To ask nursery/parents not to let toddler nap or am I 'controlling'?!

[PenelopeChipShop]

I work p/t, mostly 3 but sometimes 4 days a week. My DS is 2 years 9 months and spends two days in nursery and either one or two days (depending what week it is) with my parents while I'm working.

He has never been a 'good sleeper' but long story short, I think he's ready to stop napping and that it will improve night time sleep.

Nursery put all the toddlers down for a nap for an hour or so. When he's with my parents they try to go for a drive so he'll snooze in the car seat, and I suspect this is about 1.5 hours. Trouble is, on those days his bedtime is getting later and later - when I've been at work I obviously want to spend a bit of time with him after getting in, but even aside from that I'm finding I can't get him to settle til about 8.30/9pm which is surely too late for a toddler??

The odd thing is he definitely sleeps worse when he's gone to bed later - wakes up more often and gets up earlier in the morning (think 5.30/6am!) after a late night, whereas when he's settled at 7 he'll sleep til 6.30/7am.

So I think it's best to drop the naps and try to get him doing a good long sleep EVERY night for his own benefit. Asked my mum to try not to let him sleep today and got a big long lecture about being too controlling and how naps are good for them and bedtimes don't matter.

Very rich coming from her since I DISTINCTLY remember being put to bed early at a much older age and not being allowed to watch programmes I wanted etc!! AIBU to say I am in charge of his routine, or is this one of those things you need to 'let go' if they're in someone else's care?

The thing that bothers me is that I feel he's constantly a bit sleep deprived - I just want him firing on all cylinders and truly think stopping napping will help him sleep BETTER!

Thanks longdiling, I have no doubt the nursery WOULD do as I ask actually - they're very good and I think some of the older ones don't nap anymore so there would probably be some kids up anyway during nap time, but the nursery days are probably less of a problem anyway as they sleep from about 12, so even if he has an hour he's up from 1/1.30 - still quite a long way from bedtime.

I'm more frustrated by the fact that my parents always try to engineer one by going for a drive, but quite often that's later in the day and if he isn't up from a nap til 3 it's clearly going to be a late bedtime. I think they do it to get a break but don't want to admit that.

I kind of feel bad as clearly they are helping me out, but I think my mum can be quite controlling about doing what 'she thinks best' and hates any input from me. She can't see the bigger picture - yes he's 'tired' when she sees him as he has had a bad night the night before. But what I want to do is break the cycle of him always being tired in the day by consistently getting him to sleep better at night times - if he was always as full of beans as he is after his decent nights' sleep, NO WAY would he drop off in the car!

The trouble is lack of opportunity to get a routine going as the week is always broken by work. I might try to use our holiday next month to get rid of them and if he comes back in a good routine then maybe he won't nap at childcare anyway!

Another one who thinks YANBU. DD is only 17 months but sleep most certainly doesn't breed sleep here, naps have to be limited to an hour and up by 1.30pm otherwise nightime sleep is non existent. I suspect all those who say 'let them sleep if they're tired' have never had the issue of a nap in the day resulting in 3 less sleep over 24 hours, resulting in an even more tired toddler!

Sounds like a good plan OP. My two eldest were totally 'sleep begets sleep' kids and still are. It's not that simple for all kids though.

DS1 has weaned off naps slowly at age 3-4. In the early phase it was pretty grim either way. If he did nap, he wanted a 3 hour epic that ate into his nights sleep. He often crashed out in the reading corner at nursery.

At 4, he will occasionally crash out at 5pm or in the car, and that definitely makes for a long evening.

I'm all a bit at all these toddlers still napping! My DS gave up napping dead on two years old. His sleep has improved enormously since then though.

My twins stopped any kind off naps the day after 1st birthday....not even in the car they were Up at 630 bed at 7.

They are now 6 and are still up at 630 and upstairs for bath story bed at 7.

Older dd stayed with my mum while I worked I mum would encourage a nap in the afternoon and be full of appoligise when I picked up a sleeping todlar at 5pm who was then awake until about 930... In fact she didn't really settle with sleep until the twins did.

