Hi everyone,
I am not sure if this is the right place for this post but I didn't know where else to post it, so thought would try here.
The post isn't about me being a parent but more about me being an adult daughter, who doesn't get on with her mother and doesn't know what to do about it.
For as long as I remember myself being in the company of my mother has never been an easy thing. My mother is a very overbearing, extremely bossy and critical individual, who is never happy with anything you or anyone else around her does. She has always been criticising me, my sister and my dad for literally everything we do. If you are in my mother's house, you can't put your foot right. Nobody can. There isn't a person in the world that she is happy with.
She has always been like that and she is one of those people, who even manage to criticise random people in the shops, TV personalities, people they meey for the first time etc.
When I eventually moved out of her house, I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I could finally be my own person.
So here is my dilemma: 2 years ago, my dad passed away and my mother immediately stated her intention to move in with me and my family. You can imagine how I feel about this but because I am the oldest of only 2 children and my sister doesn't get on with her at all, there kind of always has been this expectation that she will eventually live with me and I will look after her. However, this "eventually", to me, meant when she is old and helpless and basically in need of looking after rather than when she feels like it.
Before anyone judges me for being a horrible daughter, I would like to make it clear that at present my mother doesn't require any care. She is 67 years old but is of sound mind and is, thankfully, in good health. The issue we have is that she has no friends at all, so she is desperately lonely and isolated.
Just before Christmas 2013, I invited her to stay over for few weeks and those few weeks were a total nightmare for me, which reminded me exactly why I don't want to share the same house with her again. In the first few days, my mother practically took over my entire house. She gave me no privacy with DH up until the moment we went to bed. She'd literally hang out with us from the moment we wake up until the moment we go to bed. As soon as my DH would step through the door after work, she would literally sit with us until it's time to sleep again.
Every time we wanted to go shopping or anywhere else, she would absolutely expect to come with us. I never said anything although I did try to drop a hint once by setting up TV in her bedroom in hope that she would get the message and at least for a couple of hours per day give us some space. Nothing of the kind happened. She ignored the TV in her bedroom and continued to hang out with us.
Eventually, we had a massive argument (I don't want to go into details here to keep this saga shorter!) and she called me a horrible daughter, packed her bags and demanded that we take her home.
Things have been pretty strained ever since but, nonetheless, I continued to call her on a regular basis. At one point, I told her though that this living under the same roof idea isn't going to happen and the best option for us is to sell her house and buy one near me, so we could see her regularly without living together. She wasn't happy with that! In fact, she was absolutely mad. She told me I betrayed her by setting the expectation she'd live with me in her old age and now trying to put her in a separate house in a place she isn't familiar with! We didn't talk for a while after that because I stood my ground but, in August 14, I sent her a birthday present. Naturally, she wasn't happy with it and told me it would probably be easier for everyone if I just gave her some money. Christmas 14, I didn't bother buying anything and sent her some money instead. Guess what? She managed to start an argument with me even then. She said I should've consulted her before I transferred the money, so she could schedule her time to go to the bank! I couldn't listen to her nonsense, so the argument ended in tears for me again, and I've not called her since.
I did, however, write her an email shortly after where I tried to tell her how she makes me feel. She immediately replied and her reply was that I was a horrible and obnoxious daughter, who is disrespectful and rude. In that email, she told me that she isn't going to forget the way I treated her, the fact that I refuse to live in the same house with her and my betrayal until her dying day.
I've not called her or wrote to her ever since. In January this year, she went to visit my sister. Despite not getting on with her, my sister invited her to stay over for few weeks to make sure she wasn't lonely. The relative peace only lasted for about a week before they also had a massive argument. The argument started, once again, because of my mother's constant complaints about me, our relatives and just about everything else in the world. My sister can't stand that and she is a lot more outspoken than me, so she told my mother everything she thinks about her.
My mother is a bit more scared of my sister's temper, so she bit her lip and stayed there until almost end of February. However they continued to argue. Whenever my sister would offer to take her somewhere for dinner, my mother would start whining that she doesn't like going out all the time. Once my sister wanted to take her out for some facials etc, my mother said no. When my sister would cook, my mother would say she isn't hungry only to ask for food half an hour later, when everyone else has eaten and my sister tidied the kitchen. Whatever my sister would suggest to her to occupy her free time, my mother would say no. My sister lives in the US, so I would like to make it clear that there is a lot my mother hasn't seen there, so in my mind it's not reasonable to behave this way when it was also the first time she visited my sister in the US since she got married there.
Eventually, they also had a massive falling out and my mother parted with my sister on bad terms telling her we are both ungrateful and she'll always remember how I betrayed her and how my sister is so nasty to her.
I would like to mention here that my sister paid for my mother's entire visit to the US (flights, food, shopping, all entertainment etc). My mother never had to spend a penny there. It was the same when she stayed with me. Neither of us received a word of gratitude. Only vile criticism and nastiness.
Before I end my story, I would like to say that my mother quite often makes references to her challenging relationship with my dad (they were quite different: my dad liked people and liked hanging out with them, doing things for others etc and my mother just liked doing her own thing, so they didn't really get on) and she often says how we owe her loving care to make up for all the years of misery that she had to endure while living with my dad. What she does, however, forget and doesn't want to mention is what it was like for me and my sister to live with 2 parents, who were always at each other's throats. My mother also beat us both, especially me, until I was pretty much a teenager. When she beat me, she was merciless, but I remember hating her nagging a lot more than the beating. I often prayed that she would beat me rather than say all those vile nasty things she was so fond of saying to everyone.
My mother doesn't seem to remember any of this. She kind of erased it from her memory as if it never happened. So, during her argument with my mother, my sister told her that tender loving relationships are usually a 2-way street and if you want to have those, you need to learn to give love to others. She also told her that love is something that people earn and have to work at and you can't force it. My mother said that if we were reasonable adults, instead of childish, petulant, selfish daughters, who never grew up, we would understand her.
Well, let me tell you, maybe I am a nasty daughter but I really don't understand her. At this point, I am not really sure I want to understand her either. I am literally at the end of my tether. I've not called her for almost 4 months now because I am just not ready for another battle with her. Whenever I call her, as soon as she hears my voice, she stays silent for about 5 minutes before eventually saying, "So, you finally call? What do you expect to hear? Are you just calling to see if I am still alive. Well, I still am. What else would you like to know?".
I am sure everyone can imagine how much I feel like talking to her after that opening statement but I usually made an effort every single time. It's just these last few months I've been completely feeling drained of all energy even at the thought of talking to her. I am really not ready to face her again. However I feel so guilty about not calling her when she is on her own that I can't sleep and not a day goes by when I don't feel like I am a terrible daughter and that she is right.
However the fundamental issue is that she wants to move in with me and unless I agree, there will be no reasonable conversation about anything. And I can't agree to that because she will ruin my life, which I can't allow her to do. She holds me responsible for her happiness but trust me if you knew my mother, you would know that nobody in the world can make her happy.
I am sorry for the long post. I don't even know what I am hoping to hear or what my question is. All my friends tell me that I would be mad to allow my mother to move in with me. Maybe I am here to clear my conscience or maybe just to be heard... I don't know. I feel so truly lost but I really don't feel like calling her or writing to her. The only two things I feel are 1) my desire not to interact with her ever again and 2) feeling guilty for feeling no desire to interact with the woman who gave birth to me.
What would you do?