referral

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 27/04/2015 07:29

In Scotland in some schools if you get FSM breakfast clubs and milk are free as well.

OP if any child attends my school I know if SS are involved or not. I'd check exactly what was said by the HT. To your ex before going in all guns blazing.

chocolatelife · 27/04/2015 07:33

pehraps the head teacher was trying to help.
ie. to get social services involved to help you,
as you say, there was an unpaid bill. they hadnt been, their shoes were worn out and they needed hair cuts.
social services have a facility to help in these cases.
i think you have the wrong end of the stick.

Marmaladedandelions · 27/04/2015 07:34

It's true that some schools offer a free breakfast but this tends to be prior arrangement, I think - not just children showing up! Not that that in itself warrants a SS referral.

QueenofLouisiana · 27/04/2015 07:35

If the HT said that, I would politely query what the concern was. It could be that he has had reports from the recent past stating concern over appearance and unpaid bills. He may not have been aware that there has been an upturn in your fortunes and that you have been able to buy new shoes etc. I am sure that pointing that out would rectify any concern there.

Schools are under increasing pressure to monitor any changes in children as they are one of the first places to be able to spot any problems. The days of watching over time are gone- all teachers are now legally accountable for reporting worries. It can be alarming and that can be passed on in the way concerns are addressed at times.

However, the bill must be paid. No-one walks into McDonalds and asks if they can pay for their meal whenever they next get paid. Soft play centres don't entertain children knowing parents will pay when they can. Breakfast clubs need to cover their expenses- in this case for four children. They may be subsidised or not run for profit, but schools don't have the money to run at a loss.

Catsahoy · 27/04/2015 07:37

My first thought was why did the hm phone your ex instead of you? That's why I'd be annoyed, sounds like he's stirring it with a stick. If he has concerns he should be bringing them to you.

Topseyt · 27/04/2015 07:39

The ex is not paying fir breakfast club for some reason, and you need to know why.

It would be very unprofessional if the head teacher to broach this in this way, especially if untrue. I would have thought he would have arranged a meeting with you to discuss any concerns first.

I wonder if you may find ex has had more to do with tagging this on himself than you think. To make himself look good in an embarrassing situation.

Pantone363 · 27/04/2015 07:39

OP a few years ago I would've been at a suggestion a HT could act like that.

Until our HT did the same thing to us! Different circumstances but we had had a run in over something unrelated and she pulled me aside afterwards and told me the DC were looking 'scruffy' and she was concerned something was happening at home. Strangely enough nothing was mentioned when I had picked the DC up. And like you DC were in clean uniform, hair and teeth done etc.

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