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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be going out three times a month without my kids?

78 replies

Confusedfuzz · 26/04/2015 17:07

I am dating a wonderful man, he's amazing. I came out of an abusive relationship Xmas time in 2013. I met my boyfriend in February last year. At first we kept it quiet. We went on days out while the kids were at school, picnics, walks ect.

In January this year we decided we rather love each other and thought it was time we started introducing the kids/my family.

We toke the kids cinema and for dinner, boyfriend came for dinner and since then we have done loads together. BUT we also love spending time together.

We toke the kids London last month.

This month we have been to watch the rugby. Next month we are going away for the night for his birthday.
And last month we went to a gig.

I ask my sister/niece and my other nephew to babysit, I pay them.

My suster is very vocal. She thinks he should realise I have two kids and we can't keep going out.
It hurts a lot, I am truly happy for the first time in years. My kids adore him!

Aibu for going out with him so much without my children? I thought this is what happens when your dating but sister is convinced it isn't.

I feel like an awful parent.

OP posts:
Metalgoddess · 26/04/2015 19:33

Yanbu, 3 nights a month is perfectly acceptable!

letscookbreakfast · 26/04/2015 20:08

SaucyJack you know what they say about people who assume.

Hissy · 26/04/2015 20:13

My mother was married over 23 years....

The anonymous phone call to our home came when she was at evening classes, my 13 yo sister took the first call, my grandmother and I took the others.

It's best if no one presumes to know anything with certainty, but spending quality time together - assuming you don't bed share every night is still possible without going out without the children.

Relationships need to be nurtured, in whatever form that works.

Donthate · 26/04/2015 20:14

Get a new babysitter.

80schild · 26/04/2015 20:29

Once a week is not that much and it is entirely reasonable and normal to have a social life away from your kids. It is good for your kids to know that their parent's world does not revolve around them and to see you achieving happiness and success in your life.

This pressure cooker mentality that you can't leave your kids alone is weird and must put kids under so much pressure to live up to "mummy's expectations" .

BuggersMuddle · 26/04/2015 20:41

Amazed at the cost thing. I had poor and well off parents growing up. My lifestyle didn't change remarkably (from a kids perspective) although in practice I had more spending money but was clear what I could spend it on. They bought me a computer when they were poor and encouraged me to programme. They bought my DM a rather expensive ring when they were wealthy. I can't say I noticed. They did their best by me and still do - I cannot imagine questioning 'OMG you spent money on a meal'

mikado1 · 26/04/2015 20:56

What happened your mother hissy??

OP lucky you, yadnbu. We have committed to once a month as it is so important and tthat's a realistic aim, financially, for us.

paintedfences · 26/04/2015 21:25

Oooh she's jealous. Or has banked rage somewhere deep within from being a martyr and is pointing the rage at you because you're not. Your 3 days sound lovely, enjoy.

Carlywurly · 26/04/2015 21:40

3 times a month is nothing. I've been a lp for some time and have always averaged more than that. It helps balance the all consuming other 27/28 days! It also gave dp and I the chance to get our relationship off the ground.

We had 2 weeks abroad at the beginning of the year child free, God knows what they'd make of that Wink

Enjoy your happiness and if they don't support you, find other babysitters without any kind of vested interest.

WhitePhantom · 26/04/2015 21:59

Sounds perfect to me!

Hissy, I don't understand your post - what were the anonymous phone calls about?

Cabrinha · 26/04/2015 22:10

3 nights a month is fuck all!
Doesn't sound like your kids go to their father.
Would people be tutting if they spent 3 nights a week away from you with him? No.

I spend 8 nights a month away because of my job.
And then another 2 so she never goes a full week without seeing her father.

On top of that 10, sometimes I add another when there's something in particular I want to do on a specific date, with a MAN.

Shoot me.

ohtheholidays · 26/04/2015 22:18

Not to much at all.Your sisters comment sounds like sour grapes take no notice.

Good for you OP,you sound like your all having a lovely time together as a family and yourselves as a couple.That's healthy.

avocadogreen · 26/04/2015 22:28

Entirely reasonable! And those with a DP/DH at home are totally missing the point about going out. Yes, you may stay in but you are with your DP, you have company. Being a single parent and staying in on your own every night can be very, very lonely.

