To expect some more support from OH?

[Sparkydo]

Help me out please ladies, I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. I'm going back to work after having my 2nd child after being off for 7 months. I've been suffering postnatal depression. I work 3 days a week as a GP and I'm now a partner so am expected to pull my weight a bit more. I'm on call effectively 8-6. OH works in the financial sector as a private contractor and has a long commute due to traffic - he leaves before 7 and gets back around 7 so I do all nursery drop off and pick up. If the boys are sick it's me who reschedules and comes home as he's self employed and works on a short term contract basis. Nursery hours are 8-6 and we live 15 mins away from work so mornings are doable if I get an emergency call. The evenings are trickier. If I get a late house call there's no one I can call locally to pick up the boys. We have no family. I've asked OH if he can come home early one night a week to ensure the boys are picked up. He said fine. But last night we had a massive fight and he says he's been leaving early every night to get home and it looks bad on him. I hadn't realised this. To top it all he's announced he need to go away with work overnight on the very day I'm going back to work, meaning I have to do everything myself whilst I'm on call for the first time in 7 months and I'm going to miss both an appointment with my therapist and a night out I have been planning for weeks. I understand he has work commitments but is it unreasonable for him to tell work he has family commitments too? Shouldn't we take priority? And how and I going to balance everything?? Sorry it's so long :-(

It sounds like you need a nanny to be honest. I hope it gets easier...sounds tough at the moment.

You need an au pair or a nanny. You actually need one.

I also thought a nanny is what you need.

You need more flexible childcare if your going to be on call.

In in the same position as you DP contractor and out 7-7.

Another option would be to use nursery with additional help - some of the staff at ours do babysitting etc, might be worth asking.

I think there are some jobs that push 'family commitments' down to second and that's contracting where you work for yourself.

At least as a partner as a GP you get to influence your family friendly working environment, he's working solely task based for someone else.

And the bottom line with two demanding jobs is you need help. And you can (I assume) afford good help.

I too think a nanny /Au pair is a better solution for you both as this provides flexibility for you both. It would be unfair for you to expect him to 'leave early' as he is contracted to work certain times.

I don't think YABU - his job can't trump yours or the kids all the time. It's not fair for him to expect to continue as normal with only you having to change anything.

I bet he has female colleagues who don't abdicate all family responsibilities to their husbands.

Even if you do go the nanny route, there will be times when he will need to suck it up and leave early, just as you will.

I also think you need a nanny.

Thanks for your replies. We live fairly rurally and I'm pretty sure I've exhausted all the few childcare options but I will ask at nursery if anyone can help a bit out of hours. I love this nursery and don't want to move them. I didn't think it would be this hard .

Theoretically Yanbu, how you would do the job of a gp if that's seen as the lesser career in the relationship i have no idea.

As other s say you need a nanny. Otherwise you are going to dash into work stressed and trying to emotionally process the drop off. You won't get chance to catch your breath before the first problem is landed on you.

Then it gets to about 4pm and there is a permanent knot of anxiety in case the next pt is a humdinger and its going to affect the pick up.

It's just a constant cycle of stress. (Not a gp work in primary care though)

Incidentally would they consider you doing a phased return? Seems a bit unfair to put you on the on call duty on your first day back.

It's not a good start, is it? While I agree with pp that you need flexible childcare YANBU to be annoyed and to expect a shift in attitude from your OH. It's not your job to build your life around your OH's so he is not put out and can continue as before - you already have a job. You both are responsible for your children and it's not unreasonable to expect changes and commitment from him.

Would an au pair alongside nursery be an option?

You need extra child care. Otherwise you are going to pop.

I'm seriously looking into a nanny alongside nursery. This may work but I'm not sure if there's any locally. The problem (believe it or not) is money - we have a massive mortgage and a lot of debt and our childcare is going to double until DS1 gets his funded place on September. We're both rubbish with money and I'm currently paying to see a therapist privately to get to the route of my depression as I feel that the NHS has let me down. But we will have to make that work. (I'm not complaining about money please don't get me wrong I know I'm very lucky).
I'm one of only 3 part time partners, one of whom is retiring soon so a phased return won't be possible. They are very understanding through and will help where they can.

I don't think extra childcare would really solve your fundamental problem, though, which is that your DH doesn't seem to think that he should have to adjust his working hours at all around his family. I think that's what you need to address with him.

I don't think it's got anything to do with the type of job he does, frankly - I bet if your jobs were reversed, he'd be telling you that he can't possibly commit to being at home because he's on call whereas you could be more flexible as a contractor.

Why are the childcare responsibilities (whether sourcing them or compromising your work position) all falling to you? Agree with notinagreatplace the issue is your DH is not doing the compromising or even collaborating with you to sort out the problem. They are his children too. The responsibility is not all yours.

And there is a correlation between PND and lack of support. Situational factors play a big part.

I've probably been a bit too controlling over the children so far. I probably take over too much. So it's naturally fallen to me to sort the childcare. X

Do get some extra help. I was in a not-dissimilar situation - DH working overseas for large portions of the week, and me in a hospital job. Constant clock-watching, dreading handovers that dragged, often late because nursery-work traffic was unpredictable. It made me sick. What changed things for me was changing job to somewhere slightly closer and much more supportive. We still had a rush in the mornings but evenings were much easier.

DD was often cared for by her keyworker those days when DH wasn't getting home until 9-10pm and I was on a night shift. We never got to the stage where I gave her a key and said 'see you at 9pm', but we came pretty close. I was lucky that I had family able to collect on my long shifts.

