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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and PFB? Nursery related

72 replies

98percentchocolate · 23/04/2015 18:03

Am I being unreasonable and a bit precious?
Would really appreciate advice from people who have worked or work in nurseries.
Picked DD up yesterday and she was sobbing and not being comforted. They said she was overtired (dd says a child pushed her, nursery have no knowledge of this)
Left it to one side as the women each had another child on their laps at the time. The children weren't upset but I don't know that they weren't ten seconds ago.

Went today and she was sitting in a corner and sobbing her heart out again. On her own. The women in the room were folding washing and ignoring her.
DD says nobody gave her a cuddle whilst she was crying.
There have been a couple of other little incidents but they are more minor annoyances that we can dismiss. (Eg being told incorrect times to drop her off on first day, coming home with poo in her pants)

This has bothered me though. Personally I couldn't see a child crying like that and not give her a cuddle.
Is she in a crap setting or is this just standard?
I should say there were only two other children in the room at the time too.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
GobbolinoCat · 23/04/2015 18:48

Even it was standard it should not be. Awful.

I would not bother talking to anyone about it and simply get her out.

If the staff have not got it in them to comfort her without you asking them too, whats the point.

Dreadful Sad

Pico2 · 23/04/2015 19:00

Most of it sounds poor. The only bit I think might be ok about is not being outside for long. Our term has only just started and it probably takes a few days to get sun cream and hats for all of the children.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 19:11

Sounds very poor and neglectful. I woukd be having a word with the nursery manager, and withdrawing her. She has only recently been going, and already all these issues Shock.

babybythesea · 23/04/2015 19:17

Today I arrived to collect DD2 from nursery. (She's 2). She was also clearly overtired. The difference is that one of the staff was carrying her around, and she was fully snuggled in. All the other kids were outside and as I was due to collect her soon, they'd taken her outside with everyone else rather than try and get her down for a nap - she loves to be outside - but she wasn't in the mood to play so she was just cuddling. No tears, no drama, just cuddles.

No comforting when they're distressed is so many shades of wrong. Yes to a meeting, and yes, I'd be seriously looking at taking her out. I'd be concerned that a bad experience now will make it much harder than it needs to be for her to settle into a decent place come Sept as it will all have negative associations in her head.
Good luck.

Original poster
98percentchocolate · 23/04/2015 19:23

Baby - that's what I'm worried about. What if these negative experiences mean that she won't settle well at pre-school? I'd hate for this to be making things worse for her.

OP posts:
GobbolinoCat · 23/04/2015 19:26

98 she will be fine as long as its a good school, I understand why you have put her in but mine only attended casual groups and got used to nursery - pre school, they all do, dont worry, she does not need to be in this nurrseru

GlitteringJasper · 23/04/2015 19:33

I have two children and you aren't being pfb! I simply wouldn't send my child back there.

Don't! It sounds awful Sad

silverglitterpisser · 23/04/2015 19:45

Yanbu. I think, of all the things that nurseries can do wrong, not comforting an upset child is the worst! I'd rather have my child coming home soiled than feeling alone.

I had severe anxiety about putting my dts in nursery. I researched n interrogated every nursery then picked one n cried every single time I dropped them off n spent the hours they were there googling awful things, feeling ill, sobbing, pining n generally torturing myself. Not proud but being honest n am getting to a relevant point, I promise!

BUT it just gradually n seamlessly got easier n I am now almost at rest when they go. The reason for this is that I trust the nursery n staff in it. This trust has been earned over 8 months n that was only possible as a result of seeing how they do things.

They r marvellous! They really know my little ones n look after them so well (probably better than me! Hmm ) . They take time at the beginning n end of every session to brief n debrief n no query/request ever seems too much for them. One of my dts' keyworkers always says she misses him on the days he doesn't attend n all staff r tactile, smily n engaged. I have never seen n couldn't imagine anything like u describe.

What I'm trying to say is good nurseries n staff do exist. Both u n ur little should feel safe n content n secure in the knowledge that there is a substitute cuddler in place for when mummy can't be there. Peace of mind is priceless with ur precious kids. Move her, u both deserve better Flowers .

Moreisnnogedag · 23/04/2015 19:49

Nope that's terrible. A colleague once went to collect his dd from nursery when work finished very early. He found his dd (10 months) and another 2 babies screaming their heads off whilst the nursery nurses chatted. He went apeshit and called the other parents to let them know too.

Iggly · 23/04/2015 19:51

I would remove her immediately. She doesn't need to go.

