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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel threatened by the headmaster

50 replies

Celestria · 27/04/2015 06:41

I had an outstanding bill for breakfast club. Reason being, ex husband was supposed to pay for the club as part of our own arrangement for his contribution to support for the children.

Whilst the bill is outstanding, I have avoided sending the kids to breakfast club, I haven't needed to anyways as my old job finished.

I've been looking for work and money has been really tight but I finally got a job and started last Monday. Its a manager job, well paid and I am working hard.

The shops official opening day was last Friday. I needed to be the for eight thirty so I decided to send the children to breakfast club, rationalising that I could pay off any outstanding bill with my first wage.

Whilst I was working, the headmaster contacted my ex husband. He said the school wasnt running a credit facility. At the end of the call, he said the children were bedraggled and if things don't change he is considering contacting social services.

My children were not bedraggled. My first two dc had just had their curly hair cut into neat bobs and were wearing new school trousers and summer jackets.

My other two had brand new school shoes and were in fresh clothes with jackets.

Am I unreasonable to think that if he had concerns for my children he wouldn't be phoning about the debt and just throw in social services at the end? It feels like a threat basically to ensure his bill gets paid.

I am already involved with ss, however this is because my dd and I are in the middle of a sexual abuse case, working on supporting my dd and getting the perpetrator convicted.

Aibu to think the headmaster has no grounds for speaking to ss and is just using it as a threat to get the bill paid?

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 27/04/2015 07:41

Well, I don't know - if - hypothetically, the children live with mum and she is the main carer and doesn't appear to be doing an adequate job caring for the children it might make sense to contact the non resident parent.

Sorry op - I'm not saying that is the case!

Purplepoodle · 27/04/2015 07:43

Wrong for him to bring up ss in this context but I would talk directly to headmaster as things do get lost in translation.

Have you contacted the school to explain about the breakfast club debt or offered to make small repayments to pay off the debt before now?

Littlemonstersrule · 27/04/2015 07:49

Did you agree to further sessions unpaid? If not, then YABU and should have done rather than just send them in.

You say the children were looking untidy before the holidays so if your ex has parental responsibility then the head is not out of order mentioning it. He has the right to know of any low level concerns that may be flagged to SS.

BeaufortBelle · 27/04/2015 07:51

Everything Shwept had said.

You knew breakfast club hadn't been paid and yet you sent them. I understand it was because of your new job but why didn't you get in touch with the school first to explain and to ask if it was OK to send them and that you could pay retrospectively.

Of course the HT shouldn't have referred to being dedraggled or anything about ss to your ex. But you don't know if he did or the context and even if he did say it then it still doesn't make your initial wrong right.

I decided very quickly when my children start school that as a parent you never, ever give the school anything to complain about or to criticise and also that you never ever say anything negative yourself about the behaviour or personality of your own child. They are a funny lot in schools ime.

HagOtheNorth · 27/04/2015 07:59

'It was relayed from my ex. I am certain it was said however. My ex may be rubbish at supporting his kids financially but he's not a liar.'

He told you he'd pay for breakfast club and he didn't.
I think it very unlikely that the head would have said something that was so patemtly untrue (haircuts, new clothes) but an ex put on the spot for something that was his fault might well embroider what was said. Scruffy, clean and happy children don't send up warning flags.
Did you just send the children, or did you explain to the school beforehand why you hadn't paid and that you were planning to? Or were they supposed to just 'know'?
Your ex is the problem, and the non-payment. Go and talk to the school, so they understand that you are not freeloading.

AuntyMag10 · 27/04/2015 08:02

I too would clarify with HM that it was said. It seems odd that he would tack on a serious allegation as an afterthought rather than a call on its own.

MidniteScribbler · 27/04/2015 08:03

Why do you think you can continue to send them to the club when you haven't even made any arrangements to pay the arrears? Schools don't care about agreements between parents for who pays for what, they just expect it to be paid.

