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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery/parents not to let toddler nap or am I 'controlling'?!

68 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 21/04/2015 12:17

I work p/t, mostly 3 but sometimes 4 days a week. My DS is 2 years 9 months and spends two days in nursery and either one or two days (depending what week it is) with my parents while I'm working.

He has never been a 'good sleeper' but long story short, I think he's ready to stop napping and that it will improve night time sleep.

Nursery put all the toddlers down for a nap for an hour or so. When he's with my parents they try to go for a drive so he'll snooze in the car seat, and I suspect this is about 1.5 hours. Trouble is, on those days his bedtime is getting later and later - when I've been at work I obviously want to spend a bit of time with him after getting in, but even aside from that I'm finding I can't get him to settle til about 8.30/9pm which is surely too late for a toddler??

The odd thing is he definitely sleeps worse when he's gone to bed later - wakes up more often and gets up earlier in the morning (think 5.30/6am!) after a late night, whereas when he's settled at 7 he'll sleep til 6.30/7am.

So I think it's best to drop the naps and try to get him doing a good long sleep EVERY night for his own benefit. Asked my mum to try not to let him sleep today and got a big long lecture about being too controlling and how naps are good for them and bedtimes don't matter.

Very rich coming from her since I DISTINCTLY remember being put to bed early at a much older age and not being allowed to watch programmes I wanted etc!! AIBU to say I am in charge of his routine, or is this one of those things you need to 'let go' if they're in someone else's care?

The thing that bothers me is that I feel he's constantly a bit sleep deprived - I just want him firing on all cylinders and truly think stopping napping will help him sleep BETTER!

OP posts:
Itsalldramarama · 21/04/2015 12:52

Tbh nursery shouldn't be "putting the toddlers down for a nap " the EYFS is supposed be tailored to individual needs , long gone are the days of nap time for every child ! If they are tired let them sleep , we have children where I work that need a sleep and some that don't . Some parents have said not to let a child sleep but this is unfair on the child ( sobbing with tiredness ) staff ( can't pacify the child ) other children ( get distressed because of the crying tired child ) ... Etc etc . Upsets the whole room . So I wouldn't keep a child awake if they needed sleep . ...... They only fall asleep on the way home anyway !

nutellawithbananas · 21/04/2015 12:58

Can you ask them to control the length of nap? Or at least a time to wakeup?
What works for us is to ask that he is never left to sleep beyond 3.30 which helps us with a decent night time routine

TheBookofRuth · 21/04/2015 12:59

I disagree entirely with the "sleep breeds sleep", it simply isn't true for all kids. It works for my DS - the more he naps, the better he sleeps - but not for DD, who was a truly dreadful sleeper till she stopped napping and now sleeps through for 11 hours a night, no bother.

SuperMumTum · 21/04/2015 13:02

My DD was very similar. A terrible sleeper at night so often crashed out in the car or pushchair for hours if we let her, even at 3. DP would always encourage her to have a snooze in the day as, tbf, she needed it after being up half the night and it tended to improve her mood a little but it was a vicious circle. Luckily she was having too much fun at nursery to nap and they didn't encourage it unless she actually fell asleep in her lunch so those days were the easiest to get her to bed. I would ask GPs and nursery to keep the naps as short as possible and try and make sure he's getting plenty of fresh air and exercise in the afternoons to get him ready for a decent stretch of sleep at night.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 21/04/2015 13:02

Tarka your post made me laugh!

Teddy his behaviour is fine with me if he doesn't sleep… I find that the rhythm of our days is to do an activity good and early (park/playgroup/friends/whatever), come back for lunch and quiet time - this is either laying on the sofa reading (literally snuggled under a blanket) or maybe stickers/colouring or even a bit of TV if he's feeling a bit contrary, then he gets a second wind mid-late afternoon and we play at home or in the garden. He will deny he's sleepy right up to after bath time then fall asleep in his bed within 10 mins!

Whereas if he naps he takes at least an hour to 'come round' from it and is grumpy as hell, only truly perks up again around tea time and then carouses around the house until all hours, only to wake at 5.30am and the whole thing starts again….

This is a problem created by me working, really. If I was home with him I would just stop them and give him a consistent, early bedtime. But because I'm not with him every day he has one routine for work days and one for home days. Doesn't anyone think that's a bit crap?

OP posts:
Mrsbigley · 21/04/2015 13:20

Interested in answers here as have very similar situation to OP with my DD- who is 2 and a half. On some days we have naps and sometimes don't. She does go to sleep at night easier on the no nap days but is pretty miserable and tired from around 5pm. Similar to OP not getting toddler to bed until 9 (945 last night!!) on days she has naps so hard to know what to do. Have to 'force' DD to nap with pushchair or car (always been the case) so easy enough to not let her nap. I've been seeing it as a transition phase and just trying to ride it out. Could be worse- DD used to only sleep on me after being fed to sleep for the first year- naps via pram/car was a welcome relief. Wouldn't say you are controlling at all OP- just trying to see a way through. And Trying to get a toddler to sleep for 2 hours every night is bloody frustrating!

