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Original poster

To not want to go & see my sisters new house?

88 replies

Spoldge45 · 23/04/2015 20:30

Hello ladies, I am actually writing this on behalf of my DH as I thought it would get a wider audience than Dadsnet.

My sister who is 47 has lived in our family's original family home all her, thru 2 marriages & a child.

4 years ago our mother, who also lived in the house died. In her will she left the house worth £650k to my sister & her 12 year old son & £50k to myself & my young daughter, who at the time was 2.

Undeniably this was very hard to take, it felt as tho my mother didn't care about me & my family as much, despite me always being a very loving/caring son.

Eventually over time I came to terms with the hurt this caused, although it's still something I think about nearly every day. I paid a lump sum of our mortgage & got on with my life, still maintaining a very good relationship with my sister & her son.

2 months ago, my sister sold our family home & her and her 12 year old son downsized to a smaller property, worth £350k.

This I have found a lot harder to take...my sister now has a very nice house, with no mortgage & has in excess of £200k in the bank. While I have to carry on working & paying a mortgage until I am 75.

Since moving my sister has said absolutely nothing about the money situation, she has asked myself & my wife to go to her new house, but to be honest, neither of us feel that we want to.

Sorry I am not very good with emoticons!

OP posts:
kilmuir · 23/04/2015 20:32

Hmmm, not surprised you are a bit pissed off. She should have given you some of the money.

MummyLuce · 23/04/2015 20:38

I get that you are feeling hard done by and a bit sore, but its not your sisters fault is it? She didn't demand more money than you and your mum was hardly going to kick her out her home. I think you will look very sulky and jealous if you don't go. You are, I assume, perfectly happy with your life, so just suck it and accept that unfairness is sometimes just part of life.

misscarlar · 23/04/2015 20:40

has the sister been spoken to at all?

annielouise · 23/04/2015 20:40

Terrible. I feel for you. I'm in a similar boat. I don't talk to my mother or brother and haven't for years as I've been squeezed out too. I've had time to process it and come to the conclusion it isn't so much the money it's being part of a family where your sibling has been favoured for some reason. Over the past couple of years having thought through things I can see many other instances of the favouritism. I couldn't take it so pulled away.

You can carry on as if nothing has happened - hard, as you're finding, and it will get harder as your 12 year old nephew will eventually be set up for life when your kid won't - both grandkids of the same woman. Or you could bring it up and say you felt it grossly unfair, you've tried to rationalise it, get on with it but it galls and it's affecting you. You'll either lose her or she'll do the right thing but if she was going to do the right thing she would have by now. Personally I find it easier not having the constant reminder so I pulled away. Like your sister, my brother spent years in a spare flat the family had so I'm estimating he saved himself 5-10 years of rent then got a £30k deposit while Cinders here got fuck all help.

LapsedTwentysomething · 23/04/2015 20:41

So did your [DH's] mum and sister together in the same house throughout the sister's two marriages?

Totality22 · 23/04/2015 20:42

Your sister has always lived in the family home?

I assume she contributed financially?

Maybe this explains the disparity a bit although it's still shitty

mrsfuzzy · 23/04/2015 20:43

sorry, but that is families for you, it's hard but your mum made her choices and it's not your sisters fault. maybe she has not mentioned money as she feels awkward ? might have been nice for her to give you some but she has to think of herself and son first for the future.
try to maintain your relationship with your sister, and rise above the situation, it won't be easy but then it's not easy for her either.

Mintyy · 23/04/2015 20:43

Was it a case of your Mum looking after your sister, or your sister looking after your Mum?

Either way, unless there is something else behind these bald facts, you probably aren't being U to feel hard done by.

Is your sister sensitive enough to understand why?

Fairylea · 23/04/2015 20:44

Hmm if the sister and the mum always lived together through the two marriages and the sister (I am assuming) contributed to the running of the house financially then I could see that she feels it is very much "her" money rather than inheritance.

I would speak to her about it otherwise none of this is ever going to feel resolved.

