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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my 8yro ds in to nearby woods without an adult

81 replies

Favouritethings · 18/04/2015 12:12

I let ds out to play around the estate where we live. It's a secluded private estate, everyone knows each other, very safe and lots of green areas where the children play. I'm fine with this. He wears a watch and is back by set time. He has just knocked to ask if he can go to nearby woods (5 min walk away, out of our estate) with his friends aged 9, 9 and 11. I said no, ran it past dh who also agreed it's a no. Ds thinks we are being unfair as his friends are allowed to. I just feel it's too risky and I'm just not comfortable with the idea. Would you have let your 8yro go?

OP posts:
LovesYoungDream · 18/04/2015 13:43

YADNBU. I wouldn't allow my dc go to a secluded place unsupervised, no matter how many other children are allowed to go.

BestZebbie · 18/04/2015 13:45

Probably not at 8 (though maybe at 8 with three older children if the woods don't contain open water), but definitely once he is 10, and maybe next year once the others are 12, 10 and 10 and he is 9. Make sure he has a working mobile phone with him and a set time to check in by phone (if not come back). Teach him the country code and make sure he has good shoes.

Original poster
Favouritethings · 18/04/2015 13:49

I agree ragged, and I'm sure my ds is no angel!
His argument was it will be fine 11yro will look after me which is why I'd said it's not fair for them to be responsible. We a friend who as a child was allowed on a bike ride with his younger db. His db got hit by a car and tragically died. He always and still does feel that it was his fault and he was 'responsible' for him. Very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Favouritethings · 18/04/2015 13:51

Yes best I feel that 10s a good age for some reason too! I'd be happier if he borrowed a mobile for the trip too I think. There is a lake running through the far end of the woods.

OP posts:
StellaAlpina · 18/04/2015 13:54

I wouldn't. We had woods behind our house and were only allowed from 11/12ish and in a group.

PeachandBlack · 18/04/2015 14:13

I live about 20 yards away from a wood. My kids walked through alone to get to school from about 9/10. I did let DS2 play in there with friends at 8, but only in a certain area with a fixed boundary so he could hear me if I called. He wasn't allowed to roam free in case he got lost.
In the 14 years I've lived here I've never heard of any incidents, except for the boy who came off his bike going downhill and knocked at my house for help (gashed leg, blood everywhere).

PeachandBlack · 18/04/2015 14:27

I agree though, if you don't think your DS is responsible enough yet, and the group dynamic is not one where they look out for each other then yanbu.

insancerre · 18/04/2015 14:34

Yabu
Kids need the freedom to play in the woods without adults
Kids are more at risk of being murdered in their own home by somebody they know than being murdered in the woods by a stranger
Kids need to be able to take risks and manage those risks themselves to build resilience. That resilience enables them to cope as adults
I can't believed the amount of people who say yanbu and I feel very sad for all those children

SouthWestmom · 18/04/2015 14:37

The question is always 'what do people think will happen?' I don't want any of my children to be that teeny tiny percentage that end up raped and killed. I know the chances are really minimal but I just don't want to do anything I would regret.
I just read the horrific story of the nine year old in Calais on Wednesday. Sarah Payne walked off ahead of her siblings. I think people should do what they feel comfortable with and what they could live with.

SouthWestmom · 18/04/2015 14:39

And that statistic about kids being more at risk at home from a family member is valid up to a point. Saying that more children are murdered by family members is not the same as saying all children are at greater risk from family members.

SistersofPercy · 18/04/2015 14:42

I'm also in the YABU camp.

I was a kid who spent hours in the local woods building rope swings, making dens and generally enjoying my childhood. I survived and as far as I recall from the PC who talked to our Brownie group a few years ago crimes like the ones mentioned in this thread haven't increased, just our perception of them has with the the internet and 24 hour news.

OrlandoWoolf · 18/04/2015 15:06

noeuf

So will you let your kids walk to school by themselves?
Or will you take them to high school?

Will you let your DD get in a car with a boy?

Or will you let your DS drive a car?

At what point do you let them have independence?

