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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really dreading DS's birthday

29 replies

everyusernameisinuse · 22/04/2015 22:27

DS - year 1 - has aspergers. He was chatting today about what type of birthday he'd like.

I'm really dreading it. DH wants to do a big party for him - and of course I'd love to as well.

However, DS only got one invite to a party this year from a boy in his class. I know there have been other parties. DS is oblivious to this. I don't know if many children from the class would go to his party. He kind of plays on the periphery but joins in when he wants to.

There are not many children living near us that I could invite

I'm conscious too of other people being surprised at how little children are at his party and it bring obvious that he has issues.

AIBU to be really dreading this.

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 22/04/2015 22:32

U aren't being unreasonable at that sounds really tough do you know any of the mums well enough to talk to

wheresthelight · 22/04/2015 22:33

could people have misunderstood his needs and thought that it might be too much for him?

I would speak to some of the other mums and sound them out, you might be surprised at how many turn up.

NickiFury · 22/04/2015 22:36

In my experience in Year 1, everyone goes to the parties. It could be a good way of breaking down a few barriers and getting ds more noticed and involved. I have two dc with ASD, one 12, one 8 so there's been multiple parties and birthdays, last year (year 2) I did a whole year party for dd, every single child came and I think it went quite some way to increasing her social standing in her class. Five year olds like parties and will be excited about a brightly coloured invite in their book bag and will want to go to the party. Go for it .

LuckyluckyMe · 22/04/2015 22:37

Could you give him a choice of a more expensive special present instead of a party?

DD1 doesn't like parties so she has a choice to have no party and get a bigger present or have a party and get a smaller present. DD2 prefers the party to the presents.

IndecisionCentral · 22/04/2015 22:38

Can you not steer him towards a different sort of bday treat?

We went to a Wildlife park family experience for DS bday 1 year - behind the scenes tour with animal feeding etc. Was fantastic and DS thought it was the best thing ever.

Doesn't sound like a party would necessarily be the best thing?

kinkyfuckery · 22/04/2015 22:38

How about your DS, what does he want?

Luckyluckyme · 22/04/2015 22:38

Sorry if that didn't make much sense. I'm v tired.

Angelik · 22/04/2015 22:47

perhaps find out from teacher 2-3 children he plays with most and take them out somewhere. I did that with ds who turned 5 this year as I just don't have space or money to entertain 30+ children (frankly didn't want to either). took 3 boys to an indoor play place (picked one with lots of activities) and let them loose for a few hours. obvs paid for lunch halfway. they had a ball and it was easy for me. ds was chuffed with it. it's what you make it to be. once you have confirmations you can start building the anticipation which is mostly what it's about.

hope you find a way.

AmateurSeamstress · 22/04/2015 22:48

I think you need to power on through.

Soft play is good in that you can have literally any number of guests (up to 30ish) and it doesn't look odd. But it's only an option if he likes soft play, obviously. Cinema also works with any number and might be a bit less overwhelming.

I think, and hope, you'll be surprised how many acceptances you get. I have to admit my Y1 does decline invites from children he actively dislikes/is scared of, but apart from that he is always up for a party!

NickiFury · 22/04/2015 22:50

Agree that soft play is the way forward. The parents get a couple of hours free and don't have to pay, what's not to like? I think you'll be surprised actually. I know how you're feeling, I really do, went through it with both mine but it always worked out.

Original poster

everyusernameisinuse · 22/04/2015 22:56

The thing is his aspergers is quite mild so I dont understand why he's not been to more birthdays. He does sometimes play at the edges of the group and sometimes he likes to play by himself - but often in the mornings I've seen him running around looking very happy with the other children. I think the others don't take as much notice of him because he's not quite at their level socially.

I feel like I'm going to spend months dreading the party. I try to tell myself it's only one day but it doesn't help.

OP posts:

ImNameyChangey · 22/04/2015 23:00

If you ask them all then plenty will come.x

Original poster

everyusernameisinuse · 22/04/2015 23:00

If I did soft play I have aviation of us there with a tiny group of children - and the other parents thinking 'this is a bit weird'.

Yes I know I shouldn't care what others think but I can't help it.

Might end up having to risk it and send out invites and see what happens

I have noticed other mums at the school seem less interested in getting to know me. Maybe it's something to do with me or DS or both. Maybe they see DS is a bit different and figure he's not a long term option as a friend for their child so don't waste time with me. I do try to be friendly.

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 22/04/2015 23:05

Try not to worry. If you think it's just that the others don't take notice of him rather than that there is a problem socially then other children are very likely to accept his invitations, even if they haven't invited him to their own parties. Send them out about a month in advance and see what response you're getting.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/04/2015 23:11

How about the Facebook option at a push? It's happening quite a lot nowadays, explain the situation on a local page and ask if locals would come and bring their kids. Don't give loads of notice though, I'd say a week tops. If I lived locally I would drop a present round!

Or could you use this time to try and expand social circle? Are there any ASD support groups locally? I find other parents tend to be very supportive.

NickiFury · 22/04/2015 23:12

I don't think it will happen in fact I am massively confident that it won't . Send out to the whole class. I promise at least half will come, probably more. If I am close enough to you I will bring my kids and nephew!

AmateurSeamstress · 22/04/2015 23:17

OP our soft play has a 'playdate' package specifically aimed at 6-8 children. A birthday treat could just be to take 1 friend, or a handful. There is no 'normal'. 5ish friends to a craft centre is quite popular here. The ONLY person judging the party size will be you, I absolutely promise.

My eldest is 8 so we have done a fair few parties, and less is definitely more.
But anyway, I still reckon you will be surprised at the number of acceptances.

