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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be going out three times a month without my kids?

78 replies

Confusedfuzz · 26/04/2015 17:07

I am dating a wonderful man, he's amazing. I came out of an abusive relationship Xmas time in 2013. I met my boyfriend in February last year. At first we kept it quiet. We went on days out while the kids were at school, picnics, walks ect.

In January this year we decided we rather love each other and thought it was time we started introducing the kids/my family.

We toke the kids cinema and for dinner, boyfriend came for dinner and since then we have done loads together. BUT we also love spending time together.

We toke the kids London last month.

This month we have been to watch the rugby. Next month we are going away for the night for his birthday.
And last month we went to a gig.

I ask my sister/niece and my other nephew to babysit, I pay them.

My suster is very vocal. She thinks he should realise I have two kids and we can't keep going out.
It hurts a lot, I am truly happy for the first time in years. My kids adore him!

Aibu for going out with him so much without my children? I thought this is what happens when your dating but sister is convinced it isn't.

I feel like an awful parent.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/04/2015 18:03

Does your sister think that you are putting him first?

Perhaps it's longish days/overnights that she thinks you shouldn't be doing, just a couple of hours in the evening?

Do you think that she has a point?

I mean there really isn't a right or wrong amount of times to go out without the kids, is there?

FireCanal · 26/04/2015 18:03

Where is the money coming from to pay for babysitters and nights away? If you're on a budget and you're spending family money on wining and dining your new bloke, then yes YABU.

What a seriously weird comment. People with DC are only allowed to spend their money on the DC?

DinosaursRoar · 26/04/2015 18:11

why yes FireCanal - see comments about Mummy Martyrs - once you have become a mother you have forfitted the choice to have a social life, spend any money on yourself beyound the bare minimum to keep yourself alive and clothed, or have fun - at all, ever.

You must put your DCs first all at times. they are all that matter, you should not ever dream of wanting anything like a sex life.

Then they will turn 18, leave home and you will be satisfied with your empty life, free from lovers or friends that you did the right thing. They will of course understand that they are your whole world, so should spend all their free time calling home, coming back every sunday for lunch, and while you'll tolerate them having a partner, that partner must understand you are their primary relationship, and must have priority over their free time. Hopefully theywill produce grandchildren, and you can then devote yourself to them, because of course your DCs' partner is going to be inferior to you as the other parent - as will your DC, really, unless you are prepared to devote your every waking moment to your child, you really should put them up for adoption at birth so a "proper mummy" can raise them... Grin

superram · 26/04/2015 18:12

I go out at least 3 times a month, just happens my husband has them. He probably goes out more. My friends mum has her dd every sat (if only). I love my kids but don't need to spend 24/7 with them to prove it.

letscookbreakfast · 26/04/2015 18:15

There's some very weird people commenting on this thread.

OP you are fine, ignore what your sister says.

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2015 18:15

It's not weird at all.

Most married couples I know go out without their kids maybe even more than that.

I would stop asking your sister to babysit though.

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2015 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/04/2015 18:22

3 nights a month is completely and utterly fine.

Ignore your sister.

letscookbreakfast · 26/04/2015 18:22

Oh Derek if only MN had a 'like' button...

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 18:24

three nights a month??? you lucky caaahh

enjoy - your sister is jealous

drbonnieblossman · 26/04/2015 18:24

OP enjoy your lovely relationship. 3 times a month is not excessive by any means. How else are you supposed to build up your relationship and get to know eachother? The world doesn't revolve around children and we all deserve to be an individual and not just someone's parent. Having an adult life and parenting aren't mutually exclusive.

shewept · 26/04/2015 18:27

Well me and dh go out about twice a year without our kids. Doesn't make me a martyr. And I don't judge people who do go out alot.

We just don't like going out on a evening. Cinema etc is always when the kids are at school etc. Can't stand weekend nights out.

I am pretty sure you can not enjoying going out that much without being a martyr.

