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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for suggestions? (title amended by MNHQ)

31 replies

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 11:28

Every time, EVERY TIME, DSD 7 does maths homework it descends into a 2+ hour marathon of tantrums and tears and DP shouting.

DP is partly to blame, and I've told him this. He hovers and helicopters and mithers and doesn't let DSD get on with it. I've suggested a zillion different strategies for making it less of an ordeal for everyone but nothing has changed.

Whenever I supervise her homework I let her get on with it on her own and we check the answers afterwards. And it's a much calmer experience all round.

But if DP is present then it's impossible for him to resist getting involved.

We live in a 2 bed flat with an open plan kitchen/living room. If DSD is at the kitchen table and all this is going on, I get no peace. I have a front row seat to the drama. It's impossible to watch TV or get any work done or do anything.

It's not practical for them to do homework in the bedroom as DSD shares with DD 18 months and there's no workspace.

I guess I could go into our bedroom to escape but I'd have to take DD with me and that's not much fun for her. Also, there's no TV in there.

Yesterday there was a massive drawn out performance about the maths homework and this morning we've just had another one. (DSD has six pages of maths homework to do before school starts on Tues. She's been doing two pages a day since Friday.)

Fuck knows why DP persists with his approach but I've given up trying to make him see sense.

I'm really at the end of my tether. What would you suggest in my situation?

OP posts:

Jengnr · 19/04/2015 11:30

Why is he doing it? What does he say?

Short of checking it's been done what else can he do? And why?

Original poster

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 11:32

When he's there she asks him for help on every question and then gets it wrong.

It's odd, I think he confuses her and she gets muddled, then he gets cross.

I'm making him sound like a monstrous competitive dad. He's really not. He's just over invested and DSD is bamboozled.

OP posts:

Fleecyleesy · 19/04/2015 11:32

Maybe send dp out with little dd so you can calmly address the homework with dsd.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/04/2015 11:33

Why would you have to take the 18mo with you?

Have you asked DP about this? I mean at a neutral time when DSD isnt there?

Is it only Maths homework?

TENDTOprocrastinate · 19/04/2015 11:35

2hours + spent on maths hw sounds very excessive for a 7 year old!

ilovesooty · 19/04/2015 11:36

I feel for you. It was like that in my childhood. My mother used to intervene when my father started throwing the maths books at the living room wall.

Icimoi · 19/04/2015 11:36

I would ban him from doing the homework with her full stop, whether you're out or in. It really must be destroying her confidence. If she asks for help, all he has to do is tell her she needs to do it herself.

Is her mum around? Can you enlist her support on this?

Original poster

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 11:37

I suppose I wouldn't have to take the little one with me. I just like hanging out with her :) This usually happens in the evenings and I only get an hour with her between work and bed.

Yeah it's only maths. DP turns into a loon. I've told him I hate the shouting and something needs to change. But it hasn't yet.

Just writing this has made me realise that we should try making DSD do the homework in our bedroom on her own and then come out when she's done and we check it.

Does anyone else have this level of craziness in their house over damn maths?

OP posts:

Original poster

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 11:40

She does literacy homework when at her mum's. Maths is our remit.

OP posts:

ragged · 19/04/2015 11:40

Send your DP out with the toddler & sit calmly helping your DSD do the math.

Can help A Lot if you know how the school teaches math, so you can explain the answers to her in a way she understands. Do you both understand pair bonds and number lines?

Yarp · 19/04/2015 11:41

There should be no need for either of you to check the homework. It is set by school and is for them to mark. I she is really stuck, or does it on her own and gets it wrong. Then it os for her teacher/TA to go through it with her. Most maths homework is to make sure class learning is embedded and to pick up misunderstandings where they are occurring. They aren't a test. And they certainly aren't a test of how clever your DH is!

Original poster

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 11:42

Some good suggestions I can work with here.

I get pair bonds. Number lines seem ridiculous to me. Just adds a layer of complexity that doesn't need to be there imo.

OP posts:

Yarp · 19/04/2015 11:43

I have had craziness over homework and what worked for me is to realise what I've said above. Their homework is actually nothing to do with anyone else and you should resist attempts to let it become so.

The only exceptions to this are maybe if she wants to recite her timetables and have you listen

ragged · 19/04/2015 11:45

I disagree with you about number lines, they are the only reason I can do mental arithmetic!!

If it's how she's used to having the solution explained, the easiest solution is to work with what she's used to. Our school once in a while ran a special maths session for parents where they explained all the modern methods the kids were exposed to. Invaluable.

Yarp · 19/04/2015 11:47

Sorry. me again!. If your DH really won't listen, then I'd try and schedule an appt with her teacher to talk about how she is doing in maths in class, and about the homework. And for your DH to be there

MagicMojito · 19/04/2015 11:48

love your username!

howabout · 19/04/2015 11:48

If this is happening when DSD is 7 then I would say by the time she is 10 or perhaps sooner she will have switched off totally from sums. Is maths all basic addition, subtraction, multiplication facts. If so I would look at ways of doing a lot more sums outside a homework context. We used to practise times tables on car journeys, fractions every time we had pizza or cake to share, adding every time we had sweeties etc. I am sure her teacher would have lots of other suggestions. I would remove her dad and you from sitting in with any homework and also discuss with her Mum and teacher if this is possible. Once she gets over what must be a mental block about the basics I would hope the homework would start to take care of itself. Seems odd at her stage to have so much homework in a block and I would be questioning whether enough time is being spent on maths in class.

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 11:56

He should not be getting involved at all.

She sits at table, you both sit and read a book/do some stuff and when she has finished she closes books and does something else.

Original poster

NigelFarageIsABellend · 19/04/2015 12:01

Alternative that's what I think too. But when I say that to DP he gives me the impression that he thinks I don't care enough and am BU expecting him not to get involved.

When DD is old enough to have homework I fully intend on leaving her to it too! I'll only help if she's genuinely stuck. Not if she's being lazy and CBA to work it out herself (which is what I suspect is happening with DSD - because she knows DP is right there.)

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 12:04

But surely it is MORE caring to let her work it out - that's the point of homework to consolidate the learning.

He isn't partly to blame, he is fully to blame. He needs to back the fuck off.

Point out that how is it caring to make her have a two hour tearful tantrum shouting match?

Yarp · 19/04/2015 12:08

Totally agree with Alternative

It is affecting their relationship, and upsetting her. If he is motivated by concern then I think this has actually become counter-productive anxiety. It is not his homework.

Yarp · 19/04/2015 12:09

So talk to her teacher. I think she'd be pretty appalled to find that it is taking this much time and this much stress to do some homework. I hope so, anyway.

TeenAndTween · 19/04/2015 12:10

Number lines are actually really good. They help picture the numbers really well. I still use number lines occasionally with my year 11 DD when she can't work out things with negative numbers.

I took a while to get my head round them when DD1 first started using them, but I'm an absolute convert. (I have a maths degree).

Adding and subtracting with number lines is the same way as you would do mental maths.

ragged · 19/04/2015 12:17

Is she "acting dumb" to get his attention?
I don't mind helping mine with math if they ask, I check the work over to spot any mistakes, too.
17yo I leave to get on with it. Not 7yo.

Yarp · 19/04/2015 12:19

ragged

Yes, that's a good thought. Some children create a drama to get attention OR because they are finding it a little hard and hope that a fuss will mean they are let off.

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