To not want people to stay in my house?

[shutthatcatup]

My husband is foreign and though it doesn't happen constantly, a couple of times a year, his friends and family invite themselves to our house to stay.

Though they are mostly OK people, I really do not like people staying in my house. We have a two bedroom place in London, and though people see the other bedroom as the 'spare room' it really is not spare at all as I have pets that I keep in that room - if I don't, they keep me awake with their activity.

I am on the Autism spectrum, so I am not very sociable anyway, though I make efforts by making the room clean and nice and cooking food. I am not that talkative and have a hearing aid so stuff gets hard to follow. It's really hard to have people in my space and sharing a bathroom with people I don't know well, and Some of them go in the loo for ages at a time and leave it filthy which grosses me out.

On one hand I don't want my husband deprived of company but on the other side,it is so much stress for me. They will not use a hotel as he says they cannot afford it, but they also give us only perhaps one month notice of arrival. I am working for a small sized company and need to give maybe three months notice for anything such as a week or two holiday. So I end up having work when they are here. Then I have no sleep either because my husband snores all night and the pets end up in my room where they make lots of noise as well! I can't get ready for work as usual because there is one bathroom and everyone piles in. Then I come home and there is all the extra house work for me to do and I am expected to socialise.

I am so unhappy. Another lot just left today and I am fed up, so tired and drained. I asked my husband to tell people to give me more notice, but he says that is not reasonable and I am being unfair. He also expects me to have kids and I really can't imagine surviving looking after the house, work, pets, kids, visitors etc on no sleep.

What to do? :(

Hi OP!

You are not being unreasonable! House guests arent for everyone, especially those who dont respect your environment!

Also having ASD and loads of strangers cluttering up your home isnt a good mixture.

Is your husband aware how unhappy you are?

It strikes me that there are other deeper issues you need.to address wirh your husband?

His family dont have to stay in expensive hotels - have you come across airbnb?

www.airbnb.co.uk

PS are there also cultural issues at play here? Is it expected that people have long visits with relatives? Also, for you to provide a well thought out entertainment programme for them and tours around London /or UK ??

Also it strikes me that your guests even when they arent destroying your bathroom, they are not being sensitive to your needs! You are working ffs!

I can empathise too! We have many overseas relatives.. It wasnt until they had been here a week, til my partner realised how stressful it is; even though id calmly told him of my feelings previously! Its not 'fun' for me, too many people in a small flat, being expected to cook and clean and generally 'entertain' , people who to me, were virtually strangers! I love people, but they have to be people of my own choice, (!), but do not enjoy the hassle of cooking /cleaning and some how feeling responsible for their ' free' holiday!

I assume from what you say, that youre expected to act as 'host', rather than give them a.key and show them where the cerials are?

I don't know what country your husband is from but in certain cultures there's an assumption that you will be a default host with all usual obligations attached to it, whether you like it or not. I had this for many years whilst living in London. People used my flat/house as a base to visit London and I would have to provide breakfast and sometimes dinner for when they had ended their sightseeing. When I moved to Kent all visits stopped .

It's such a shame your DH seems to not understand your anxieties about this situation. I'd be exactly the same especially in the confined space of a 2 bedroom property.

The fact the guests don't even respect the place, leaving the loo in a mess etc would be the final straw for me.

I'm sorry to say but I think you may need to strongly insist to your DH that it is intolerable and people will have to make their own accommodation arrangements because it is affecting your health and wellbeing. Do you have any additional moral support to back you up? Makes me feel very upset on your behalf x

I think yabu - slightly.

Why not just leave the pets in the guest room or put them in your lounge.

Your husband should be more considerate of your anxieties though.

As for the ramble about children at the end. This is the part you should be focused on. You clearly need to have a chat about both your expectations for your relationship. If you have no intention of wanting children or being able to commit emotionally to the relationship, it is only fair you discuss this now.

Well I wonder what you are actually getting out of your relationship. Your DH seems to have a lot of expectations of you, much as if you were a kitchen appliance.

Does he help at all when his guests are there? Considering you are working, you should not have to clear up after anyone when you get home and there should be a nice meal waiting for you.

"What to do?" Absolutely do not get pregnant.

This sounds really hard for you. Some people would be fine and relaxed about having guests and for good reasons you aren't. You need to try and get your husband to understand how you feel snd make compromises such as he does the additional housework and cooking or he arranges for his friends to stay elsewhere for a night in the middle to give you dome breathing space.
The kids thing is a whole separate issue for the two of you to discuss!

YANBU
You have not painted a very good picture of your husband, is he really that selfish and inconsiderate? Just imagine what it will be like if you do have children? You do have cause for concern. Your marriage does not sound equal and loving. Where is your husband from?

You've told your Dh its hard for you and he hasn't budged or understood you. This could be cultural - my Dh is foreign and family get togethers are very important and when I have a problem its like I'm just a trouble maker trying to pull the family apart!
Families are all very different. People are used to different ways. When people come together through marriage it's very common for problems like this to arise. This is where compromise comes in otherwise the other partner can feel under valued and cause upset.
Even though it's your flat, you could say that you'll be staying away that week as you just can't cope with hosting and working. It's the only thing I can think of, unless you pay for them to stay somewhere nearby.
They might have cultural differences but they have to respect yours too.

Op, yanbu! I could have written that post myself! I find it extremely difficult to have house guests. I don't know why as I am a very sociable person in general but I really don't enjoy people invading my space in our tiny house!

I can understand your dh's desire to see his family but he could maybe limit their visits to a level that is bearable for you.

