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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find Year 7s describing themselves as "bisexual" hilarious?

55 replies

jaws5 · 26/04/2015 23:12

My DD is in Y7. There are many kids in her year who are boasting to be bisexual on social media and at school. They are popular kids, mainly a big group of quite powerful girls, and they accuse many other kids of being homophobic. My DD says that they do it to be cool, and she doesn't get involved. At first I laughed and told her that it's absolutely fine to be gay, straight or bisexual, but that it's usually not that easy to know at 11/12. They also talk about depression and self harm as if it's a competition! I'm just glad that my DD still prefers Minecraft!

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 27/04/2015 06:42

I work in a school and I am very, very concerned about the 'self harm' issue. It seems to be rife at the moment.

lagartaroja · 27/04/2015 06:42

And what Koalifications said.

fustybritches · 27/04/2015 06:52

When I was at secondary school many girls would feign bisexuality for male titillation.

flora717 · 27/04/2015 06:57

And? Many women wear what they want for them, but many do it for male titilation too/ instead. Does it matter that people learn what turns others on?

hashbrownnofilter · 27/04/2015 06:58

I don't see why it is not that easy to know at 11. My best friend knew at 7, his boyfriend knew at 9. To be honest I knew at 8 as well but as I was straight nobody would have deemed it an issue.
Really you have two separate discussions here. Self harm and social media is a massive issue and I think you should be talking about that on it's own with your daughter to help her understand the issues and know where she can turn.
Then you could probably just say that sexuality is everyone's personal choice and it is not for anybody to judge, regardless of where they choose to publicise that.
Nothing you wrote is 'hilarious' though apart from the implication that you can now be gay, hetro, bisexual or into minecraft.

SanityClause · 27/04/2015 07:03

It sounds to me, jaws5, that you are feeling a bit panicky about your DD growing up, so it's a relief to you that she is still into minecraft, and has not started to question her identity much, yet, as far as you are aware.

The more you dismiss these other children's issues, maybe it will give your DD the message that she cannot explore these issues, herself, safely, with your help. Just a thought?

BabyGanoush · 27/04/2015 07:26

12 is a funny age, they really suddenly grow up in many ways.

And are still childlike in other ways.

They experiment/pretend to be grown up. To do this they need a bit of space.

Don't find what you describe in OP hilarious, though. A bit sad and worrying the self harm thing, but not funny.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 27/04/2015 07:33

I can't imagine why anyone needs to discuss their sexuality on social media - much less a 12 year old. (I have a 12 year old!)

RattieofCatan · 27/04/2015 07:37

Ignoring the "hilarious" comment, we had similar at school and it carried on right the way thorugh. It was almost a competition as to who could be the most "emo", which is what being bi and self-harming was considered at the time. It meant that those of us who were bi, or who were self-harming really struggled to get the support that we needed.

It's good that they can explore it these days more easily without judgement, but it can be an issue for those who do need to talk about it.

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 08:34

It is the cutting that is serious, kids explore sexuality but as long as no one is exploited it isn't a real problem. Cutting is different and it does seem to be something that is more common than it used to be.

321jenny321 · 27/04/2015 08:43

I think its is really sad. My daugher is 18 and says you are not accepted on social media unless you can give yourself some kind of label. Being "straight" is just not edgy enough. Having a mental health problem is also seen as a must too.

She herself seems to spend all her time living her life through social media and I find it strange. She has also come out as bisexual on social media, but has never mentioned it to me and has only ever brought boys home. I have tried telling her that impressing strangers has no value and to try and make some real life friends. I don't care about her sexuality, but I suspect she, like others, are giving themselves a label to fit in.

I am hoping she grows out of the social media obsession as I think she is very young for her age and the internet has a lot to do with it.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 27/04/2015 08:56

jenny I'm sorry to hear about that.

It's the social media that's the problem, not sexuality (the former having been around for only a millisecond, obviously).

finnbarrcar · 27/04/2015 08:57

My 13 year old son' instagram is full of this sort of thing. His closest friend is a bisexual girl. Thankfully she doesn't have to hide her sexuality, she's very matter-of-fact about it, BUT a former friend of my dd "came out" aged 13. Now at 17 she's having to "in" herself as it was all attention seeking apparently. She also claimed to self harm. I'm a gimmer (50) but I remember people like this at high school. There were fewer certainly but I think social media has just exacerbated teen angst to the nth degree by giving it an audience and a platform. I don't think it's "hilarious" though, just rather sad.

goingwildforcrayons · 27/04/2015 09:25

What Jenny said.

Social media and pathetic celebs drives the need for a label. Its sad when its fake for attention as people with real mental health needs, or are confused/want to talk about their sexuality are lost amongst all the noise and the "fakeness" just trivialises these important issues.

Original poster

jaws5 · 27/04/2015 09:35

APOLOGY FROM OP: Sorry to have used the term "hilarious", wrong choice of adjective. The discussion about self-harm started as it's the same group of kids who mix the two issues on Instagram.

