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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never have sex?

28 replies

MaddingCrowd · 19/04/2015 06:00

Have an 8mo (and older DC) and it's been such a tricky road. I never never never sleep.

I can count the amount of times we've had sex since she was born on two hands and maybe a foot.

It's not that I don't want to, I do and I think about it a lot. But I honest to God have no time. I go to bed shortly after DC do (when finished cleaning up etc)!as I know I'll be up five or six times in the night (something I'm trying to sort so please don't tell me to sort that out!). Once or twice a week I'll stay up reading for twenty minutes/get to stay in bed for twenty minutes in morning reading. This is seriously the only time I get to myself ever and in this time I'd rather read than have sex. Is that a problem? Should I be chomping at the bit to do it using my only forty minutes a week? Or is that pretty normal?

DH is very helpful around the house and with DC etc but has a very busy and stressful job. I feel very guilty that we aren't having sex often.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/04/2015 06:26

Par for the course. We dtd 3 weeks afterwards to make sure all the bits were working, and then there were 2 sessions in the next six months. Fatigue, PND and DW being touched out. 10-15 isn't too bad.

Possibly TMI, but if you're willing to take turns with your pleasure you can rest your book on his head for the first half and then move onto spoons for the return leg.

Totality22 · 19/04/2015 07:04

DC2 is 3 months and we've not had sex yet. No physical reason had a very good birth I'm just not feeling it all with a toddler and ebf baby.

DoraGora · 19/04/2015 07:15

It is normal. But, it doesn't hurt to have sex instead of reading every now and again. The book will still be there later.

Cookiecake · 19/04/2015 07:21

I think that the more you do it the more you get into it. I've had times where it's felt like a bit of a chore especially when my son was young but I just threw myself into it and I did enjoy it and feel closer to my partner at the time.

tumbletumble · 19/04/2015 07:23

I think 10-15 times in the first 8 months is pretty good actually! However I do agree with Cookie about the more you have it, the more you want it.

Original poster
MaddingCrowd · 19/04/2015 07:29

Totally agree with more you have thing. I do want it but I just don't want it enough to sacrifice sleep to be honest. I am so knackered. I get about 4-5 hours a night, broken. Plus work and looking after DC etc I feel like it's just so low on my list of priorities.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 19/04/2015 07:30

i think youre doing ok. youre makimg occasional time for quickies. Its all still there. Its just finding the time practically. There will be times throughout life that youve got less time, and times when you have more. Its good to not get complacent but dont feel guilty either

tobysmum77 · 19/04/2015 07:32

I think that is completely normal in fact for having an 8mo is quite a lot.

attheendoftheday · 19/04/2015 08:50

I don't think that 10-15 times in the first 8 months is bad at all! I think we did it less than that tbh. When you are so sleep deprived then there is little time left over for anything else.

For us things got better as the kids got older.

AyeAmarok · 19/04/2015 09:04

Disgrace Grin

NotGoingOut17 · 19/04/2015 10:03

I really don't think that's that little OP, averaging about once a fortnight - completely understandable with a new born. I don't think we have it much more than that and we have no kids! Very affectionate with each other, but working full time and having full on hobbies etc, means we can go a week or so easily without sex without even noticing. If we had a new born we'd be averaging about once a year at our rate.

Completely agree though the more you do it, the more you'll want it - we have weeks where we do it most nights but then as above, can easily go a week or 2 without sometimes.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/04/2015 10:08

You are doing well, many people don't have sex often after the first 6-12 months after a birth for many reasons.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/04/2015 10:11

That's quite a lot. We only dtd about once a month, maybe less, and our dc are a bit older now.

MsVestibule · 19/04/2015 10:12

You think 10-15 times in (presumably) the last 6 months isn't much? Good god woman, how often were you doing it before?! Twice a month is fairly normal, I think, for people who've been together for years. Obviously there will be loads who do it more and loads who do it less, but you're definitely in the realms of normal.

But the key issue is, how does your DH feel about it? If he doesn't mind and you can't be bothered, you don't really have a problem.

Original poster
MaddingCrowd · 19/04/2015 13:34

Oh what a relief to head from you all!

But yes I thibk DH does mind a lot. He's got a pretty low sex drive so is alright with not that much but he seems rather gasping for it at the moment.

OP posts:
CheapSunglasses · 19/04/2015 13:38

YANBU at all.

attheendoftheday · 19/04/2015 19:26

I imagine my dp would have liked to have sex a whole lot more than we did during the first year after each child, but he was never so thoughtless as to bring it up or make it my problem. I'm very happy for him to take care of himself if my libido is lower for a time, but absolutely not happy to be hassled for sex. It's really such a short period of our relationship, and it passes.

DuchessofNorks · 19/04/2015 19:40

DTD once since DD's conception, so around 16 months?

It just feels like an effort, whereas reading a book and sleeping seem less so.

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2015 19:44

I think it's important. It's ok for sex to take a backseat when you have a newborn and tiny dcs , but not forever.

villainousbroodmare · 19/04/2015 19:48

I think it makes men feel loved. And possibly unloved if you find every excuse possible not to. Go on, it's not exactly horrible, is it?!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/04/2015 20:03

I have to say if Dh had put one iota of pressure on me he'd have got short shrift! Personally I think it's immature to sulk about not having sex at a time when other things take priority, it's such a short period of time, there's the rest of your lives to have sex. Completely different if you're both up for it.

RusticBlush · 19/04/2015 20:10

I think you're doing well to have done it that many times in 8months to be honest - its bloody hard work with a little one - you're doing great Flowers

RusticBlush · 19/04/2015 20:11

^^little child not little manhood Blush

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2015 20:16

It took a while but dh now believes me that it's all about what he does not how long he does it for. I'm not interested in 3 hour sessions, 30 minutes tops but then I do find I sleep really well and am less stressed.

RusticBlush · 19/04/2015 20:19

Jeez I think you have a stallion on your hands there - I can't even lick my lips and my Dh is away.....
30mins is a marathon for us!