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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I'd slept around more when younger?

72 replies

whydobirdsfallout · 20/04/2015 13:49

I was ridiculously good in my youth. I had a few bf I didn't sleep with then a long term boyfriend of 8 years then my DH. So only slept with 2 people. Sometimes when watching stuff on telly like 'Made in Chelsea' etc. I wish I'd slept with more men. I do have a good sex life with DH but I am not that adventurous probably because of my lack of experience. I wish I had experimented more with men who didn't matter.

OP posts:
mileycyrusvirus · 20/04/2015 15:11

the only thing I regret not doing when I was young and free is the kinky stuff, I'm too scared to ask my DH to do some of the things I fantasize about

Grapejuicerocks · 20/04/2015 15:14

I think there is a middle ground.

As baby bear said, too many, too few and just right. No i've never slept with someone called baby bear

Model5 · 20/04/2015 15:16

I sometimes wonder too but I do think really good sex is only possible when you're properly in love, so not sure there's much to be gained from having multiple partners you don't care about.

Or maybe I'm being misty eyed and old-fashioned.

Morelikeguidelines · 20/04/2015 15:28

Op I am you!

Feel much better for reading pps.

Actually when I imagine having slept with more people I imagine them being super fit celeb types or fictional characters so obviously reality is unlikely to have been like that.

Recently found out in press that famous person I had fancied since a teen was utter tart and would clearly have slept with tinker 's dog (expression from marian keyes) and I half wish I had tracked him down when younger and had a go!

Very happy with dh though Smile

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/04/2015 15:33

It's no mahoooosive achievement shagging almost every man in sight.
I think you should count your lucky stars. you say you have a good sec life with your husband. What's your problem. Another one who doesn't know when they've got it good.
I have slept with over 150 men prior to meeting dp. There was no love. No connection. Just emotionless shagging. I don't think. Oh aren't I amazing. I've had him and him and him and so on. I think there's another one that failed.
It's only now I know the difference between shagging and making love and I'm 39 years of age

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/04/2015 15:34

Sex not sec

loveareadingthanks · 20/04/2015 15:58

Hi Op

Well, you can't go back in time and change it, so concentrate on the here and now with your DH. You don't feel confident? Sexual confidence doesn't come from how many partners you have had (sometimes quite the opposite, actually, the wrong encounters and men can really knock your confidence). This is something you can work on with your DH and for once it's something that's fun to work on Grin.

loveareadingthanks · 20/04/2015 15:59

It's interesting that at the time you thought it was 'being good' to not have sex. Do you deep down feel that sex is a bit bad/naughty/wrong?

AldiQ7 · 20/04/2015 16:13

YANBU - I feel similar. I was a fairly ugly teenager among of group of beautiful girls at an all girls school, so no boys fancied me, and i didnt have a boyfriend until my early 20s (my now DH). I was really shy, but if I got drunk I would snog anyone who would have me, but it never went any further. When sober I couldn't even look at the boys I had kissed, let alone start a relationship wit them! So I went to uni a virgin and stayed that way until the end of the second year, then I had a small handful of very drunken encounters, which probably couldn't even be classed as proper sex they were so shit! I was just sick of being the only one who hadn't had sex, and I wasn't exactl a young teenager! I just lacked any sort of confidence for anything more than a drunken fumble, it was cringey. Anyway, shorty after I left uni I met DH, he was the first person I had sober sex with so obviously it was much better.

I don't even necessarily wish I had slept with tonnes of blokes, I kind of just wish I had had a boyfriend/regular buddy type thing before I met DH, but things are the way they are, and I'm certainly not looking for anyone else now!

I really hope my own DD is a bit more confident than me in that respect - not that I want her to sleep with loads of blokes or anything, but I just hope she doesn't feel as crap about the whole thing as i did!

CaptainTripps · 20/04/2015 16:59

I'm a prude and am glad to have only slept with my husband.

lovereading - takes all sorts. Hope OP doesn't feel she has to justify herself to anyone.

Fluffyears · 20/04/2015 17:33

I once thought that but now I am proud that I have had one 1niggr stand and 1fwb scenario I have slept with 5 people including DP. I am so glad I can count my partners on the fingers of one hand. Out of the 5people I have been in love with 3 of them and it felt better and worth more to me. I don't feel I missed out as I'm fairly adventurous just not with loads of random users.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 20/04/2015 17:45

I have only slept with two people, one of whom is dh.

He has slept with many more, and when we were younger I was very jealous. I wished I'd had more experience and worried he would leave me so he could sleep around.

As time went on I realised it would make just as much sense to assume that he was a great judge of sexual compatibility and now he had found me, after much searching, he was hardly likely to leave a good match.

I say that now but if he goes first I'm going to throw myself at every man in the retirement home before my sex induced heart attack.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 20/04/2015 18:01

Quality not quantity Smile

Seriously, the poster who said 'but would you be wanting to go back to your teens with the mindset of a confident 40 year old?' was spot on

Do you really think all the youngsters who have multiple partners are doing it because theyre supremely confident and gorgeous? I know the school bike when I was in 6th form was unattractive and quite needy. Meanwhile, the über confident, high achieving good looking girls didn't seem to feel the need to sleep around.

No moral judgement here, just making an observation. It's not that difficult to sleep with lots of people if you want to, but it doesn't mean they're all going to be worthwhile experiences!

