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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go nc with a friend?

41 replies

SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 01:15

Have been having a tough time lately with things, but said friend has been very supportive. We have been friends for a few years now and have lots of shared experiences (went to uni together, lived together, gone through a lot).

Anyway, she recently got a new boyfriend after being single for a couple of years. I'm single FWIW.

I understand that in new relationships, people do want to spend all their time together, honeymoon period etc etc. But she has blown me off a lot recently and things culminated in her treating me appallingly when I said I couldn't do him a favour (he was travelling to my area for work and she asked if he could stay, I said it wasn't convenient. I barely know him btw).

Basically she got huffy with me and I told her, privately, that it was a bit of an unfair situation to have put me in. She went postal: denied things, made things up, basically tried to make me out to be unreasonable.

What is the best way of letting this friendship go? I know it sounds bad but they do say revenge is a dish best served cold after all. I don't want to be cruel or vindictive but I do want to make a point

OP posts:
catlover97 · 24/04/2015 14:24

There was a thread on here yesterday which appeared to be the other side of this particular argument....don't know if it was but the similarities are striking (Op was complaining about her flatmate being angry because Op's boyfriend stayed at their flat whilst both Op and flatmate were away, this coming after months of said boyfriend generally cocklodging, not contributing etc which flatmate put up with and understandably snapped).

The verdict was a unanimous YABU towards that OP, people going so far as to question whether it was a reverse because she really did come across as so deluded about what was acceptable behaviour toward her flatmate.

That thread has subsequently disappeared...
If the two are linked then no YANBU. Run as fast as you can!

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 14:55

I'll never forget a good friend at college who was livid with me for having a boyfriend and wanting to spend time with him. She was really possessive about it. Complained of I didn't meet up with her every single Saturday. Fast forward 3 years, she has a boyfriend and I never hear from her! Everyone needs a bit of space when they are in a new relationship. You would too.

Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 15:03

Ha VelvetRose! I get that, but that's not what I'm saying at all :)

I'm not trying to stake a claim on my friend's time! I have a life too, just because I don't have a bf at the moment, I do have other friends - not a total sad case ;)

I'm far from possessive. But when someone only wants to know you re what you can do for them, that makes things a bit difficult, no?

Surely if I was possessive I would be doing everything to keep hold of the friendship. I'm trying to move on with my life and focus on people who are true friends/myself now

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 15:08

CatLover, thanks for that. I'm not sure about whether the two are linked as this is the first time Ive posted about this situation, but it is interesting that it was a unanimous YABU... The situations are pretty similar so I'm taking comfort from that :)

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMeow · 24/04/2015 15:10

In essence what I'm asking is, is there a way to make her see sense (understand that she's treated me pretty shoddily)? Or is the sensible thing just to cut contact and move on.

OP posts:
catlover97 · 24/04/2015 15:37

Personally I'd be inclined to cut contact. It sounds as though you've been more than a good friend with no appreciation on her part.

One thing I've realised as I've got older (mid 30's so still lots to learn but still!) is that people like that are not worth the energy especially once you start having dc's etc and have approximately no time to yourself!

Don't do anything rash or nasty. Just take a step back, don't contact her, if she contacts you and you don't like the message ignore, don't engage. if you do like her message/want to talk then do so. Hopefully she'll start to get the message (if she does value the friendship) of how to treat you (and more importantly how not to treat you).

I may be offering seemingly conflicted advice Blush but essentially my message is look after yourself first and ignore her if she's being toxic. You sound lovely so perhaps put your energies into making new friends/building up other friendships Flowers

maliaki · 24/04/2015 18:17

Ok you should have mentioned the backstory and omitted the 'revenge line' and you probably would have more YANBU for being pissed off.

If she effectively moved him in and expected you to subsidise him then expected this again now because you'd allowed in the past and threw a hissy and was nasty towards you then YANBU for being pissed off. She sounds like she has a using streak when it comes to this boyfriend.

If she's a good friend and has been supportive in the past then I'd just step back and see if she comes to you. Don't allow her to take the piss with the boyfriend again because it sounds like she did it enough when you lived together, but don't slam shut the door and bolt it.

SummerTuityFruity · 24/04/2015 23:08

NC is a bit harsh isn't it - surely all friendships have their ups and downs Confused

cerealqueen · 24/04/2015 23:51

Just say you saw enough of him when he was cocklodging with you both and would rather not have to see him again.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2015 12:06

Summer, her friends reaction to op saying no, was well out of order, yes that would be a dealbreaker in a friendship. The 'friend' has treated op badly since she got together with this guy, this is just the straw that broke the camels back. I don't blame her one bit for distancing herself from this fairweather friend.

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/04/2015 12:36

I think that yabu. If you weren't happy with him staying over all the time you should have brought it up then, or asked for a contribution to the bills or whatever it was you wanted. It's unfair to go along with t at the time then use it against them later - they had no reason to think you weren't happy with the situation. And IMO it does seem a bit mean not to let a person that you do evidently know well enough to know he's not a serial killer sleep on your couch for one night. Unless he wants to stay for a week or something I don't get why you'd say no to this. And if she had been supportive of you in the past it doesn't sound like the friendship is completely onesided. Yab petty I'm afraid.

madreloco · 25/04/2015 12:42

Why the need for drama? If a friendship isn't working for you for whatever reason, don't engage with it. Thats it. Unless you are a 14 year old girl, the rest is ridiculous.

ThenThereWereEight · 25/04/2015 12:45

Just move on. She's making you feel used and is being disrespectful.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2015 13:12

Theycallme, have you read the op properly, the friend supported op in the past, then met her boyfriend, seemed to drop op, op is understandably pissed off at this quite rightly, and then has the cheek to ask if he can stay with op. Op has every right to say no, no more now.

hidingfromthem · 25/04/2015 14:31

i would certainly cut her off.
just no further contact whatsoever.
she's a user.
keep your dignity and just quietly bail.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 25/04/2015 14:36

How is friend a user and simultaneously very supportive when the op went through a tough time??

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