It is hard not to count invitations and take it personally, but it isn't that simple. A friend and I both have boys who play mainly with girls, and I think they lose out on invites because it is more automatic for girls to invite other girls, especially if they are doing anything dancey or princessy. And your son could be generally well liked without quite making the cut into many children's top few friends. It doesn't mean they don't like him or won't want tocome to his party.

You say you find the mums hard socially. Have you invited lotsof children over to play and not had return invitations back?

LowryFan · 22/04/2015 23:18

Talk to the other parents, start a FB group of 'school mums', explain your child's needs a little. I encourage my DC to be friends with everyone but if I know a certain child has extra issues, I encourage my DC a lot more. I think if DC are lucky enough to find it easy to make friends, they owe it to other DC to help them. So understanding your situation would mean I make more effort for my DC to go to the party.

Kleinzeit · 22/04/2015 23:19

My DS also has Aspergers, he wanted a “proper” party throughout primary school. At that age we invited about 15 kids, mostly from his class at school, usually at a softplay/ballpit/trampoline-type centre. Most would come, at a softplay they don't have to be close friends they'll just run around and have fun anyway. DS wasn’t brilliant at softplay but it would be OK so long as DH and I were keeping a close eye, we usually asked a couple of our friends to help out, put food out etc. I hoped that would cut both ways, inviting other kids would give them a bit of an obligation to invite him back – not everyone did but it did help. And my DS would usually get over-excited and have a huge meltdown towards the end of the party but I decided not to worry, he never really seemed to focus on it afterwards and just remembered the good bits. It didn’t seem to bother the other kids much either.

To be honest I always found his parties very stressful but worth doing because DS did enjoy them. I just looked forward to being able to unwind with a large gin afterwards!

But it really does depend on what your DS wants? If he really prefers a family “day out” etc then that’s fine too.

Original poster

everyusernameisinuse · 22/04/2015 23:38

DS would enjoy a big party - unfortunately!

He has a little brother so might do a combined party to boost numbers but would be conscious maybe some of the bigger children might think he is having babies - we'll 4 year olds at his party. Some of the children in DS1's class seem quite aware and tease a bit if they spot something babyish.

I wish I knew more people with children DS's age. Oh well!

Might risk a party and try to put the worry out if my mind for a few months

At what age do the big parties stop? When he's older he might be more left out if the rest form little groups and he's on the fringes.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 22/04/2015 23:40

6yo DS has ASD, and we invited about 15 kids to his Y1 party this year. Most came.

He had a whole class party last year in reception at soft play, and lots - but not all - came to that.

I was dreading DS's party this year. But he was adamant that he wanted one, and so we went with organising one that fitted his requests, and that we thought we could manage. DH found a great entertainer. DS didn't want soft play (and he doesn't do well in soft play). We had a much more structured approach - although it had plenty of over-excitement - than most of the parties DS has been to.

We found the party itself pretty stressful. BUT. DS had a whale of a time, and not a single issue. Some of the other DCs were a handful, but everybody survived, and DS had loads of happy feelings. He was on cloud 9 for about a fortnight after his birthday.

So it was definitely worth it for us. After so many dark times, particularly over the past year, we will bear a lot to see our DS carefree and joyful.

I do find the school gate chit chat a bit hard - especially at the times when things have been most difficult with DS and I have felt like I had little in common with the other parents. Quite a few parents now know about DS's diagnosis, and have been very supportive. I get the impression that this can vary from school to school.

Do you have one or two parents who you talk to, who you could sound out about a party? It is odd, in my experience, for your DS to have had only one party invitation - although there is a bit of reciprocity in invitations, and if you didn't have a party for him last year, that might be contributing. With ASD, you do need him to have the opportunities to practice skills and be successful.

ashtrayheart · 22/04/2015 23:43

We are doing a bowling party for my dd who will be 6 next month, I couldn't face another big party! Would your ds fancy something like that?

kiwimumof2boys · 23/04/2015 05:39

Oh God I so know how you are feeling! my DS1 has mild autism and has had a bit of a rough week. His birthday is coming up on Sunday, and he has invited 4 friends from school, 2 can come, 1 can't, and the last one i've not heard from (his mum can be quite tricky but thats another story).
Luckily my good friend's DC - 1 girl his age (doesn't go to his school) and another younger 1 are also coming to make up numbers, and his godfather who is young, single and 'very cool' who DS adores will be there.
Are there other people you can invite ?
I am dreading it as unsure how DS is going to cope - is usually OK but can get set off by minor things (earlier this week was in tears at school pick up as the day schedule changed and they went to another classroom for something else). Also found out that one of the 'friends' who he invited has been 'pushing' him this week .
So will be glad when it's over!
Good luck - its hard when kids are only mildly ASD.

littlejohnnydory · 23/04/2015 08:09

I honestly think it will be fine and in year 1 people tend to go to every party they're invited to whether they're special friends with the birthday child or not (unless of course they're busy). But I honestly wouldn't think it was odd if I took my child to a party with only a small number of children there, I'd just think 'how lovely that they've had a small, select party and chosen my child to attend'. For my ds's birthday last year we went to soft play with three friends. Many pepple choose a smaller number for financial reasons or because their dc prefers it.

Be very careful about passing your anxiety about popularity on to your son. I once had a disco party as a child that a lot of people couldn't make. I was thrilled with my party until my mum and gran started mentioning it being a shame nibody came and I went from feeling happy to feeling that it wad somehow a flop.

chanie44 · 23/04/2015 08:49

My ds is in reception and has only been to one party since he started . I was worried he was Billy no mates. I asked the teacher if there had been many parties and she said no.

Ds is having a party this weekend and we've invited the whole class. I don't often do the school run, so I'm using it as an opportunity to meet other parents and talk to them.

I think soft play is the way to go.

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