People saying negative things about my DD being tall... AIBU to feel so upset?

[climbingquickly]

My beautiful DD is 15 and 5ft11. She's naturally shy and very self-conscious about her height. I try to boost her confidence but have so far failed. She towers over all her friends and boys her age aren't interested as they haven't caught up yet.

She's got a lovely figure but she stoops and hunches shoulders. She gets teased at school and says the boys call her 'lanky giant'.

Thing that's so upsetting is other adult's comments! Relatives who haven't seen her in a while always remark on her height straight away, things like 'haven't you grown tall!' 'You must be 6ft!' 'what's it like up there in the clouds?' 'you don't want to grow any more'. Everyone asks her 'how tall are you now?' and i want to snap back 'what weight are you? Put on a few more pounds have you?' They are so rude and thoughtless!
DD blushes and shrinks into herself but they still don't get it. Recently an acquaintance of mine stopped to chat in street when DD was with me, I introduced her, woman said to DD 'gosh aren't you tall, is your dad tall?' DD replied her dad is 6ft2, woman said 'Oh so it's his fault then!' FAULT?!
With the exception of one or two people, no-one has anything nice to say about DD's height yet its the first thing they comment on. My other DD is 5ft 5 and gets asked about school, hobbies, or complimented on her hair.
Why do people see tall women as somehow disadvantaged?! I'd love to be tall and willowy like DD (I'm 5ft5). How do I help her accept her height and make the most of it?

Older people seem worse than other age-groups, like they think its appropriate to make negative remarks about a teenage girl's height! Last week my MIL said to DD 'don't worry there'll be plenty of tall men at university' as though DD has no chance of romance until then!

As a fellow tall person I have to say that it only gets better when the next generation overtakes you. I was 5ft 9 at 13 and stayed that way. All my friends were 5ft 6ish. On school photos it was always me and 2 other tall girls who had to stand in the middle at the back with the boys.

I find that 5ft 9 isn't so freakish now that I'm 44 as each generation gets a little bit taller.

I still gate being taller than my peers but I can't change it, so I've learned to live with it.

Also, 5ft 11 isn't overly tall and when your dd gets out into the big wide world she WILL find many other people of similar height. And her friends may yet catch her up, or even overyake her.

Finally, if she's into music, height is a definite advantage at gigs .

No, you are absolutely not BU to be upset. But (speaking as someone who was 5'8" at 13, and stopped measuring but is now 5'11"), the things I think you can do to help her are: to praise her for her posture when it's good, to tell other adults (away from your daughter, preferably) to stop commenting on her height - my mother took another mother with a tall daughter aside and told her to stop making us go back-to-back EVERY FUCKING TIME WE MET to see who was taller - and just, even though if you see her suffering, to behave as though the tallness was an unmitigatedly good thing. Envy her, vocally, even if you don't really envy her.

Alternatively, I very much like the "What weight are you?" tactic. You could just add to it with "How ancient are you?" and "Aren't those new wrinkles since I last saw you?"

Please, please, tell your daughter that actually, once she gets to about 18, being tall is a MASSIVE advantage in many ways. And certainly, in her adult life, it will help her to be taken seriously.

Your poor DD. I'm the same height and people are very pass-remarkable about it. My mother always interjected "yes, like a model" when people commented on it n her hearing. She also always encouraged me to walk tall and proud, but it's difficult when you're a self-conscious teenager.

There's a book by Lisa Jewell called 'One Hit Wonder' and one of the sub-plots is a girl (Ana) coming to terms with her height.

One of my daughters is exceptionally tall for her age, head and shoulders above classmates. She's only five but it's already the first thing people comment on. Not in a negative way but strangers assume she's 7 or 8, and classmates parents never shut up about her height.

Family - I'd have a quiet word and tell them bluntly to stop making her self conscious by remarking on it.

Strangers - completely blank the comment then change the subject in a very pointed way. So "aren't you tall" or variation thereof is met with stony pause followed by "it's colder today, isn't it?"

Being tall isn't necessarily seen negatively - plenty of people wish to be taller. Wonder if you could get her involved in something (a sport?) where height is an advantage? Or try to surround her with more positive messages about height?

Tricky one. At 6" taller than you it is clearly going to get noticed. I may well be in the same place in 7 years time, as DD is likely to tower over me (and could well be as tall as your DD). At 8 she is proud, mostly, of being the tallest in her class, but I know it will take a lot to keep that through becoming a teenager.