SuburbanRhonda · 27/04/2015 08:04

cats, if the school has the dad's number on their system because he has given it to them, it's perfectly ok to phone him or indeed anyone else listed as a contact. It may have been they tried to get the OP and couldn't, so went to the next contact on the list. That's what we would do.

And the school may have known the arrangement about the dad paying for breakfast club, which is why they phoned him as their contract would have been with him, not the OP.

HagOtheNorth · 27/04/2015 08:06

Primary schools are usually willing to be very flexible and supportive, but they have to know what the problem is and work with you to reach an agreement.

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 08:07

I hope you get it sorted. I know how easy it is for kids with thick curly hair to look a bit unkempt, had one myself. Until she got to an age where she was worried about how she looked and got GHDs she often looked like she had been dragged through a hedge, mind you school never commented as she was clean and well fed to who cares if she has crazy curls (she loves them now and knows how to control them which is a trick I never managed.)

Good luck with HT and the job sounds great. Congratulations on doing so well.

mugglingalong · 27/04/2015 08:16

Being generous it might also be an attempt to say that your ex needs to step up a bit more and put more money into his dc. Shoes, haircuts all cost money which ex has and you haven't. If the new stuff was new that day then the HT could have been basing it on previous reports and the breakfast club was last straw. I would try to get him onside as an ally.

Fairenuff · 27/04/2015 08:23

My ex may be rubbish at supporting his kids financially but he's not a liar.

Well, he said he would pay for breakfast club and he hasn't so that was a lie.

Altinkum · 27/04/2015 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vycount · 27/04/2015 09:04

Sounds as if you are registered for Pupil Premium funding (FSM). You could ask the HT if they can use that to help with the cost of Breakfast Club.

PurpleSwift · 27/04/2015 09:14

I don't think its the HT job to be chasing parents for payment in this manor. They are still your children and your responsibility. It is down to you to pay or be chasing EX to pay, not the HT. Perhaps he phoned ex instead out of concern.

paxtecum · 27/04/2015 09:19

Goodness, my DD never does any ironing so sometimes the DGC do look unkempt. I didn't realise this may warrant a call to ss.

The moral seems to be Keep up Appearances.

fascicle · 27/04/2015 09:29

If you are seeing the headteacher today, establish the facts and context before reacting (even small factual differences can significantly shift the emphasis of a story). As for 'bedraggled', if that was the term used - any child can start the day looking smart and soon look scruffy.

HagOtheNorth · 27/04/2015 09:30

Like I said, unkempt isn't a flag. Unironed, haircut overdue...
Dirty clothes that are way too small and obviously worn for weeks, smelly children with serial lack of teeth brushing and washing, exhausted for long periods of time rather than one off event, hungry and irritable. Those are problems that gets noticed.

shewept · 27/04/2015 09:31

purple the school is owed money by the exh, why shouldn't the school be chasing him?

jeee · 27/04/2015 09:33

The head sounds as though he was talking to the right person. If he knew that your ex was supposed to pay he might well have thought that he was doing you a favour by speaking him. How would you have felt if he was contacting you for money that your ex owed the school?

And as far as the rest of the conversation went.... you're relying on your ex's word. Go and speak to the head. I suspect he'll put a completely different slant on the conversation - and that's assuming that your ex isn't telling an out and out lie.

namechange2015 · 27/04/2015 14:57

I hope you get it sorted op yanbu

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 15:02

YANBU OP - it definitely is out of order for him to mention this in that way. However, I agree with pp that pragmatically it is in your and your children's best interests to have a conversation with the HT and work out what he thinks the problem is.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 27/04/2015 15:06

I would probably agree with the posters that suggest ex dp may be exaggerating or bending the truth here? Probably best to go in asking questions rather than on the defence, good luck!

SuburbanRhonda · 27/04/2015 16:12

vycount

As I mentioned upthread, pupil premium can be used for things where the school can show that using the money in that way leads to an increase in attainment. This is because schools are given the money in order to "narrow the gap".

It's not for paying off overdue bills.

HagOtheNorth · 30/04/2015 06:21

So, what happened OP?

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