To not want to go & see my sisters new house?

[Spoldge45]

Hello ladies, I am actually writing this on behalf of my DH as I thought it would get a wider audience than Dadsnet.

My sister who is 47 has lived in our family's original family home all her, thru 2 marriages & a child.

4 years ago our mother, who also lived in the house died. In her will she left the house worth £650k to my sister & her 12 year old son & £50k to myself & my young daughter, who at the time was 2.

Undeniably this was very hard to take, it felt as tho my mother didn't care about me & my family as much, despite me always being a very loving/caring son.

Eventually over time I came to terms with the hurt this caused, although it's still something I think about nearly every day. I paid a lump sum of our mortgage & got on with my life, still maintaining a very good relationship with my sister & her son.

2 months ago, my sister sold our family home & her and her 12 year old son downsized to a smaller property, worth £350k.

This I have found a lot harder to take...my sister now has a very nice house, with no mortgage & has in excess of £200k in the bank. While I have to carry on working & paying a mortgage until I am 75.

Since moving my sister has said absolutely nothing about the money situation, she has asked myself & my wife to go to her new house, but to be honest, neither of us feel that we want to.

Sorry I am not very good with emoticons!

I think you should say something.

I wouldn't be able to not say anything.

My mum proposed something similar a while back whilst sorting her will out - although it was a special clause she wanted which would have favoured one child. It actually made me feel sick that she would consider a) favouring or child over the others and b) not consider the harm it could potentially cause with our relationship once she'd gone.

It wasn't an argument, but I told my mum and sister I needed to talk to them and just explained how I felt. Hurt. I could cry just remembering how hurt I felt, so I can totally understand where you're coming from.

Talk to her, one to one and just tell her how the situation has made you feel and why you need time before you feel can visit.

I really feel for you.

I would definitely have to say how I felt and also I would not be able to see her again because the overwhelming sadness at being totally overlooked would be too raw.

So sad, I really feel for you.

can I just offer an alternative view? I recognise your situation a bit different from mine, but there are some similarities. I have an elder brother, who has a 12 year old DSS and a 4 yo DS. I have one DD.
After my marriage broke up I went to live with my parents, initially to be a temporary measure. DD was approx 1 year old at the time. Shortly after my father became very ill and was in hospital for many months. Although he recovered, he was left with a number of disabilities (balance and resultant mobility problems, poor lung function) although not needing nursing/24 hour care. He also had to retire early on ill-health grounds, so my parents had a reduced income (although still comfortable and had mum's income). Luckily, the house was easily adapted to meet dad's needs, so they didn't need to move. They only had 5 years or so left on the mortgage, so they were reasonably lucky.
I ended up staying and helping mum look after Dad, especially in the initial stages of coming home and mum helped me with childcare. I contributed to the mortgage and running costs of the house, which helped them financially. Unfortunately, my dad died last year- leaving everything to my mum (as would be expected). I still live with mum, it suits us. Maybe I'll move in the future, but no plans to at present.
My parents will (and now just my DMs will) leaves the house and her jewellery to me, the rest of the assets will be split between me and my DB. His share of the money will be put into a Trust (of which I am one of 3 trustees who will distribute the money according to terms of the will). He does not know this.
This may seem unfair, but there are reasons- I will get more partly as I have contributed to the upkeep of the house, although clearly I will be getting back more than I have put in. But more importantly, my DB is terrible with money and has got himself into significant debts (on more than 1 occasion, parents helped out the 1st time, not thereafter). His DW is similar. He has also had problems with drugs and alcohol. In the past he has stolen from my parents, and my grandmother when she was alive. He has grown up in many ways, and kicked the drugs (although still has intermittent alcohol problems). He is still terrible with money. My parents were worried he would waste the money and not use the money to actually benefit him or his family, so wanted it put into trust. Also, he has done little to nothing to help my parents- he only came to so our dad in hospital one 2 occasions (during nearly 8 months there) as he found it "too hard". He has done little since, and only visits when mum or I go to get them and bring them back. They don't drive, and would have to get a bus to the nearest village but they never do this. Mum just doesn't want him get a lot of money and blow it, or to not bother with them and benefit hugely from their handwork.
I could go against her wishes, to be seen to be "fair". I imagine my DB will be furious (and hurt) when he finds out, but that's partly down to his own actions.
OP- I'm not suggesting you have done anything wrong, but perhaps your DM had her reasons too? Maybe she felt your sister needed the help more? Maybe she felt that your sister had contributed to the house for some years (did she care for her too?)and that should be reflected?
Were you close to your sister before this? If so, my advice would be to either speak to your sister about it and tell her how you feel or put it to one side and move on.

Is there more to the story? I know of someone who will inherit most of their parent's estate while their sibling will not get much, but the sibling has used and abused the parents all their life (not hugely, but treated them like a cash cow, only going round when the sibling needed something and not helping the parents out ever). The friend has looked after and loved the parents.