It's also your DH's home so when you married a man with family in a different country him having family and friends over to stay should not be totally unexpected. However the guests should respect it's your home and not leaving bathrooms in a mess. You need to set ground rules about acceptable standards for these visits and get him more involved in the hosting and cleaning up but the issue of children is the bigger elephant in the room

YANBU there are plenty of cheap places in London where visitors could stay! I say this as someone who's DP's family frequently use our house as a base for London visits from the North East. It drives me mad!

You should speak to your DH and explain the damage its doing to your wellbeing - especially the clear indication he gives that your feelings are not actually as important as his families. It is your home where you are supposed to feel comfortable and be able to de-stress. Not where you have to clean up after a load of practical strangers while they enjoy a free trip.

Oh my goodness baking addict that was pretty much exactly what I was going to type. Completely agree.

That's tough, I really feel for you OP. I also don't like overnight guests invading my space (unless they are my close friends) but DH loves having guests and invites all his friends and family to visit whenever they like. This isn't a problem now because we have a house with 2 bathrooms (1 ensuite) and more space, but I had to put a stop to it when we lived in a 2-bed flat. Even now I prefer guests not to stay longer than a week. I've made our guestroom fairly self-contained, with a TV etc, and I strongly discourage them from entering our bedroom or my office. I have private areas of house I can escape to and recharge which is important. I expect guests to keep bathroom and communal areas tidy, most do, and I leave out cleaning products (dettol wipes, loo cleaner etc) to encourage them.
I think you need to talk to your DH. Explain how you feel. Tell him when you move to a bigger place you'll be ok with guests but until then you can't accommodate them.

Can you ship your pets out to a friend/work mates?

I think you need to set ground rules and not rely on your husband to set them.

Or tell the relatives that there will be pets in their room over night so they need to bring ear plugs as you can't sleep, then concentrate to work.

Explain you will need to use the bathroom between x and x time before you go to work each day.

Suggest taking turns cooking so gat everything doesn't fall on your shoulders

They need to give more notice if that means you could get more time off work so the visits aren't as stressful for you. Being expected to be a hostess for your in laws is hard anyway, let alone when you are tired after work.

Air Bnb is a good suggestion, but if they are going to insist on staying with you, they need to be more considerate of your autism by fitting in with things that make life easier for you like making it easier to maintain your routines and not introducing too much uncertainty.

I totally sympathise as I really hate having people in my space but we live abroad and my MIL wants to come and stay often, particularly now we have DD. it wouldn't be fair of me to not let her come so I have to find a compromise. I always insist DH handles her though as he is less likely to give into emotional blackmail than I am as he is used to her ways. I realise I am going to be accused of MIL bashing here, but if I didn't draw the line somewhere, she would be here for months at a time and as we live in a one bed flat and I would end up murdering her!

I think the key is your husband needs to handle this for you. I think unfortunately they need to stay with you but he needs to find ways to make it easier for you whether it's by having a word about the bathroom or, shortening visits or telling them to give more notice. There is no excuse for leaving a bathroom in a state, I wouldn't do that in a hotel if I could avoid it, it's basic consideration for the person who has to clear up!

Poor you! I too hate people staying (unless it's someone really close, like my sister, or a very good friend). But with your other problems too, I would forbid his friends/relations. No way!!
Is there a Premier Inn or something close by? Their room are very reasonable, especially when they have special offers on (you could pay or split the cost?) Or they can come during the holidays, when you can all go the the country and rent a big cottage or something?
Make a list of all the things that upset you about people staying (lack of sleep is horrendous in itself) and talk it through with him. If he doesn't accept that, then simply ban them. Hopefully it is your property too?!!

I feel for you OP! My Dad is Latino and it is the cultural norm there for family to come for long visits with little notice. It used to drive my mum bananas.

I can't get past the bit about being "expected" to have children, either. That is quite chilling, worse than your H disregarding you about the guests.

Don't you get any say in your life at all? If you're working, you surely must be earning something, at least.

Don't give up your job, and while you're at it, don't take holidays while the guests are here, either, because then you will have them 24/7!

Perhaps you should report your thread and ask MNHQ to move it to "Relationships" since this is definitely a relationship issue!

Agree with bakingaddict

Also, do you want to be on holiday when these folks visit as you also want to see them, or because that there's so much to do you need to be off?

You should be able to work & your husband entertain his guests, especially if he does have time off when they visit.

He sounds lazy & the guests sound rude!

He also expects me to have kids

That is a joint decision. I trust you are using contraception until you are ready for children. And where will they sleep when visitors want the second bedroom?

"You can't stay in our spare room because the pets live there" does sound wholly unreasonable, if it's put that way around.

""You can't stay in our spare room unless you give plenty of notice and abide by certain house rules when you are here" is prefectly fine.

I also think this should be moved to Relationships. It's a far wider and deeper issue than just the visitors

shutthatcatup Does your DH come from a culture where women are subservient to their husbands? It sounds like he has taken control of your life, perhaps taking advantage of your AS. If that is true, it is quite unacceptable and you should be looking for support from outside to help you and protect your interests.

I agree with Trills.

I think what a lot of people are overlooking is that when you come from overseas it can be very, very hard missing your family and seldom seeing them. The expense of accommodation and travel often mean that without the family staying with their relatives they simply wouldn't see them at all (which is especially the case in London). And if this is the case here then I would have sympathy with your husband if it was a case of never seeing his family because you wouldn't have them visit. And it is just a couple of times a year which isn't that often in reality and I think fairly reasonable.

I think you need to establish more boundaries about what they do while they are there and how they treat your house.

The other alternative is that you stay somewhere else while they are there. Do you have family nearby? Could you visit your parents? Ask that your husband has the flat sorted by the time you return? Go for a break with a friend and leave him to deal with the dogs?

The children is a different issue and other posters have already given you some good advice.

You could leave the pets in the spare room when the relatives stay. That might cut quite a few visits short.