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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Probably going to get flamed but I'm so annoyed!

34 replies

perfectlyincapable · 26/04/2015 18:33

So flame me.
My Exp and I split last year and he has our DD (19mths) some weekends, well mostly his mum but passes it off that it is him.
I am not overly happy with the arrangement but agree to it because at least he is supervised with her as he cannot look after himself let alone a child.

Not looking for an argument as to why I had a child with him because I'd be here all day.

Yesterday I phoned him to see how DD was and was told that earlier she had smacked her head open... not grazed or scratched but cut it open.

Now DD is back home and I am furious, I asked why he didn't phone me when it happened as I regularly do if she has an accident, he just replied that she had only just done it when I called otherwise he would have called when I questioned him as to the time he took offence and took off.

I KNOW he is lying I know her routine isn't much different from here which means at the time she apparently did it was when she would be having her dinner and why on the phone would he say "DD cut her head open earlier".

Anyway I digress, I know he is lying and I don't trust him to call me when there is an accident why should I let him have her, even a school would have phoned me.

Why the hell would he allow her to play outside by a Woodburner (off) anyway?

AIBU to tell him he can't have her if I can't trust him?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 26/04/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 26/04/2015 18:37

If she fell or hurt her self in your care, would you call him? For each bump knock graze or bruise?

TheFecklessFairy · 26/04/2015 18:37

You can't just stop contact - you do not have that right. It is a cut. Kids get cuts. She didn't have an accident - she got a cut. What would you have done if he HAD phoned you?

Writerwannabe83 · 26/04/2015 18:37

Why would he need to tell you? What would you have done? If it was just a minor accident that children have which needed no medical treatment then why would you need to immediately be told?

fuctifino · 26/04/2015 18:38

Did she need to go to a&e?
If yes, he should have informed you, otherwise, where do you draw the line?

shewept · 26/04/2015 18:39

Of course yabu, what will you do when she hurts herself with you? Because it will happen at some point. Are you going to stop contact?

You know you are grasping at straws to stop contact.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 26/04/2015 18:40

To mention as I missed it out of the OP (not drip feeding) she cut her head open.
It's not a graze or a scratch but it looks a very nasty cut.
If it was me I would have taken her to get checked out especially for concussion... which he hasn't done.

If it had happened in my care I would have phoned him for something like this.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 26/04/2015 18:41

Cut her head open? so she needed stitches then? if so YANBU

If she didn't then YABU

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/04/2015 18:42

Mountain out of a molehill I'm afraid.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 26/04/2015 18:42

Just also to add she isn't my PFB but my forth so not overreacting on the state of the cut.

OP posts:
madreloco · 26/04/2015 18:43

He's her parent too. If she has an accident with him he can deal with it, he doesn't have to call you. She's not in hospital or anything, you weren't needed. And you don't "let him have her", you don't own her and you don't get to control his parenting.

Sirzy · 26/04/2015 18:44

Has she shown any signs of concussion?

Children fall, they get cuts and bruises. I wouldn't be phoning anyone to report it unless they needed checking.

TidyDancer · 26/04/2015 18:45

Sorry, but this is a big overreaction as I am sure you are aware from your title. Agree x100 with shewept, your post is dripping with the attitude of wanting to stop contact.

GottaFeeling · 26/04/2015 18:46

My DS1 cut his head badly twice before he was 4yo, neither time was because I did anything irresponsible or because I'm not fit to have the care of my DCs.

Once DH was here so he knew, the other time he was at work. I didn't see any reason to tell him before he came home.

Sallystyle · 26/04/2015 18:46

Well with my ex husband we both dealt with things like that on our own.

If they were in hospital then we would send a text but otherwise I trusted him to get on with it.

And yes, you can't not stop him from having her. No court in this land is going to take away his rights because he didn't call you for a cut.

Eigg · 26/04/2015 18:49

It must be distressing to think that she might not be being looked after as well as if you were there so I do sympathise truly. However it might be worth a wee step back to take a look a look from another perspective.

My DH is a brilliant father, really fantastic. I trust him completely with the children.

I wouldn't have expected a call about any accident they had at that age (or now) unless medical treatment at doctors or A&E was required.

YANBU to expect an explanation of the cut but YABU to expect an immediate phone call. Toddlers get lots and lots of bumps and bruises, it's just not practical.

My DS fell off a wall yesterday, bounced on his head, shredded his trousers and cut his knee. His Dad wasn't with us, it hasn't occurred to either DS or me to mention it to DH.

Sallystyle · 26/04/2015 18:49

Sorry that sounded like I didn't trust him to deal with it if they were in hospital. He would have texted me for an a&e visit but more for a heads up, we might be hear for hours kind of thing.

balls2DWall · 26/04/2015 18:49

you say if it was you, you would have taken her to the docs. well, have you???

Eigg · 26/04/2015 18:50

X-posted with your lastOP. Have you taken her to A&E since she came home?

balls2DWall · 26/04/2015 18:50

why dont you get her checked for concussion which can appear up to ten days after? if its so serious and she "cut her head open" and it happened yesterday why havent you taken her to the doctor?

if you have I apologise.

ImNameyChangey · 26/04/2015 18:53

Oh all these people with their !"Why did he need to tell you? Bollocks are SO predictable here!!

Of course he should have told her! The DD is not even 2! Of COURSE a normal Mother would want to know!

OP yanbu!

Bowlersarm · 26/04/2015 18:53

I don't have experience of living separately from DH but I think YABU. She was in his care, and he was dealing with it. He wouldnt have thought to let you know until handover time. Quite rightly.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/04/2015 18:58

You made a point that his mum is always there and that you're happier with that arrangement than him being on his own. So if his mum was there, your DD didn't need to go to A&E and she wasn't concussed then I YABU to be so annoyed about this.

It's ok to feel upset that your DC was hurt when you weren't there but if you have 4 DCS then you'll know that is going to happen sometimes. Even if he had called you, you wouldn't be able to diagnose a cut over the telephone and tbh it's a waste of NHS resources to make him take her to the hospital simply because you don't trust his judgement especially when it seems his judgement in this case was actually ok because your DD wasn't concussed and didn't need stitches.

Cupoftchaiagain · 26/04/2015 19:00

I would want to know. And be able to be confident in him taking her to a&e if needed. Question is how do u get your relationship with him to that stage?

balls2DWall · 26/04/2015 19:02

just to add he should have told you. id be mad too. but you cant stop contact. it could have easily happened on your watch. again though .. have you taken her yourself to seek medical advice?

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