I think I would focus on building her overall confidence. Positive role models (Jodie Kidd?) and whatever other techniques you can come up with (I will lurk to see what others come up with). You can't and won't stop the stupid comments, so you need to find ways for DD to become immune to them.

Dear me, I would love to be as tall as your DD. She sounds gorgeous. I would inside be seething with jealousy but it would never occur to me to comment either way. I hope things get better for her. I cannot imagine why people would comment negatively. They shouldn't comment anyway of course, but more so as there is nothing negative to say! As a shortie I would love to be her height. Tell her to ignore them all.

My 15 year old is 6 foot 3 and I feel your pain!

You're doing great with trying to boost her confidence - it's the only way as there is nothing anyone can do to change her height!
Whenever I'm with her and people say that, I reply for her with 'yes, and isn't she beautiful' - of course they agree - giving her a huge confidence boost.
Like the others have said, it will get easier as everyone else slowly catches up. Just keep telling her she's gorgeous and she will believe it, eventually!
Good luck!
xxxx

Ah, I feel for her, being not much under 6ft myself. However, I really love being tall and will wear heels when I go out (I had a go with platforms a few years ago but decided 6ft5 was probably too much even for me). Could you seek out other tall women who are positive about it and encourage them to talk to your DD?

Sorry you are annoyed about this op, sounds like a very tricky situation. In a world where its increasingly difficult to boost teenagers self esteem and confidence, particularly if they have something about them that singles them out/ make them more noticeable. It is a time in life when you just want to blend into the crowd and not helped by the fact your DD is naturally shy.

Firstly, I was the other way- 5"1, dumpy and always wishing I was taller like my sister, who is 5"7 so I could look a little slimmer and not so squat.
talk to your DD about the other end of the spectrum maybe? and tell her that being tall has its many advantages!

I would also say that at 15, she has so, SO much to look forward to and she can't let these comments bring her down at all. The boys at school are idiots and just insecure themselves, she will be moving on to much bigger and better things soon like college/ uni, and they will just disappear from her life.

Also maybe try to re- frame your anger and annoyance at people's comments, so it doesn't send a message to your DD that her height is something she should be self conscious of. Instead, focus on her own feelings and help her to brush off those remarks by boosting her confidence overall- not just over her looks. She is so much more than her height; I'm guessing she has hobbies, favourite music, films and subjects she is good at, so encourage her in all areas so she feels less held back by being tall, and more like its a small part of her overall wonderful personality.

Some people are a little bit nasty when its not helpful so if all else fails, take the repeat offenders aside and explain to them quietly that mentioning her height the way they do often has a bad effect and you don't find it funny.

Good Luck, I hope you get some great responses so you can show her this thread and help her a bit!

YANBU.

It's really rude. People are thoughtless and tactless, though.

Does your DD ever comment on her height?

A girl in my year was over 6ft tall when we were at school. She was scouted by a modelling agency.

I SO know what you are talking about. My daughter has just turned 12 and is 5'10 with size 9 feet. It was so awful when she started secondary school last year as she was the tallest girl in the school and just got referred to as 'the tall one'. The comment she gets most often is 'wow. are you going to be a supermodel?' to which she has always replied that she has no intention of being so. She has always been made to feel so conscious of her height but now is getting spots to add to her concerns about her appearance. I am trying to teach her good comeback lines like when people ask whether she is on the basketball team I tell her to ask them if they play minigolf. It is crazy that seemingly sensible people,often other women, don't see how their exclamations of wonder at her height will not play on her mind and make her feel unusual and odd.
I am 6'1 and DH 6'7" so we are equally 'to blame'! But I have not grown since I was 14 so have at least lived through what she is living through. I was also always overweight whereas she carries no extra weight at all so I try and get her to at least appreciate she is tall slender and beautiful, not tall,chunky and not so beautiful, like I was a school.
I do try and educate people if I know them well enough and most of my friends and family are aware that she does not like such comments. I have noticed now that her older boy cousins 17 and 19 always want to check they are still taller than her,but she seems to take this from them okay.
I think you just have to keep telling her she is lovely just the way she is. Point out that shorter people always want to be taller.Point out that most of the worlds beautiful famous women/models are 6' plus.

Get her down to your local netball club they will be overjoyed to see her! And she's likely to meet some other tall girls and generally increase her self-esteem. Basketball or volleyball too. I'd love to be tall. I am so sorry to hear of people making inappropriate comments to your daughter. I agree that it's rude and thoughtless.

'What's the weather like up there?' needs the reply 'You'll find out when you grow up.'