So yabu about naps.... You should just have twins that will sort it :-)

I asked nursery to limit naps to about half an hour at that age to help with sleep at night. The "sleep breeds sleep" theory may work for some children, but they're all different! Mime's consistently needed an hour or so less than average.

My nursery were quite happy with this - they saw their job aa (within reason) supporting parents in how they wanted to parent

I once had a parent ask me wake their toddler up after 10 minutes
What is the point of 10 minutes?
I thought it was very cruel and I actually left that nursery as the manager and owner thought it was OK
Would you not feed a starving baby on the basis that it had already been fed a couple of hours ago?
Sleep is the same. If they fall asleep its because they need it. Its essential for healthy development

YANBU. My dts dropped their nap at 2.5yrs, it turned into "let's trash our room" time. So I gave up trying and they were fine. I never quite 'got' the afternoon nap though, mine were always dopier in the morning, so dropped afternoon nap first - morning nap seemed "safer" and further away from bedtime
Think if they are going to insist on taking him out for a drive (where do they go??) could you ask that they at least go earlier in the day?

It seems to be fair for there to be a fair bit of leeway where family are the unpaid carers, but I would not be happy with DC being driven around that much. Also know the pain of never getting any time because DC have had naps and are up late! One of mine was like this for a looooong time and now goes to bed early and angelically, amazing!

It sounds like you have a wider issue with your DM. Can you afford more paid-for childcare?

hardly unusual for a child of that age to not nap. dd stopped around 13 months . ds2 stopped ages ago and turned 3 last month. ds1 napped until well past 3, good boy .

Anyway I'd say that it is fine to ask them to not deliberately put him down for a nap but say that of course of he is shattered let him have a cat nap.

YANBU. You know your child & you're the one who has to get them to bed at night & up in the morning. My DD is like this, she's always been a sleep refuser, she was dropping her nap by 1st birthday - it would be alternate days, then every third day etc. She now only naps when ill (not always even then) & she's only just turned 3). She definitely sleeps much worse if she has had a nap, especially if it finished much after 1. This is partly why I don't like family taking her for days out - they tire her out then drive back late & she sleeps all the way back. So we stopped letting them take her (after several requests not to do this, went ignored).

You are definitely not BU. We had this issue with DS - they put him down for a nap at nursery and although he never napped at home, he's the sort of conformist child who would sleep just because the other kids were. And then not go to sleep at night until 11pm or later :-/

Nursery were persuaded that if he slept, it was because he needed to - well, of course he did, because his sleep rhythms were all messed up by unnecessary napping! We stopped sending him in the afternoon and made alternative arrangements.

I also found that a nap + a late night led to earlier waking.

My Toddler got MUCH more sleep overall once he dropped his nap. He wouldn't go to bed until 11 or 12pm, I'd be kept up waiting for him to fall asleep. So You're definitely not BU.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I had a really crappy sleeper with second DC2. A nap would often me a 10pm bedtime and broken sleep. On workdays I get up at 6 am so I was exhausted. I, like previous posters, would cry when nursery would say 'lovely long nap at 3pm'. I had to get quite strict and touch wood everyone is getting more sleep now

YANBU. My dd dropped napping very early (am not sure she ever napped very well, tbh, beyond the baby stage!) We definitely saw an improvement in her night sleep under two, when naps were completely dropped!
Sounds like your nursery will be fine with this, but the grand parents might be tougher to convince! Would you be happy to suggest that, rather than the car-induced nap thing, they build some down-time into your dc's day with them -maybe watching tv/a DVD for an hour? That way your dc gets to relax, avoiding possible afternoon fractiousness, plus they get some free time to get on with stuff in the house. I know not all parents are up for this, but if you're ok with it, might work as a compromise?

YABU! If you want your childcare "just so", you should pay for it! If your parents have your child one or two whole days a week (lucky badstard!) they are probably in need of a little me-time mid afternoon.