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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To deprive my DS of mother and baby groups?

63 replies

herdwicksheep · 20/04/2015 14:51

I am the first within my group of friends to have and DC's.
I've tried attending a few soft plays, groups and the like and quite frankly they are hell.
I have severe social anxiety and find it incredibly difficult to strike up conversation, and I find that all of the mums there are very cliquey and already in set friendship groups.

I am constantly lectured by family and friends who insist that I'm depriving my son by not attending any of these groups.

So, aibu to not attend these groups and places, or should I just deal with it and go?

OP posts:

OurGlass · 20/04/2015 16:58

Are you on any medication for your anxiety?

homebythesea · 20/04/2015 16:59

I agree with pp- it's not till DC are older that they get anything meaningful out of an activity like that- it's for the mums' benefit.
however if at all possible over the next couple of years I would try to ease yourself into the child focussed social scene because when DC starts at school it is really useful for you to attend coffee mornings, parties etc to be able to keep your ear to the ground and get the most out of the school experience.

Strictlyison · 20/04/2015 17:03

You are not being unreasonable. As others have said, some parents find them useful and enjoy meeting other people there, but it's not generally for the benefit of the child as such, especially before 2 years old. I met some really nice people when DSs were little at various play groups, people I am still friends with years later. But you are not depriving your son of anything. I have found it easier to start conversations at places like parks and open areas, where you don't feel you 'have' to speak to people but you do, with less pressure.

SaucyJack · 20/04/2015 17:14

I do think YABU if I'm honest. We've been going to a toddler group a once or twice a week since DD was about 7/8 months. She loves watching all the other kids and playing with stuff that we don't have at home.

I don't enjoy it either, but it's only a couple of hours a week out of my busy schedule of navel-gazing and MNetting. I would feel mean if I didn't take DD just because I couldn't be arsed.

howabout · 20/04/2015 17:19

I went with DD 1 and 2 but got so fed up catching bugs I stopped for DD3. The joke is she is the most sociable of the 3.

mrsmeerkat · 20/04/2015 17:21

I like going to them twice a week.. both have activities though so I just keep busy at them rather than make too much small talk. I found them difficult at the start but love them now. I just kept going until new people started and I didn't feel like the newbie. I think if it is causing you stress, don't go. It isn't worth it.

Lots of my friends/colleagues didn't bother with them and just went for walks/library and their children are really sociable and happy,

PetuliaGristle · 20/04/2015 17:27

I agree with pp's who mentioned activity groups, I recall them being easier as you have something to do, also easier to start a conversation. Taking a book, Kindle or magazine to mother and baby groups is a good idea too, though I'd choose the activity based groups every time over m&b group hell :)

AnotherGirlsParadise · 20/04/2015 17:30

I loathed mother and baby groups. LOATHED them. Like you said OP, all the other mothers were cliquey/in established groups, and I'm not what you'd call a people person anyway, to put it mildly!

The only sort of group I ever enjoyed taking DS1 to (he was nearly 2 at the time), was a movers and shakers kind of thing, where everyone did the actions to songs and nursery rhymes and got to have a good dance about. We both loved it, and it was quality time spent with him that normally we wouldn't have had plus I didn't have to talk to ANYBODY

Joyfulldeathsquad · 20/04/2015 17:32

I live in a small village and there is a baby group on every week day at different sites.

It's all the same people like fucking ground hog day.

Dd2 hatesThem but she did like the sensory room and I'd get in soft play first thing when no one was there and it was a lot better.

TheBooMonster · 20/04/2015 17:35

I took DD to one once when she was little. It was an absolutely awful experience! There were buggies and pushchairs in the room so I took mine in, and none of the staff advised otherwise. Half an hour into an excruciatingly uncomfortable time of watching kids who weren't being watched by their nattering mums take stuff off DD and otherwise completely ignore her just like their mums were doing to me a member of staff pulled me up in front of everyone about my pram being inside and they were 'only allowed inside if there was a sleeping baby in there' despite only 1 of the other 5 having a baby in. One of the other mums finally acknowledged my presence and offered to watch DD whilst I took my pram outside. I got told off for then putting it in the entrance hall where there were other prams and spoken down to like a child as it was put outside despite there not being a single other pram out there and it raining. I went back in grabbed DD and we've never been since!

FadedRed123 · 20/04/2015 17:37

Took mine as toddler occasionally to local soft play because she seemed to enjoy it and it got us out of the house, but never bothered to socialise with other parents, just played with Dd until I got bored then went home. At that age it's not about socialising them, it's about getting through the day without screaming keeping them happy. If you don't like it, then don't feel you MUST do it. Stopped when she went to nursery.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2015 17:40

Yanbu

Dd did a couple of afternoons at nursery from quite early which worked well.

