Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if this is being two-faced then everybody is two-faced?

28 replies

twofacedorwhat · 20/04/2015 19:39

I was told today by a guy I've been seeing that I am two-faced. He said this because I talk about people we work with and sometimes slag them off but I'm nice to their faces.

I have to work closely with some of these people and, to be honest, there are things I find annoying or unpleasant about them but that doesn't mean I dislike them. I also see traits that I like in them and when I talk to them I am not thinking nasty things about them, I am generally just enjoying the chat.

I don't go about talking about people to other people to stir up trouble but I do tell those I'm close to if someone has annoyed me or something like that.

This guy thinks that you either like someone or don't like them and you should be genuine in the way you interact. But surely most people don't actually do that? I certainly think most people I know 'play the game' to some extent, being pleasant in their interactions with people but having a bitch to their close friends/family.

So AIBU or am I just two-faced?

OP posts:
CaptainAnkles · 20/04/2015 19:41

Everybody is two faced to some extent. Everything would fall apart otherwise. You can't possibly love everyone but you can't go around telling them they're awful or punching them in the face.

Floggingmolly · 20/04/2015 19:42

Yes, everybody does it.

Seriouslyffs · 20/04/2015 19:42

I don't gossip at work. It's really not a good idea for many reasons. I might moan at home.

TwoOddSocks · 20/04/2015 19:43

I think it would be two faced to give the impression you like someone more than you do. I also don't think it would be very nice to bitch about friends to mutual friends (bar the odd complaint about an annoying incident or something). That said every has a good moan about people to their OH or close friends. Great way to let off steam if it's something you can't confront them about for whatever reason.

maroonedwithfour · 20/04/2015 19:43

Agree op.

steff13 · 20/04/2015 19:44

Well, in my personal life, if there are people I don't like, I can choose not to associate with them. However, I don't really get to choose who I work with. If I don't like them, I'm still cordial to them. That's just polite, IMO.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 19:48

So are you colleagues as well as dating? That's probably where the problem is - maybe you're slagging off people he likes?

I don't think it's particularly two-faced, it's just how a work environment operates. You can't be rude to people you don't like at work. But I think we've all phoned a colleague and said "Thanks so much! Bye now!" and then put the phone down and gone "God I hate that wanker."

BerylStreep · 20/04/2015 19:49

I try not say bitchy things about people generally. Yes, sometimes we all need to let off steam, but IMO being negative about people doesn't tend to win you many friends.

PtolemysNeedle · 20/04/2015 19:49

YANBU. By your boyfriends logic, people should go around being unpleasant to anyone the don't especially like, simply because they don't like them. As if that wouldn't be completely rude and unacceptable. He is being especially twatish when you're talking about work colleagues, people you are obliged to have a polite relationship with.

I find that people who claim to be 'genuine' or 'say it like it is' are actually rude and tend to have a completely inaccurate view of how important their own opinions are.

RedDwarfPosse · 20/04/2015 19:50

I agree... before I had my son amd became a SAHM I used to work with some VERY irritating people -

Some people were irritating in an obvious and intentional way, and to those I would tell them that they were to their face.

But some people don't intend to irritate you, they just do because sometimes personalities clash. In such cases of these kinds of people I would remain polite to maintain good working relationships, but then have a good old bloody whinge when I got home.

And I'm sure many of my fellow colleagues have done the same to me.

We all do it

AdeleDazeem · 20/04/2015 19:51

Yeah, it sounds like you are pleasant and civil to your colleagues; who are people that you wouldn't consider friends but you have no problem with them either. There's nothing wrong with that. It would only be if you were all over these people, pretending to be best mates to their faces and then going on about how awful they are behind their backs.

It's polite, civil, social. The alternative would be walking into the office and maybe Gary says 'Hi Dell, how was your weekend?' and you reply 'Adele, my name is Adele, not Dell and I don't like you so please refrain from idle chit chat thank you.'

Original poster
twofacedorwhat · 20/04/2015 20:19

Ok thanks, I am glad it's not just me. It really upset me to think that I am two-faced because really I tend to look for the good in people and if I have a whinge about someone then it is a pretty fleeting thing and not some deep and brooding hatred. I don't know if I am just shallow but I really don't care that much about most people at work and so the effect they have on me is just not so profound that I think I need to act on it.

OP posts:
jessym · 20/04/2015 20:47

There is a difference between being polite and civil , but cool, to colleagues you don't particularly like, and pretending to be their friend to their faces then slagging them off behind their backs.

