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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go nc with a friend?

41 replies

SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 01:15

Have been having a tough time lately with things, but said friend has been very supportive. We have been friends for a few years now and have lots of shared experiences (went to uni together, lived together, gone through a lot).

Anyway, she recently got a new boyfriend after being single for a couple of years. I'm single FWIW.

I understand that in new relationships, people do want to spend all their time together, honeymoon period etc etc. But she has blown me off a lot recently and things culminated in her treating me appallingly when I said I couldn't do him a favour (he was travelling to my area for work and she asked if he could stay, I said it wasn't convenient. I barely know him btw).

Basically she got huffy with me and I told her, privately, that it was a bit of an unfair situation to have put me in. She went postal: denied things, made things up, basically tried to make me out to be unreasonable.

What is the best way of letting this friendship go? I know it sounds bad but they do say revenge is a dish best served cold after all. I don't want to be cruel or vindictive but I do want to make a point

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 07:06

I can understand that she's upset you in this instance and has been flakey since meeting her new fella but if she's been a great friend in the past I would just pull back for a while.

I certainly don't understand why you want revenge!

OTheHugeManatee · 24/04/2015 07:12

Why do people have to 'go NC'? Why not just leave the friendship alone for a bit and see if you both see things differently? I can see why you are angry but it just seems very dramatic where perhaps just thinking that time and seeing other people for a bit might bring another perspective.

WilburIsSomePig · 24/04/2015 07:16

Revenge is a dish best served cold? Why on earth do you want revenge?

Either tell her you're pissed off and no longer want to continue with the friendship, or just let it go. The 'revenge' thing all sounds very teenage and ridiculous to me. (Apologies if you are actually a teenager).

londonrach · 24/04/2015 07:18

Strange wanting revenge... Anyway just let the friendship lapse

IrmaGuard · 24/04/2015 07:26

You don't need to formally end a friendship. Just let it go, if you must. Wanting to make a point of it or wanting revenge just makes you sound silly. Don't get in touch with her anymore, if she gets in touch with you and asks why you've gone quiet on her you could always explain that you were disappointed she couldn't see your point of view re the boyfriend staying.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2015 07:32

I think the 'friendship' has ended, she sounded very flaky, I would just leave it and not contact her anymore.

Only1scoop · 24/04/2015 07:34

Sounds like it's coming to an end.

Why would you want revenge Confused

dangerrabbit · 24/04/2015 07:39

Just don't talk to her anymore. No need for any drama.

AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 07:47

So she just went 'postal' over this without previously doing so? Sounds like a whole lot of drama, would like to hear the other side. Even so, no need for seeking revenge, rather behave like an adult and step back for a bit.

maliaki · 24/04/2015 11:19

Revenge talking makes it seem like you want to stop talking to her as a punishment. Nc is when you do it for yourself and family for health and heartache reasons. The silent treatment, which is very much game playing and abusive, is the punishing silence.

Do you want a break from her? Is your aim for her to miss you and chase you and for you to resume contact when she's had enough punishment? Or do you want to withdraw from the friendship and end completely?

Given how supportive and how close you've been in the past it sounds like you want to use the silent treatment, or you are having a knee jerk 'leave me alone' moment. If you want you end the friendship, just stop bothering. If you want her to chase you and feel bad while you refuse ccommunication until she's been punished enough then stop, take a long look at yourself and back off.

Runningupthathill82 · 24/04/2015 11:22

What the others said - this is all very melodramatic. You don't need to give it a name and "go NC"...just stop getting in touch with her and see how it goes?

Wanting "revenge" is very odd.

mrsmeerkat · 24/04/2015 11:25

I think I would just quietly ignore her but i have a feeling she will see the error of her ways without you stating it to her.

PuppyMonkey · 24/04/2015 11:28

I have never seen anyone go "postal" - what does that involve exactly? Lots of letters? Confused

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 24/04/2015 11:33

they do say revenge is a dish best served cold after all. I don't want to be cruel or vindictive but I do want to make a point

Wtf?