I'm a single parent. I go out without my DC at least twice a month, as my ex has them every other weekend. But I occasionally get babysitters too, or send them on a play date for a few hours so I can have a bit of time, or even sometimes, shock horror, meet a man.

meglet · 26/04/2015 22:33

3 times a month isn't too much if you're in a new relationship. although I'm a LP so don't manage it 3 times a year, no babysitters, energy or funds.

I expect your sister is fed up with babysitting.

RachyMumUk · 26/04/2015 22:34

I don't think 3 times a month is bad at all, especially if it's someone new!

You need time to get to know each other, think I would be looking for more than what is effectively less than once a week!!

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 26/04/2015 22:41

Your post and the replies made me go Shock, as I think DH and I last went out together sometime in November.... I honestly thought that was normal for parents with young kids and that things would improve later. For me 3 times a month would be loads but then I'm starting from a very low baseline.....

I think your situation sounds fine if all parties are happy. Ignore your sister!

mrsmeerkat · 26/04/2015 23:00

I think it's briiliant you are happy!

I have two young children here with vomiting bug. Dh sent me out for a few hours to have a break. I had lunch out and nails done. Everyone needs a break. No need for martyrdom if guilt.

I wouldn't tell your sister too much, less she knows the less she can comment on your life.

WeShouldOpenABar · 26/04/2015 23:04

I can't believe anyone would judge you for this. my parents had once a week date night when we were young we loved our babysitter.
when I was a teen I was a regular babysitter , weekly, for two under two. you have to allow yourself to be a person In your own right , becoming a mother doesn't stop that!!

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 10:48

YANBU at all, why should anyone care if you go out?!

Dontunderstand01 · 27/04/2015 11:40

OP the only thing that matters is whether you, your kids, and your DP are happy.

What is right for one couple is right for another. Me and my DH have had two nights out in 10 months! No family support for babysitting, also a bit skint so can't afford sitters. That doesn't make you wrong, it just makes me a bit jealous!... also, me and DH are going to the cinema together on friday, whoooooohoooooooooo!

duplodon · 27/04/2015 12:00

3 nights a week IS fuck all! You're a lp! You've been in an abusive relationship! Your self care is vital for the recovery and wellbeing of all the whole family group! Honestly, why on God's earth is three nights a lot/too much or in 'each to their own' territory? Mummy martyrdom indeed. What would OP be doing only putting the kids to bed on these evenings, they see each other loads.

Good for you OP.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 27/04/2015 13:59

I'm on the 'sister' side of this type of situation. Dsis divorced a couple of years ago but has 3dc. She has recently met someone and they're spending a lot of time together - every other weekend when the eldest two are at their dad's the youngest is shipped off to my parents so they can have some time together. On the other weekends, he sees his dc and often they spend time together on those weekends as one big happy family. Sometimes my parents have their grandDC again. It's been like this since they divorced because my sister didn't get much support from her ex so my parents filled in the gaps, took the grandDC so my sister got some downtime and so on.

It is honestly green eyed monster surfacing - I know because I have that green eyed monster. I would love for someone to babysit our dc without me feeling like we are inconveniencing them so dh could go out 'on a date'. Whereas my sister is deemed to need that time as she is a full time working single parent.

Perhaps offer to have your nieces and nephews every now and then so your sister and her dh can have a night out. For me, that would go a long way to feeling like things were a bit fairer than being paid to babysit.

maninawomansworld · 27/04/2015 16:09

I think 3 times a month is pretty low actually.

DW and I ditch the kids at least once a week and do something, even if it's just a nice peaceful walk with the dogs followed by a quick one in the local pub without having to drag 2 kids along who never seem to shut up.

CapnMurica · 27/04/2015 16:12

YANBU at all. I would fucking love that and I wokr full time out of the home! Not that I don't like my kids but I also quite like my husband and would like to spend some time with him alone. Sadly money is the reason we don't!

Lweji · 27/04/2015 16:14

Find another (cheaper) babysitter.

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