I went to one once....just awful

cestlavielife · 20/04/2015 17:40

you dont have to go to specific groups, and it wont harm your child...if you ahppy wiht your oown company and being with your baby that is fine.

but it is good to get out to the park, to the library , to the soft play etc. you don't have to talk to anyone but you might find people talk to you - just nod and smile sometimes. you can also think of some set lines like how old is your child? and some lines to say about your like his age and what he is into "he loves yogurts" .

maroonedwithfour · 20/04/2015 17:44

Went a bit with my last child ds1 2.5, but now hes at nursery I hope toddler groups are behind me. Hes my fourth so I'm done.

Lindy2 · 20/04/2015 17:48

I think I'm the odd one out but I think they are actually really important in helping children learn to socialise and get used to being with other children. 9 months is obviously a bit young for socialising but I do think children of all ages do benefit. Could you try some different groups, such as library rhyme times, Surestart groups etc? You might fond these more open and friendly. If you are the first of your friends to have a baby are you still socialising with them? It might be nice for you to meet some other mums. You don't have to be everyone's best friend but one or two other mums that you can have a little chat with about your babies might be nice.

MissDuke · 20/04/2015 17:52

To be honest I think they are great too, with my eldest I went to a lovely NCT one that was just for babies. Couldn't with the others just to having older siblings who weren't allowed, but we still went to other groups. I don't really enjoy them now, but I do go as I think they are good for their development. I wouldn't bother with a 9 month old though, not until he is walking anyway.

toots111 · 20/04/2015 18:38

I used to take my daughter to the local old men's pub when I was on maternity leave and chat to them about the horses and the weather. She seemed to like the gentle lull of conversation more than the noise of other babies crying! She's very sociable now at 3.

ThursdayLast · 20/04/2015 18:44

I can't imagine anything worse than staying in with DS all day!

Worth trying different ones, the activities and people vary so much.

I've made some really good friends through one if them, and am now on good terms with the parents of children DS will be going to school with. Plus points in my eyes.

The other one we go to I don't love so much but DS does, so we go.

UpNorthAgain · 20/04/2015 18:48

I went back to work when my DD was a year old. I have a very clear memory of leaving a mother and baby group a few days before that, looking up at the sky, and thinking thank fck that's over*

Iwantacampervan · 20/04/2015 19:12

I went to the group in the village to allow my daughters time to socialise with the children they would be likely to see at school (we couldn't use the village nursery as it was mornings only) but mainly for me to meet friends. I got to know a group of parents who I could use as back up during primary school and they could use me. Even though our children are teens I still have friends from toddler group - I don't think that I would have had the same level of friendship if I had met them for the first time at the school gate.

NickyEds · 20/04/2015 20:44

YANBU......but you might feel different when your Ds starts walking. I've always quite enjoyed most of the ones I've been to. I wouldn't base my opinion having gone to only one! My ds is 16 months now and I'm a SAHM and I feel it's important for him to go. We go to three regularly, one is a stay and play at Sure Start, one is run by the local secondary school (there are teenage students there who are interested in childcare) both of which are fairly well organised and the other is like a zoo! The Sure Start is a fantastic centre with a massive sand pit, loads of out door space, different toys etc and ds loves it. I met most of my mum friends at baby massage and yoga and their friendship has been amazing (I didn't really know many people, and none with children). Ds would get really bored with just the park and the library.

Qwebec · 20/04/2015 21:58

I don't think you need to go to a mother and child group. But I think it is important that you child has opportunities to socialise with other children.

I have a friend who is always with her children then are 2 and 4. When she is in the same room than them they scream and need her attention all the time. The second she leaves the room and they are not allowed to follow they stand by the door in total silence without moving, waiting for her to come back. It's really sad.

Qwebec · 20/04/2015 21:59

they not then

KERALA1 · 20/04/2015 22:18

I would have gone mad if I hadn't gone to these groups. Some were unfriendly but eventually found one that was right for me and made friends there still good friends 8 years later. They are for the benefit of the parents though many people struggle being alone with a baby all day I know I did.

Scholes34 · 20/04/2015 22:54

KERALA1 - spot on. I had a group for every day of the week if I wanted to go. Some were very friendly, others not friendly at all. Big thank you to all the church groups that ran them for next to nothing. Helped to keep me sane after moving to a new town with DC1(2 years) and DC2 (8 months).

I bumped into someone a short while ago who I'd met briefly at one of the groups over ten years ago. She's Russian and at the time had just moved to the UK with her husband who was working at the lcoal uni. She couldn't speak much English, so conversations weren't easy. She smiled when she recognised me and said hello and thanked me for being so friendly to her when she'd just moved to the city and how fondly she remembered the toddler groups. So, anyone in a clique-y group, take time to speak to any newbies who turn up at your groups. They'll really appreciate it.

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