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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Best friends partner is being unfair?

28 replies

BoredAdminGirl · 24/04/2015 12:34

My best friend and her Girlfriend have been having IVF and after the 4th try, friends DP is pregnant.

I managed to get friend an interview at my place of work and she did great resulting in her getting a job. She starts next week.

In beginning of June we are having an office party, nothing manic but It's a great opportunity for her to get to know everyone (she is very shy). Her partner has refused to "allow" her to go, saying that she can't drink so neither should her DP be able to.

In fact her DP is negative about everything to do with this pregnancy, you'd swear it happened by accident!

I just think Friends DP is being quite controlling, my friend NEVER goes out and now she will miss out on an opportunity to mix with other departments in work. Harrumph

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 24/04/2015 12:36

YANBU, but you're still probably best to keep your nose out and let them get on with it.

Original poster
BoredAdminGirl · 24/04/2015 12:41

Oh of course, I haven't said anything. I just think it's completely unfair!

OP posts:
shewept · 24/04/2015 12:41

Yanbu unless its near the due date, then I can see why she wouldn't want her to go. or there have been health issues regarding the pregnancy.

Also I can't stand people who say the won't 'allow' something. Your friend is an adult she can decide. It could be pg hormones though.

I would suggest staying out it, unless you think there abuse issues. Then you just need to support your friend.

Kittymum03 · 24/04/2015 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

browneyedgirl86 · 24/04/2015 13:04

Yanbu. It is unfair. You can still go out and not drink. I do! I don't drink so I have alternatives on nights out.

But probably best not to say anything though as it may not go down well.

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:06

Why can't she drink just because her partner can't?
Bloody ridiculous!

lemonyone · 24/04/2015 13:09

Wow. I know the word 'controlling' is overused on here, but I really really hate it when people inflict a 'no drinking or whatever' on the other partner when they themselves are pregnant.

However, I guess your friend has chosen to abide by this, so all you can do is express regret. Personally, I would also be trumpeting that the partners behaviour is bizarre, but that's me.

popalot · 24/04/2015 13:10

Is this the real reason she doesn't want her to go? Is she having a rough time with morning sickness etc? It is a bit controlling. Can't her DP come along?

pictish · 24/04/2015 13:15

If this was a male partner telling her she can't go out because he couldn't drink (for whatever reason) none of you would be advising OP not to interfere.
OP of course yanbu - her partner is being unfair and dead selfish to boot.
I don't like the sound of her at all.

MrsSquirrel · 24/04/2015 14:03

If this was a male partner telling her she can't go out because he couldn't drink none of you would be advising OP not to interfere.

Not true, at least for me. If it were a controlling male partner, I would still say be there for her, but don't get involved.

YANBU Bored her partner is being unfair, but they are both adults. Certainly tell her you are disappointed she will not be going, but otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself.

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 14:05

It is utterly barmy that the non-pregnant partner in a relationship 'can't' drink for 9 months because the other is pregnant.

Should they also not eat unpasteurised cheese, runny eggs, etc...?

It is controlling behaviour and of course nobody NEEDS to drink! But what if you want to?

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 14:08

It is never good when one partner attempts to control and dictate. You should not be saying to your partner that you will not allow them to do this that or the other. It is not acceptable behaviour.

Unless - if your friend is shy are you sure the partner is not allowing her, or is she saying that because she feels too shy to go? Have you heard her partner say she isn't allowed to go?

I think you should support your friend, encourage her to be more independent and watch and if you feel that her partner is controlling then make sure your friend knows you are there for her.

Original poster
BoredAdminGirl · 24/04/2015 14:21

I asked her DP outright if friend was coming (at this point I didn't know either way) and she said no and the exact reasons why. Aalos that I was not to speak further about it as it si a "sore point" because she found out that friend had 2 bottles of lager last Friday..

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 14:24

ah, ok. Wow.

That is not acceptable. It really isn't.

I think what you can do is support your friend, maybe help her with her confidence, etc.

Do not speak about it further. god. I'd have laughed in her face.

Iamfrankieheck · 24/04/2015 14:26

Just be careful it may be your actual friend who doesn't want to go and is using her partner as an excuse. My DH used to do this all the time..or said I'm sick etc so doesn't want to leave me, when really he just didn't want to socialize.

His work colleagues must have thought I was a right witch Blush

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 14:28

I'd have told her to have a word with herself!

Iamfrankieheck · 24/04/2015 14:30

wow x post YANBU

She most certainly is Shock

This does not bear well for the future...

shewept · 24/04/2015 14:52

If this was a male partner telling her she can't go out because he couldn't drink (for whatever reason) none of you would be advising OP not to interfere.

Actually I would say the same. Having the OP interfering if she suspects abuse, rarely helps.

The DP needs a grip.

flora717 · 24/04/2015 15:06

If sh's 36 weeks and anxious about labour I'd say yeah, maybe. (or indeed if friend taking prolactin to support bf, it'd be fine, but possibly time to 'prepare'. It is ott. But what can you do? There may be resentment if the pregnancy is hard for her a 'well you're not doing it' but. You can't get involved!

pictish · 24/04/2015 15:07

You don't think a concerned friend diplomatically broaching the subject is appropriate then?

shewept · 25/04/2015 06:39

No pictish I don't. If it was my friend who was being controlled I would speak to my friend. Try and get them to open up and support them. I would not tackle the abuser about the issue. Because the abuser will then try and cut their partner off from their friends. Until the person who is being abused can understand its abuse and gets the courage to do something, it's very easy from someone emotional abusing their partner to isolate them. Which then makes it even worse.

pictish · 25/04/2015 09:01

Agreed on all counts. But you wouldn't just stand back claiming "nothing to do with me - I'm not going to interfere" would you? Like some posters here seem to think would be fitting.
You'd be a friend and tell her it's not on. You would interfere.

pictish · 25/04/2015 09:03

I didn't say anything about approaching or speaking to the partner in question. That would be a waste of time.

JemimaPuddlePop · 25/04/2015 09:11

Is there a chance that the 'allowed' word is a bit tongue in cheek?

I recently realised I was using language whilst describing DH which made him sound like a controlling a hole.

We went on a UK trip with the dc, 8+ hours drive. A couple of friends made comments that at least we both drive so we can share and my (unthinking) response was 'No, Dh does it all, he doesn't let me drive on the motorway, hasn't for years'.

Until I glamced up and saw the head tilts and Hmm faces, I didn't realise how that sentence sounded.

What it actually meant was that Dh loves motorway driving and is a terrible passenger, I'm completely indifferent. So is choice to do the driving, considering my indifference generally wins iyswim? Which is fine.

Not how it sounds to an outsider though.

pictish · 25/04/2015 10:46

Not if she's turning down a night out because the rule must be upheld.