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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit miffed by this? (SIL)

71 replies

wineandcake · 24/04/2015 17:23

Hi everyone

Just wanted to get some insight into what I consider to be very petty on behalf of SIL but not sure if I am being petty for thinking it petty!

So my mum passed away this week after a long and tough battle with dementia. Funeral is next week and we decided it would be nice for the 4 older cousins (aged between 11-16) to read a verse each of her favourite poem, and all cousins (2 younger ones included) are going to say some of their favourite memories.

My DH sister and I have been emailing about the poem/memories just laying out who will say which part etc. In my email, I used the word "paragraph" instead of "verse" when talking about the poem. The response I get from SIL:

Hi J

Yes think that will all work nicely! DCs are just finishing up writing their memories- will send to you when done.

Cxx

p.s it's a verse not a paragraph!

Um..really? I'm not offended as such I just think it's unbelievably petty. The thing is SIL and I have never exactly seen eye to eye. We never had a big bust up or anything but we are SUCH different people and our personalities completely clash. I have a pretty dark, snarky sense of humour. She is fairly thin skinned and takes offence easily and is often mortified by darker humour. It's fine, not an issue, we're just very different. We hadn't seen each other since about 2001 but in 2012 my DB had a stroke (he's fine now) which forced us to spend more time together, and actually everything was fine. I think we were both pleasantly surprised at how easy things were between us. We haven't spoken/seen each other much since but I really feel like we're on fine terms we'll just never be BFFS.

She has always had a bit of a hang up academically though. Her family are all highly academic- (both parents doctorates, MSc herself and her brother doctorate also). DC2 is highly academic, DC1 not as much but still well above average.

My side of the family are not academic really at all. Both myself and my DB (Not her DH, other DB) are dyslexic and struggled a lot at school but I was always very arty and am now an illustrator. DB very dyslexic but has a great job working in IT. Other DB (her DH) by far the most academic out of all of us, but still "just" an undergrad in philosophy but from a RG. Neither of my parents went to uni. SIL has admitted before that her mum is an "academia snob" (Which she is) but it seems SIL has become like it too! I've always felt like she looked down on us all a bit.

It just felt like this was such an unnecessary dig and I have no idea whether to even mention it in my response. As I say I'm not offended I just think it's such a silly thing to even mention. I mean really WHY bother? Am I over thinking this? What would you all think/do in my shoes??

OP posts:

DoJo · 24/04/2015 17:44

Reply 'Gosh, of course, silly me - here I was focussing on mourning my mother and not realising that failing to use the correct terminology would rile you so much that you simply had to point it out to me despite this being a particularly difficult time. Thank heavens you never let empathy get in the way of being 'correct' or where would we all be when it comes to your funeral and we are fighting over who gets to read which PARAGRAPH of 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead'.'

Or think it, reply with something more dignified (if you need to reply at all) and be content that you will never let something as silly get in the way of supporting someone through the grieving process. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry that you have to deal with someone so insensitive at this difficult time.

AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 17:44

Sorry about your mum op.
Yanbu, there was really no need at all for her to PS.... Very rude of her.
However I think you should just let it slide as you have more important things to do than worry about this nut.

yellowdinosauragain · 24/04/2015 17:44

Please served littlesuper's fantastic reply

SallyMcgally · 24/04/2015 17:45

I think she was being a cow, especially when it's a really hard time for you all. Even if she loves correcting everyone, there are times to rein it in. At the end of the day though she's the one who looks ridiculous over it.
for the loss of your mother.

Invizicat · 24/04/2015 17:45

Sorry for your loss OP

I agree that her comment sounds a bit like a dig considering the circumstances. And at what's such a highly emotional and sensitive time she is being pretty crass and tactless.

Sounds to me that your SIL isn't trying to upset you or lord her academic abilities over you. It just sounds as if she is socially pretty incompetent. (She may have the IQ but certainly not the EQ.)

Frankly, I'd be tempted to reply with a normal email about arrangements and a PS Frankly SIL, the difference between a verse and a paragraph really doesn't matter to me right now. I'd rather concentrate on remembering mum.

and hopefully she'll feel thoroughly ashamed of herself

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/04/2015 17:48

I think YANBU. It was an entirely unnecessary correction - you both knew what you were referring to, there was no risk of misunderstanding, and I really think she could have cut you a bit of slack.

It doesn't seem like a lighthearted comment to me, and in your shoes, I would be upset by it. I would be tempted to reply, "I apologise for my unfortunate misuse of 'paragraph'for 'verse' - I am afraid I have been too busy mourning my beloved mother, sorting things out and organising the funeral, to focus on trivial details. Thank you for adding to my pain." But if she is as thin skinned as you say, it could cause you even more stress and hassle.