Summerisle1 · 23/04/2015 19:52

This doesn't sound right at all. If she doesn't need to be there I'd remove her immediately. You certainly shouldn't have these concerns after such a short time at this nursery. Also, you don't want her experience here to put her off pre-school.

Pastaagain78 · 23/04/2015 20:04

That standard of care is unacceptable. Yanbu.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 23/04/2015 21:36

Trust your instincts. We pulled my little one from a nursery after a few days for these little niggles. I was worried and so I popped back randomly and watched on the cameras. Didn't like what I saw. Little one was coming home with injuries the nursery couldn't explain too.
I have never once regretted the decision to remove. You know what's best for your child.

thewavesofthesea · 23/04/2015 21:44

Cuddles and comfort are essential IMO for young children. Even the primary school my older son is at told us from the outset that if a young child was upset, they would cuddle them if needed, so many settings can be scared to do so sadly.

I would be taking her out; it would break my heart to think that my child was upset and crying alone.

And the lack of outside play is awful too; my DS2 (same age) always has the choice what to do and where to go for a lot of the day; and he often is outside in the middle of winter as well as summer!

MrsAmaretto · 23/04/2015 21:53

I would remove her. My children get cuddles at daycare & school nursery. They are both outside as much as possible at either setting too.

In her first week the staff would normally be doing everything to reassure & help your daughter.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 23/04/2015 22:01

Ex nursery nurse here. That is awful. Take her out immediately. Poor little thing if she has just started and still setting in she should be given extra care and support not left to cry. This is disgusting.
If I were you op I would be asking for a meeting with the manager of this nursery.. Take a list of all the problems you have had in the last two weeks and explain why your dd is not coming back!
(I would also think about whether to report to ofstead- this is neglect in my opinion- I'm sure ofstead would be very interested.)

sockmatcher · 23/04/2015 22:04

Nope she wouldn't return if I was in same circumstances.

Also what's the cut off date the council for taking funding elsewhere/ nursery not getting whole terns funding?

VashtaNerada · 23/04/2015 22:09

I would speak to the manager but keep an open mind (I actually can't think of a reasonable excuse for it but at least give them a chance to explain). A couple of times I've been unhappy with nursery but it's been resolved by having a proper chat and getting the full picture of what's going on. If you're not reassured after that conversation though, trust your instinct and look elsewhere.

oldbrownboot · 23/04/2015 22:26

this sounds terrible. my DS cried a lot in the first two weeks at nursery and, even though I was ok about it (he cried a lot generally as a baby), the nursery took it v seriously e.g. talked to me about what might help; phoned me at work to confirm things were ok after inconsolable at drop off; added special notes about crying episodes to his daily chart etc.

Jenni2legs · 23/04/2015 22:35

I'd move her, and tell them you won't be giving notice and the reasons why. My son was at a nursery and left in a poo filled nappy twice, about a month apart. I hour it was a genuine mistake the first time as I didn't smell it when I collected him, but the second time it sink and when I changed him his bum cheeks were bleeding... he must have been left like that for hours. I told him he wouldn't be coming back and to send me a check with my deposit.
Lack of physical or emotional care is not right, and can damage young children. You and your child deserve better.

Jenni2legs · 23/04/2015 22:40

^sorry for all the typing errors, on my phone and feeling Angry at the memory.

Original poster
98percentchocolate · 23/04/2015 22:45

Thanks so much for all of your advice. She definitely won't be going in tomorrow and I'll be ringing the manager first thing in the morning for an explanation. If I don't like what I hear then I'll remove her immediately and report to Ofsted. To be honest, my instinct is to remove straight away but up until today dd has been desperate to go and has very much enjoyed it. I'm torn between her enjoying it and wanting to go, and my thinking that it just isn't right. I may withdraw her and distract with other activities instead.

OP posts:
TiggerLillies · 23/04/2015 22:46

If they are not comforting her at pick up time when they know you will be around, I'd hate to know what label of care is going on when they're not concerned about setting a good impression.

Also I stand to be corrected, but aren't nurseries required to have free access to the outdoors throughout the day? If not a legal requirement it is certainly good practice to have lots of opportunities to go outside.

Original poster
98percentchocolate · 23/04/2015 23:02

Tigger - that's what DP said, so if she does end up going back for one last chance then they'll be getting spot checks from us at unexpected times.
I thought that about the outdoor play too - it was explained to me as they only have one garden and lots of children who want to use it, so they only get 30 minutes turn. When I went for a look around they said it was free flow and 3 hours! I dread to think what else they lied about.

OP posts:
TiggerLillies · 23/04/2015 23:18

Sorry, completely missed that point!