Seems quite odd that people are calling parents who don't like going martyrs and calling them judgy . Pot, kettle springs to mind

Poolbirthx2 · 26/04/2015 18:28

Yanbu to go out three times a month but yabu to ask your sister to babysit if she doesnt want to

Cantdecideondinner · 26/04/2015 18:30

Perfectly reasonable we go put without the children at least once a week

wishingchair · 26/04/2015 18:34

Good grief. 3 times a month is a lot???

In my opinion, 3 times a month (a MONTH!!) is probably not enough - especially for someone who is a single parent, has come out of an abusive relationship and is now in love!! She's the only one with her kids 24/7. She is allowed time for herself too!

YANBU OP Smile

BravingSpring · 26/04/2015 18:35

You can't compare how often you go out with your DH to how often a single parent in a new relationship goes out, it's completely different.

Those of us who find ourselves single parents, usually not through choice or planning, are entitled to relationships.

New relationships need to be established before dc get involved.

wishingchair · 26/04/2015 18:36

And shewept - your message was about how you don't go out as you don't like it, but you weren't judging her for wanting to go out. Fair enough. Others were more suggesting she was wrong to want to go out 3 times a month. Two different things.

PsychopathOnTheCyclepath · 26/04/2015 18:45

Three times a month is fine OP.

Genuine question - is your sister truly happy being single? Some people do thrive on single life and having time to devote to DC, however if this isn't your sister then it could be that she is slightly jealous of your lovely new relationship, and is using parenting guilt to make you feel bad about your relationship.

FWIW DH and I used to make it out one to two nights a week. It was bloody wonderful!! Having alone time does wonders for a relationship.

SometimesTables · 26/04/2015 18:59

Yanbu. As long as your DC are ok with it and as long as you can afford it.

I used to go out once a week without my DH and once a week with him right from when the DC were babies - I loved it and I think it was great for our marriage. I had lovely babysitters and the kids didn't seem to mind. There were plenty of hours left in the week to be with the kids. At one stage I had four kids under 6 and I can remember the wonderful feeling of leaving the house without them.

I wouldn't go out if the kids were sick but otherwise I would.

Hissy · 26/04/2015 19:01

Couples who DONT spend quality adult/couple time together are likely to run into WAY more problems than those who DO find the time to nurture their relationship.

There are reasons we end up in abusive relationships, and the 'family' is often the model that starts the grooming process.

Basically, your sister is NOT supportive of your happiness. Sometimes it's our mothers, sometimes both. People like your sis are invested in our misery, the minute our lives start to get better, it makes their lives look less rosy.

Get a new babysitter, you're paying over the odds anyway. That "sitters" company often mentioned on here charges less than this, and comes without the judgmental bollocks! Win win!

SaucyJack · 26/04/2015 19:10

It wasn't a weird

SaucyJack · 26/04/2015 19:18

It wasn't a weird comment to make FireCanal

The OP says she pays £10 an hour babysitting, so even if you go somewhere local that's still 40/50 quid before you're even out the door. Then there's cost of meals, drinks, tickets, accomodation, yadda yadda.

Congratulations if you're in the income bracket (and apologies if you are OP) where you can piss £100 a week up the wall on nights out without it affecting money for household bills or for family/DCs activities, but most people I know don't have that kind of money to spare and I would judge someone who was making the kids go without.

shewept · 26/04/2015 19:24

wishing I was referring to the post by derek. Moaning about parents on mn that don't do anything without their children.

And hissy me and dh don't go out. And you are right we should take time or our marriage might fail. Even though we have our 15th anniversary coming up and are best friends and nowhere near splitting up or even slightly unhappy. If you want go out. Do it. But don't presume to know about couples that don't. Spending quality time together doesn't have to exclude the children.

AwfulBeryl · 26/04/2015 19:25

I think it was a weird comment too, it's none of your business where op's money comes from, and what an odd assumption, why on earth would a parent make their children go with out so they can go on a date. There was nothing in the op that gave that impression to me at all.

I always find this side of MN really strange, some one asks a simple question and people feel the need to root around for any possible way that someone could be unreasonable.

comedancing · 26/04/2015 19:30

When our children were young we went out once a week and paid a babysitter. All our friends did the same. It's perfectly fine. Children need to see their mom is a real person with her own life. You sound like you have a lovely set up.. Enjoy it