Or
'Isn't she tall!'
'Yes, she's so lucky'.

Maybe not the first for relatives!

Come to think of it, the one thing currently annoying my DD about her height is that my friend's DD, who is 2 weeks younger than her and has always been just very slightly shorter, is currently slightly taller, so DD is determined to overtake again before we next see them (quite how she plans to do that I am not clear). So I guess I need to cross my fingers that they both continue to be the tallest in their year groups (different schools, 100 miles apart) and can support each other if/when the self-consciousness hits.

Er, Happy, as a tall teen I did not need to be reminded how tall I was by people urging me to join a basketball team!

Yeah old people can be real twats. Point this out to your daughter.

What a horrible thing to say.

I love the comments on what to say when people remark about her height, just reply for her with 'I know shes so lucky isn't she', or 'Yes doesn't she have a lovely figure' great confidence boost!

Also agree with Happy36 about the netball/ volleyball clubs! I was on the netball team for my school and was laughed at regularly! I played in goal defense which people found even more funny (even my own DH when I told him!).

YANBU! That must be horrible for her!

Not helpful to your DD right now, but ppl do tend to say (without thinking) "gosh aren't you tall" or "haven't your grown" etc when they see a tall young person. They mean well, but it is isn't great to hear when you are still growing and feeling quite self-conscious about your height!

It's a tough phase for your DD, but there are many advantages to look fwd to, so just hope she can hang in there and try to stand up straight until she reaches her "swan" stage, when she will appreciate her height at lot more!

Until then, maybe tell her that most tall older ppl, (if asked), would say they are v happy to have been taller than average in their life ... even if they didn't always apppreciate being tall when they were younger. (So it usually works out just fine.)

www.imdb.com/list/ls000300811/

Being tall is great.

When she is successful in her chosen profession, patronising middle aged men will find it much harder to patronise someone they are physically looking up to

Ohh I feel for your daughter, but I promise it gets better! I'm 5ft 11 and was so from about 15 or 16, and I did used to stoop when I was with my shorter friends, not intentionally but it was the only way I could effectively communicate with them! Boys were always shorter than me, and not at all interested in someone who towered above them, and I was called Big Bird and Jolly Green Giant...despite being neither big, nor green!

I'd say just try to focus on her as the beautiful young woman she is, boost her confidence with positive comments, help her find great clothes for tall girls, remind her about all those glamazons out there, help her see that people's thoughtless comments come from their own insecurities, and aren't really about her, and reassure her that when she gets to uni, or work, there are SO many tall people out there, she won't feel like she stands out any more. I found that working out at the gym, and taking part in sports really helped my confidence and made me see how my tallness could be used to my advantage...and that's stayed with me. I currently live in the USA and I feel of an average height. A friend here is 6ft 5 and was a semi pro basketball player in her teens and 20s...she's tall, beautiful and amazing!

I had to respond, having lived 10 years ago what your dd is currently facing. I too was called lanky, chicken legs (I wear 36 inch trousers) and generally remember wanting to visibly shrink, especially at around 17, being around boys etc.

Things got a lot better with age. I began to believe people when they said how lucky I was, and I began to see it as a positive thing. I now, at 5ft10, wear heels even to work. Yes, I do slump a little when a short man is next to me, but if they comment, it shows their insecurity, not any reason for me to be insecure.

I do hope your dd one day feels the same. Height is empowering, but as a teenager anything that makes you slightly 'different' makes you cringe daily. It may just take time. Just keep her positive about it. There are facebook groups all about tall girls and how great it is.

Being tall is a pain when you're in your teens and self-conscious. But I've found it's got more going for it than against as I've got older. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with all the studies/articles below but if your DD needs a boost how about:

Tall people get paid more money.

"Taller people are perceived to be more intelligent and powerful"

Tall people lead happier lives. (Related to the two points above, perhaps?! )

One thing I would say is that I'd encourage your daughter to be aware of her posture, maybe do something like Pilates, as I imagine she's a sloucher - I used to slouch to try and lose a few inches, and it has not been good for my back/posture. Good posture is not only important for general fitness/spine health but also for projecting self-confidence - fake it til you make it, and all that.

I'm sorry, I always read these threads when I'm going to bed. I'm so tired I've not read all the comments.

I'm 6'. Size 9 feet.
I love being tall, now. If another girl is a similar height, I think "eh? I'm the tall one here!".

But yes, people do like to comment; "You're tall, aren't you?".
I just used to say "really?"
It makes the person look stupid because they realise you do actually KNOW and they're saying something blatantly obvious.