Pantone363 · 23/04/2015 20:45

Did she look after/care for your DM in her later years?

ssd · 23/04/2015 20:50

your mum wasnt being fair, but in her defence maybe she was old and a bit unclear in her thinking

on the other hand, your sister has seen the unfairness and did nothing about it

I blame her, not your mum, your sister could have done the decent thing and rectified your mums mistake, but she choose to ignore it.

sorry, I wouldnt go see the house and I'd try to tell her why.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/04/2015 20:50

I really think you need a frank honest conversation with your sister. Do you think she would share the money with you if you asked?

base9 · 23/04/2015 20:51

I am amazed you carried on a relationship with your sister for this long. Of course the situation is also your sister's fault. She could have redistributed the money at any time. You have a good reason not to want to congratulate her on her good fortune as it has come at the expense of a more equitable distribution of your parents' wealth. She had to know that the favoured child in these situations can keep the money but is likely to lose any siblings sidelined.

DizzyDaffodil · 23/04/2015 20:52

What a difficult situation, no wonder you feel awkward and upset. Unfortunately, if it's always been your sister's home and she's presumably either been looking after your mother and/or contributing financially so it sounds like your mother has made sure that your sister stays on in her home rather than risking it being sold from under her. I do think that your sister should have offered you some of the money when the house was sold though, unless she's got not income and you are quite well off or there are mitigating circumstances that you haven't shared with us.

Viviennemary · 23/04/2015 20:57

Under the circumstances no you shouldn't if you don't want to. Why should you have your nose rubbed in her good fortune. If you feel you've been treated badly then don't bother with her. Your Mum is to blame here really but your sister should have pointed out the unfairness. Not sure I;d want to ask directly for a share. I think I'd just cut the person off sister or not if I felt strongly. Sorry if that sounds harsh which it probaby is.

antimatter · 23/04/2015 21:00

It is a shame that money came between you and your sister.
My late father left everything (house etc) to my step sister. I wasn't in touch with him fot many years so I have not felt much resentment but I think I would if we were close.

WipsGlitter · 23/04/2015 21:04

Would she share the money though even if you asked? Could you write her a letter?

evelynj · 23/04/2015 21:04

Sounds crap. Did she mention her grandchildren at all? Or did she just say leave the house to dd & money to ds? How long ago was the will written & there any chance it was quite innocent? Would she have wanted your sis to live in the house rather than sell it? Your dsis did live with her for years though also? What were the financial arrangements there & has it ever been mentioned with your sis about the unfairness? Do you have more money than your sis so is she in more need?

SometimesTables · 23/04/2015 21:09

That sounds terribly unfair. What's your sister like usually? Did your sister contribute towards the mortgage and upkeep off the house?

When did your mother write her will? Might the house have been worth a lot less when she wrote the will?

Do you think your mother intended to be so unfair?

I would say something to your sister.

maccie · 23/04/2015 21:12

Is there no possibility, that now that she has downsized and has the additional money available, that she is inviting you to visit her so that she can share gift you some of the money?

Has she mentioned her plans for the the money to you ?

Only1scoop · 23/04/2015 21:13

I think I'd have to be honest and diplomatically express your feeling. Surely she has some empathy.

If she's downsized what has she done with the rest of the capital?

ratsintheattic · 23/04/2015 21:14

Is there a chance your sister had invited you because she wants to even things out - maybe she'll have a cheque waiting for you. Did your mother's will not have a clause concerning subsequent sale of the family home? YANBU and you need to talk it over with your sister. It may be the end of the relationship with her but if you don't say anything the resentment will kill it anyway.

Justusemyname · 23/04/2015 21:23

I think a lot of people who were the sister in this situation would have wanted to share the money or at least offer a lump sum.

Longdistance · 23/04/2015 21:24

Aww, I really feel for you. That's shit. If she has any conscience she'd give you the money.

BlinkAndMiss · 23/04/2015 21:24

I think your sister being left the house is fair enough, she lived there and contributed financially. However, when she sold the house she should have offered you some of the proceeds. Your mum most likely left her the house because she lived there but I don't think it's been very well thought out. Your mum probably didn't think ahead about her selling it, she probably assumed she would just keep it and therefore didn't think to put a clause in the will.

Sensibly, you should just put it to one side or if you feel that a conversation with your sister would help then do that. If you do decide to speak to her, make sure you know what you want the outcome of the conversation to be rather than leaving it to run it's course.

I'm probably very unreasonable but I'd be livid and not speak to her again. She sounds selfish. But I don't think that's the right way to deal with it.

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