To ignore my three year old when he is having a tantrum?

[thewavesofthesea]

This morning, out in local town with my 3 year old. Starts having ridiculous, but entirely normal tantrum ( wanting the buggy as didn't want to walk, but buggy was at home as he said he didn't want it )

Walking through town, cue shocked faces and tuts, particularly from older people, one of who told him and told him he was naughty and was going to go to jail! I just ignored him however, he did actually walk with me despite his protestaions but screamed the whole way.

This is not an uncommon thing. He had tantrums. I assume this us normal. He does possibly look a bit older then 3 which might account for it: but the number of people who look at me like I'm either neglectful for leaving him crying or a bad mother who is not disciplining him properly!
For what it is worth, he does have a hot temper, but is generally pleasant and beautifully behaved at nursery. He knows how to behave, just chooses not to with me! ( which again, is normal!!)
AIBU?

Not at all.

I hated the judgey looks and comments when DS2 put me through that sort of nonsense.

Which is why I smile encouragingly at mums out and about with their DCs now.

Carry on the good work!

YANBU. I used to throw strops at DS when he started. literally stamping my feet in the middle of shops! it worked a couple of times, got some proper funny looks though (no idea why) but yeah I mostly ignored and he is fine

Gosh who cares?

Ignore ignore.

I think when you're with a child in public who is having a tantrum, it's easy to imagine everyone is starting and tutting...because your blood pressure goes up and you feel embarrassed at the attention being drawn to you/your child.

In actual fact, I think most people are just looking in your direction because the noise has naturally drawn their eyes to you/your child.

And some will of course be remembering the tantrums their own kids threw.

YANBU, in my experience people are more supportive if you ignore a tantrum than try to placate the child by giving in, giving them sweets etc.
My son was a nightmare at age 3 and our 60 year old neighbour told me he'd seen him out of the window having a tantrum because I wouldn't carry him to the car and said "and you didn't give in - good for you!"

What Worra says! I'd be thinking of tantrums past!
I'd also be willing you on in my head to stay strong and continue ignoring. Reasoning or giving in to tantrums are not the way to go.

DD threw a massive tantrum in the supermarket the other day. Screaming, rolling around on the floor and blocking the aisle. I just lent back on the freezer and got out my phone and said to her "I'm just going to read my book, let me know when you are finished." and totally ignored her. I got smiles and laughs from the three people who had to step over her to get to the yoghurts! She was so offended that people were laughing that she stopped got up and hasn't thrown another like it yet

We have been tutted at before, but I ignore them. Actually, a lot with DS, not so much with DD although I could just be immune to it now. I have a friend who went for the placate route and every time her Dd had a tantrum she gave her sweets to keep her quiet. She had more problems in the long run!

If I see a child having a tantrum, I'm just grateful it's not mine!

we get wonderfully judgy cats bum looks if DD is kicking off. She only does it really in queues as she gets stressed waiting. She looks 10 but is 8 and can't speak so she makes whingy noises.we manage it by explaining to her 'it's not long now, not long now' and yes, giving her sweets. People always look stonily away with a look of disapproving outrage on their faces, rather than staring. I bet they are thinking 'no wonder that child still has tantrums at that age when the parents reward them for it'.

So basically you can't change what people think and if they are tutting then sod em, you are doing your best.

A woman tried to engage me in bitching about a toddler having a tantrum in supermarket. I couldnt believe it. The child was 2. she said 'it's terrible, they just don't know the meaning of the word no these days, that's just disgusting" and went on and on. For one, the kid was learning the word no and that was why they were having the tantrum.

I said "well no, the child is 2, that's what they do he then they grow out of it". She wasn't impressed.

Definitely ignore the judgy tutters. They are all ignorant IME.

I suppose it depends where you ignore him. I have seen children being ignored in the aisle when the film has just finished. Not a good tactic, mum. But, if it's in a field, far away from anyone, then fine, ignore away.

I'm with worra, I usually look over because it's a loud sound, all I'm thinking is "thank god I'm not the only one whose kids throws tantrums in public".