Just step back from the friendship, for God's sake. You sound as though your friend should be punished.

It definately sounds as though you both should let this friendship go.

WhitePhantom · 24/04/2015 11:35

I was wondering the same, puppyMonkey - I've never heard the expression before. What does it mean?

It all sounds very dramatic over two people wanting different things. NC over this, after so many years of support and friendship???

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 24/04/2015 11:39

I had a friend who went very quiet when she met a new bloke. Very similar situation to yours, had been very close, in fact she was doubting her relationship with him and was being supportive. Until the 'L' Word was mentioned of course, suddenly they had the love of the century. Her personality seem to change overnight, she became really smug and up herself, really unbearable. So I dropped contact, hoping she would ask what was going on and we could 'clear the air'. It didn't work, the friendship ended. If I told her straight about how her behavior was hurting me, maybe it could have been salvaged. It could have made things worse though. I think we were just becoming different people, don't think about revenge, just grieve for the lost friendship and move on.

FarFromAnyRoad · 24/04/2015 11:40

I have never seen anyone go "postal" - what does that involve exactly? Lots of letters?

Probably inappropriate but this did make me snort a bit! Grin

LurkingHusband · 24/04/2015 11:43

" Going postal " comes from the US where there was a spate of postal workers coming into work and shooting the place up

fluffymouse · 24/04/2015 11:44

You sound about 15 wanting 'revenge'.

If you don't want to be friends anymore then don't be.

If this is a single incident then think about whether it is worth losing a friend over.

Asking if her boyfriend could stay with you hardly seems as bad as you make it sound.

Have you thought that maybe she doesn't want to be your friend anymore?

lemonyone · 24/04/2015 11:46

Only you know how hurtful she was after you wouldn't let your friend's BF stay over, we have no idea.
Perhaps she was really awful, in which case, of course let this friendship go if you feel too much damage was done.

But all this talk of revenge is a bit odd. Why do you want revenge on her? And serving it cold. you mention you have had a few problems recently and that she has been supportive. Perhaps she is pissed off that she supported you so much but that you wouldn't do this one favour. I don't know. But it sounds to me that letting your friend go for the moment in a calm way would be best. It would be silly to make it a permanent thing in the heat of the moment by seeking revenge etc.

PuppyMonkey · 24/04/2015 11:55

Thank you for link Lurking Smile

Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 14:06

Hi all, thanks for your opinions.

You're right, I'm being harsh and haven't properly thought this through. I don't want to punish her and my wording was a bit off with the whole 'revenge served cold' idea... Think I got a bit carried away in the heat of the moment :)

Without wishing to drip feed, there is a slight back story which I probably should have mentioned earlier. I have slightly changed details as I know she does go on here so didn't want to out myself.

We lived together until very recently and her bf virtually moved in. I didn't complain because I knew that they were moving away to live together. She said thanks for being so good about it etc, but at the end of the day I was subsiding their rent and bills.

I was prepared to let bygones be bygones... Then, when she made this request and had the audacity to turn it on me and accuse me of being unreasonable/selfish, I just saw red! How deluded can you be?! I just want her to understand that she has been incredibly unfair. I've said this to her but she's being stubborn, accusatory and not tackling the issue.

WWYD.

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 14:08

I'm mid 20s btw, not a teenager - slightly embarrassed that I seem to come across as one Grin

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 24/04/2015 14:14

So he's "virtually" lived in your flat before, but now you apparently don't him well enough to let him stop a night to save on the hotel costs.

You both sound as bad as each other tbh. Petty games and point-scoring.

Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 14:17

SaucyJack, well he's used my/our former flat as a b and b, yes. I think the underlying problem here is that I feel used, again and again, as a source of free accommodation and very little else.

She wants me to pay for him but keeps me at arm's length otherwise.

Does that make sense?

And yes, I don't know him that well. He's essentially a friend's friend but we're not friends ourselves.

OP posts:
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