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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take someone elses toddler to the toilet?

28 replies

ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 20:44

I go to a toddler group one morning a week, and it's a lovely group, no cliques etc (rare I know, but true)
I know nearly all the mums there, I certainly know all the regulars.
I'm friends with this girls mum, not close friends, but we chat at toddler group and I also see her at the primary school our older DC go to.
Anyway, her toddler started potty training recently, and is doing really well. She needed to go for a wee and was looking for her mum, and we couldn't find her, so I asked her if she'd like me to take her instead. All fine, she took my hand and off we went. As I sat her on the toilet, her mum came out of the stall next to us. I explained I had her little girl there, and carried on sorting little one out while Mum washed her hands etc.
Mum was grateful, didn't have a problem with it at all, and like me, would far rather someone took her DD to the toilet, than left her to wet herself.
So not a problem so far right?
I sit back down to hear from behind me two women talking about how inappropriate I just was and how they wouldn't be happy if their DD had been taken to the toilet by a 'stranger'
I was a bit shocked to be honest as I thought that actually a) it's better than her wetting herself, being upset plus someone having to clean her up and the floor and b) I'm not a bloody stranger.
The two women are fairly new to the group, have only been coming for about a month unlike most of us who have been there a couple of years now, (and some like me who have been with previous children) but I thought they new what a decent group we are.
If your child falls down near another parent, they instantly pick them up and make sure they are okay, stop them picking up discarded bits of biscuit etc.
It's a lovely group and we all really look out for eachother. 2nd hand clothes are passed around from family to family, toys are donated to the group itself.

It shouldn't bother me should it? Especially as the other mum was perfectly fine with it, But for some reason it does...
Would you be happy with another parent taking your toddler to the toilet if you were unavailable? Or like these women would you think it's inappropriate...

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 23/04/2015 20:48

I think the other women were very odd.

You did a nice thing Smile

cheminotte · 23/04/2015 20:49

Wouldn't bother me. I would do that for a friend and appreciate it if they did it for one of my kids.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 20:51

So if you've been going a few years you're not a stranger are you? You know each other?

The two women WB totally U if that's the case because I wouldn't worry about taking the toddler of someone I knew to the toilet and they shouldn't have passed comment if they didn't know the relationship. If she was a stranger they were still BU commenting in front of you. But I wouldn't take a strangers child to the loo, or to any other small confined private space TBH.

Original poster
ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 20:52

It's one of those things, I don't think I did anything wrong, but it's been in the back of my mind all week that maybe I did...

I know I'd rather someone took my DD when she was potty training, than let her wet herself especially as she was devastated the few times she did
Especially if it was at a group such as this one.
I've been to another group recently too, (first time, and seems just as friendly as the one I use regularly) and although I don't know everyone there, I think I'd still prefer it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 20:54

Wizard, I don't know these other two mums very well yet as they've only just started going, but I do know the mum of the toddler I took quite well.
We don't meet up for coffee or anything like that, but we are definitely friendly. I was certain she wouldn't mind me taking her DD, and she didn't.

Not to drip feed, but I suffer with anxiety, which is probably why it's niggled at me so much.
They knew they were in earshot too, they were definitely making sure I could hear them.

OP posts:
ButterflyUpSoHigh · 23/04/2015 20:56

I think you should have checked with the mum first but you did a nice thing.

Original poster
ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 20:57

Butterfly, I couldn't check with the mum, we couldn't find her, and her DD was getting more and more fidgety as we looked.

OP posts:
laughingcow13 · 23/04/2015 21:01

how big is this toddler group? when you could not see her didn't of occur to you she was most probably I'm the loo?

Theoldcauliflower · 23/04/2015 21:03

You did the right thing, your not a stranger. The two newbies were being stupid!! Don't let them bother youGrin

Original poster
ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 21:07

the group is in the main hall, but there is a kitchen, and a couple of 'sunday school' rooms to the sides, as well as the toilet.
It's also not uncommon for a mum to dash outside to take a phone call where it's quiet, most of the time we ask another mum to watch our DCs, but in some cases it's been an emergency call etc and we all know that someone will be watching dc, as I said, we all look out for eachothers, the DC often seek out other mums while they are there and ignore their own Grin
I looked in the kitchen and one of the side rooms, as well as the main hall, but at this point he DD was practically hopping on one leg, so I just thought sod it, I'll find her in a minute.

I didn't think about the loo tbh, because I usually take my DD with me to see if she will go at the same time I do, so I suppose I just thought other people do the same if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 21:08

Elmer, really, that's fine. Don't let these women bother you, they're obviously just unpleasant busybodies who enjoy judging other people and clearly not worth your headspace.