I had a very frustrated tantrumer when Ds1 was 2, which coincided with being heavily pregnant and using crutches, so ignore was about my only strategy. (His awkward combination of allergies requiring shopping from 4 different supermarkets ruled out the wonders of Internet shopping, so we had many tantrums polishing the floors of the supermarkets)

He was the type better left to fizzle out after 15 minutes rather than risking life and limb trying to soothe him.

YANBU. Little kids need to learn how to get over it themselves when the universe doesn't conform to their expectations - it's an essential skill. You figure out how to deal with your one (my tantrummer needs about 5 minutes of kicking off, then a cuddle once she's accepted the reality of her situation) and you're the expert in your child so trust yourself.
The world (and the internet) is full of tutters with half baked ideas about child rearing which basically boil down to "please make sure I am protected from ever hearing your child or having to step out of the way for them". They couldn't give a stuff about whether it's the right thing for him to pacify him or let him cry. Ignore them and trust your own judgement.

I think sometimes it's easy to think everybody is tutting and staring, because we are mortified and just assume they are. I think most people are sympathetic or just drawn to us because of the commotion.

I just think about how I react when I see another parent dealing a tantrum, and i just feel bad for them and hope for their sake it is over soon! And stop looking in that direction. I hope most people are the same when it happens to me!

For the minority who do tut and pull their faces, they need to piss off and concentrate on their own lives

YANBU, people are too quick to hook up their judgey pants. If I catch the parents eye I always tell them 'Don't worry, it's does get better. They leave home eventually'. Don't know if the appreciate it though just trying to show them some support and not all old people are tutters or nutters.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ignore them, although with my dd the best thing was just to stop and have a cuddle. Her tantrums were normally out of hunger, tiredness, boredom or frustration so usually she just needed a little love to regroup and get over whatever had made her upset.

I do remember though once when I tried hugging her and she kicked me that ended up being am ignore she exists moment. Took alot if interest I'm take flowers that day!

Urgh my 3 year old had a massive tantrum on a packed bus last week,all because she lost a sticker. A cats num faced woman sitting in front of us kept turning around and glaring,silly bitch
Next came the snot bubbles so literally had to try and wipe her nose,queue more tantrums and some clever twat pipes up "oh she's made her worse now". Thanks for that,it was so helpful. Debated whether to get off the bus so lo could try and calm down. I thought feck them. I'd only get off if the driver asked us to,which he didn't.

I don't know. I can only go from experiences being in public. In the UK parents let their child throw the tantrum with the idea of "ignore and don't encourage" in Lyon (where I'm based), parents shut the tantrum down immediately. If that doesn't work then they pick up the child and just leave. I've seen kids being bundled out halfway through a food shop, from a metro, from a chocolate shop.... I have no idea where they go!

From a random spectators perspective the second approach is much more pleasant.

I honestly do get that dealing with tantrums must be really hard, but it does irk me a little when people portray it as "THIS is the ONLY way to deal with it and anyone who says otherwise is a moron and totally unreasonable".

Because it's not true.

I completely ignore behaviour like that. I have even stepped over them and walked off. They soon get up and run after you!

I think sometimes at that young age they need an adult to help regulate them and calm them down as they can't always manage it for themselves.

I had to do an ignore yesterday; DH had left me with DS1& DS2 in the Starbucks in Sainsbury's whilst he took the trolley to the car & loaded the shopping. DS1 finished his own treat (some sort of marshmallow in chocolate on a stick, which he had chosen) and threw a tantrum over the fact that I broke a piece off my own cookie to eat it!

There wasn't much I could do as I was bf DS2 & had nowhere to put him down (he'd been in the sling around the supermarket).

DH did remove him as soon as he got back so I could finish my cookie.

it is true, people might look over but not be judging you as such - for example if it was me, I would probably look over and think 'ah yes I remember that time well'.
so try not to worry too much....!

I do ignore if distraction has failed. Tbh if it is a real mega tantrum, I will remove DS from the shop/wherever if I can, find somewhere where I can put him down to scream and ignore him. Distraction works in about 75% of tantrums though if I catch him early.