I am not sacred of my DD growing up, I just feel there is A LOT of pressure from peer group to come out as bisexual and talk about MH as a way of proving how grown up you are. Once again, girls having to become sexualized before they are ready in order to be accepted. There is huge emphasis on young girls to show they are sexual, and we can't deny this has been a problem exacerbated by social media. Several of these've publicly "come out" at 11. On the same posts as boasting that they "slept with their lesbian lover" at last night's sleepover they talk about "cutting". This I saw last night when I had a look on Instagram. Everybody applauds them and calls them "brave" and whoever doesn't is condemned as "homophobic".

OP posts:

SquiddlyDiddlyDoo · 27/04/2015 09:40

Doesn't anyone think back to their own school days when asked questions like this?

When I was around 11 - 12, I remember vividly that everyone was banging on about which girls had done what with which boys - the girls that had apparently let boys feel them up (or in some cases, apparently, worse) were considered worldly and the height of cool. Whether it was true or not I don't know, but there was certainly some pressure to tell everyone you'd done such things because it seemed very "adult" and cool.

It's the same principal here. One popular girl says she is bisexual and everyone thinks she is cool and grown up because bisexuality and homosexuality is a topic that adults discuss regularly and openly these days. So all the others follow suit.

They'll soon grow out of saying things for the sake of being cool but it's not harming anyone for them to choose bisexuality as their coolness factor, rather than telling everyone that they have shagged around!

Re self harm etc... this is a worrying one, but having said that, this has been doing the rounds in cycles for years and years. When I was around 14 - 15 everyone was into emo punk banks and it was considered the height of cool to wear your band t-shirt and tell everyone that you had been cutting yourself. I don't know why kids find it to intriguing! They dealt with it at my school by holding awareness assemblies about mental health, depression, self harm etc. and it soon went away. Maybe it's something to bring up with school rather than laughing about?

finnbarrcar · 27/04/2015 09:42

Like I said twas forever thus..instagram just waggles it in your face more

IsadoraQuagmire · 27/04/2015 15:52

I certainly knew I was into both girls and boys by the time I was five.

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 16:01

I find this OP deeply weird. Why wouldn't 11 year olds be bisexual - they're entering puberty, of course they're beginning to have sexual thoughts and working out their sexual identities. And a large part of that has always been talking about it with friends girls that age have always had long conversations about which pop stars they were in love with and that has always been partly about channelling these strange new feelings and partly about developing their sexual identity threough discussion in the peer group. Is it that you don't think that girls that age could have same sex desire? I can distinctly remember having a crush on another girls in my school at that age - I'm now straight so it was "just a phase", but that didn't mean that it didn't exist at the time. And self harm, self-destructive attention seeking behaviour and cries for help are comical? WTAF?

helenahandbag · 27/04/2015 16:06

I knew I was bisexual when I was 11 or 12. I told my mum when I was 13 or 14, she was totally unfazed. I brought a girl home at 16. I then brought a guy home at 17. I'm now engaged to a straight cis man but I can say 100% that I'm not "straight now", as some people seem to think.

I was depressed at 15/16 and self harmed for several years. I now suffer with anxiety and OCD. It's not something to be made light of, or for any disbelieving adult to doubt and pick apart.

Sallystyle · 27/04/2015 16:12

I have seen far too many teens talk on social media about cutting themselves.

I thought most people did that in private and didn't advertise the fact? are they advertising it because they are wanting help? It seems rife.

The angst I read on my teens FB from friends make me really sad. I am glad social media wasn't around when I was a kid.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/04/2015 16:19

My friends younger sister (age 13) was showing me pages on Tumblr of teens of both genders expressing depression and sexual preferences. I think a lot turn to social media because they can't talk about it at home. When I was in year 5 there was a girl who self harmed and said she was a lesbian and used to get tormented for it it was horrible. She had no support at home so I can see why many turn to social media. She's 23 now and in a happy relationship with a female. It's not just a phase for many

Notmysecret · 27/04/2015 18:32

This thread has really been upsetting me all day. I posted earlier with s different name- I hope this doesn't count as sock puppetting, but the rest of my post will make it clear why wanted to name change.

A girl at DD1's school killed herself last week. She was in year 9, and DD1 knew her through the gay/straight alliance group at school, so I'm guessing she may have been gay.

I know the OP has retracted the "hilarious", but if teens are attention seeking on social media, then just maybe it's because they need attention?

TedAndLola · 27/04/2015 19:15

No. I knew from a younger age that I wasn't straight, although in Year 7 I probably wouldn't have admitted it for fear of ridicule - NOBODY would admit to being bi in the school I went to!

I don't think it's hilarious that these girls are saying it. Whether it's true or not I'm glad they feel safe enough to. I certainly didn't.

QueenofallIsee · 27/04/2015 19:26

To be fair to the OP, I have encountered something a bit similar with my DDs peers - I see a trend toward these kids labeling themselves not due to confusion around sexuality but in a desperate attempt to be HEARD. Same with self harming, same with describing themselves as bi-polar oddly (I was bemused by a FB exchange where a 14yr old claimed that their boyfriend was not supportive of her being 'mildly bi polar at the moment' as he is 'manic' right now). Teenage angst seems to have progressed to these children actually wanting a label, wanting to be part of a marginalized group otherwise where are these (perfectly normal) teenage feelings of being odd, different, persecuted coming from? Easier to claim allegiance to something that they KNOW can result in that than admit that they feel it for no good reason I suppose. We are a bit obsessed with diagnosing stuff these days and that has seeped into our kids

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