Could,you mention it to your brother, and ask him to ask her to hold off on correcting you?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 24/04/2015 17:49

She's probably just taken a day off from posting "it's there not their" and "the word is have not of" on sensitive threads on Mumnset.

But yeah, it's a stanza any how if we're playing English lit top trumps

londonrach · 24/04/2015 17:50

Musical perfect response. Sorry about your mum op x

Dr0pThePirate · 24/04/2015 17:51

I've heard people say you should never attribute to malice what can be more easily explained by stupidity.

What your sil did was thoughtless and it hurt. I wouldn't assume it was done on purpose.

I would however send an email back congratulating her on her peerless intellect but point out how much of a shit you don't give. But then again I'm a bitch

lithewire · 24/04/2015 17:53

She's being a pedant, ignore it. Either that or troll her by repeatedly referring to it as a paragraph.

Sorry for your loss.

PuppyMonkey · 24/04/2015 17:58

I'm so sorry about your mum. Please send the message about the stanza, it is brilliant.

MrsTedCrilly · 24/04/2015 18:01

Sorry about your mum last thing you need is someone being so petty! Yanbu at all but don't reply with anything, I bet it's just her 'quirk' that she does with everyone without even thinking.

YouBetterWerk · 24/04/2015 18:05

Definitley not BU. That's incredibly petty. Agree with PP's though that it sounds like she would have said it to anyone.
So sorry for your loss

Goldmandra · 24/04/2015 18:07

I think she's petty and the comment was totally unnecessary but also that your grief and the context of the comment is, understandably, making it feel far worse than it should.

Try to let it go because it is really very easy for families to fall out badly at times like this. It doesn't take a lot to trigger it but it takes a long time to heal. You need to support each other as much as you possibly can over the next few weeks. If it's still bugging you in six months, find a way to drop it into conversation then.

She sounds pretty insecure, TBH, if she needs to correct people in such a socially inappropriate manner.

Sorry you're having to deal with this ridiculous behaviour at such a difficult time

Smudgeandpudge · 24/04/2015 18:20

She's rude and clearly isn't very ememotionally intelligent. I'd be narked too.

wowfudge · 24/04/2015 18:24

Now I think some other posters are overthinking it too! She didn't think before she typed. Just be the bigger person and ignore it.

TwoOddSocks · 24/04/2015 18:58

I can definitely understand you being upset; it's hardly the time for pedantry, particularly as you're likely to be more upset than SiL having lost your mum not "just" your MiL. That said I think your grief is exaggerating things it was a little inappropriate but not worthy of more than a few minutes thought. So sorry for your loss and I hope the funeral goes well, what a lovely idea for the cousins to do readings.

ollieplimsoles · 24/04/2015 19:25

Not time to be pedantic at all op and I can see how this would rub you up the wrong way given your history and the family.

So sorry for your loss

FWIW I'm also an illustrator! and I have dyslexia too (mainly struggle with numbers) Its a VERY hard Job- meeting clients many needs, working ridiculously long hours etc, etc. Hold your head up high, I bet your SIL couldn't do it!

AdoraBell · 24/04/2015 19:37

Another vote for sending what Littlesuper suggested.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

AlternativeTentacles · 24/04/2015 19:45

'I was going to say stanza but I thought that would seem pretentious. But thanks anyway.'

Roseformeplease · 24/04/2015 19:51

English teacher here.

In certain kinds of poetry they ARE called verse paragraphs.

From Wikipedia.

Verse paragraphs are stanzas with no regular number of lines or groups of lines that make up units of sense. They are usually separated by blank lines. It stands for a group of lines in a poem that form a rhetorical unit similar to that of a prose paragraph. Milton's 'Paradise Lost and Wordsworth's 'The Prelude' consist of verse paragraphs. Verse paragraphs are frequently used in blank verse and in free verse.

So sorry for your loss.

SometimesTables · 24/04/2015 20:04

So sorry about your Mum.

Your SILs reply would bug me too but I think you should just forget about it.

ChasedByBees · 24/04/2015 21:21

Yeah I'd reply with Littlesuper's response and a sentence about there being a time and place.

Happy36 · 24/04/2015 21:52

You are not being unreasonable. Her comment was unnecessary. However she probably wrote it without thinking rather deliberately trying to be snarky. I am very sorry for your loss and offer sincere condolences to you and all of your family. I hope the funeral goes well; your ideas for the readings, etc. sound lovely.

maddening · 24/04/2015 21:57

I'd be tempted to give her tips on social etiquette - she's evidentially lacking!

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