I also have a friend who is not very well off and has two rich brothers with big houses. The rich brothers wives couldn't cope with looking after their husband's father, so it was left to my friend (she was happy to). He lived in her small terraced house for ten years (she had 4 grown up children, one still at home, and 3 dogs). I think they both enjoyed him living there. When he died he had left everything to the brothers, nothing but a dinner service to her. That I feel sad about.

Hi ladies, it's great to get some responses. Thank you

In answers to some of the questions. Yes my SIL did care for her mum after she was diagnosed with cancer although she died fairly suddenly after being ill for for about 3 months. We helped care too, but obviously as my SIL lived in the same house & worked part time,she did do more of the day to day care that ourselves. Prior to being ill mum also looked after my newphew 3/4 times a week while my sister was at work....so it was a very mutual arrangement.

Yes my SIL lived in the house her whole life, the 4 bed house was converted in to 2 flats & m MIL sold the downstairs flat to my SIL very for about £30k 20 years ago. So my SIL & her 2 previous husbands had a small mortgage on the downstairs.

My DH refuses to bring up the situation with his sister...but it's getting awkward as my daughter is asking why we don't see them anymore....i know one day, I will probably have to tell her the full story, but I really don't want to do that just yet, she is only 6.

No we are not rich...sadly! very average. We live in 3 bed semi, both work, we have one child, our daughter who is 6. Would of liked to of had another child but as DH is 52 & we still have quite largish mortgage, we made the desicion to only have one child.

We really don't want to come across as bitter or jealous, as these are traits I have never associated myself with before & I realise how unattractive they are.

But at the same time, I really do not want to go to my sisters house. The last time we saw them at Xmas, my newphew had new iPad/laptop etc...even tho previously they had always been very cautious with money (buying things 2nd hand/looking for a bargain etc..much like ourselves.).

At the moment our daughter is still too young to notice the disparity, but I know this will soon change & TBH I really don't want her to see it all when 'nanny' left her nothing?

So your MIL didn't leave your SIL a £650k house, as SIL had already bought half the house two decades before?

It's grossly unfair and your DH got the shitty end of the stick. His sister was on the scene so of course she did a bit of caring. Your DH would presumably have done the same if he'd been on the scene. Why is the carer 'paid' more anyway? It shouldn't be down to that. Parents need to realise that it will pretty much always split the siblings apart. Your DH's sister already benefited from buying a cheap flat - presumably a massive discount was given. It would have been fairer if the other flat had been split equally. So, if the two flats had been restored after your MIL died then your DH should have got at least a quarter - i.e. 25% of the £650k it sold for. The finer details should have been bashed out.

"Yes my SIL lived in the house her whole life, the 4 bed house was converted in to 2 flats & m MIL sold the downstairs flat to my SIL very for about £30k 20 years ago. So my SIL & her 2 previous husbands had a small mortgage on the downstairs."

That's a very different situation from your sister being left a £650k house. She already owned half of it.

I feel for you, too. Do you think your sister did a lot in terms of caring for your mother in her old age or simply keeping her company, spending time with her, doing shopping for her on a regular basis &c.?

I could be way off the mark here, and I hope I'm not offending you by bringing it up, but I know someone who was favoured in a will in this way because her mother felt she had always gone above and beyond without being asked, and "given" of a lot more than her siblings. Not saying it was right or fair...

Whilst I have some sympathy with your DH feeling raw about the situation, I would point out that he would never have been entitled to half the proceeds of the house, as your sister had a small mortgage on the lower flat and therefore owned it. You might feel she was given it at a low cost, but that is something your DH should have brought up at the time. He can't 20 years later put retrospective claims on the flat your sister bought, in my view (others obviously may disagree). Your DMs flat though is a slightly different matter- but again I wonder if your mother had her reasons. Maybe they were valid, maybe not. I would speak to her about it. Don't just cut her out- unless you genuinely don't want to continue your relationship.

Can I also suggest that your DD will not think "nanny left us nothing" unless you tell her that is the case. Even when she is older, it probably won't occur to her that her cousin lives in a bigger house/has more stuff because of the money her grandmother left them- unless it has been brought to her attention that there was some disparity in what was left. I probably wouldn't- for her sake.

If your sister owned half the house already then she didn't inherit as much but still more than 50,000. She also would have been great company and security for her Mom all those years so that has to be taken into account .. I come from a farming background and my parents left my brother the farm and all the rest of us nothing but did invest a lot in our education .. My brother had always been there and helpful and worked for very little .. None of us had one single problem with it. I think you have to let it go. If your sister wants to share she can but doesn't have to. Don't fall out over it if ye get on well in other ways.

"She left ... 50k to myself and my young daughter"
and
" she is still too young to notice the disparity, but I know this will soon change & TBH I really don't want her to see it all when 'nanny' left her nothing?"