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 13:25

I think different routines is just a thing that happens nursery is a more structure setting so they will do a b c at t certain times and with grandparents it will be x y z its fine not to be so rigid imo I dont think you can dictate to gp how his day goes as much as you could with nursery iyswim im quite surprised they put nearly 3 yr olds for naps but you could say you prefer he doesnt

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 13:27

Tell his gp you are dropping the nap and they need to wake him

Uhplistrailer · 21/04/2015 13:29

If he's Tired at nap time, then YABU

I'm a childminder and have recently been to 2 different training courses that talked about the importance of sleep and we MUST let children sleep if tired.

I've just started implementing a policy that says I won't keep a child awake if tired, but will discuss the best time of day and amount of time for their child to nap with the parents.

As another poster said, sleep breeds sleep.

Uhplistrailer · 21/04/2015 13:30

Having said that, an hour might be a little long for a 2.5yo

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 13:49

Yeah an hour is quite long 1 of mine couldve fallen asleep on a knives edge there was no keeping her awake i used to wake her

DixieNormas · 21/04/2015 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 21/04/2015 14:03

Aaargh there is never ONE rule for all children, that's what they should say on childminder courses!!

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 21/04/2015 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchtooold · 21/04/2015 14:11

YANBU. I think it is very hard for us on the MN jury to judge what the answer is for a 2y9m old who is a bad sleeper - could be more napping would help at that age, could be less, but you know him best! Mine are 3 - today! - and the nap is facilitating/causing a later bedtime, about 9pm, which suits us for now as I have a long commute, but I'm stopping working shortly and I'm planning to either stop or restrict the nap to see if I can bring the bedtime back earlier.

Talk to the nursery and see what they think? Our UK nursery was always very good with ages and stages and when to drop naps/do potty training etc. Are there pre-schoolers at his nursery who he could hang out with during nap time?

Honsandrevels · 21/04/2015 14:22

My dds nursery won't stop a tired child from sleeping. My heart does sink on days when she has napped as I know bedtime will be a bit later. She's 4 though and stopped napping for me 2 years ago! Nursery is v full on with less downtime and she likes a rest. At home she has a lie down but rarely sleeps.

You could suggest a post lunch rest at the GPs rather than a car ride after lunch. If your dc falls asleep I'm not sure what they can do really. It isn't as simple as waking them up, not in my experience.

TwinkieTwinkle · 21/04/2015 14:24

If he didn't need the sleep then I doubt he would be napping. My son stopped napping through they day when he was relatively young. At nursery he used to just lie quietly when the other kids napped, no problem!

MrsCaptainReynolds · 21/04/2015 14:28

I think that if you want to change his routine in any major way, do it when you have a couple of weeks off. Set the routine as you see fit, decide if it actually works on a day to day basis, then tell your paid childcare providers what the routine is. If your parents are unpaid and not willing to go with your routine you'll either have to suck it up or go completely with paid childcare.

Almostapril · 21/04/2015 14:31

Dixie both mine were the same as yours. Afternoon nap meant up at 10-11pm whilst I was desperate to go to bed. Then they would get up at 6. Then nap at 2....
I insisted nurseries (x3) did anything they could to keep them from napping. Yes they are tired and cranky at 5pm. They however then sleep 7.30-6.30

redexpat · 21/04/2015 14:38

YANBU. They get older, their needs change. One of the boys at daycare stopped napping when he was 2. Ds now naps twice a week at nusery on the days when they have a busy morning and he is 3.6

Morelikeguidelines · 21/04/2015 14:41

Yanbu. Sleep didn't, doesn't breed sleep in either of mine.

If either nursery or parents are purposely getting him to sleep (I.e. He is not just dropping of oown accord) I think yanbu to ask them not to.

With parents it's harder as they are doing you a favour and might not be able to manage the whole day unbroken (I guess this is the case ).

With the nurnursery you are paying them so they should definitely follow your rules.
You are not paying them to have your ds sleep all day!

Generally I think the person who has to.deal with bed time gets to make sleep rules.

GraysAnalogy · 21/04/2015 14:44

If he's sleepy then the best thing for him is to have a little nap. He's so young, not worth him feeling crappy and cranky because they're forcing him to stay awake.

mewkins · 21/04/2015 14:49

I agree with you (but trying to get the others to listen is the hard bit as they don't have to deal with bedtimes!). I wouldn't go cold turkey though - limit naps to an hour, then 45 mins and then 30 mins over a few weeks. My dd was the same. Sleep breeds sleep only works up to a certain point and it's different for all kids. Dd didn't need more than 20mins after the age of two.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/04/2015 14:51

No ynbu. Nap times don't work for every child/family. Esp when they interfere with sleep.
Don't listen to those telling you you're b.u and controlling.

You're paying for a service. They're (nursery)not doing it as a favour

longdiling · 21/04/2015 14:55

I'm a childminder and I completely get where you're coming from op! My youngest was exactly like your child and an hour of sleep in the day could result in 2 or 3 hours sleep being lost in the night. All this letting them sleep whenever is short sighted and isn't alwayd best for the child. I want to maximise the amount of sleep my kids get in a 24 hour period and sometimes naps work against that. I would ask nursery and parents to stop actively getting them off to sleep and only let him sleep if he zonks out. And then only for an hour maximum. The nursery at least should work with you on this - I do with my parents. I have a little one just like my daughter and if he happens to fall asleep I let him have a quick catnap of 15-30 minutes, no more.