(the biggest killer of teenage girls is teenage boys. When the boy crashes the car carrying them)

SouthWestmom · 18/04/2015 15:08

Like I said Orlando, people should do what they could live with.
Both secondary age dc catch a bus and then walk to school.
Ds walks to the park with friends.
Boys and cars will depend on the boy

Original poster
Favouritethings · 18/04/2015 15:33

It's hard sometimes though as a parent to gage what's being unreasonable and not when there is no handbook! I would let my ds drive a car, because when he is legally old enough and has passed his driving test it it is appropriate to expect him to do so! But this whole letting children play out, how far, from what age etc is blurred. It is such an individual call to make.

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 18/04/2015 15:38

I look at my childhood and what I did at that age. I was one of those 7 year olds who spent the afternoon out all day with friends. It probably shaped my views on life and how I would treat my child.

SouthWestmom · 18/04/2015 15:41

I did too, but there was a lot less traffic, and more of a community feel. So it's not just the middle of the night horrors, there are practical considerations as well.

Bowlersarm · 18/04/2015 15:43

Totally agree Noeuf. I only let my children do age appropriate things, that I could live with myself in the certainty that I had made the right decision at the time if anything awful happened to them.

If anything happened to my 8 year old playing alone in the woods I would never forgive myself because I believe it's too young, and a bad parenting decision. If anything untoward happened to my secondary school children as they were making their way independently to school, I would obviously be devastated, but I couldn't blame myself for what happened as what they were doing was age appropriate.

notquiteruralbliss · 18/04/2015 15:45

I would and mine regularly went off into the woods with their friends of with their dogs. But they were used to roaming around and knew their way around pretty well. I think I can only remember one occasion where they got lost and phoned us.

ragged · 18/04/2015 15:46

Where and when I grew up there was a huge amount more traffic & kids didn't bother speaking up because knew adults would not believe them. Actually we had gun attacks & a local murder of a child. People also just shrugged off the creep in the bushes, plenty of parks had them.

fakenamefornow · 18/04/2015 15:47

I think with the friends you've described I would say no. With better friends I may well have said yes with some ground rules. Four of them is a good number, if somebody gets injured, falling out of a tree for example, there's somebody to stay with the injured child, a two to run for help.

Original poster
Favouritethings · 18/04/2015 15:50

Exactly that bowlersarm

OP posts:
FoxyVeganJane · 18/04/2015 15:51

Yes I'd let dd with friends at that age. Dd is eight she walks along the road to friends houses and plays in the woods with friends, goes to the beach etc.

Ds I'm not sure he's two years off eight I may not let him as he's autistic but he has two years and I might let him roam but not as far.

I think it depends on the neighbourhood, the danger of the roads, the friends, the distance, your child.

You know your child best but at eight I let dd, my next challenge is to let her cycle to the shop by herself but I think she's another year or so off that as it is quite far over a mile.

We love our dc but our job is to give them the skills to leave us, one day you will feel ready to let your ds roam a bit further from home.

wonkylegs · 18/04/2015 15:53

Would depend on the children and the woods.
I went and played with friends in the woods at that age everyone in our village did.
Rules were you never left anybody on their own and you came back when you said you would and stuck to a pre-arranged area.
We all knew not to do particularly dangerous or stupid things (go in the field with the Bulls, climb the tree over the river) and to be wary of strangers. I'm a firm believer in giving children the education and skills to deal with situations and controlled freedom to learn & explore. If I do make rules I explain why as I tend to find this makes them stick to them rather than ignore them as they don't think it's important.
That's my feeling and it won't work for all kids but so far that's how I'm parenting mine and it's working for us.

fakenamefornow · 18/04/2015 15:56

Also I don't agree with 'you should only do what you're comfortable with' suppose your comfort zone is not letting your child out to play at all, or ever walk to school alone. In that case you are putting your own needs ahead of your child's needs for growing independence.

fakenamefornow · 18/04/2015 16:00

If anything happened to my 8 year old playing alone in the woods I would never forgive myself because I believe it's too young, and a bad parenting decision.

I doubt it would be seen as bad parenting in Germany though, it would probably be seen as age appropriate there. These things are subjective and a product of our time and place not the child's abilities and statistical facts balanced against the benefits.