Wedding one...sorry

[pinkie1982]

A friend that I have been friends with since 1994 (school) is getting married in December. She moved away and I have seen her about once a month but yet to meet her new man. She has been with him about a year now. I'm meeting him next weekend.

At first she said both myself and partner were invited to the whole event and said about us booking a room in the hotel with them but now she has invited me to the ceremony/meal and evening and DP to the evening only due to numbers/costing.
We will have a 4 month old baby by then and no children are allowed.
The wedding isn't in my town. DP and I only have one car.
Do you think IABU or she will be offended if I say we will both just come to the evening reception? I think she will but that's easier for us, as we can get a sitter for the evening and go there and back together in the car. Although sad I will miss her ceremony. :(
I don't know how to word this to her.

is there a 'written down' etiquette guide? (like Debretts maybe)

where there is a definitive answer about inviting singles/couples?

here we go

according to Debretts

Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. Most importantly, make a policy decision on whether children and babies will be invited to the wedding. -

See more at: www.debretts.com/weddings/engagements-and-invitations/wedding-guest-list/compiling-wedding-guest-list#sthash.stpPX1Xb.dpuf

i'd still not invite the other half if i didnt have space or know them

sorry - now i am spamming....

from www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13047570

"The authority on etiquette, Debrett's, says traditionally, if you were not known by the bride's mother, you did not get an invitation. "

and

But if you are just horrified at the thought of going to a wedding alone, it's time to grow up, says Mangan.

"We're all old enough to go to a party and mix with people, if you can't it's rather pathetic."

Just tell her you're doing the evening bit so you can travel together and because you can get a baby sitter.

If you only know the bride's mother and sister you're going to be pretty lonely as they will be with their family.

Tough if the bride doesn't like it. I wouldn't have dreamed of making my wedding day inconvenient for guests just to please myself.

Not inviting your DP because she doesn't know him as well as you is a bit hypocritical when you will have met her DH only once prior to the day.

I don't care what other people say, I still think its rude to split up a long established couple because one of the couple doesn't know the other one. Weddings are losing sight of the spirit of the day. Too many rules, too many regulations. Too many bridezillas and groomzillas.

(grumble, grumble. I remember this when it was all fields and policeman are too young if you ask me)

Old fashioned word etiquette but really most of our day to day lives are all driven by it if we think about it. It's not just for the posh folk. To me etiquette is all to do with doing the right thing. Just common old fashioned fair play. To me it's wrong on all counts not to invite the partner, maybe I'm old fashioned but to only invite one half of an established couple is not right. As we've seen on many threads on here, it can often cause a dilemma. Imo that just proves it's not the right way to do things. Wedding invitations shouldn't have to cause problems.

I think it's fine not to invite the partner and also not to invite children - her call. I would be quite happy going along without either! The thing is however you might underestimate how much a four month old baby might need you if you're breast feeding - even if you can express. I only say that as whilst I have been/would be more than happy to leave my two, neither of them (one now almost three and one just four months) would be happy to be left by me.

Would I have understood this before I had children and was the bride? Probably not! I had a child free wedding. My bridesmaid (her decision not mine) was the only one with a young baby and she chose to leave the baby with her (bridesmaid's) mother all day and ended up having to hand express in the church loo.

I wouldn't go at all.

I just couldn't be bothered with the tackiness of it.

DP only being invited to the Eve isn't an issue in the way of I think we should both be invited to it all. It's the practicality of it all more than anything.
She has known him the whole time we have been together and have helped her move in the past, always have her over for dinner when she is in the area so she knows him well.

I will talk to her before I send the actual rsvp to re warn her. It's a small wedding from what I can gather, about 40 guests to the day so I can see why she has problems

Sounds like a good plan pinkie, if there's only 40 guests it sounds quite intimate so I can see why she'd invite partners to the evening too. Do what's the best for yourselves.

Is it your first baby?

I will tell you how I felt about my PFB 4 month old. Are you hoping to breastfeed? At that age, I think a whole day and night away from your baby could be too much. And just for the evening, I would feel uncomfortable leaving them with another babysitter other than DH. Personally, you may feel differently, but I wouldn't expect to if it was your first. Plan for the worst hope for the best and all that.

If it were me I would advise her that you expect a day away from your baby will be too much. You would of course leave it nearer the time to decide but you understand with a small intimate wedding she needs precise numbers so you will RSVP no to the day but you and your DP would love to be there in the evening and celebrate with her.

Then, when your baby is 3 mo you can decide if you can make it to the evening, to cancel "late" to that part is fine really, or just cancel whether your DP can come.

Having said all that, considering she has spent considerable time with your DP and you will have a tiny baby I think she has a fucking nerve and I would be so tempted not only to RSVP no but to go no contact

But if you are just horrified at the thought of going to a wedding alone, it's time to grow up, says Mangan. "We're all old enough to go to a party and mix with people, if you can't it's rather pathetic."

It's really not that people are too pathetic or needy or girly to go alone. This is not a feminist issue or an issue of women "needing" someone to go with.

The reason I think its rude is because its a sign that weddings have so very precious that they are losing sight of good manners in the scramble for showcase venues and big budgets.

Child free weddings are not a problem, but when splitting up couples to celebrate someone's coupledom becomes a trend then its a sad day indeed. " I don't know your husband/partner as well as I know you so don't bring him"

I can't help it. I just think it's rude.

I've been a bride and I didn't want any of my guests to have a miserable time so I invited partners I'd never met and DH invited guests I'd never met who had partners he had never met.

What's wrong with working out your guest list and THEN booking a venue?

Yes, a wedding is big deal for a bride and groom, but it's only one day and friendships can be for life if you nurture them. Guests have loooong memories of miserable weddings.

I think it's utterly reasonable to only invite one person in a couple to a wedding. At the end of the day, if someone is paying for a wedding, they do get carte blanche over the invites. A budget is not endless.

They shouldn't be expected to have to not invite good friend Gerald, simply because they have to make room for friend Bob's girlfriend, who they have never met.

EXCEPTION: members of the bridal party.

I also think that if there aren't children involved, and if the couple live very locally, then it's okay to invite a friend you've known for years to the whole thing, and their partner just to the reception. Especially when aforementioned friend will know plenty of others there.

All this "established relationship" business. That's part of the problem. It can cause a shit ton of arguments and headaches.

At what point do you say a couple are established? When they are married? When they live together? When they've been together for more than a year? 18 months? two years? six months?

For our wedding we basically did exactly that:

married - oh invited
Together and we're friends we know partner well/consider a friend - invited
Together but have only met the partner once or twice - partner only invited to evening (no kids involved)
Travelling a long way to the wedding - partner invited.

I'm sure for some it wouldn't be a problem going to a wedding on their own, but to me it'd be like going in a pub on my own, I'd want to have someone to sit with who I knew rather than the possibility of sitting with strangers. For me personally it would spoil my day, so I wouldn't even consider it.

We have invited partners even if we don't know them. This is because many work some weekends so weekends together are precious. However I do not think it is rude to not invite partbers. It is the B and Gs choice. But ....I think it very rude to say someone is invited and then effectively take that invitation away. I think it sounds like the best option to go to the evening with your DP.

Yes just go to the evening do.