Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To deprive my DS of mother and baby groups?

63 replies

herdwicksheep · 20/04/2015 14:51

I am the first within my group of friends to have and DC's.
I've tried attending a few soft plays, groups and the like and quite frankly they are hell.
I have severe social anxiety and find it incredibly difficult to strike up conversation, and I find that all of the mums there are very cliquey and already in set friendship groups.

I am constantly lectured by family and friends who insist that I'm depriving my son by not attending any of these groups.

So, aibu to not attend these groups and places, or should I just deal with it and go?

OP posts:

Catdogwormfrog · 20/04/2015 23:07

Some I have liked. Some I hated!

I remember once going to one. There were 4 other people there who all had older kids in the same school. They chatted to each other and completely ignored me . I mean completely ignored .

Then when it was over. I was sat in my car ready to pull away and one of the women walked past and smiled and waved!

I was thinking, you have just ignored me for the past hour! I was fuming!!!!

Gennz · 21/04/2015 00:40

I loathe them. DS is 5 months on Friday. We've been to one group, once, and never again. After so many years spent in a high pressure job I have been enjoying slothing around the house in leggings, singing 80s TV show theme tunes (why are these the only songs I can remember the words to?) & talking shit to DS. I have a few friends with babies so have had them round for wine coffee if I need to complain about sleep deprivation socialise with other mums.

We are starting his transition to nursery at the moment as I'm going back to work part time when he's 6 months - he seemed to enjoy his first visit hanging out with other little ones so the timing is probably quite good. He gets some socialisation/play time and I get to put on some normal clothes & lipstick and talk to adults three times a week.

weebleswillwobble · 21/04/2015 06:20

I like the 'doing things' groups - swimming class, singing with baby classes etc. It gives a focus and it means you can make as much or as little effort with other people as you want.

weebleswillwobble · 21/04/2015 06:26

And YY to persevering with the baby group nearest the school your DC is likely to go to. Makes starting school so much easier for everyone - your DC will have some pre-established friends, and you will know a few people at the school gate. It's not the be all, but it is nice.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 06:34

Some of these groups were a godsend to me.
I would have felt isolated without them.
I am still friends with some of the women I met there, and as Kerala said it was good for my kids to make friends with some of the children when they moved to school.
Having kids does drag you screaming and kicking into groups though- baby groups is just te start of it. THen it's playgroup, school, karate, dance or swimming lessons.

I do feel that becoming involved with other people is to a parent and child's benefit.
Volunteering to help at sports day or school trips. being a parent helper at dance shows, or swimming galas, helping out at the PTA, all these things help your child integrate into the wider community.

And can be a great ;ife lesson for us.
Not all other parents are part of cliques or stand offish- there are nice ones too.

siblingrevelryagain · 21/04/2015 06:44

After three children (and numerous groups) I'm firmly of the opinion that they're for the parents not the kids. I went because I like having a coffee and a chat with other parents, and having 'somewhere to be' stopped me sitting in my pyjamas for the entire time, but I'm under no illusions that I was doing it for the children's development (maybe when they were 2/3 plus they get something out of it, but at your son's age he'll just be sat on a grubby playmat or crawling round a grubby floor!). They enjoyed it, otherwise I wouldn't have gone, but it's certainly not necessary for a child that will eventually experience a childcare setting or school at an appropriate age.

If you don't enjoy them, don't go. At the age your baby is you should do the things you want with him-don't worry about his development further than engaging with him at home and chatting to him at every opportunity.

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/04/2015 07:04

I loathed them too, and personally wouldn't bother. Will your dc be going to nursery at all when a bit older? If so they will socialise and meet friends there, and if there are play-dates/parties in the fullness of time you can get to know the parents in a gentler, more organic way.
Just enjoy this time with your baby and do what makes you happy - it's a short time in the overall scheme of things, don't waste it doing stuff that makes you miserable!

MrsMook · 21/04/2015 07:41

It's nice for older babies to have the chance to go and play with something different, but I agree that it is mainly to get parents out of the house. Not going is not to the detriment of the baby.

Like many others, I found more structured activities better. My priority for Ds2 was swimming as that's something we can't do at home, and I value the water confidence in the long term. He went to less groups, partly as I had less need, and partly because a 2 year age gap tends to exclude an older pre-school sibling.

It does irritate me when groups are dominated by cliques and pre-arranged groups of friends that won't exchange so much as a hello with anyone else. I'm not socially awkward, but so many people don't give any space for interaction. I'm not looking for a new best buddy, but a bit of adult interaction wouldn't go amiss.

Phoenix0x0 · 21/04/2015 07:50

I found the toddler groups tough.

The activity based groups much much better.

Jayne35 · 21/04/2015 09:24

I hated the thought of those groups as I'm fairly quiet and not very sociable with people I don't know so I never went to them, my DCs are 17 & 19 now and both quite sociable (unlike me) so I don't feel they missed out on anything.

drudgetrudy · 21/04/2015 09:54

It won't be a deprivation for him at all, as others have said they are more for parents to help reduce isolation. If you don't enjoy them there is really no need to go.
The activities based groups are nicer.

Dancergirl · 21/04/2015 10:08

I didn't like them particularly when my dc were small but I went to a few and then found a friendly one.

No of course you don't need to go and your ds won't miss out, he's a baby.

But as he gets a bit older it's nice for him to have the experience of being with other similarly aged children and play with different toys.

But what I would do is think about these groups in a different way and it might make it a bit easier for you. Don't think your aim is to make conversation and make friends, think of it as going somewhere your ds will enjoy. Focus on your ds - play with him, watch him play, chat to him etc. Forget about trying to make conversation with other mums. If your ds is playing happily, sit down and play on your phone or whatever, smile at the other mums and look friendly but don't put yourself under pressure to talk to people. You might find someone starts talking to you, so all well and good, but if not, don't worry.

If your ds has had a nice time then it's been successful, if you make any friends yourself that's a bonus.

fellowship33 · 21/04/2015 10:25

It's often a good idea to lie to friends and family - keeps them happy and gets them off your back.

Alternatively have another dc. Everyone seems to lose interest in giving unwanted advice.

Flip

1 2 3