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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding one...sorry

41 replies

pinkie1982 · 26/04/2015 20:23

A friend that I have been friends with since 1994 (school) is getting married in December. She moved away and I have seen her about once a month but yet to meet her new man. She has been with him about a year now. I'm meeting him next weekend.

At first she said both myself and partner were invited to the whole event and said about us booking a room in the hotel with them but now she has invited me to the ceremony/meal and evening and DP to the evening only due to numbers/costing.
We will have a 4 month old baby by then and no children are allowed.
The wedding isn't in my town. DP and I only have one car.
Do you think IABU or she will be offended if I say we will both just come to the evening reception? I think she will but that's easier for us, as we can get a sitter for the evening and go there and back together in the car. Although sad I will miss her ceremony. :(
I don't know how to word this to her.

OP posts:

Happy36 · 26/04/2015 20:26

That's fine. You're invited, not mandated to attend. Or you could ask / find out if any guests are going from your area that could give you a lift to the ceremony.

TeenAndTween · 26/04/2015 20:29

Or you go for the whole thing and leave DP to mind the baby?

Or you both go up, DP goes off somewhere with baby for the day, and you take turns with baby in hotel room for the evening?

Or you just do the important bit (ceremony) and don't stay for evening do?

RedButtonhole · 26/04/2015 20:34

Is it possible to get a sitter for the whole day? Could you do that, travel to destination together but DP does his own thing then joins you for the evening 'do?

Original poster

pinkie1982 · 26/04/2015 20:38

I won't really know anyone there apart from her mum and sister so don't want to go on my own to the day if I'm honest. I'd feel awkward too as DP was told he was originally invited. It's over an hours drive away so don't want to rely on asking people for a lift.

Easiest thing was for us both to attend the evening together but I know she won't be happy.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 26/04/2015 20:41

I would just go to the evening or not at all. Are you meant to just sit around all day waiting for your dude to join you or do you know everybody there?

gamerchick · 26/04/2015 20:42

Xposts then it sounds like you have a plan. Tough if she's not happy.

AntiHop · 26/04/2015 20:46

I would do the same in your position with a 4 month old. It might be nice to have the day away from your baby but not if you're not actually going to have any fun.

Charlotte3333 · 26/04/2015 20:46

I'd just go to the evening do and send her a little note explaining that you'd have loved to be there but baby-stuff will prevent you being away for so long.

Jackie0 · 26/04/2015 20:55

I don't really understand inviting one half of a married couple.
I wouldn't to to any part of it without my dh.

SometimesTables · 26/04/2015 20:56

Sounds like a good plan.

Original poster

pinkie1982 · 26/04/2015 21:16

We aren't married but been together for 8 years.

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 27/04/2015 15:28

Sorry pinkie, I thought you said dh.
I still think inviting one half of a couple, whether married or living together is a bit off though.
Going to the evening bit as a couple seems the best course of action.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/04/2015 16:04

The bride might be happy with your suggestion as that frees up a space for her at the meal and it sounds like she is struggling to fit everyone in.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 27/04/2015 16:08

i think that conversation has been done before - the "should the OH be invited"

I'm a grown up and go to places without my DH.....

It sounds like you have a good plan there, you can only suggest it to her, i dont think she can expect your OH to come along and wait in the hotel room while you go and watch the ceremony

Are you planning to BF?

Iwasbornin1993 · 27/04/2015 16:53

I'm getting married next year and unless they are part of a friendship group/know a lot of people who will also be there alone I would never invite a guest by themselves without their partner.

maliaki · 27/04/2015 19:01

I would suggest it, sounds like it works best for you OP.

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 19:17

I think it depends how good a friend she is really. Honestly, since you only live an hour away and would obviously not have childcare problems for the daytime (presuming it's a weekday) I would be offended if you were a good friend who didn't attend. I don't mean that I think it's wrong of you not to go to the day, just that if it were a good friend of mine I would be upset if they didn't make an effort.

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 19:17

sorry, I mean presuming it's not a weekday

fatlazymummy · 27/04/2015 20:10

I'd just go to the evening part, with my husband. It gets a bit complicated otherwise.

CrystalCove · 27/04/2015 20:42

I really wouldn't want to go without my DH, it wouldn't be as much fun, I'm another who wouldn't invite one half of a couple. We both work very hard and enjoy each other's company. I would just go together to the evening do.

LapsedTwentysomething · 27/04/2015 20:53

I would've struggled with a no baby invitation at four months due to ebf and DCs who don't just go to bed and get to sleep (the latter is still an issue). I'd have to consider not going at all. It's just so much easier if the three of you can go to the whole event.

Songlark · 27/04/2015 21:17

It seems to be the new thing, inviting one half of a couple. Some people might be fine with it but I really don't agree with it, causes no end of problems for lots of people. If I was invited without my DH I simply wouldn't go, nor would he if the other way round.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 27/04/2015 22:53

Here's the thing - people can invite/not invite who they want, and the people being invited have total free will to accept or not. I honestly don't understand why people get so pissy over it!!

OP - If just going to the evening works out best for you, then just drop her a line and say it's going to be a bit complicated with the baby, so you would only be able to come to the evening bit together with your dp.

If she gets pissy, then just say "I'm sorry, but with a 4 month old, and me and dp being invited to different bits, it's just too complicated for us to sort out otherwise".

If she sulks over that then just ignore it. Look, I honestly don't mean this badly, but if you were on her list of "super important people that must be there on the day no matter what" then both you and your dp would have been invited to the whole shebang (assuming that you have been together for a long time that is).

Summerisle1 · 27/04/2015 23:27

YANBU in you and your dp going to the evening do only. Too complicated all round otherwise given that you'll have a very little baby as well. I really think that anyone who extends convoluted and impractical invitations needs to accept that there may well be consequences so far as attendance is concerned!

Songlark · 27/04/2015 23:41

I think really it all boils down to a bit of common courtesy. Imo it's bad etiquette to not invite both, therefore it's certainly in order to say you can only attend the night do. The fact that it does get people pissy over one being left out only goes to show what bad form it is.

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