I know it's a cliche, but the old saying that "if you can't find something good to say about a person, say nothing" is a very good advice.

In my experience, men are generally better at this than women. They seem better able to work with people without feeling the need to pretend they are best mates.

CrapBag · 20/04/2015 20:51

YANBU. I am guilty of this sometimes. But sometimes I genuinely am pissed off by someone, will have a little moan and then when I see them again think that they aren't that bad after all. Other times it's lie others have said, you can't go around during blatantly telling everyone you dislike how you feel so you need to be polite to some degree, particularly with work.

Two faced is pretending to be best mates while telling everyone else what a bitch they are.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 20:54

I think it depends on extent really.

If you say to Julie's face "oh you look amazing today - live your dress" then get home and say "omg, you should've seen the state of Julie today - skin tight dress and fat bulging everywhere" then yes, that's two faced.

If it's more thinking "argh shut up about your bloody kids" but mid politely at the latest boring tale then say when you get home "i heard yet MORE about Julie's kids today" then I think that's just being diplomatic.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 20:54

Nod politely, not mid.

BackforGood · 20/04/2015 21:03

I do agree, in principle, with "if you can't find something good to say about a person, say nothing" being very good advice.

but

Sometimes it does you the world of good to be able to just have a good old moan, or rant even, to 'get things off your chest.

So, it depends what you were saying, and how regular a thing it is.

I think Downwith has put it very well.

Original poster
twofacedorwhat · 20/04/2015 21:07

The main person this happens with is one colleague who I would kind of class as a frenemy in that she is all nicey nice but I often come away from conversations with her feeling like I've been subjected to a series of subtle put downs. It is not something I could really confront in a reasonable way and I have distanced myself to minimise the number of these conversations I am involved in. I don't exactly slag her off but vent about the way she's made me feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
twofacedorwhat · 20/04/2015 21:13

Oh and said colleague is also a user in that she always appears full of charm whenever she wants something. I don't always oblige now as I have seen it for what it is but it still suits me to be on reasonable terms with her as we have other common ground, our kids are friends etc.

OP posts:
Sazzle41 · 20/04/2015 21:23

I was doing some personal research on how to be more assertive at work and i found recent Harvard studies on positive and assertive language & its effects at work/socially. They found that if you say something negative about someone else, the brain of the person you are telling associates you with those negative aspects as well as the person you describe with those qualities. So if you want people to react well to you and regard you well, don't mention other poeple's negative traits. It kind of made sense.

( They also found that assertive body language has mahoosive/instant effects on your happy hormones which was a revelation to me).

Maybe a work diary where you can vent is an idea if you have no-one else close. Office life can be what my counsellor called 'a nest of vipers/the playground, just 20 years on'.

quietasamouse · 20/04/2015 21:28

Everybody does it. However much you like people, there will be some things you don't like about them too, or some opinion that they had that you don't agree with. The only times it really annoys me are:

When people talk about others but then are hugely indignant when they hear someone has been talking about them!

and

When people do it at work. I used to work with one Deputy Head who talked about one teacher to the others. Really unprofessional.

HelenF350 · 20/04/2015 21:28

Outside of work I don't tolerate, talk to or be nice to people that I don't like (harsh but true). At work it's different, you have to be nice to people you wouldn't normally have time for. You don't have an option but to be 'two faced'.

Amammi · 20/04/2015 21:33

Maybe best not to discuss work colleagues - you might not stay together in the longer term.

TheHappinessTrap · 20/04/2015 21:38

Hm. I don't agree that you should be genuine in the way that you act At Work. I don't rule the roost at my work, I don't get to choose who works there and who doesn't. All of us who work there have to go in. Therefore, it should be nothing to them if I don't like them. Professional behaviour is diplomatic. I might gossip socially but not at work.

FanFuckingTastic · 20/04/2015 21:46

I've never seen talking to a significant other about people being annoying as two-faced. I mean you have to let it out somewhere surely, if you've had a bad day at work and why. You can't always say positive nice things about everyone in life, it's more about discretion and who you talk to.

I have Aspergers and I am never myself outside of being at home. I have to use my social scripts outside and around the people who don't make up my core 'family', I make people uncomfortable otherwise.

I also trust my significant other, whether that be my mother or a relationship, not to take what I've said any further, so I don't see it as being unkind to talk about my stresses and what's going on with other people in my immediate vicinity.