Some jobs just aren't very good at accommodating family. Some people aren't very good at asking their work to be more accommodating... Couldn't say which is the greater player here, but what I do know is that if my DH had to come home early once or twice a week, we would suddenly find he worked in the evenings and weekends a lot.

Can you negotiate with your other partners about doing more of the morning triage/on call sessions, even if it's just while you find some extra help.

Just a thought but would it be more practical to return to work 4-5 days a week and use the extra cash for additional help?
I can appreciate the position of having a good income but actually feeling v v strapped and it's not pleasant, not least because of the self recrimination as to how you could have done things differently.

DH and I both work in FT jobs where we are expected to put in the hours. He is also in FS and I used to be. He has to be at his desk by 9 whereas my employer is more flexible so he comes home for 6pm when our nanny finishes. We both [but particularly him just because he is male and expected to have a SAHM as far as I can work out] have to deal with employers who don't recognise that "I have to pick up my kids" is a HARD set in stone deadline. A nanny makes a difference but you can't take the piss with their contracted finish time and its a long day at the coal face of childcare so I'm loathe to make her hours even longer.

There are lots of employers in the City who are more than happy for contractors to work from home one day a week - in reality they often get more value from it as they work the hours they would otherwise spend commuting. If he is technical this should really not be an issue to sort. If he is financial or a trading sort, then nigh on impossible as risk controls won't allow it in most places in my experience. This would allow you to put in a long day in the practice and take the pressure off a little.

Could you physically squeeze in an au pair into your house? Bit of a hassle to have another adult around all week if you are only working 3 days though, but it might give you a bit of spare time for yourself. Is the pressure on you in the mornings or the evenings with work? [aside from a regular shift pattern to do lates or earlies?] My sister has a hybrid CM who comes to her in the morning, does breakfast, takes the kids to school and then heads to her own house. She does pick up at the CM's home in the evening. A friend has employed one of the nursery nurses to come in at 7am and get the kids to nursery so she can leave before they even get up. She is sure then that she can be home on time and she employs the nursery nurse as a babysitter and emergency carer if she is free. They generally get paid peanuts and often have an early or late shift at a nursery so are free first thing or around 3pm.

OP, I didn't get the impression from your post that your DH is failing to 'suck it up', failing to compromise, or indeed, expecting his job to 'trump yours'.

You actually said that he works long hours, and had been leaving early to try to help.

I just wanted to clarify as the default MN 'bash the OH' is sometimes a little grating and occasionally just not appropriate. Some people would not be able to 'adjust their working hours' without actually finding a new job; it's just not an option. I always feel slightly baffled that MN seems to think it's easy to just rearrange your employment terms, and if you don't, then you're being 'uncompromising.' Not necessarily the case here, but just saying.

I agree that some additional childcare options would help you immensely, and I hope you find a way to manage this situation to relieve the stress you're under right now.

The hours aren't there at the moment to increase my hours. Maybe in the future.
Working from home may be an option I guess but he changes his contract so often we couldn't guarantee he could get this every time he changes job.
All good helpful suggestions, thank you. The stress is mornings and evenings but mainly the evenings. I'm going to look for someone who can take the boys to nursery and pick them up and maybe give them dinner at home. No room really for an au pair and I like my space I don't want that.

Firstwetakemanhattan I think you're right really. In many ways I would like to think that OH is being unreasonable but he is trying and does pull his weight when he's here. He's a great dad. Unfortunately I think he's just in a difficult position. It's become clear I need to look at alternative childcare arrangements.

"I always feel slightly baffled that MN seems to think it's easy to just rearrange your employment terms, and if you don't, then you're being 'uncompromising.'" It's strange how so many women seem to be able to change their working hours and compromise (such as the OP despite her responsibilities in her job) and so many men can't, though, FirstWeTakeManhattan.

ask at nursery. we had one of DS's nursery assistants bring him home and babysit for a couple of hours on a regular basis when we had problem.
I would suggest that you look at nanny/au pair though - as it is actually harder when they are at school which i assume is not that far away

An au pair is not necessarily a lot of money - but could be a life saver for you.

There can be different numbers of hours they work, so if you are happy with nursery, the AP can bring them some mornings giving you some leeway to get away, and can do collections some evenings for you. She could have the house clean, and do dinner a couple of nights a week. If illness comes up, she could do the main cover in the day, with you organising all in the morning, going to work and popping back at lunch, and she just minding for afternoon.

We used to have an AP doing 20 hours (they can do 15 up to 40, depending on what you need - different levels of pocket money payable and usually number of hours agreed before arrival) and DD stayed in school/afterschool club but got home earlier a few afternoons to play with friends, and APs we had mostly did cleaning rather than cooking, but some cooked one night a week.

It was an intrusion into personal space at home, I really did appreciate that back when the last left - but it really did help at a time when we needed it. And all APs we had did language classes a couple of nights per week, which meant they also made friends and realistically, mostly spent every night and most weekends out once DH or I got home to take over.

If AP is really not an option (the only space they need is a decent bedroom of their own - we don't have ensuites for ourselves let alone AP!), do try to find a nanny or minder who can do evening collections for you - even if it's only 1 evening a week, that can take the pressure off you. We have now found a lady who collects DCs from local schools to bring to the afterschool club (doesn't stay in afterschool club, just drives the DCs there), who is very happy to do 1 hour in the mornings in our house to supervise DD (getting up, breakfast and out to school - realistically it's only breakfast and school) 4 days a week, and that is working well.