Taking the child of a Mum who you see regularly at toddler group and knows you to the toilet is absolutely perfectly acceptable, I would do it without a second thought.

Original poster
ElmerRocks · 23/04/2015 21:12

Thank you,
Seems I wasn't being unreasonable after all.
I really didn't think I was at the time, but it's been playing on my mind.
I will carry on as normal then Grin
Thank you, oh wise MNetters

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 21:15

You so did the right thing, what strange and sad attitudes of those women. You were not a stranger to the child, and were in a toddler group where others knew everybody else.

VoyageOfDad · 23/04/2015 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoganJosh · 23/04/2015 21:26

You know the mother, you made a decision based on her and your relationship. The decision was the right one, based on her reaction.

CointreauVersial · 23/04/2015 21:30

If the mum felt comfortable enough with you as a group to leave her DD while she went elsewhere/made a phone call, or whatever, then she must have been OK with you taking her DD to the loo.

After all, if the child hurt herself, or tried to climb out of the window, or hit another child while the mother wasn't there, you'd have stepped in, wouldn't you? In any group of parents who know each other well there is often an unspoken agreement that you'll step in if any urgent parenting is required.

Don't give it another thought.

liveloveluggage · 23/04/2015 21:31

The mum would not have gone off leaving her toddler if she was not happy for others to help her if she had a problem. I expect she thought someone would help her if she fell over or hurt herself and this is a similar thing. So this shows she trusts you all with her dd and is happy for you to help her.

LaLyra · 23/04/2015 21:32

I think the fact the Mum nipped to the loo, leaving her child, suggests that she is comfortable with the people in the group so I'd have done the same as you. No way would I leave a child I'd known for a couple of years to wet themselves when they'd been doing well for potty training.

If I wasn't comfortable with the people in the group doing the same with my kids then I'd take them to the loo/out for the phone call with me.

Sounds like they are a pair of cows making sure you could hear them. I'd ignore them completely.

Szeli · 23/04/2015 21:37

Sounds like my toddler group. NW? Mondays and Thursdays? I always found Thursday people stranger than Monday's Grin

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Stop worrying.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2015 21:37

It would have been quite ridiculous to postpone the wee and waste time looking for the mum, causing the child to have an accident just because you wanted to check it was okay. It would have been unnecessarily distressing for the child, might have set potty training back and would have meant the staff would have to clean up the floor and the mum would have to sort clothing etc for the child.

Of course you shouldn't run off with any child who looks remotely uncomfortable without even checking, but if mum isn't around it would be a really skewed priority to make the child wait, I reckon.

LaLyra · 23/04/2015 21:39

When I say ignore them completely I meant in this Smile

Might make for a weird atmosphere at toddlers if you ignore them if they ask you to pass them something or whatever!

MrsTedCrilly · 23/04/2015 21:39

YANBU, what pathetic women! You did the right thing Smile Don't worry about it for another minute.

Bilberry · 23/04/2015 21:42

I took a complete stranger's kid to the toilet once on a train Shock. I was at a table and a family (mum, 2 preschoolers) surrounded me. They were lovely but I had to give up reading and play - they were too on top of me to avoid for five hours. Grin Mum took a child off to get food from the buffet and the other announced she needed the toilet. I took her, she could manage her cloths herself so I kept the loo door open and 'blocked' the doorway to give her privacy. I did feel rather uncomfortable about the whole thing but what else could I do? Mum must have decided I was ok for child to be left with in the first place though and seemed happy when she returned.

Your situation sounds very much more reasonable.

foreverdepressed · 23/04/2015 21:47

I think you did the right/normal thing. In playgroup is it not the done thing to keep an eye out for each other's DC? Really taking a child to the toilet is not an issue in my mind; it is something teachers do all the time at school (accidents happen well into school age).

But this is of course one of these issues where due to hysteria it is OK women to do it but sadly if a male were to do it......... Sad

Are you male OP?

SageYourResoluteOracle · 23/04/2015 21:50

Now, if your thread title was:
WIBU to take someone else's child to get her ears pierced? then yes, you would've been unreasonable...

I would've done the same and would hope that another mum would take my DD to the loo if she needed a wee and I couldn't be found. There is an African saying that 'It takes a village to raise a child.' It worries me that some people fret so much about non-issues (and I'm meaning the two mums, not you) that it may put people off intervening in a more serious situation for fear of being seen as interfering. Same goes for me for things such as if my DD was doing something dangerous or unkind, I'd be happy for another parent to tell her off. Anyway, I'm withering on (had general anaesthetic earlier today and I can't seem to stop talking...).

I too have anxiety so I know what it's like to be unable to shake silly comments but please don't think any more of it.