Well, did she leave her nothing, or a share of £50,000?

So your MIL didn't leave your SIL a £650k house, as SIL had already bought half the house two decades before? No, but she split the other half (£325K) 50K to 275K. He's right to feel upset.

I do think that's a bit different OP.

Splodge are you two people? You start off as a man talking about your sister then become a female talking about DH/SIL.

Also, you really should have mentioned in your OP that Sister/SIL already owned half if the house. So she's been left £325k, you've been left £50k but she cared for DM/MIL? And presumably been on hand for 20 odd years?

Ah sorry, I see OP was on behalf of DH.

I suppose it comes down to whether you feel children have a right to half of their parents assets or not. I don't think you do, but I can understand that it might lead to feeling less valued by your parents- and that hurts. Should you cut your sister off because of this? Unless there are other problems in your relationship, then I would say not.

So the SIL bought the flat for £30k 20 years ago. Would that have risen in value to £325k 20 years later? Or even £300k - maybe joining the two flats together added some value. Maybe also she spent money on converting back in terms of getting rid of upstairs kitchen etc. Even so I would still say 20-25% of that £650k should have gone to your DH. Possibly the mother didn't realise the exact value of the house and thought £50k fair, which if might well have been if the mother was imagining the house was worth £400k. I think the SIL has come out of it well. It just depends how fair she is. I know I would have sat and worked it out as I have above and topped my brother up. It's the way I think - all fair and square, no arguments. I would have talked him through it, tell him the work/cost involved in getting the house back to one residence etc, solicitor costs in selling etc and then said this is how much I think is fair, what do you think?

I can understand how you feel

I couldn't do this to one of my siblings, i would pay off the Db's mortgage or a chunk of it. No wonder he feel's hard done by, 650K for her and 50K for you, sorry but i would find that hard to swallow as well, especially working every day to pay the mortgage while she is mortgage free.

I'd feel gutted if it were me to be honest (both from a financial position but probably more of an emotional position re. the favouritism of the SIL and the inequality of it) and think I would have to say something to the SIL. Even if it's approached on the basis that you are not asking for any money but that your DH feels awkward about the disparity between the way your MIL treated your SIL and your DH and that is why you don't feel like you can go around if it is out in the open things will be easier for all involved.

I think a frank discussion needs to be had. It's not a case of resentment towards your DH's sister, more the hurt around being treated in an unequal way by the MIL and the many implications of that.

Has a discussion ever been had about the significant financial difference in the proceeds? If so what was said? What did the sister feel about it?

If she is a reasonable woman she would be able to relate to the issues. She may not offer financial compensation but the rebonding that could take place once the issues are out in the open would be worth it.

On another note you have a decent sized house, have paid off a significant portion of your mortgage, your life situation is probably good and better than a lot of people's - including elements that may well be better than your SIL's (do you enjoy your lives? does she enjoy hers?). Financial wealth does not always equal happiness so look at what you do have and try to value it for that.

This happened to MIL. Her parents left the house to one of the children (big family). MIL has never expressed any bitterness. She accepts her parents' decision. But she's told her children that everything will be split between them equally, irrespective of their circumstances.

A friend is married with two kids and a large mortgage. His brothers never married and still live in the family home. The mother is leaving the house to the brothers who are at home as she doesn't want them moving into private rented/council housing at this stage in their lives. She gave the other brother a gift of cash. I don't know if the sum equates to what his share of the house would be.

As for your own situation, do you love your sister and her child? Is it important that you keep what's left of your family? They are your child's aunt and cousin after all. Or is your anger and disappointment such that you can't bear to see them again? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Also, will time make a difference? Will you still feel the same way in 6 months/2 years/5 years etc.?

You are absolutely coming across as bitter and jealous. Both of you. If it was such an issue it should have been raised at the time of your mil's death. I take it it wasn't and to my mind, your choice was made then and it is a terrible thing to let it rankle through your whole life to the point you won't even visit her now in her new home and your dd is being denied a relationship with her. You did get 50k fgs. It's hardly a shitty stick .

It's far too late to start trying to raise it now. In the end it was the mil's choice, she didn't leave you out, you're not on the breadline it seems so I think you should make a much more determined effort to really put this behind you and stop resenting your sil her good financial fortune. What about her 2 divorces? Not to mention having to live in a flat in her parents house? Life is a mixed bag you know.

It might not feel right to the OP but people have wills for a reason, that reason being they want it known how they wish their estate dividing. If people ignore the will it basically renders the will make powerless.

Expecting or asking the sister to redistribute the money would effectively go against the deceased will.

People arrange there wills as they see fit for various reasons and as hard as it may be for those left behind it has to be respected.

I hope you can get over the feelings of resentment for your sil and accept that your mil had her reasons for making such a will.