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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry about what was under the bed

37 replies

Fletcherl · 18/04/2015 15:25

A few months ago DH suggested we engage in a sexual practice that I did not want to. He was grumpy and manipulative blah blah and we were going through a dry patch so in the end we did he suggested. Went we had finished he was upset as he felt I had only gone along so the sake of it (true) and he angry and disappointed that it hadn't lived up to his dream. I was angry and upset too. We then talked a Bit about it but basically decided not to venture to this place again.
Roll on today and I am try to find something that had rolled under the bed and I find a load of paraphernalia related to this practise. I feel angry and a bit sick.
Honest views please

OP posts:

Finola1step · 18/04/2015 15:28

A very frank discussion is needed but the key issue here is not what you found under the bed.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 18/04/2015 15:30

Hmm.

I suppose if it's something he's really into and you don't want to do it (fair enough), at least he's fulfilling that side of him by looking at mags etc rather than doing it with someone else.

I can see why you're upset though.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2015 15:30

Do not take part in any activity that you don't want to, no matter how grumpy and manipulative he is. I would suggest he dumps the paraphernalia, as you won't be participating in it again.

heyday · 18/04/2015 15:31

Perhaps he feels that if you have the 'right tools for the job' then it will be better next time.
Its your choice now as to whether or not you would like to try again but don't be manipulated into it. I guess its hard to know what may be pleasurable unless it is sampled but you did at least give it a try. If you don't want to try this practice again then stick to your guns and perhaps make suggestions for other techniques you could try.

Breadrocks · 18/04/2015 15:33

Being nosey, I definitely need to know what sexual practice we're talking about anal?
But yanbu to not do something, you don't even need a reason. Your body, your choice. End of.

Original poster

Fletcherl · 18/04/2015 15:35

I have had a little think and it is possible be bought it because he thought it would help. We had talked about trying something because he was feeling unmotivated.
He then was a bit too keen about this particular thing last month and I felt a bit insecure and bullied but he wasn't to know it would pan out. Maybe
We are going away for a romantic night away tonight I will talk to him then.

OP posts:

MagicMojito · 18/04/2015 15:38

Honestly, unless its something really inappropriate/illigal or totally immoral I think you'd be U to tell him to get rid.
So long as he's using it solely for his own individual enjoyment and he's in no way pestering you to participate again, I can't see the harm personally.

MagicMojito · 18/04/2015 15:42

But you absolutely should not be pressured into doing anything you are not 100% on board with.
Sorry you felt bullied. That's not on at all.

shewept · 18/04/2015 15:46

Its really difficult to comment without knowing what it is. But, I think, its fairly normal to have a fantasy that you wouldn't actually do. You tried it, neither of you enjoyed how it panned out. As long as he isn't pestering you to do it again, I don't see the harm in him still using it as a fantasy.

However I would be more bothered that you felt under duress to do it the first place.

LindyHemming · 18/04/2015 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HootsMon · 18/04/2015 15:51

By paraphernalia I presume you mean things you would both use together during this sexual practice, rather than porn or stuff for just him?

Did he definitely buy it after the first time - may he already had it but didn't use it as it wasn't going well?

GahBuggerit · 18/04/2015 16:10

my response hinges on what the stuff was tbh.

handcuffs? meh, not so bad, just dont do it again and have a chat about how he needs to grow up

gimp suit, blow up sheep and a ferret? not so great

Original poster

Fletcherl · 18/04/2015 16:23

By the amount of dust I would guess the stuff was bought around the occasion when he suggested it. It is things for mutual pleasure not weird but not to my taste.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 16:36

He doesn't sound like a nice man, being grumpy and manipulative over something like that (whatever it is.) It's not much of a turn on, having someone whining at you, is it? I'm glad he didn't enjoy it!

XiCi · 18/04/2015 17:30

So your husband manipulated you into performing a sexual act that you did not want to do, then got angry and upset because HE didn't enjoy it as much as he thought he would?

Why on earth are you with this horrible man? Agree with the poster who said what is under the bed is not the main issue

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/04/2015 17:36

"He was grumpy and manipulative blah blah and we were going through a dry patch so in the end we did he suggested. Went we had finished he was upset as he felt I had only gone along so the sake of it (true) and he angry and disappointed that it hadn't lived up to his dream."

He badgered you to take part in something that you didn't really want to and then blamed you for it not living up to his expectations.

He sounds like a right fucking charmer.

WienerDiva · 18/04/2015 17:41

I think you should be feeling angry and sick because of his attitude when you said you weren't keen.

I'm sorry to say but he sounds vile and an attitude like that from my DH after declining the invitation to participate in a sexual act I didn't fancy would probably result in me never touching him again.

Summerisle1 · 18/04/2015 17:43

I'd be rather more upset by the manipulation and coercion than I would by whatever is gathering dust under the bed. Badgering you to do something you didn't want to do is not how decent men behave.

sonjadog · 18/04/2015 17:43

Was this bought in after he went to see 50 Shades at the cinema?

He sounds like he had what he thought was a good idea, he got over eager and overinvested, and then found out it wasn't as much fun as he thought.

I would bring it up and ask him what he is planning on doing with it now. Ebay? And then move on.

The most important thing is to discuss how he is not to try to push you into things you don't want to do in future.

shewept · 18/04/2015 17:45

If it goes back to the time you did try it. It would bother me.

But I would be seriously bothered by being badgered into doing something I didn't want to. I can not imagine dh even attempting to convince me if I said no.

Fairenuff · 18/04/2015 17:51

He pressured you into doing it. That's a big fat problem right there. What would have happened if you had continued to say no?

expatinscotland · 18/04/2015 17:54

If you don't want to take it up the arse, then don't. Be very clear and assertive, 'I didn't enjoy bum sex. I don't want to do it again. Ever.'

cigarsofthepharaoh · 18/04/2015 18:03

Would it be possible to use this stuff on his own and enjoy it?

Sometimes people enjoy using things on their own that are intended to be used by two people. Sometimes people get a kick from fantasising with paraphernalia, or even just from owning it. He might not necessarily be intending to ask you to participate in this sex act again.

In this case, I would be questioning why he kept it a secret.

If he definitely intended to ask you to participate again, maybe he was just hoping that you might find the prospect exciting if he took a different approach.

Of course, emotionally blackmailing you into doing sexual acts you don't wish to do is incredibly worrying. But without more knowledge of your husband's nature, it's difficult to say whether he's just keen and poor at communicating, or if he is a selfish knob.

shewept · 18/04/2015 18:07

The first line should read wouldn't

cailindana · 18/04/2015 18:07

So he coerced you into sex you didn't want through manipulation and was then annoyed that you didn't enjoy it?

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