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2015 18:15

I think many people wish there were things they had done differently, whether that's having more/fewer sexual partners, more/fewer/any children or having picked a different career.
. On the whole, I am in favour of having plenty of sexual experience and different partners, simply because experience and practice are the ways to get good at something and learn how to enjoy it. The idea that it's somehow 'better' for women to have minimal sexual experience is one that has been put about to benefit men, not women: men who want to marry virgins are generally lazy and selfish in bed.
Yes, there are some people who marry their first sexual partner and live happy (and sexually satisfied) lives - the two of them are either naturally compatible, which is a matter of luck as much as anything else - or both are willing to experiment and explore. Or, of course, they are both people with low libidos and a deep conviction that sex, other than for procreation, is a bit icky - again, if that's how they both feel, they will be happy together.

But an awful lot of people who marry when one partner has little or no sexual experience find it doesn't turn out all that well. The inexperienced one has a deep distaste for sex in the first place, or it turns out that one partner is utterly rubbish at sex and not willing to try anything that might improve his/her performance, or they get married so young that they just grow apart for a variety of reasons...

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/04/2015 18:17

I sometimes wonder this. But I've been with my husband since I was 20 (now 26) so I didn't really give myself much time to play the field, as it were.

Me624 · 20/04/2015 19:02

I coukd have written your posts op! Except that I lost my virginity to dh so I've only ever slept with one man! The thing is, until I met dh I was a shy wallflower and I wouldn't have had the confidence to sleep around anyway. I'm still not very confident actually in bed but I have a lot of confidence now generally and I do quite often think oh I wish I'd slept with a few people, just for the variety more than anything!

At the end of the day though I'm happy with dh and our sex life so better the devil you know.

Bexicles · 20/04/2015 19:08

I don't think people who have slept around have necessarily had a more adventurous sex life, am sure most ons's are drunk vanilla sex. I have had far better sex with partners I have known for along time.

Unthoughtknown · 20/04/2015 19:10

I regret sleeping around in my youth (between 15 and 20 partners). There were some great experiences but the vast majority were shit and I do look back and cringe.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2015 22:35

I had over 100 partners (mind you, I am older than most of you so have had plenty of time to rack up that total). I don't regret it in the least. Very few were really awful, some were indifferent and many were pretty good. But even the rubbish ones were usually fuel for a good story and a good laugh afterwards.

It is different for different people, though. You can't change your past, but if you are dissatisfied with your present situation, you can look at various ways to change that.

misscph1973 · 21/04/2015 14:08

Aldi, I was very similar to you! Spotty teenager, no interest from boys whatsoever, but happy to snog anyone if drunk - I guess I was curious (like every body else) and then finally lost my virginity at 19 at festival with some random stranger (huge penis, very painful experience!). A lot of the one night stands were replacements for the boyfriends I rarely had. It was all very emotional and based on lust, the whole love thing freaked me out, I guess my parents painful divorc ein my late teens didn't help - they were awful role models, rarely showed any affection and jut weren't great at the whole relationship thing.

With my DH it was initially sexual attraction, but as we got to know each other we found that we had a lot in common. It was, and is, a very rocky relationship, but I can't imagine being with anyone else (bee together nearly 20 years). He doesn't know too much about who I slept with - his choice - but he does know that I had few boyfriends and slept around a lot. I think I have slept with more than he has, but he had a long term relationship before he met me, which I envy him - I had no long term relationships before him.

Anyway, very interesting thoughts about relationships/sex in this thread.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 21/04/2015 14:26

I agree about the 'if you could go back as a 40 year old' line of thought, but, I would qualify that.

As it happens, when I was in my early 20s I met this bloke and thought he was gorgeous, but - like you - was too good to do anything about it. I met him again ten years down the line and recently divorced, and was on him like a shot. And while I'm glad I got the second chance, it did make me aware that - how can I put this nicely? - the imaginary sex I'd been missing out on was substantially better than the real sex. Grin

Not that he was bad - he wasn't - just it wasn't all that exciting.

glittertits · 21/04/2015 14:29

I did a lot of shagging around, and it was great fun.

DH trumps all of that.

However, I do believe that my (and his!) shagging around has helped our relationship. Neither of us are wondering what else is out there, and because of my past experiences I feel as though I can 100% say that I never want to sleep with another man again.

honeyroar · 21/04/2015 14:51

I don't believe that you need to be in love to have good sex. I've had fantastic sex with people that I didn't love!

I moderately played around when younger. If I went back with my mindset now I wouldn't have bothered with half of them, I was a bit insecure or had friends that were getting about a lot and I almost felt it was normal.

misscph1973 · 21/04/2015 14:53

Oh, Jeanne, I have a couple of guys I could have had, but never had, and I do keep wondering (well, have fantasies!), and I am sure real life sex would have been nothing compared to what I imagined it would be.

tits, that's a good point. Not that we have enough of it - 2 kids and both work full time - but sex with DH was always the best sex, and I have no desire to sleep with anyone else - well, maybe I fantasise about it, but I would never act on it.

Has anyone on this thread been unfaithful only to find it was so not worth it? I did kiss one guy and flirted with a few, but it's all years ago and pre kids. I am not sure if it counts as being unfaithful - obviously it would count had it been DH, though ;)

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/04/2015 15:03

i dont regret any of the sex I have had. I sometimes regret the ones I let get away though! And the fact that my bf has racked up a lot more one nighters than me is appealing as he knows full well what he isn't missing.
So, I can understand how you might feel op, but I think the answer is to get creative with the man you have!

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